Reasons for Recovery

by Blair Burden

Chapter 16

  September 24

  I entered Simon hospital to have my first meeting with Martha Conan. She was supposed to be the best of the best when it came to psychiatry. I wondered how she got that label; I hoped it was from all good and not lies.

  I remembered back when I was sixteen, Mama and I went to a psychiatrist for our fighting. She was atrocious and way too expensive. We felt as though we were paying her to tell us stuff we already knew. Did I mention it was expensive?

  “Cassidy? Cassidy White?” said who I assumed was Martha Conan.

  “Um, hello Mrs. Conan,” I said, confused on where to go.

  “Call me Martha. I like to build good relationships with my clients,” she said. “I’m Martha.”

  Martha was every bit of annoying and everything I imagined. She was about five foot nine and not in a feminine way. She had big muscles as if she was a weekend weight lifter and her voice was so loud as if she were shouting. The only thing nice she had on her was probably her long black hair and dark brown eyes.

  “So, why are you here?” she said as she sat me on a couch. “Drugs? Partying?”

  “Um…no…”

  “Uh, alcohol addiction?”

  “Well, I don’t really know why I’m here. I don’t know if I’m here for self-harming or my depression.”

  “Oh, it doesn’t really matter. The longer I keep you here, the more I get paid,” she laughed.

  “Um…”

  “So…”

  “Well, when I was with Mr. Rivers who was my counselor he gave me some good advice about voices in my head.”

  “Oh, so you hear voices?”

  “Not really anymore, but he helped me get better by giving me a technique where I tell the person who is bugging me all the things I wished I told them when I was alive. So, with my best friend I went to her grave and talked to her. It was the best experience ever—”

  “That sounds utterly insane! Whoa, you’re crazier than I thought! I’m going to have to put you on a lot of medication!”

  “Um, you’re not supposed to tell me that.”

  “Can we speed this along, my daughter is sick and I need to pick her up from school.”

  “No, I guess that’s it,” I said in a saddened tone.

  “Okay, so here are your meds to get and I will see you next week.”

  “Actually, I won’t be coming back. I think I’m fine,” I said while handing her back the prescription paper. “I thought you would be different.”

  “I’m a hell lot better than that Mr. Rivers guy.”

  “No you’re not.”

  I went back to Karen Raymond’s home, which seemed quicker than usual. I could say I hated Martha because I experienced her. I was not like those other depressed teens who said they hated everything when they never tried it.

  When I pulled into the garage, I dialed Mr. River’s number, hoping he would answer. And as expected, he did not.

  As I parked, Raymond came into the garage. “The home is so lonely now!”

  I hung up the phone and rolled down the car window. “Yeah, I know.” Cassie, please just go home. “Dad?”

  “Did you just call me dad?” Raymond said.

  “Oh, no…”

  “Let me guess…it’s the voices.”

  “Uh, sorry.”

  “What is he saying?”

  I don’t know—my phone ringing cut me off—it was Mr. Rivers calling me back. “I have to answer this.”

  “Come talk to me when you’re done,” Raymond said and went back into the house.

  I rolled my window back up. “Hello?” I answered. “Mr. Rivers?”

  “Hey Cassidy! You called me?”

  “Oh gosh, I went to Martha today.”

  “How was she?”

  “She was terrible! She kept on saying I was crazy and your bright idea she said it was utterly insane.”

  “Ha, I had another student tell me the same thing. Dr. Smith only likes her because she drugs students like you up. He likes when you are silent.”

  “You said another student said the same thing? Who else at Simon high is like me?” I laughed. “I thought I was one of a kind.”

  “That’s confidential.”

  “Are you gonna still help me?” I sighed.

  “With what now?”

  “My dad—should I do the same thing like with Mandy?”

  “Um, well it depends. What does he say?”

  “He keeps telling me like to go home or don’t do that. He sometimes contradicts himself. What is he trying to tell me?”

  “I wouldn’t know, but you should listen to him. Maybe he’s trying to remind you of something or tell you something.”

  I paused and I knew exactly what my dad was trying to tell me. “Thanks Mr. Rivers. I know exactly what he is trying to tell me!”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, thanks bye!” I said and hung up. I closed my eyes, and thought about my best friend—not Mandy but my shiny sharp best friend who was just an arm away. Without second thinking, I opened my glove department and pulled out the rusty old box.

  I stared at it, thinking about Jordan. We never discussed my cutting much and I knew he would be hurt if I did do it again, but he didn’t understand. I don’t think anyone understood. Before I knew it, the blade was touching my warm skin. It hurt more than usual as I let the blade slide across my wrist in slow motion.

  “Cassie?” Raymond shouted from inside. “Are you okay?”

  I jumped and shoved the blade back into my glove department. “Yeah, I’ll come in now.” I wrapped my wrist like usual and got out the car in pain and pleasure.

  As soon as I walked into the kitchen, Raymond said, “You should move in.”

  “Me?” I asked in shock. “Um, that’s not a good idea.”

  “No, I insist.”

  “But, there is no room.”

  “Well, now that Karen's room is all cleaned out…”

  “You want me to move into Karen's old room? That’s kind of spooky,” I said as I sat next to him at the table. “And plus, I might be going back home soon.”

  “Why would you go back home?” he snapped. “That is stupid.”

  Nervous on where the conversation would lead, I rocked in my seat. “It’s not a stupid idea.”

  “No, just stop joking and move in with me.”

  “I think your idea is really stupid,” I whined, “and what about Betsy?”

  Raymond walked over to me and put his hands on my shoulder. “Didn’t I tell you what happened?”

  I gently shoved him away and stood up, ready to leave. “Tell me what?”

  “How Betsy’s aunt is taking her in?”

  “Nope, you didn’t tell me.”

  “Well yeah, she is moving out within the next few weeks.”

  “Everything is happening way too fast. I don’t know what to say—”

  “I think it’s good that Betsy can be around her real family.”

  “Well, it is good. Betsy reminded me too much of Karen at times,” I coughed. “Plus, I think she will be happier.”

  Raymond smiled and bit into his bagel. “So, just move in with me, until you get settled with your mother.”

  I crumbled up a napkin, thinking of appropriate words to say, but nothing came to mind. I sighed and walked into the living room, ignoring him.

  “Cassidy, don’t walk away from me,” he snapped and ran after me. “I insist, you can stay here.”

  “If it’s okay with you, but I’m not moving into Karen’s old room. I’ll take Betsy’s room for a few days.”

  “Okay, then, let’s get settled.”

  “But, I have to go right now. I’m having lunch with an old friend of mine.”

  While holding my breath, I walked back out to the garage. I sat in my car for a few minutes, thinking about the insanity Raymond was putting me through. I should not have to go through so much drama when I was grieving.

  When I finally calmed down, I drove to the mall where I woul
d be meeting Rebecca for lunch. She had been gone longer than expected, missing out on all the drama that happened in our small town.

  With squinted eyes, I entered the café searching for Rebecca’s tall frame. “Rebecca!” I shouted as I saw her sitting down next to a window.

  “Cassie!” she screeched and kissed my cheek. “I missed you!”

  “I missed you too, love!” I said.

  “Let’s eat and talk!” she beamed and pulled me to sit across from her. “So, how is life treating you now?”

  “I hate my life!” I whined. “You could have told me you’d be gone longer than a month; I really needed you.” I held Rebecca’s hands not wanting to let her go.

  “You could have called,” she said as she slurped her milkshake. “I know a lot has happened to you, but I heard Mr. Rivers is helping you. That should be a plus, since he is gorgeous!”

  “Eh, I know, but Dr. Smith doesn’t like that whole situation. I don’t even know why.”

  “And I heard about your friend.”

  “I still cannot believe Karen is gone. The funeral was beautiful by the way.”

  “Where did they have it?”

  “Out here. I wasn’t going to go. I don’t like death—”

  “You could have fooled me!” she laughed. “As many times as you wanted to visit him.”

  I sighed and changed the subject. “I think I’m in love.”

  “You? Love?” she spit. “With Karen? I knew it!”

  “No!” I smacked her arm. “I’m not a lesbian…you think I like girls?”

  “I don’t know what you like, Cassie…hell! You could like dogs and I wouldn’t be shocked!”

  “Oh my god, you’re so silly,” I laughed. “But, I’m serious.”

  “With who, then?” she burped. “Excuse me, but I didn’t even know you knew anyone to fall in love with.”

  “How’d you know you were in love with Jon?” I said as I drank my coffee.

  “Oh, it was the first date,” she beamed. “He picked me up and carried me into Burger King. We were like your age.”

  “So, it was your first date when you knew you would marry him?”

  “Nope.”

  “I don’t get it.”

  “Back to you being in love. I knew there was something different about you. I haven’t seen you smile in forever. So, who is the lucky man making you beam?”

  “Well, this is where I’m in trouble,” I whispered.

  “What?” she gasped and leaned closer. “You’re pregnant again?”

  “No! Oh my god, do I look pregnant?” I lifted my shirt exposing my bare stomach.

  She pulled down my shirt and looked around to see if anyone was staring. “No, silly! I was just kidding.”

  I sighed and put my head down on the table.

  “Then what is wrong?” she said. “Tell me now!”

  “There are two men!” I said quickly.

  “Men?”

  “You didn’t hear the part where I said two, did you?”

  “Well, well, well…” she laughed. “Who?”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  “Oh, Cassie! How the hell do you tell me half the story? You brought it up, so you might as well tell me!”

  “But, you can’t judge me.”

  “I won’t,” she said and held out her pinkie. “Spill it, Honey C!”

  “Well, the first guy is Jordan McNeal—”

  “The Jordan McNeal? I taught him last year in advance calculus. He’s gorgeous!” she cheered. “You must talk to him!”

  “I do talk to him…I think he’s my boyfriend.”

  “What?” she gasped. “What do you mean you think?”

  “We’ve been on about two dates and he’s always over at my place.”

  “Oh my god! I’ve been gone for a quick second and you’re practically married!”

  “I’m not married,” I giggled. “I think I like him now.”

  “Then, what’s the problem?”

  “The other man!”

  “Who is it? Please don’t say it’s that idiot Kyle—”

  “Karen’s dad,” I muttered.

  “Ew!” she pushed me away. “Isn’t he like fifty?”

  “Nope, he’s twenty-eight and he’s gorgeous too!” I cried. “I don’t know what to do because he’s a total nut job.”

  “Wait, let me get this straight. Don’t you live with her dad?”

  “Yes.”

  “But, Jordan is your boyfriend?”

  “Yup.”

  “Then what?”

  “Me and Karen’s dad have a connection. He loves me too. I know it.”

  “How would you know?”

  “He’s kissed me already, he’s so nice, and he always wants alone time with me.”

  Rebecca began to eat her popcorn as if she were watching a movie. “Isn’t he married?”

  “Yeah, but his wife left him for another man. She is having Jordan’s dad’s baby!”

  “Holy shit!” she spit. “This is better than a soap opera!”

  “I know,” I whined. “What should I do?”

  “Firstly, I have to see what Karen’s dad looks like. Then—”

  “I’m sure you’ve seen him around. He’s sort of tall and has shoulder length brown hair—”

  “Hmm, I think I know who he is. I saw his picture in the newspaper not too long ago.”

  “I am scared to be alone with him now. He’s like this psycho wreck since his wife left, Karen died, Betsy is gone now, and I’m with Jordan.”

  “Doesn’t he have friends? Or other family?”

  “I don’t think so,” I said. “Everything is so complicated.”

  Rebecca smirked and kicked my foot. “I think this is a good thing though.”

  “Why?”

  “It keeps your mind off of other things—”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know…suicide. You have not been to the hospital in a while. That’s improvement.”

  “I would much rather go back to my old messed up life than be with this new dysfunctional life.”

  “No you don’t.”

  “I do.”

  “Then, what’s stopping you?”

  I pulled up my sleeve and unwrapped my wrist. “I’ve cheated; I’ve obviously haven’t changed.”

  Rebecca traced her cold fingers over my new scar. “Oh my god. You need to get help for this.”

  “I know, but no one in this town understands much about people like me. They just label me as a nutcase and prescribe me medication.”

  She sighed and let go of my hand. “I want to get you help. What does Valeria think about this?”

  “I haven’t spoken to Mama in a long time. She calls me but I never pick up. I need to call her and go back home before Raymond goes loco on me. I cannot stay with him.”

  “You can’t stand Valeria. You will not go back. I wouldn’t allow you to go back home with her abusive ass.”

  “I know but I have to. This is part of my assignment.”

  “What assignment?”

  “Well, it’s a coping technique to get daddy out of my head. He keeps telling me to go home. So, I need to see why, so he can leave me alone.”

  “Do you think it’s that inheritance money he left you for when you turn eighteen?” she winked.

  “You’re right. I had forgotten about that money until earlier today,” I murmured. “That’s the only thing I can think of. Unless he wants me to go home to tell him I love him or something insane.”

  “No, I’m pretty sure it’s the money.”

  When my dad passed away he left half a million dollars for me. The only thing that was stopping me from getting it was that I was a minor. Before he had died, he told me one important thing; to not give any of the money to Mama.

  “Mama would hate me, if I got that money,” I said. “She struggles every day to pay bills—mostly bills I left and dad left.”

  “It’s her fault.”

  “Don’t sa
y that in public,” I whispered.

  “Well, it’s true. We know the truth,” she whispered. “Do what you want. But, I will call you the biggest idiot if you don’t get that money.”

  “Ooh I love you, Becca! I’m going to go talk to Mama as soon as I can!”

  When I went back to Raymond’s place, I noticed he had moved a lot of my things already to Betsy’s old room. I tensed up over the fact that I hated people touching my stuff and tried to ignore him.

  “Do you want to watch a movie tonight?” Raymond asked as I packed my things in the pool house.

  “Uh, well, I can’t…I’m going to leave,” I said.

  “But why?”

  Honestly, I did not want to be with Raymond. He made everything awkward. I felt like it was my duty to make him happy. I was not married to him, but I felt like it. He also made me feel uncomfortable. He reminded me of Mandy’s old neighbor who would always ask her to pick the apples off his tree. Then, he would ask her to clean his stove and do all this housework. Naive as she was, Mandy always fell for his tricks. It was probably one of the grossest things ever.

  “Your mom called again,” Raymond said, bringing me back to reality.

  I paused in the doorway with the boxes in my hands. “What did she want?”

  “To see how you were doing. You should call her back.”

  “Well, I have to talk to her anyway.”

  “Okay, call her then,” Raymond laughed. “Do you have something you want to talk about?”

  I dropped the boxes and sat back on the couch. “I just hate her! I hate Mama.”

  “That’s a strong word,” he said as he walked next to me. “You should calm down.”

  “She killed my daddy, and she got away with it,” I sobbed. “And because of her, this is all I do now—is cry.”

  Raymond perked up and sat next to me. He loved hearing people’s problems when they were more terrible than his were. “What do you mean?”

  “She poisoned him. I know she did. I saw her do it!” I cried. “She is an evil woman.”

  “Why would she do that?” Raymond said.

  “Because she didn’t want to pay for his medical bills anymore. He had cancer, and he was in and out of the hospital. One day, she slipped some poison into his drink and he died in his chair. They didn’t do an autopsy on him and assumed he died from cancer.”

  Raymond put his arm around me, and began to whisper. “How do you know it was poison?”

  “I saw it! My old teacher Rebecca was there too. She saw it as well.”

  He sighed. “I have no idea what to say.”

  “My dad died in our home; he was murdered in our home! I cannot go back there. That’s why I spent my life in my room and at school.”

  “Then, stay here, what is so bad about staying here with me?”

  I formed a nervous smiled and pushed his arm from around me. “My dad left half a million dollars for me, for when I would turn eighteen. He knew Mama was going to do something to him because he told me not to give her any money. That is the reason why he keeps bugging me. He wants me to get my cash and leave.”

  “If he had that money, why couldn’t he pay for his medical bills?”

  “Long story short, it was inheritance money for me from my dad’s father. My grandfather told him he would get the first half of his money when he was eighteen and when he marries the rest would go to a wife or child. Unfortunately, my dad spent all his inheritance money before he turned twenty-one. So, we planned to use the money I was getting at eighteen to buy a home. He obviously trusted me more.”

  “Huh?”

  “Put it this way, since my grandpa is dead my dad was in charge of where the remaining money would go to. It was my dad’s choice on whether he wanted my mom to have the money or me. And he chose me.”

  “He didn’t leave her anything?”

  “Nope, just a dollar.”

  “You’re eighteen now, so get the money.”

  “That’s what Rebecca told me but Mama will do anything for me not to get the cash. I don’t want drama between me and her.”

  “Who cares? It’s your money.”

  “You’re right!”

  “I know,” he said as he rubbed my back. “I’m always right. Just get the money and come back home to me.”

  I frowned.