The Accidental King of Achoo

by Linda J. Falkner

“Well, come down here. Dr. Grigoros is hurt. He needs our help.”

  Orgizo scrambled down the mountainside and joined the group, ready to resume the race. The others looked at each other, wondering what he had been doing on the rocks above the pathway, but no one said anything.

  After some discussion, Ahavah agreed to help Dr. Grigoros back to the village. In next to last place, Ahavah was not doing well in the race since he was more a climber than a runner. He was a kindhearted man for whom helping others was more important than winning. So he left the race to support Dr. Grigoros as he limped home. “There will be other contests,” said Ahavah. “Helping the doctor is a mitzvah.”

  After Dr. Grigoros and Ahavah left, the runners continued down the mountain. Dynami, with his strong, muscular legs, and spidery Lincoln were tied for the lead, and the hunter, Kynigos, was coming in a close third. They saw the guiding arrow that the race assistant had placed on the previous day, pointing beyond a shrub-covered ground, and they continued running. As one runner tired, another would take the lead.

  Orgizo was struggling in the rear, red faced and gritting his teeth, grumbling under his breath about how the race was rigged. He was accustomed to being first in everything because of his privileged position at birth. In Orgizo’s opinion, either he won or the competition was rigged. Still, he struggled on, confident that he would eventually win—no matter what.

  The next arrow pointed the group to a river and showed where they had to swim across. They entered the water one at a time, swimming as rapidly as they could.

  “Go where the wonder is,” Mikro said as she jumped in. Suddenly she cried out in pain as piranhas that frequented the river attacked her naked body. Kynigos, who was closest to the river, jumped in to help. With mighty strokes, he grabbed Mikro and helped her cross the river and reach shore safely. As they emerged from the water, both Mikro and Kynigos were bloody with bites from the vicious fish, so Dynami and Lincoln ran over to help. Dynami removed his colorful scarf—something Hatters almost never do—and used it to put pressure on the bites and stop the bleeding.

  Everyone was there, drenched from the river crossing, except Orgizo. Where was he? Concerned, they looked around for him. Suddenly Orgizo approached, and he wasn’t wet at all. He had found a log fallen across the river, a short way from the required crossing, and used it to cross safe and dry. The others were angry and insisted that he had cheated.

  Orgizo surprised them by calling them names and throwing a tantrum, like a young child.

  “Dynami, you think you are so strong, but you are really weak and you wear that silly scarf. Your arms and legs are not big from muscles, but from fat. You wear that crazy hat. From now on, that is what I am going to call you—crazy hat.

  “Lincoln, you think you are a carpenter, but all I see is arms and legs like a giant spider. You sprawl out so, and your ears are huge. Your face is wrinkled like an old man. I will call you spider from now on.

  “Polemistis, you are no warrior. Your skin is black like the monkeys in the trees and you smell like olives. From now on, I will call you a black monkey.

  “Kynigos, you are a rotten hunter. I think last week you found that pig dead and called it your own. You lie, and I have no interest in eating the spoiled food you bring to the village. My food on the mountain is the best and the greatest food there ever was.

  “Mikro, you are so tiny and all bitten from the fishes. You are sick and weak. You don’t have the stamina to win this race, or to be the king. There has never even been a woman king before, and never will be.

  “I want nothing to do with all of you. I am the greatest! I will go on by myself to win this race. And when I am king, I will banish all of you from the village.” Orgizo stomped off and continued the race alone.

  After a short discussion, during which they agreed that Orgizo was just spouting nonsense, the group decided to rest. Night was coming on, and everyone was exhausted from the swim. They would start again in the morning, after a good night’s sleep. Orgizo could go his own way, and they would catch up later. The village would never accept a man so cruel and uncaring as king of Achoo. They needed a king who understood how to work with other people, not a tyrant like Orgizo.

  Orgizo traveled on through the night by himself. Each shadow scared him, and he longed to feel accepted by the others. But he had no idea how to make that happen, so he shook that thought from his mind. After all, he was an Abadon, the best and the brightest. He lived with his family on the mountain, not in the village with the common people. His three wives and three children loved him, or at least that is what he told himself. He especially treasured his daughter, who had a voice like honey and luscious breasts that he loved to touch at any opportunity.

  In truth, women were disgusted by Orgizo’s harsh idea of lovemaking and his impotence. Whether this included his daughter as well as his wives, only they knew for sure. His wives conspired with each other to avoid him whenever they could. His children loved him when he was doing things for them, but they did not trust him. Orgizo’s father had had a violent temper and often beat Orgizo, until finally the boy ran away from home. Orgizo, in turn, beat his wives and children whenever he felt frustrated or angry, which was most of the time.

  When the racers woke the next morning, refreshed from their sleep, there was no sign of Orgizo. “We are all in this together,” Mikro said as Dynami helped lift her up into a pear tree. Now that Ahavah had left to help Dr. Grigoros get home safely, she was the best tree climber left. They ate a quick breakfast of pears that Mikro dropped down from the tree, along with some partridge eggs that she had found in a nest. After eating breakfast, they yelled to resume the race, since they had no starter to ring the gong.

  “One, two, three … Go!”

  As they began running, the ground was hilly and covered with thorny bushes. They had to zigzag around the brush, so their running was slow. Suddenly Kynigos spotted Orgizo ahead of them. Confident of his head start, Orgizo was just walking along, unaware that he was heading toward a pair of dangerous wild boars. But Kynigos, the hunter, saw the danger immediately. Even though he had no reason to like Orgizo, who had recently called him a liar and a bad hunter, Orgizo was still one of the community, so Kynigos did not hesitate. He reached back and grabbed the bow and arrows that he always kept with him, and ran toward the wild pigs.

  At that moment, as he saw Kynigos running toward him, Orgizo realized that his own life was in danger. One of the boars was close to attacking him with his sharp, protruding tusks. Kynigos nocked an arrow against his bowstring, pulled back, and let it fly. The arrow made a perfect hit, straight through the animal’s heart. The pig dropped dead in the middle of its run.

  Now Orgizo began running toward Kynigos, unintentionally leading the second wild boar in his direction. Kynigos needed a few seconds to pull another arrow from the quiver on his back and nock it on the bow. The animal had now turned away from Orgizo and was heading straight toward Kynigos, whose second arrow hit the pig directly in the forehead, killing it instantly. The boar’s momentum, however, carried it forward, and as it slammed into Kynigos, it’s tusks ripped into the man’s shoulder.

  Falling to the ground, Kynigos began bleeding profusely. Dynami, Polemistis, and Lincoln quickly collected some moss, which Mikro used to apply pressure to Kynigos’s wounds and stop the bleeding. “We are stronger together,” she said.

  Orgizo was the only person not doing anything. Had the others not been too busy to notice, they might have assumed that he was in shock. Secretly, Orgizo was angry that Kynigos was getting all the attention.But he was also relieved that one more runner had been eliminated from the race, which gave him a better chance of winning. Orgizo did not even realize that Kynigos had risked his own life to save Orgizo’s—or perhaps he realized it but simply didn’t care.

  When Kynigos’s bleeding stopped and the crisis was over, Orgizo was all smiles and charm, claiming that his running had
led the pig away from Kynigos and saved his life. The other runners kept their thoughts to themselves, but the looks on their faces revealed their disgust with Orgizo’s bluster and lies. He had put the whole group in danger with his impulsive behavior.

  Kynigos had stopped bleeding, but he was in no condition to run. He needed help just to walk. Polemistis agreed to forfeit the race and help Kynigos walk back home. He needed medical care, and Dr. Grigoros would help once they got back to the village. The doctor knew the right plants to use to sew up Kynigos’s wound and prevent infection.

  When the two men were gone, that left only Dynami, Lincoln, Mikro, and Orgizo. The race had taken an unexpected turn, now that the strongest runners had withdrawn. The rest of the journey would be comparatively easy. They had already run through the mountains, crossed the river, passed the dangerous brush land where the wild pigs lived, and circled around the dead land where no one dared to go, and now it was a straight shot across the meadow to the finish line.

  “One, two, three … Go!”

  They were all running at top speed. Dynami and Lincoln were tied for first place, jockeying for position, and Mikro was right behind them. No one was looking back to see where Orgizo was.

  After a few hours, the two front-runners approached the point where they should have made a sharp turn to avoid the sneeze tree forest. The race preparation team had put a sign there, but someone had removed it. So Dynami and Lincoln kept running straight ahead, not aware that they were heading directly into the sneeze trees. It was getting dark, but they thought they could finish the race soon, so they continued running past dusk.

  Gradually, the two front-runners entered the sneeze tree forest, but because the sun had set, they did not see the trees until it was too late. It took a while for them to begin feeling the symptoms of exposure to sneeze trees, and by then, they were deep in the forest. Mikro was far enough behind them to realize what had happened. She knew Dynami and Lincoln would be okay once they got out of the forest, so this was her opportunity to get ahead.

  As Mikro made the sharp turn directly toward the village, Orgizo suddenly came from behind. She ran as hard as she could, but he was right on her heels. The village was in sight, with the campfires blazing. As the two runners approached the finish line, the villagers cheered them on.

  With just a few feet to go, Mikro felt a rock hit her head. Stunned, she stumbled and fell. As she tried to get to her feet, wondering where the rock had come from, Orgizo calmly stepped over her and crossed the finish line.

  CHAPTER 3

  The villagers were stunned. Orgizo had beaten the most experienced runners in the village. No one had expected him to have a chance in this race, and here he was in first place, while all the other racers had either quit or were incapacitated.

  Finally, some in the audience cheered, but others had their doubts about Orgizo being king. He had never shown any interest in the job, nor had he demonstrated an ability to do what the king was expected to do. Would he want to leave his luxurious home in the mountains? And what about his wives? Most of the villagers had only one or two wives, but Orgizo had three.

  However, none of that was really going to matter. Yes, he had won this race, but one contest did not make Orgizo the king. There were more contests ahead, and he was still the most unlikely competitor.

  Orgizo Abadon decided to put on a party the next day to celebrate his win. He sent a message via bird-mail to his family. “Come down to the village and bring the best foods. I will put on the greatest party ever. Ta-da!” His three wives and three children came down from their mountain mansion. They brought deer, turkey, and pig meat, as well as truffles, vegetables, grains, ambrosia honey bread, and cakes made from chocolate beans. Chocolate beans grew in the mountains and were difficult for the villagers to find, so chocolate was a rare and special treat. Orgizo also provided coffee brewed from mountain-grown beans.

  When everyone had finished eating, Orgizo made an announcement: “My family has brought you the finest wine from grapes that they picked and mashed under their own feet, and beer that they fermented themselves. Everyone may drink and enjoy!” The villagers cheered for the wine—and for the Abadon family. Finally, Orgizo gave the villagers gifts of silk bags.

  Then Orgizo said to the villagers, “I have brought lumber for you to build a wooden stage for me. I will need to be higher when I speak to the community, so everyone can see and hear me.” He had a plan to use the stage exclusively to gain attention for himself. While many villagers still had their doubts, others were beginning to think that Orgizo would make an excellent king.

  Dr. Grigoros, who had been favored to win the race, was still limping from the injury he’d acquired when the boulder fell on his leg. He had seen Orgizo on the hillside above the others, and he still questioned what the man had been doing up there. Orgizo knew the mountainous terrain better than any villager did, and Dr. Grigoros wondered if he had deliberately started the rockslide. It was just a thought …

  But then Despotis, Orgizo’s close friend from a distant mountain, began praising Orgizo. Despotis exclaimed that he hoped Orgizo would be king because of all the fineries that he would bring down from his mountain.

  That was too much for Dr. Grigoros, who cursed Despotis and said, “You stupid drunk. All you ever do is drink White Russians and vodka. You drink so much that Orgizo even calls you White Russian. That man has conned you. He would be a dangerous king, caring only for himself. He can’t be trusted.”

  At that, Despotis wrinkled his forehead—which was accentuated by his receding hairline—picked up a rock, and threw it at Dr. Grigoros. His throw was surprisingly strong for such a small man. Before Dr. Grigoros realized what was happening, the rock hit him hard in the head and spun him around. Unbalanced because of his injured leg and the surprise attack, Dr. Grigoros grabbed Despotis as he fell. The two men rolled on the ground, slapping, punching, and grabbing. Each tried to knock the other one out, but neither could gain an advantage. Dr. Grigoros was still stunned and suffering from an injured leg, while Despotis was off balance from partaking of too many White Russians. Finally, several villagers pulled the two men apart.

  The formerly peaceful and friendly villagers were now divided. Some of them supported the man who had brought them gifts, including edible delicacies, beer, and wine, and who made big promises. But other people distrusted Orgizo and suspected him of dishonesty and conning. They could not understand how an old, lazy man had won a race against several strong runners. A new feeling of hatred and distrust began dividing the villagers.

  Fortunately, the race was not the final competition, and Orgizo was still a long shot. He did not have the kind and caring temperament that they had come to expect from their leaders, and most villagers were sure that he would never be king.

  Orgizo himself had never actually considered the job of king. He led a comfortable life on the mountain, and he had no interest in living among the villagers, whom he considered beneath himself. He only wanted to win the contest in order to prove that he was the best. The more prestige and wealth he had, the better Orgizo could cover up his truly low self-esteem. Lounging on his golden chair and wearing a silk shirt, he told himself that he was somebody. In his mind, things equaled power—and Orgizo was hungry for power.

  The next event, the scavenger hunt, involved teams of two contestants each. Orgizo paired up with Despotis and his Labrador, Kuni. Orgizo paid close attention to who took his side and who was against him, and he remembered that following the feast a very drunk Despotis had fought for him. They were an unlikely team. Orgizo was mostly bluster and had no knowledge of the local landscape, and Despotis was more interested in the White Russians and vodka that Orgizo offered him than in the competition.

  When Grandpa Noimon, the smartest man in the valley, decided to participate, he chose Mikro to be his partner. Both were intelligent, and together they would use their mental ability to succeed in the hunt. No
imon was not as old as he looked. His slight hunchback made him look aged. However, he was quick and agile, both mentally and physically, while Mikro was nimble and knew the valley well. They would make an excellent team.

  The third team was the long-legged, long-armed Lincoln and the dark-skinned, oil-scented Polemistis. They were both strong and could use their physical power to excel in the scavenger hunt. And finally, Dynami, the Hatter whose gentle face contrasted with his strong and muscular build, teamed up with Kynigos, the hunter.

  Each team had to find the same list of items that were valuable to the community and always in short supply. Food items included truffles, raspberries, sweet potatoes, honey, and wild-turkey eggs. The list also included flint, which was good for making fires, and medium-sized rocks and antlers, which were useful for tool knapping. Finally, they had to find water plants, which Dr. Grigoros needed for their medicinal value. Still recovering from his injuries, Grigoros had decided that he would prefer being the doctor rather than the king, and thus he had dropped out of the contest.

  “One, two, three … Go!” Dr. Grigoros pounded the gong, and the scavenger hunt began.

  Dynami and Kynigos took off running. They knew there was a limited number of truffles, and they wanted to get there and dig them up early in the morning, before the wild hogs became active. Digging truffles was hard work, and dangerous when sharp-tusked and bad-tempered boars were nearby. Kynigos had his bow and arrows with him. His arm had healed well, and although it was still stiff and sore, he was resilient and pushed through the pain.

  The team ran for several hours before reaching the forest where the truffles grew. Then they searched the ground, looking for evidence of hog scratches. Wild pigs can smell truffles, so their scratch marks would give the two men a hint about where to dig. Finally, they found what they were looking for. Dynami began digging, with the help of an antelope horn spade from his backpack. Kynigos kept watch for the porkers, holding his bow and arrows ready for any danger. The soil was hard and Dynami had to try several places before he found truffles growing under the ground.