Reasons for Recovery

by Blair Burden

  Chapter 12

  August 22

  I went to school early, just to speak to Mr. Rivers. And I mean early—no one was walking the halls yet. I let myself into his office and waited for him like an annoying puppy.

  Mr. Rivers came into the office and he jumped in fright when he saw me sitting at his desk. “Cassidy?”

  “I know I’m early, but I need to talk.”

  He turned on the office light and dumped his books on the table. “It’s sort of early. School doesn’t technically open until seven.”

  I checked my watch and it said six am. “But, it’s urgent.”

  “Who let you in?”

  “Oh, someone from band let me come inside.”

  With his eyes still on me, Mr. Rivers pulled out his breakfast. “What is the matter? You look so pale.”

  “It’s about Karen Daniels.”

  He sighed. “I heard about her. Is she okay?”

  “No, she’s not and I can’t help but blame myself,” I cried. “It’s my fault.”

  “Why is your fault?”

  “Well, I didn’t go with her to her dance meeting but I should have said yes and not be all anal about everything and I should have known because she told me she likes bad boys—”

  “Calm down!”

  “How can I? This is like the Mandy situation all over again. Everyone is gonna blame me. Is Karen going to stalk me in my head too?”

  “I’m going to tell you something and this is coming from my heart. Cassie, the reason why you believe you hear those voices is because of guilt. And I know this because, look at you now. You’re shaking in your seat, you have snot coming out your nose, and you keep blaming yourself for every bad thing.”

  “So, you’re just saying the same thing as everyone else. That I’m a nut!”

  “No, I’m saying you have a guilty conscious. And nutty people, from what I have studied don’t really have a conscious—but you do.”

  “So, how do I fix this?”

  “You need to come to terms with everything. There is a reason why you still hear Mandy, your dad, and anyone else and that is because you didn’t tell them something that you need to get off your back.”

  “And what is that?” I said while blowing my nose. “Is there like a recovery technique? Or a cure?”

  “Only you know—I wouldn’t know,” he laughed.

  “My mother has this coping technique when she would brush my hair.”

  “I remember when my mother passed away. I went through the same grief as you. Oh, I went through years of grief—and I would always think about her. I would lose sleep over her…hell sometimes I swear I heard her voice.”

  “Did you get better?”

  “Yes.”

  “How?”

  “I went to her grave and I talked to her. I never told her I loved her and how I appreciated her. It may sound a little loco, but it worked. And now I only think of the good times with her.”

  I smiled and wiped my tears. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For taking your time and talking to me. So, you think I should go talk to Karen?”

  “Well, let’s start off with Mandy. You still didn’t handle things with her. And you don’t have to go to her grave site or anything. You can just sit in your room and talk to her.”

  “And it will work?”

  “It’s a mental thing. If you believe it will work—it will work.” Mr. Rivers began to dig around in his files. “That is your assignment for today—you can start off with one person a day, and then we will work on you.”

  “What is wrong with me?”

  “Everything.”

  I sighed. “I suppose so.”

  “I will let you take this day off, but you have to do the assignment.”

  “Really? You’ll let me go home?”

  “Yup.”

  With a huge smile, I hugged Mr. Rivers and left his office. I continued to think about where and when I would talk to Mandy. I could not make up my mind, if I should to visit her grave and speak to her. Her grave was in walking distance from Karen’s home.

  When I arrived at the bitter place I now called home, Raymond did not speak to me. He didn’t even ask what I was doing home. He just went into an opposite room and I could hear him sobbing on the telephone. I felt like comforting him, but what good would that do. I understood he wanted to be alone.

  I sat at the kitchen table, alone like usual and ate breakfast. Pulling a Betsy, by being nosy, I dug around mail that was next to me. One letter caught my attention because it was from the hospital. It said Karen’s staying bill was close to three-thousand dollars and that was only from being there in one day. You would think, since Marla worked there that stuff would be free. However, that bill didn’t make sense. That was way too much so I continued to read it. As I read on, the letter said that Karen was in a vegetative state and that should would not be able do anything normal again.

  My heart skipped a beat and I put the letter back where I found it. “Jeez.”

  “Cassie?” Raymond called from the den.

  “Yeah?” I said and walked over to him.

  “What are you doing home? Shouldn’t you be leaving to school?”

  “I already went; Mr. Rivers said I could stay home and do an assignment.”

  “So, basically you were suspended.”

  “No,” I laughed. “I wasn’t suspended.”

  “Is it because of Karen? You know, she really will be fine. I haven’t seen her, but Marla said she is in a coma.”

  I paused, realizing Raymond didn’t know Karen’s actual state. “Oh, no it’s for something personal that I need to handle.”

  “Come sit with me.”

  I walked over and sat next to Raymond. So, it wouldn’t be awkward, I turned the television on. “Are you going to be okay?”

  “I hope Karen is okay,” Raymond said as he wrapped me in his arms.

  “She will be,” I said and laid my head on his chest.

  “I wonder what she is thinking now.”

  “I’m sure she is thinking about boys.”

  “Ugh!” he cried again.

  I fanned him with a paper, to cool him off. “I mean, not boys—I mean fashion. That’s right, Karen is thinking about fashion.”

  “Fashion?”

  “Yeah, all little teens like fashion.”

  He moaned and put his head down. “Why do you want to die? It doesn’t seem fun. You miss out on everything in life.”

  “I don’t know. It’s the way I’m built.”

  “That doesn’t make sense.”

  “You know those people who need to get rid of a limb?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, I’m like that…sometimes.”

  “So, you want to lose a limb too?” he gasped. “What is wrong with you?”

  “No!” I said. “I don’t want to lose a limb; I was just giving you an example.”

  “We shouldn’t talk about death.”

  “Yeah, we really shouldn’t—”

  “I can’t do—” Betsy walked into the den and saw us snuggled up on the couch.

  “Betsy?” I shouted as I jumped up from Raymond's arms.

  “Eh, I’ll come back.” she said as she went running out the den.

  “I should go talk to her,” I said as I got up.

  “Eh, okay,” he said.

  I walked out the den and into the kitchen looking for Betsy. I tried to get what I was going to say straight. But, they were all lies. I was a liar—a slutty liar.

  “I see your plan,” Betsy smiled as I came into the dining room. “Isn’t that illegal what you and him are doing?”

  “We aren’t doing anything,” I said.

  “Still looks illegal. They’re so many guys in the world and you want Karen’s dad?”

  “I don’t want him. I’m just comforting him through this hard time.”

  “I’m like a professional in body language and the way you were in his arms looked mor
e like you want each other.”

  “I’m not gonna stand here and let a little girl who hasn’t even hit puberty talk about me!”

  “Whatever!” she flipped her hair. “I just can’t wait to tell everyone!”

  “Betsy, you are the most annoying person I know! I cannot stand you! Haven’t you heard the saying, ‘what is said in this house stays in the house’?”

  “Nope, have you heard of a girl being a slut named, Cassie?”

  “Why would you do this to me?”

  “Whatever, I can’t wait to tell Karen about you.”

  I shoved Betsy in the barely chest she had and walked toward the front door. I could hear her moaning in pain as she shouted back at me to come back. Yeah, right, what would she do?

  I left out the house and began walking down the hill, not really knowing if I should go to Mandy’s grave. The only other place good on this side of town was the mall. So, it was either the mall or Mandy. I paused in place as the smell of cigarettes, gas, and body spray choked me.

  I turned around and Jordan pulled up next to me in his motorcycle. “Hey, Cassie! What’s up?”

  “Hello, my stalker,” I said.

  “Where are you headed?”

  “Nowhere special…maybe the mall or the cemetery.”

  He began to laugh, “That’s a big difference—a grave or the mall.”

  “Um, I guess so. Why are you over here? Shouldn’t you be in school?”

  “Eh, I don’t feel like going,” he whined.

  I rolled my eyes, “What’s new? You never go to school.”

  “Who are you to judge? You’re never in class either.”

  “Well, bye,” I said and walked at a faster pace.

  “Wait, so why are you going to the cemetery?”

  “None of your business.”

  “Can I join you?” he asked.

  “It’ll be pretty boring.”

  “You don’t seem boring.”

  “Listen, if this is some joke you and your friends are into…f—”

  “What?” he laughed. “You’re so paranoid.”

  “Of course. I’m almost eighteen and I never had people approach me like you.”

  “What am I doing wrong? We can’t be friends?”

  “It is really annoying how you keep talking to me.”

  “So, I won’t speak to you anymore if it annoys you.”

  “I didn’t mean it like that. I just never had a person go through loops to be my friend.”

  He beamed. “Hmm, that means I can go with you then?”

  “Why would you want to go to a cemetery?” I snapped.

  “Why would you want to go?” he said. “Are you going to do black magic or something creepy? Are you one of those people who dig up dead bodies at seven in the morning?”

  “No,” I chuckled.

  “Then why? If everyone else knew about this fetish you have, then they would think you’re creepier.”

  “It’s not a fetish! Mr. Rivers gave me an assignment to talk to everyone who is on my conscious or rather who are controlling my life. And Mandy, being one of them. He can’t work on helping me, if I don’t get the blockers out the way.”

  “It’s kind of like science.”

  I smiled, liking how Jordan did not judge me. “I guess so.”

  “So, can I still come along?”

  “Well, hmm—”

  “I swear I have nothing else better to do.”

  “You can come, but you have to drop the cigarette and park the bike.”

  Without another word, Jordan threw his cigarette on the wet ground and turned his motorcycle off. “Let’s go then.”

  “Wait, I thought you said you were quitting. And I recall you said I could smack you if you didn’t quit.”

  “Cassie, I was just kidding.”

  “Kidding?”

  “I'll quit but you cannot smack me!”

  We began to walk out the city and approached the busiest street that led to the mall. I felt as though everyone was staring at us as we approached the stop light. I was a nobody alone, but with Jordan, I was a somebody that people wanted to talk about.

  “You look cold,” Jordan said as we crossed the street. “This is why I hate Simon, Idaho. It's summer but yet it's all moist. Are you cold?”

  “No, I’m fine,” I snapped.

  “You’re really hard to read. I don’t know if you’re playing hard to get or you’re really this cold-hearted.”

  I smiled. “You have a lot to learn about me.”

  “Uh, I heard about your sister. I’m sorry,” he said as we got closer to the cemetery. You could tell we were getting closer because more trees filled the street and no one was in sight.

  “I don’t have a sister.”

  “What? That little girl you’re always with.”

  “She’s not my sister,” I snapped.

  “So, she’s your friend?”

  “Eh, I guess so.”

  “So, you do have a friend!”

  We paused at the gate entrance as us being there so quickly startled us. The sign that read ‘Simon’s Cemetery’ gave me chills down my spine. It felt like yesterday that we were there burying Mandy. It had rained that day too and her grandmother kept on saying that was a bad sign.

  “Are you ready? Can we just walk in?” Jordan said. “I’ve never been to a cemetery like this before.”

  “Yeah, we can just walk in. I think there are cameras to watch for grave diggers.”

  Jordan took a deep breath and walked at a slow pace behind me. I could hear him breathing profusely as we got closer to her tombstone. Tears began to flood my eyes, as the biggest tombstone was right in front of me—Mandy’s. Rosa went all out for her daughter’s funeral because she thought Mandy deserved something so special.

  “What are you going to do?” Jordan said as we sat in front of the gravestone. “Do you need tissue? I have tissue somewhere in my pocket.” He began to dig nervously around his jacket.

  “No, I’m fine,” I smiled. “I have this note, um, that I wanted to read. It’s kind of embarrassing though, since you’re here.”

  “Oh, I won’t even say anything, I swear. I’m not here to mock you,” he said as if he were a robot. “I’m here to support you to get better.”

  I pulled up a note that I had in my pocket—I had written it before her funeral and was supposed to read it, but Mama said it was too raw and everyone would hate me even more if I did read it. “Should I read it now?”

  “Um, it’s your decision. I’m just here because…well I don’t know why I’m here.”

  “Um, let me see…I should start,” I glanced over the note looking to see where I should begin. “Well Mandy, um…I don’t know what to say,” I said to Jordan.

  “Just tell her the truth.”

  “Mandy, I don’t hate you; I hated who you had become in your later months. I actually love you and I want to say I love you to death but I would be lying…wait that sounds bad…I do love you to death…as you can see Mandy I don’t know what I’m doing. I just have so many questions I want to ask you. And if you had it in your heart…you would let me live my life. And I don’t want to remember the bad times with us, just the good ones. When me and you would sing karaoke until our voices were fried, and when we would give each other makeovers and you have me looking like a tramp from 60th street and I had you looking like a model off the runway. Those were our good times. That’s it.”

  Jordan sighed and rubbed my back. “Wow, that was intense. I could feel her. It’s like an outer body experience. That was literally the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

  I giggled and felt a lot better too. “I don’t hear her. It’s all mental,” I said as I thought about Mr. Rivers. “If I want to remember the happy times, I should be able to remember the happy times, right?”

  “Of course!” Jordan gasped.

  “I’ve been driving myself nuts this whole time! It was me planting those ideas and voices in my head—it was not M
andy—it was me making myself suffer because of guilt.”

  “Wait, guilt from what?”

  “Guilt because I never told Mandy the truth,” I smiled. “But, now I did and I feel so much better. I can run a mile!”

  Jordan gave me a high-five at a moment where he should have ran away. “That’s amazing. Our mind is so powerful.”

  “We should go eat something,” I said as I stood up. “We passed a fast food place a block away.”

  “Okay,” he said and we skipped out the cemetery as if we were high on drugs.

  That whole experience at the cemetery brought me closer to Jordan. I couldn’t name one other person who would agree to sit with me and talk to a dead person. No one in their right mind would do that, especially if I said I hear voices in my head.

  Jordan and I sat at a table for only two seats. I couldn’t read him and I wondered if he would go back and tell his boys everything about what happened. I also wondered if he thought I was a nutcase like everyone else did.

  “You’re not going to tell Kyle what happened today are you?” I said.

  “No, why would I tell him…unless you want me to,” he said.

  “Well, he is your best friend.”

  “Just because we hang out every day, doesn’t mean he’s my best friend.”

  “Then, what is he?”

  “I don’t know…just a friend. We are so much different. I honestly just like him because he gives me free gas because his dad owns the gas station and he buys me cigarettes—”

  “Which are bad for you and you’re gonna quit.”

  “Sure,” he grinned. “Kyle is such a moron sometimes.”

  “I thought I was the only one who noticed.”

  “No, everyone thinks it.”

  “That’s good then.”

  “So, you feel better now that you got that off your chest?”

  “Well, I’m half better. I still need to get things off my chest with my dad. However, I don’t even know why he continues to ridicule me.”

  “Hmm, did you guys get along?”

  “Like icing and cake.”

  “Then what?”

  “He doesn’t like me being with my mother. That is the only thing I can think about. He also tells me to not stay with Karen. He confuses me. I just have to remember it’s all mental. It’s me doing this to myself. And I won’t let him bother me.”

  “Do you hear him now?”

  I stayed quiet actually waiting to hear him speak. “No, not now. It’s usually at odd times when I’m not thinking about it, but maybe somehow subconsciously I’m thinking about him.”

  “Eh, that would annoy me.”

  “Don’t you have a conscious?”

  “I do, but it’s nowhere near as annoying as yours. I mean, things bother me quickly but then I’m over it within a few hours or days,” he laughed. “It doesn’t bother me like you.”

  “Maybe because I have nothing to think about—like I don’t have friends to ease my mind.”

  “You don’t have any girlfriends at all that you can talk to?” Jordan asked.

  “Eh, I can’t tolerate them.”

  “So, you hate girls?”

  “You wanna know why I hate girls?” I said as I bit into my cold burger.

  “I wanna know why you hate everything in general?” he said as he picked at his fries.

  “We’ll get to that later…but girls are so stupid!”

  “Why?”

  “They let their emotions have the best of them. They fall in love too easily, and then they break the guy’s heart!”

  “That’s deep!”

  I stuffed my mouth with fries. “And also like Karen, the girl who you thought was my sister. She was in a car with a boy doing lord knows what!”

  “Was he drunk?”

  “I have no idea. I think they’re gonna do an autopsy.”

  “He died?”

  “Yup,” I said emotionless.

  “Damn that sucks. Do you hate yourself since you’re a girl then?”

  “Yeah, I hate myself all the time.”

  “Must be awesome—”

  “Hey, Jordan,” said a “cool” girl from our school. I did not know her name so she was not popular to me. However, everyone else praised her. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m eating,” Jordan said. “As you can see.”

  “With Cassie?” she said.

  I wondered how she knew my name since I was a nobody.

  “Yeah,” he said sarcastically. “You should leave.”

  She flipped her fake hair and walked away, feeling horrible he rejected her for me—a loser.

  “Good job. I didn’t think you had balls,” I said and poured ketchup on my fries. “You’re impressing me more and more.”

  “I have plenty of balls,” he said as he flexed.

  “Hey, I don’t want to hear about your extra growths on our first date,” I said.

  He laughed, stopped, and stared at me. “Date?”

  “Oh, did I say date—”

  “Yeah, it’s our first date. Hopefully more to come,” he smiled.

  “Interesting, our first date was at a cemetery where I talked to my dead best friend.”

  “This is a good start,” he chided and my heart melted.

  After our breakfast/lunch, Jordan decided he would head to class at least for science. I thought about going back to school too, just to talk to Dr. Rivers about my assignment. He probably didn’t think I would actually go to the cemetery and talk to Mandy. Honestly, I didn’t think I would do it either.

  Bought time I got home, dinner was already on the table. I was still full from earlier, but I didn’t want to offend Marla and her cooking so I sat at the table.

  “Where were you all day?” Raymond said.

  I stared at Betsy, who was still mad at me earlier for shoving her. “Um, just walking.”

  Marla sat down across from Raymond and smiled at me. “Walking where?”

  “Just around.”

  The dinner table was probably the most awkward moment of my life. The fact that Karen was not there made it even more terrible. Raymond and Marla could have easily kicked me out their house, since I didn’t belong to them and they didn’t have custody of me. I was just waiting for them to say for me to pack my things.

  “Since Karen isn’t here I want to get something off my shoulders,” Marla broke the silence.

  I held my breath, not wanting to be part of this conversation. I tried to think about happier things, like puppies and llamas but it didn’t work.

  “Raymond, I’m in love with another man. I’m gonna have his baby and I’m leaving you,” Marla said.

  “But Marla!” he cried as he slammed his spoon down. “Please tell me this is a joke?”

  “I’m sorry. You just bore me! I should not have to be with the same man since I was thirteen. I deserve a man who will take me out and travel with me!”

  “Marla, I do everything for you!”

  This scene was beyond a Lifetime movie. The husband would pull out a gun and threaten to kill himself. Better yet, he would shoot all of us and flee to Cuba.

  “How could you cheat on me?” Raymond cried. “I’m still young looking, I have no gray hairs, and I have a six pack!”

  “I don’t love you anymore. I only stayed with you because of Karen. Now that Karen is…well it’s time,” she hesitated.

  “Now, that Karen is what?” he snapped.

  “Dead? You’re trying to say she is dead aren’t you?” I gasped. “How dare you.”

  “What is the likely she will be normal?” Marla said.

  “Typical. You’re hoping Karen would die so you can move on with your life!” Raymond shouted.

  I looked over at Betsy who had her head down in her plate. I was ready for her to defend her best friend’s life, but she did not.

  “Karen is not dead yet!” Raymond screamed so loudly I think the neighbors could hear him.

  “In my head she is!” Marla said. “I k
now that sounds bad, but you haven’t seen her yet.”

  Betsy stood up on her chair, nearly falling over. “Everyone, Cassie’s mom has HIV.”

  “What?” we all gasped.

  “Why’d you say that?” I said and pushed her off the seat.

  “I don’t know. I wanted everyone to stop fighting!” she said as she collapsed to the floor. “I hate when people fight.”

  “Your mom has HIV?” Raymond came over to me. “Do…you…have—”

  “No, I don’t have it. She was diagnosed a few years ago.”

  “I already knew that,” Marla said. “I used to work at the clinic she got tested at. I remember I held her in my arms when she got the results.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” I said.

  “We have to discuss this. We are a family now,” Raymond said as he sat down.

  “We are not a family. I have no family,” I snapped. “And neither do any of you. Marla is a home wrecker, Betsy has druggie parents who will never come back for her, and you Ray, you have nothing without Karen because you cannot stop Marla from leaving you.”

  “You’re cold,” Betsy said.

  “No, I’m honest. I don’t sugarcoat bullshit like you all do. You said Karen is in a coma. You lied. I saw the papers on the table when I got home…she is in a persistent vegetative state.”

  Marla began to cry. “You are evil!”

  “I’m evil? You just said she was dead to you.”

  “Is this true?” Raymond said. “Is she really not in a coma?”

  “I’m sorry,” Marla said. “I was going to tell you, but…”

  It was not my goal to make everyone hate me. I hated when people made things out to be what they were not. It also was not my goal to make everyone happy. And I was good at that—better than most.

  “Stop trying to make things happier than what they aren’t,” I snapped.

  “So, then what’s the point of living?” Betsy asked. “We should just all die if we have no purpose.”

  “That’s the question I’ve been asking myself my whole life; what the meaning of life is. What is my purpose on Earth?”