Reasons for Recovery

by Blair Burden

  Chapter 14

  September 9

  Eh, I looked horrible in black. Whoever said black goes on everyone lied or maybe I didn’t like black because it was the third time I had worn it within four years—the same black dress that hung at the back of my closet. I got it from Forever 21 and it was on sale for twenty bucks. The lace that covered my bust had ripped from a hanger; I still do not know how, but I had ripped—

  “Are you okay?” Raymond whispered, interrupting my thoughts.

  I sighed and came back to reality as Marla was still giving a speech that I was hoping she would not do. Me and the one-hundred other people did not want her to get up there in such a messy fashion. She had snot sliding down to her lips, she had black makeup all over her face—she was a mess and I understood every reason why.

  Everyone who I could imagine was at the funeral. Dr. Summings sat in the back, I wondered if it was for Marla or Karen. Mama didn’t show, not that I expected her to. She probably did not even know half the town was here, since she didn’t have a TV. I wanted Jordan to come, but he said he hated funerals, so it was best if he just stayed home.

  I began to fidget in my seat as Marla paused to cry again. “Do you mind if I speak? This will be a coping technique that a counselor taught me,” I said to Raymond. “I promise I won’t embarrass anyone.”

  “I don’t think that is such a great idea,” he whispered. “Especially, after that whole Mandy memorial.”

  “I promise I won’t do anything selfish.”

  “No, Cassie.”

  “Please.”

  He sighed, “But you better not embarrass my family.”

  “So, I can?”

  “Well, I guess so.”

  I stood up and walked to the stand, waiting for Marla to finish speaking. I had no idea what I would say, but I just knew I didn’t want Karen talking in my head months after she was gone. I had enough of my father and Mandy; there was no more room for other thoughts.

  I walked up on the stage and tried not to look down at Karen’s open casket. Marla’s eyes narrowed as she turned around to step down, watching my movements. I expected her to say something to me, but she walked down and went to her seat.

  Everyone was quiet as I stood to the stand. The only sound I could hear were people sobbing and whispering—probably about my motives.

  I cleared my throat, “Hello, I’m Cassie. Um, I knew Karen a little while now. She was really a sweet girl, who cared about me a lot. She bugged the hell out of me and that is coming from the happiest part of my heart. I do not know what I will do now that I don’t have her. She would use the restroom pass to make sure I wasn’t sitting by my locker and doing my makeup,” I laughed and everyone else seemed to laugh with me. “I just want to say, Karen was an amazing girl and I love her…” I paused and thought about what Mr. Rivers told me to do with Mandy. “I love you, Karen and you were an amazing friend. I know you loved me, because you wouldn’t have wasted your time on me. I will miss hearing you gossip about boys and pressuring me to have a makeover. That’s all I have to say.” I stepped down off the stage and everyone clapped. For once, everyone was on my side.

  The service went on for two more hours. It was not until we buried her at Simon Cemetery when I realized she was really gone forever. Seeing her go lower and lower into the ground just brought back every memory I didn’t cherish with her. If everything happened for a reason, I didn’t quite understand why she had to die to get a point across—was it because of me?

  I forced myself to attend the after service that Raymond and Marla held, where they served food and drinks to everyone. I really could not avoid it, since I lived there. The point of the service was to talk and be happy again as if a little teen did not just die.

  I walked into the kitchen where I caught Marla and Dr. Summings off guard. “Hello, Dr. Summings.”

  “Cassidy, that was a very nice speech you gave,” he said as more people entered the kitchen behind me to get more drinks.

  “I was a little sketchy at first when you approached the stage. I thought you were going to bash my baby,” Marla said as she sipped wine. “But, it was a lovely speech.”

  Dr. Summings pulled a woman close to him. “This is my wife, Cherry.”

  My eyes grew large and I smiled awkwardly, “Oh, I didn’t know you were married,” I lied. “Nice to meet you.”

  “Ha, you’re funny,” Cherry said as she kissed him.

  “You don’t see her much because she’s a flight attendant,” Marla added as her eyes narrowed.

  “Oh, really,” I said. “That’s interesting.”

  “I’ve heard so much about you,” Cherry said.

  “Hopefully good stuff!” I joked and sipped some water.

  “Oh, yeah,” she lied.

  “I’m glad you’re feeling better. I haven’t seen you in a while,” Dr. Summings said. “Is that a good thing?”

  “Oh, you’ll be seeing plenty of me when I start seeing Martha Conan for psychiatry.”

  “Oh, no, but she is in the other building. I kind of miss seeing you. Oh, I’m joking. I’m glad you’re not in my office for an overdose.”

  “Okay, I have to go find Raymond. It was nice meeting you, Cherry. I mean, you have no idea…it was really nice meeting you.”

  I walked away searching for Raymond throughout his overcrowded home. I spotted him at the table where everyone was comforting him with attention I know he hated. One woman ran her fingers through his hair and another stroked his back. I felt bad as they all smothered him with useless attention—

  Dr. Smith tapped on my shoulders and I turned around in fright. He was one of the last people I wanted to see on a day like this.

  He leaned in with his huge arms to hug me. “I’m sorry, Cassidy.”

  “Dr. Smith?” I said as he held me tight.

  “I know this is hard for you. First, Mandy and your father now this…you must be on the verge of just ending it all right now. I couldn’t imagine being as depressed as you—”

  I pushed him away, shutting him up. “Please stop talking. I know I’m supposed to obey you at school, but you’re in my territory and I just want you to stop talking.”

  “Is this about Mr. Rivers?”

  “Maybe, but now I just don’t want to think about it. I’m going through a lot.”

  “So, you will speak to Martha Conan within this coming week?”

  “Like I just said, I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “And Cassidy, I will totally understand if you don’t come to school for a week. I understand your situation.”

  I gave Dr. Smith a fake smile and walked away from him. I kept my eyes on Raymond who was in tears again. I could not stand seeing him like that, nor did I want people to see me sobbing, so I ran out to the pool house.

  The more further I got away from the main house, the quieter and more peaceful I felt. The pouring rain, made everything seem all right, as if everything were going to be okay. Maybe that was a sign that Karen was okay too.

  When I was little Mama used to tell me the rain represented the clearing of everyone’s pain. She would say that when it rains, it was everyone’s fresh start. It was a sign from whoever we all believe in that it was okay to start over—it’s okay to make mistakes.

  When I went into the pool house, I took off my heels that were five inches too high and threw them into a suitcase. I figured since Karen passed, her parents didn’t need to deal with me anymore. The only place I could think of going to was back home with Mama.

  As I laid my head onto my pillow, glitter flew everywhere. I began to shake my head vigorously as it went into my nose and eyes. “Hmm,” I said as I lifted the envelope up. I smiled from ear to ear as I realized it was the note Karen had been trying to get me to read.

  I tore open the letter with my teeth and glitter slid into my mouth. With my heart racing, I yanked out the letter and immediately began to read it:

  Cassie, Cassidy, the cool girl, whatever:

  I a
m writing you this note and I know you’re gonna say, ‘ew you’re so middle school’, but I have to tell you this. And I’m telling you because I can’t tell Betsy or anyone else from the dance team because they have big mouths and they won’t understand. Anyway, it’s about my dad.

  A year ago my mom’s sister, my auntie, Mary-Ann used to live with us. That was until my dad became so attached to her and obsessed with her. The reason why she stayed with us was that she had a bad eating disorder. My dad is what you call a DEPRESSED, OBSESSED LOSER. You might be confused on why I’m telling you this, but I think my dad is becoming the same around you. I don’t want to believe it, but I see everything that happened with my auntie that is happening with you. First, he’s going to tell you about his problems with my mom. Next, he is going to make you move in with him. Then, he will drag you away from your friends and family. Two years ago, my dad went crazy and threatened to kill my mom and me if she ever left him for Dr. Summings. Yes, I know about him. And last summer, while in Hawaii, my dad threaten to shoot his brains out when he caught my mom in bed with another guy.

  I’m telling you this because I don’t want you to stay with us anymore. I’m not saying it as a bully; I’m saying it to protect you. The reason I can’t tell you face to face is because someone might hear and my reputation would be down the drain. I’m telling you to leave before he gets emotionally attached to you—like with my auntie. It got so bad with her, that she has a restraining order against my dad and I can’t see her anymore. I don’t ever want that to happen to you! My dad has some mega issues and he takes depressed girls like him down with them. Text me after you get this letter.

  See you at the locker tomorrow, Karen. And please don’t bring this up around Betsy. Oh yeah, I borrowed your black ripped shirt to wear with my leggings. Love you, night.

  I folded the note up and put it back into the ripped envelope. I began to panic as I heard a knock on my door. Thinking it was Raymond, I stuffed the letter into my handbag and walked over to the door to answer it.

  “Jordan?” I beamed. “What are you doing here?”

  Jordan shook his wet hair and handed me a plastic bag full of junk food. “Since I didn’t go to the funeral, I thought I would come by to see if you’re okay.”

  “But, how’d you know I was back here? Well, how’d you know everyone was here?”

  “My parents are here and Betsy told me you stay back here,” he said as he sat in a chair at my desk. “This is a really nice home.”

  I paused, thinking about who his parents could be, but then drifted back to him. “I’m glad you came by. I am so over this funeral.”

  “So, you didn’t do anything crazy did you?” he laughed. “I’m joking…I know you didn’t do anything crazy.”

  “No, surprisingly I did not embarrass myself or Karen.” As if it was my time of the month, I began to sob by just saying her name. “I can’t believe she is really gone.”

  Jordan jumped out the chair and walked over to me. He wrapped me in his arms, “I understand. You are not going to get better in one day. It will take years to finally speak joy about her. And that goes for all your losses.”

  “You always have something good to say,” I cried. “It’s like you study these things.”

  “I try, but I think I came at the wrong time. Maybe I should leave and I’ll see you—”

  “No, stay with me,” I pouted. “You see that box over there.” I pointed to an old rusty box on my desk.

  “Um, yes.”

  “Well, it’s full of blades. And it’s so beautiful right now. If you leave me, I don’t know what I will do!”

  Jordan kissed my forehead. “Don’t worry, I won’t leave you. And look,” he pulled out a pack of gum.

  “It’s gum…”

  “I’m quitting.”

  “You quit smoking?”

  “Eh, it was a nasty habit.”

  “You just made me feel a lot more better now.”

  “That’s what I’m here for.”

  I usually hated being in the presence of people when I cried. Even if I was crying from laughter, which was rare, I didn’t want people looking at me. However, I wanted Jordan to stay with me. If he could handle me “talking” to a dead best friend, he could handle me in grief.

  “You know what I think about a lot?” Jordan said. “Like I probably think about it every time I’m at school.”

  “What is it?” I said as I blew my nose.

  “How sporks are made…”

  “Sporks?”

  “Yeah, you know, the forks and spoon put together.”

  “Well, that’s a random thought,” I laughed. “Who just thinks about that?”

  “I do and now you’re gonna think about it too.”

  “Why?”

  “Because, it keeps your mind off other things.”

  I giggled, “Tell me more about these sporks…”