“Thanks, Frankie, for everything.” I hugged him. “A day out where I can try to figure things through sounds like a good idea.”
I called Theo and apologised for my earlier behaviour. He still wanted to visit the farm, so I agreed we’d go there the next day. I called Kim and told her I was taking the day off and that she’d better do some work if she was there alone. I was busy working on my glamour, to see if it was possible to make Theo look like someone else for a short while and get him past the doorway of the farmhouse. All I had to do was contact the estate agents in the morning. I couldn’t see it being a problem since the farm had been on the market for years.
Then I settled myself down to sleep. It had been a long and exhausting day. I should have known that I’d have a visit the minute I dropped off.
* * *
“Shelley.”
“Oh, for goodness sake. I need my sleep. I’ve got to have my wits about me tomorrow.”
My mum was sitting on a magic carpet that hovered midair. “But you believe it now? That I’m your mum?”
“Yes. Well done. You’re no longer the strangest thing in my life.”
“I’m glad Frankie is teaching you how to use your magic. I can feel it in you now. It’s getting stronger. You need to gain your strength so I can come back and we can fight Lucy for your father.”
“YOU WANT ME TO FIGHT A DEVIL. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?”
“You need to harness that temper. It will come in handy when we face her.”
“Can I go back to sleep now? This is not what I need to hear when I’m trying to relax and figure out my life.”
“Well I’m sorry that I’d like to come back to earth and be in my body and reunite with your father. We’d quite like to be a family unit with our daughter, you know.”
“Hmmm, I wonder if my magic can push you out of my mind when I’m not in the mood? We’ll speak soon, Mum, but I’ve had enough for one day.”
“Shelley, that’s so rude.”
*psychic push*
Hey it worked. Now I can go back to sleep.
* * *
It was only a ten-minute drive to Goodacre's Farm. As soon as I got in the car alongside Theo, I wished we weren’t going anywhere except for my bedroom. I craved him like he must surely crave blood. I’d deliberately not done any magic, so that I didn’t smell, but as we started to approach the Withernsea countryside a strong smell of manure worked its way through the car vents.
“Jesus. I forget how bad that smell can be.” I pulled a face.
Theo looked at me, opened his mouth to say something and then looked away.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Out with it, vampire. What were you going to say?”
“Just that this is how you smell to me when you’ve done magic.”
My jaw dropped. I smelled like this manure farm smell?
“Times about twenty.”
I smelled even WORSE than this farm smell?
I took my mobile phone out of my bag and dialled Frank.
“Dude. I smell like turnips to my boyfriend. Can I switch that off?”
The sound of laughter came down the phone. “It’s fun watching those superior little noses turn up in disgust.”
“Not when you’re dating one.”
He huffed. “Fine. It’s easy to turn off. You just have to eat a slug every morning.”
“Ewwww. I have to what? You’ve got to be kidding me. I wretch every time I watch I’m A Celebrity.”
Guffaws came down the line again. “God, you’re easy to wind up. Just have a mouthful of rosehip tea every morning and you won’t smell to the vampire. If he pisses you off don’t drink it and perform a series of spells. He might even be sick. That’s such fun.”
I heard a door creak and Kim's voice in the background.
“Who are you talking to, Frankie?”
“Gotta go,” he said and ended the call.
Theo sighed. “How well do you know this wizard?”
I brought him up to date with everything that had happened. “So you see, he knew my mum, so that makes me trust him. Well, as much as I trust anyone right now.”
“Yes, about that. Do you still believe I bit your friend?”
I lay a hand across my breastbone. “No. I’m sorry, Theo. I panicked. You’re my boyfriend but she’s been my assistant and best friend for a long time. I don’t want anything to happen to her.”
“That’s understandable, but you have my solemn vow that the only person I intend to bite is you.”
My betraying core went slick at his words. For God’s sake have some control down there.
As we approached the long winding driveway of the farm, Theo stopped the car. “Go on then, get this over with.”
“Okay, you need to be completely quiet. I’ve only had the tiniest bit of practice.”
He closed his eyes and sat preternaturally still. Show off undead bastard. I closed my eyes and concentrated on conducting a glamour to make him look different.
The trouble was that every time I closed my eyes all I could think about was his cock. I opened one eye and sure enough his head was a giant penis.
Oh my fucking God. Please don’t stay like that.
“I’m tingling, is this working now? Only I’m not sure I can cope with the smell much longer.”
“No. Be quiet or it’ll go wrong and you’ll look like a dick,” I said. Not telling him how true my words were.
I needed to think of someone I didn’t find attractive quickly so I’d stop thinking of cock. I closed my eyes and imagined Simon Cowell. Good, now I’d calmed my libido down I could fashion a normal face for Theo. Except, I couldn’t. Every time I opened my eyes he was still Simon Cowell. Oh fuck.
“Er, Theo.” I told him. “There’s a slight hiccup.”
* * *
When Jim Gilbert opened the door to his house viewers, his face paled, and he stood there in complete shock. “S-S-Simon?”
I stood forward and shook his hand. “Yes. I must ask you to not tell anyone about this visit to your property. It’s highly confidential. Mr Cowell needs somewhere remote where he can escape his legion of fans and your farm looks ideal.”
“Oh, of course. Of course. Please, come in,” Jim said. “Can I get you a drink? I have tea, coffee, and I know it's early but I have a really special whiskey I was bought for my 40th birthday that we could open.” He looked at Theo, who said nothing. Of course, he couldn’t because he didn’t sound like Simon Cowell.
“Mr Cowell prefers not to speak and to let me handle everything for him,” I said. “A drink will not be necessary, but thank you. Could you show us around please?”
“Of course. I’ll give you a brief tour and then I’ll let you walk around by yourselves.”
“That would be fantastic. If anyone asks you met with Shelley Linley and Bob Landry.”
“Landry. God, don’t mention that name to me,” Jim said. “I know a freaking nutcase with that name.”
I saw Theo’s body stiffen.
“Well, we’re short on time, so if we could move things along?” I said.
“Sure.”
Once Jim had shown us around, he left us to look around ourselves. Now I could see through glamour, I could switch my sight and see Theo, but poor Jim must have shit a brick when he’d opened his door.
“The farm has been modernised since I was here. There’s barely a trace of my old home left.”
“Does that mean you can leave it behind? Move on?”
“I don’t know. It is rooted in my origins. I was born here, and I died here.”
“But don’t you have bad memories of your family dying here?”
“I have more good memories. It could be a happy place again. My childhood was extremely happy. We could raise our babies here?”
I looked at him. “Forgetting the fact that we’ve been dating a week, if we did have a baby, how does it age? Also, how can it have a brother or sister if you’re only fertile every hu
ndred and one years?”
“We’d likely only have one. There’s no knowing when a vampire will stop aging. It could be in childhood or adulthood. I was turned at twenty-six and aged a little more.”
“When will you turn me?”
“When you ask me to.”
“What if I carry on aging until my sixties or even older? I’ll look like a cougar?”
“Then I’d see if Ebony had a makeup set that could make me look the same age.”
“You were looking for a vampire wife when you applied to my agency. Wouldn’t that be easier for you?”
“I was only looking for a vampire wife because I hadn’t met you.” He leaned over and kissed me. Unfortunately in my surprise I dropped my magic and so it was Simon Cowell who gave me a kiss. Jesus Christ.
Theo led me into an empty barn packed with fresh hay. “Ever made love outside?” he asked.
“No!” I answered, “and I’m not about to start right now. What if Jim comes in and sees Simon plugging his assistant? He could sell that story to a news channel.”
“Dearest, Shelley.” Theo stroked down my cheek. “There’s a bolt on the barn door.”
“What about security cameras?”
“I’m a technical genius remember? Trust me. We’re all alone.”
“But I smell bad.”
“I want you too much to care.”
“Gee, thanks. I think.”
Then he leaned over and kissed my neck. My total weak spot. Goose bumps erupted across my skin. I closed my eyes so the Mr Cowell look-alike remained at bay. Theo backed me onto some hay bales. Unlike in the movies, it was actually quite scratchy, but he really seemed to dig it here so I didn’t try to conjure up a bed or a blanket. Anyway, I’d probably make the hay bale into another giant penis with how my mind was focusing on Theo’s right now. Theo unbuttoned his trousers, lowering those and his boxers and slipped my pants to my knees. Then he nudged into me making me gasp.
But I couldn’t help it. I started scratching my arse cheeks. The hay was unbearably itchy. As I began to writhe beneath him, Theo took it as my ecstasy and pounded into me, meaning that the hay scratched my butt even more.
“Arrgh. Stop. Stop right now,” I shouted.
Theo opened his eyes. “Sorry. Is there a problem?”
“Yes. I just had anal with a few pieces of straw and my arse is being scratched to death. We need to stop. I’m sorry but this just isn’t sexy.”
Theo gathered me up and turned me over so that I was on my feet, resting my hands on the hay bale instead. He lowered himself down and licked all across my ass cheeks. I felt my skin tingle.
“All gone,” he said. “Vampire venom at its finest.”
I touched my butt cheeks. He was right. I couldn’t feel a thing.
“Thank you.” I said. “Sorry about us not, you know, doing it.”
Theo’s tongue began again, this time trailing from my butt cheek and down between my thighs.
“Who said we’re not doing it?” he said before plunging his tongue inside me.
“Oh my God, Theo. Don’t stop.” I told him. He brought me to the brink before taking me from behind. Once again, he bit my neck as I came, making my knees give way as thunderous, multiple orgasms crashed through me. He pulled up my pants and gathered me into his arms.
“Please, Theo. Buy the farm. Pay the money. We can chase down your sire’s sire later. You need to buy this place. I can see what it means to you,” I told him.
“You just want to have outdoor sex again.” Theo grinned.
“I can buy thick blankets. Think about how many places we’ve not done it yet.”
Theo sighed. “If I transfer the money to you, will you purchase it? Then I’ve kept my solemn vow that I would not buy back my farm. It will be in your name instead.”
“Theo.”
“Once I have the money back from my sire’s sire, you can transfer the property to joint names, as married couples are advised these days.”
“Theo, I am not your wife,” I told him.
“But you will be. Why fight it, Shelley? You know you’re never going to want another man’s cock as long as you live. You’re addicted to mine. My one hundred and ten years of experience is not going to be matched.”
“Huh, conceited much? What gave you that impression?”
“The fact your hand is currently stroking the top of my trousers.”
Oh, shit. It really was. This was becoming quite a habit.
Chapter Fourteen
Shelley
I seriously had no idea how to find Theo’s sire’s sire. It’s not like there was a Vampires Reunited and he’s already tried Faceblood, putting out a random status about anyone who might have been in the area of Goodacre’s Farm in August 1907. Theo didn’t even know the sire’s name. Anyway, I had lots of work to do today. Membership applications were coming in thick and fast. As I noted how many of them stated their supernatural status, I realised that my best friend was going to have to be brought into the fold.
I buzzed through to her office. “Kim, you got a sec?”
“Yeah,” she said. She sounded like she had a cold. I wondered if my healing would work on that.
Kim pushed open my door. Her eyes were puffy and she’d obviously been crying.
“Oh my God, Kim. Is everything okay? I thought it was strange you’d not said hello this morning.”
“Are you sleeping with Frankie?” she yelled.
I threw my head back. “What? Of course not. Whatever gave you that idea?”
“Well, I went into the bedroom yesterday morning and he was on the phone. I heard a woman’s voice coming from the speaker. He rang off quickly and when I asked him who it was he said it was no one important. When he went to the bathroom, I looked at his phone and the call was from you. He’s saved you on his phone as Spelly Shelley-he’s given you a pet name and everything. How could you?” She burst into noisy sobs again.
“Kim. I am not sleeping with Frankie. Ugh. I am however shagging Theo and enjoying it very much. Now, I’m getting the emergency wine out of my drawer because I need to bring you up to date with something and when I do, you’ll probably want to drink the entire bottle.”
“Oh my God, is Frankie dying?” Kim wailed. “Did he confide in you? Does he need a kidney? I can give him a kidney.”
For her own good I walked over and slapped her face. “Sorry about that, but you need to focus.”
She rubbed her face. “You hit me! You cow! This had better be good or I’m going to bitch slap you right back.”
I patted her arm. “There’s no easy way to say this so I’m going to go for it like pulling a plaster off really quickly. I’ve discovered I’m half-witch, Theo is a vampire, and Frankie is a wizard.”
“Well, it’s cool you telling me what you’re dressing as for Halloween, but can you get to the fucking point?” Kim rolled her eyes.
“No, Kim. We really are those things.”
“Fuck off. You’re not funny.”
I concentrated and put a glamour on the wine bottle, making it look like it was hanging in midair and pouring over the office floor. Kim quickly held her glass underneath it, her face contorting, trying to work out how it was in midair and how her glass wasn’t filling with liquid. I took the glamour away.
“What the fuckety fuck?”
“I’m a half-witch. My mother was a witch. Half of Withernsea are supernatural beings. I don’t know how many species but apparently werewolves are a real thing too.”
Ebony bolted through the door just after Kim fell sideways off her chair. She grabbed Kim and the glass. “I saw this in a flash vision. Sorry I kind of broke your door. She gets it and it won’t take her long, don’t worry.”
“She does? She’ll be okay about it?”
“It’s Kim. You’ll wish you’d not told her. You need to phone Frankie because in an hour she’s going to call him and ask if he can magic an even bigger dick for her pleasure.”
* * *
Sure enough, when Kim came to and had another ten minutes or so of asking me ridiculous questions like whether I could teleport Orlando Bloom into the office, (No. I may have tried. Don’t judge me. We’d have sent him back with his memory wiped-joking!), she’s beyond excited that her ‘drab world has suddenly become technicolour’.
“Well, there’s a large reason why I wanted to share this information with you. Regardless of the fact you’re my best friend, you’re also my assistant and we are becoming overrun with new membership requests from our supe friends. So, I’m opening another wing of Withernsea Dating - the Supernatural Dating Agency. Totally off-grid, we interview our new members and place them under this agency. I’ve asked Theo, and he’s going to alter our computer systems so if we’re audited, only the humans appear. However, under the new agency, we can matchmake supes with other supes. I’m not sure how we’ll progress if they want a human date, but let’s take that as it comes.”
“Maybe a legal disclaimer that they won’t eat their date, or hex them if they don’t like them?”
“Like I said, we have a lot to think about as we start our latest venture.”
“I can’t wait,” said Kim.
“Kim, you realise you’re not a member, right?”
“Yeeeeesss.”
“You can’t like ask them to strip or anything. Or send a nude photo with their application.
“God, you spoil all my fun.”
“You were crying earlier because you thought I’d stolen your boyfriend.”
“No, I wasn’t.”
“Erm, excuse me, you had snot running down your nose. It was gross.”
“That was because I thought he’d ruined my friendship with you. Frankie is just a fuck buddy. He’s not the love of my life. We know where we’re at with things. Now, I have a whole new world to explore. He can give me the magic goods and I can still look around. What’s happening with you and Theo, anyway? Is it going well?”
The Complete Collection: Supernatural Dating Agency Books 1-6 Page 9