Uncle Josh's Punkin Centre Stories

by Cal Stewart

  It is Fall

  THE days are gettin' shorter, and the summer birds are leaving,

  The wind sighs in the tree tops, as though all nature was grieving;

  The leaves they drop in showers, there's a blue haze over all,

  And a feller is reminded that once again it's Fall.

  It is a glorious season, the crops most gathered in,

  The wheat is in the granary and the oats are in the bin;

  A feller jest feels splendid, right in harmony with all,

  The old cider mill a-humin', 'gosh, I know it's Fall.

  I hear the Bob White whistlin' down by the water mill,

  While dressed in gorgeous colors is each valley, knoll and hill;

  The cows they are a-lowing, as they slowly wander home,

  And the hives are just a-bustin' with the honey in the comb.

  Soon be time for huskin' parties, or an apple paring bee,

  And the signs of peace and plenty are just splendid for to see;

  The flowers they are drooping, soon there won't be none at all,

  Old Jack Frost has nipped them, and by that I know it's Fall.

  The muskrat has built himself a house down by the old mill pond,

  The squirrels are laying up their store from the chestnut trees beyond;

  While walking through the orchard I can hear the ripe fruit fall;

  There's an air of quiet comfort that only comes with Fall.

  The wind is cool and bracing, and it makes you feel first-rate,

  And there's work to keep you going from early until late;

  So you feel like giving praises unto Him who doeth all,

  Nature heaps her blessings on you at this season, and it's Fall.

  The nights are getting frosty and the fire feels pretty good,

  I like to see the flames creep up among the burning wood;

  Away across the hilltops I can hear the hoot owl call,

  He is looking for his supper, I guess he knows its Fall.

  And though the year is getting old and the trees will soon be bare,

  There's a satisfactory feeling of enough and some to spare;

  For there's still some poor and needy who for our help do call,

  So we'll share with them our blessings and be thankful that it's Fall.

  Si Pettingill's Brooms

  WALL, one day jist shortly after sap season wuz over, we wuz all sottin'round Ezra Hoskins's store, talkin' on things in general, when up droveSi Pettingill with a load of brooms. Wall, we all took a long breath,and got ready to see some as tall bargainin' as wuz ever done in PunkinCentre. 'Cause Si, he could see a bargain through a six-inch plank ona dark night, and Ezra could hear a dollar bill rattle in a bag offeathers a mile off, and we all felt mighty sartin suthin' wuz a goin'to happen. Wall, Si, he sort er stood 'round, didn't say much, and Ezragot most uncommonly busy--he had more business than a town marshal oncircus day.

  Wall, after he had sold Aunt Nancy Smith three yards of caliker, andRuben Hendricks a jack-knife, and swapped Jim Lawson a plug of tobackerfer a muskrat hide, he sed: "How's things over your way, Si?" Siremarked: "things wuz 'bout as usual, only the water had bin mostuncommon high, White Fork had busted loose and overflowed everything,Sprosby's mill wuz washed out, and Lige Willits's paster wuz all underwater, which made it purty hard on the cows, and Lige had to strain themilk two or three times to git the minnews out of it. Whitaker's young'uns wuz all havin' measles to onct, and thar wuz a revival goin' onat the Red Top Baptist church, and most every one had got religion, andthings wuz a runnin' 'long 'bout as usual."

  Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Did you git religion, Si?" Si sed: "No, Deacon;I got baptized, but it didn't take--calculated I might as well have itdone while thar wuz plenty of water."

  "Thought I'd cum over today, Ezra; I've got some brooms I'd like to sellye." Ezra sed: "Bring 'em in, Si, spring house cleanin' is comin' on andI'll most likely need right smart of brooms, so jist bring 'em in." Sised: "Wall, Ezra, don't see as thar's any need to crowd the mourners,can't we dicker on it a little bit; I want cash fer these brooms, Ezra,I don't want any store trade fer 'em." Ezra sed: "Wall, I don't know'bout that, Si; seems to me that's a gray hoss of another color, Ialways gin ye store trade fer your eggs, don't I?" Si sed: "Y-a-s--, andthat's a gray hoss of another color; ye never seen a hen lay brooms,did ye? Brooms is sort of article of commerce, Ezra, and I want cash fer'em." Wall, Ezra, he looked 'round the store and thot fer a spell, andthen he sed: "Tell ye what I'll do, Si; I'll gin ye half cash and theother half trade, how'll that be?" Si sed: "Guess that'll be all right,Ezra. Whar will I put the brooms?" Ezra sed: "Put them in the back endof the store, Si, and stack 'em up good; I hadn't got much room, andI've got a lot of things comin' in from Boston and New York." Wall,after Si had the brooms all in, he sed: "Wall, thar they be, five dozenon 'em." Ezra sed: "Sure thar's five dozen?" Si sed: "Yas; counted 'emon the wagon, counted 'em off agin, and counted 'em when I made 'em." SoEzra sed: "Wall, here's your money; now what do you want in trade?"Si looked 'round fer a spell and sed: "I don't know, Ezra; don't seeanything any of our folks pertickerly stand in need on. If it's all thesame to you, Ezra, I'll take BROOMS?"

  Wall, Jim Lawson fell off'n a wash-tub and Ruben Hendricks cut histhumb with his new jack-knife, and Deacon Witherspoon sed: "No, Si, thatbaptizin' didn't take." And Ezra--wall, it wan't his say.

  Suspicion--Consists mainly of thinking what we would do if we wuz in the other feller's place. --Punkin Centre Philosophy.

  Uncle Josh Plays Golf

  WALL, about two weeks ago the boys sed to me, Uncle we'd like to havyou cum out and play a game of golf. Wall, they took me out behind thewoodshed whar mother couldn't see us and them durned boys dressed youruncle up in the dogondest suit of clothes I ever had on in my life. Ihad on a pair of socks that had more different colors in 'em than inJoseph's coat. I looked like a cross atween a monkey and a cirkus rider,and a-goin' across the medder our turkey gobbler took after me and I hadan awful time with that fool bird. I calculate as how I'll git even withhim 'bout Thanksgiving time.

  Wall, the boys took me into the paster, and they had it all dug up intowhat they called a "T," and they had a wheelbarrer full of little Injunwar clubs. They called one a nibbler, and another a brassie, and a lotof other fool names I never heerd afore, and can't remember now. Thenthey brought out a little wooden ball 'bout as big as a hen's egg, andthey stuck it up on a little hunk of mud. Then they told me to take oneof them thar war clubs and stand alongside of the ball and hit it. Wall,I jist peeled off my coat and got a good holt on that war club and Ijist whaled away at that durned little ball, and by gum I missed it, andthe boys all commenced to holler "foozle."

  Wall, I got a little bit riled and I whaled away at it again, and I hitit right whar I missed it the fust time, and I whirled round and sotdown so durned hard I sot four back teeth to akin, and I pawed round inthe air and knocked a lot of it out of place. I hit myself on the shinand on the pet corn at the same time, and them durned boys wuz jista-rollin' round on the ground and a-hollerin' like Injuns. Wall, I begunto git madder 'n a wet hen, and I 'lowed I'd knock that durned littleball way over into the next county. So I rolled up my sleeves and spiton my hands and got a good holt on that war club and I whaled away atthat little ball agin, and by chowder I hit it. I knocked it clar overinto Deacon Witherspoon's paster, and hit his old muley cow, and she gotskeered and run away, jumped the fence and went down the road, and thedurned fool never stopped a-runnin' 'til she went slap dab into EzraHoskins' grocery store, upsot four gallons of apple butter into a keg ofsoft soap, and sot one foot into a tub of mackral, and t'other foot intoa box of winder glass, and knocked over Jim Lawson who wuz sottin' on acracker barrel, and br
oke his durned old wooden leg, and then she wentright out through the winder and skeered Si Pettingill's hosses that wuza standin' thar, and they run away and smashed his wagon into kindlin'wood' and Silas has sued me fer damages, and mother won't speak to me,and Jim he wants me to buy him a new wooden leg, and the neighbors allsay as how I ought to be put away some place fer safe keepin', and AuntNancy Smith got so excited she lost her glass eye and didn't find itfor three or four days, and when she did git it the boys wuz a-playin'marbles with it and it wuz all full of gaps, and Jim Lawson he trimmedit up on the grindstane and it don't fit Nancy any more, and she has tosort of put it in with cotton round it to bold it, and the cotton worksout at the corners and skeers the children and every time I see Nancythat durned eye seems to look at me sort of reproachful like, and allI know about playin' golf is, the feller what knocks the ball so durnedfar you can't find it or whar it does the most damage, wins the game.

  Jim Lawson's Hogs

  WHEN it cum to raisin' hogs, I don't s'pose thar wuz ever enybody inPunkin Centre that had quite so much trouble as Jim Lawson. One fall Jimhad a right likely bunch of shoats, but somehow or other he couldn't git'em fat, it jist seemed like the more he fed 'em the poorer they got,and Jim he wuz jist about worried clar down to a shadder. He kept givin'them hogs medecin' and feedin' of 'em everything he could think on, butit wan't no use; every day or so one of 'em would lay down and die. Allthe neighbors would cum and lean over the fence, and talk to Jim, andgive him advice, but somehow them hogs jist kept on a-dyin', and nobodycould see what wuz alin' of 'em, 'til one day Jim cum over to EzraHoskins's store, and he looked as tickled as though he'd found a dollar,and he sed: "I want you all to cum over to my place; I've found outwhat's alin' them hogs." Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Wall, what is it,Jim?" and Jim sed: "Wall, you see the ground over in my hog lot is purtysoft, and when it rains it gits right smart muddy, and the mud gits onthem hogs' tails, and that mud it gits more mud, and finally they gitso much mud on their tails that it draws their skin so tight that theycan't shet their eyes, and them hogs air jist a-dyin' fer the want ofsleep."

  Wall, the followin' winter Jim had his hogs all fat and ready fermarkit, and he jist conclooded he'd drive 'em to Concord. Wall, hestarted out, and when he'd drov 'em two whole days he met old JabezWhitaker. Jabe sed: "Whar you goin' with your hogs, Jim?" Jim sed:"Goin' to Concord, Jabez." Jabez sed "Wall, now, I want to know. That'swhat cums from not readin' the papers. Why, Jim, they've got more hogsup Concord way than they know what to do with. Lige Willit took his hogsup thar, and Eben Sprosby took his'n, and Concord's jist chuck full ofhogs, and so consequintly the markit's away down in Concord. But thepaper sez it's good in Manchester, and you'd make money, Jim, by goin'thar." So Jim shifted his chew of terbacker over to the northeast, andsed: "Wall, boys, I calculate we'll hav to go to Manchester, so jisthead the hogs off and turn them round." Wall, they druv them hogs 'boutthree days towards Manchester, and jist 'bout when they wuz gittin'thar, along cum Caleb Skinner, and he sed: "Wall, thunder andfish-hooks, whar be you a-goin', Jim." And Jim sed: "As near as he couldfigure it out from his present bearin's, he wuz most likely goin' toManchester." And Caleb sed: "What fer?" Jim sed: "Didn't know exactlywhat all he wuz goin' fer, but if he ever got thar, he'd most likelysell his hogs." And Caleb sed: "Wall, your goin' to the wrong town.Manchester has got a quarantine agin' any more hogs comin' in, 'cos whathogs they is thar has all got colery, and you'd better go to Concord.Besides the paper says markit is purty well up in Concord." Wall, Jimsed a good many things that wouldn't sound good at a prayer meetin',and then he sed: "Wall, boys, gess we'll start back fer Concord, soturn round." Wall, they went along 'bout two days, and them poor hogscouldn't stand it no longer 'cos they wuz jist clean tuckered out, soJim had to sell 'em to Josiah Martin fer what he could git, 'cos it wuzjist right at Josiah's place whar the hogs gin out, and thar wan't noway of moovin' them from thar fer some time to cum.

  Wall, along 'bout two weeks after that we wuz all over to Ezra Hoskins'sstore, and some one sed: "Jim, you didn't do very well with your hogsthis year, did you?" And Jim sed: "Oh, I don't know; that's jist owin'to how you look at it. I never caught up to that blamed markit, but Ihad the society of the hogs fer two weeks."

  Uncle Josh and the Lightning Rod Agent

  WALL I s'pose I git buncode offener than any feller what ever lived inPunkin Centre. A short time ago we wanted to build a new town hall, andcalculated we'd have a brick building; and some one sed, "Wall now, ifyou'll jist wait 'til Josh Weathersby makes another trip or two down toNew York thar'll be gold bricks enuff a-layin' 'round Punkin Centre tobuild a new town hall."

  Wall, one day last summer I wuz a sottin' out on my back porch, whenalong cum one of them thar lightning rod agents. Wall, he jist cum rightup and commenced a-talkin' at me jist as if he'd bin the town marshalor a tax assessor, or like he'd known me all his life. He sed, "My dearsir, I am astonished at you. I've looked over your entire premises andI find you haven't got a lightning rod on any buildin' that you possess.Why, my dear sir, don't you know you are flyin' right in the face ofProvidence? Don't you know that lightning may strike at any time anddemolish everything within the sound of my voice? Don't you know you arecriminally negligent? Why, my dear sir, I am astonished to think that aman of your jedgment and good common sense should allow yourself to----"Wall, about that time I'd got my breath and wits at the same time, and Ised, "Now hold on, gosh durn ye, what hav ye got to sell anyhow?" Wall,he told me he had some lightnin' rods, and he brought out a littlemasheen and told me to take hold of the handles and he'd show me what apowerful thing 'lectricity wuz. Wall, I took hold of them handles and heturned on a crank, and that durned masheen jist made me dance all overthe porch, and it wouldn't let go. Gee whiz, I felt as though I'd fellin a yeller jacket's nest, and about four thousand of 'em wuz a stingin'me all to onct. Wall, I told him I guessed he could put up a lightningrod or two, seein' as how I didn't hav any. Wall, he went to work andI went over to Ezra Hoskins', and when I got back home my place wuz asight to behold; it looked like a harrer turned upside down. Thar wuzseven lightning rods on the barn, one on the hen house, one on the corncrib, one on the smoke house, two on the granery, three on the kitchen,six on my house, and one on the crab apple tree, and when I got tharthat durned fool had the old muley cow cornered up a-tryin' to put alightnin' rod on her. Wall, I paid him fer what he had done, and thankedthe Lord he hadn't done any more. Wall, he got me to sine a paperwhat sed he had done a good job, and he sed he had to show that to thecompany.

  Wall, about a week after that we had a thunder storm, and I think thelightnin' struck everything on the place except the spring wagon and oldmuley cow, and they didn't have any lightnin' rod on 'em. Wall I thoughtI wuz a-gittin' off mighty lucky til next day, when along cum a fellerwith that paper what I had sined, and durned if it wan't a note fer sixhundred dollars, and by gosh if I didn't hav to pay it!

  Buncode agin, by chowder!

  Energy--There is a lot of energy in this life that wasted. I notis that the man who has a good strong pipe most usually rides in front.--Punkin Centre Philosophy.

  A Meeting of the Annanias Club

  WALL, sometimes a lot of us old codgers used to git down to EzraHoskins' grossery store and we'd sot 'round and chaw terbacker andwhittle sticks and eat crackers and cheese and proons and anything Ezrahappened to have layin' 'round loos, and then we'd git to spinnin' yarnsthat would jist about put Annanias and Safiry right out of businessif they wuz here now. Wall, one afternoon we wuz all settin' 'roundspinnin' yarns when Deacon Witherspoon sed that eckos wuz mightypeculiar things, cos down whar he wuz born and raised thar wuz a passellof hills cum together and you couldn't git out thar and talk louder 'na whisper on account of the ecko. But one day a summer boarder what wuzthar remarked as how he wasn't afraid to talk right out in meetin' infront of any old lot of hills what wuz ever created; so he went out andhollered jist as loud as he could holler, and he started a ecko a-goin'and it flew up agin one hill and
bounced off onto another one andgittin' bigger and louder all the time 'til it got back whar it startedfrom and hit a stone quarry and knocked off a piece of stone and hitthat feller in the head, and he didn't cum too fer over three hours.Wall, we thought that wuz purty good fer a Deacon. Wall, none of us sedanything fer a right smart spell and then Si Pettingill remarked "hedidn't know anything about eckos, but he calculated he'd seen somemighty peculiar things; sed he guessed he'd seen it rain 'bout as hardas anybody ever seen it rain." Someone sed, "Wall, Si, how hard did youever see it rain?" and he sed, "Wall one day last summer down our way itgot to rainin' and it rained so hard that the drops jist rubbed togethercomin' down, which made them so allfired hot that they turned intosteam; why, it rained so gosh dinged hard, thar wuz a cider bar'l layin'out in the yard that had both heads out'n it and the bung hole up; wall,it rained so hard into that bung hole that the water couldn't run out ofboth ends of the bar'l fast enough, and it swelled up and busted." Wall,we all took a fresh chew of terbacker and nudged each other; and EzraHoskins sed he didn't remember as how he'd ever seen it rain quite sohard as that, but he'd seen some mighty dry weather; he sed one timewhen he wuz out in Kansas it got so tarnation dry that fish a-swimmin'up the river left a cloud of dust behind them. And hot, too; why, it gotso allfired hot that one day he tied his mule to a pen of popcorn outbehind the barn, and it got so hot that the corn got to poppin' andflyin' 'round that old mule's ears and he thought it wuz snow and laiddown and froze to death. Wall, about that time old Jim Lawson commencedto show signs of uneasiness, and someone sed, "What is it, Jim?" andJim remarked, as he shifted his terbacker and cut a sliver off from hiswooden leg, "I wuz a-thinkin' about a cold spell we had one winterwhen we wuz a-livin' down Nantucket way. It wuz hog killin' time, if Iremember right; anyhow, we had a kittle of bilin' water sottin' on thefire, and we sot it out doors to cool off a little, and that water frozeso durned quick that the ice wuz hot."