by Amy Clipston
“What about you?” he said after she’d swallowed. “Tell me more about your mammi, the one you told me taught you how to bake.”
“She passed away five years ago. She was mei dat’s mamm. I used to bake with her at least once a week, and we had the most amazing talks. She told me about what life was like when she grew up, and she shared her favorite recipes with me.”
“What was your favorite thing to make with her?”
“Oh, her carrot kuche with cream cheese icing. It’s fabulous.” She put her hand to her chest. “I’ll have to make one for you.”
Jeff grinned. “I’d love that. Tell me more about her.”
They spent the rest of their lunchtime sharing stories about their grandparents. Jeff was glad it was another gorgeous June day so they could eat outside. The sun was warm and cheery, and the birds serenaded them from the trees lining the parking lot.
When they arrived back at their booths, Christiana gave him another stunning smile. “Danki for joining me today.”
“I’m glad you invited me. Let’s do it again tomorrow, but I’ll bring lunch this time.”
“I’d like that.”
As she walked away, Jeff felt a stirring in his chest. But he steeled himself against it. He could be only a friend to Christiana. Not that she wanted anything more, but with his history of failure, he was too afraid that even a hint of romantic entanglement would turn out badly.
* * *
Christiana hummed to herself as she packed up her supplies the next day. She’d sold most of her baked goods, and she’d enjoyed another lunchtime with Jeff.
Today he’d brought two big helpings of his mother’s tuna casserole, which had been both delicious and filling. She’d brought snickerdoodle cookies to share, and they spent most of their time talking about their favorite childhood memories.
When they shifted to more recent events, Jeff still seemed to be holding back. He was hiding something, something important, but she couldn’t seem to find the key to unlock his trust.
She wasn’t going to give up, though. After all, she was stubborn to her core. She was determined to find out what caused the underlying sadness she saw in Jeff’s dark eyes.
After her packing was finished, she pushed the two baker’s racks over to Jeff’s next door. She noticed a young Amish couple who looked to be in their late twenties standing just inside Sara Ann’s booth. They were facing her. The man was average-looking with dark-brown hair and a matching beard, but the woman, petite with blond hair and light-colored eyes, was quite beautiful. She held a quilt while Sara Ann fawned over it, running her fingers over the stitching and praising her own work.
Christiana smiled to herself as she turned away. Sara Ann seemed to enjoy garnering attention, and she’d go to great lengths for it.
Dismissing her thoughts of Simply Sara Ann, Christiana parked her racks at the entrance to Jeff’s booth and then stepped inside.
“Hi, Jeff.” She waved at him as he made his way toward her from the back of the booth. “I just wanted to tell you to have a nice Sunday tomorrow and a gut week. I look forward to eating lunch with you again . . .”
Jeff’s attention wasn’t focused on her. His dark eyes were cool, and his face clouded with a deep frown as he glared at something behind her, his hands fisted at his sides.
“Jeff?” she asked, but he kept staring. “Jeff? Are you okay?”
She craned her neck to see what had captured Jeff’s attention, but all she saw was Sara Ann still talking with the couple.
Her mind whirled. Jeff had been bright and sunny at lunch, so his change in demeanor caught Christiana by surprise. Had Sara Ann done something to upset him?
“Jeff?” she asked again, her tone measured and soft. “Are you all right?”
His eyes cut to hers, but his expression remained stony.
“Was iss letz?” she asked. “You’re scaring me.”
“You should go.” His voice was raspy.
She opened her mouth, but then she closed it as she felt her heart begin to crack.
“Go,” he repeated. “I can’t talk to you now.”
Before she could respond, he pivoted and walked toward the back of his booth.
Christiana’s eyes burned as he walked away from her, leaving without an explanation. Maybe she’d done something to upset him, but when? Had she said something at lunch that made him angry once he thought it over?
She fought back tears. Why did his strange behavior, popping up again, cut her to the bone?
Because I care about him. He’s become important to me.
But she didn’t want to care about him. Why had she allowed her heart to cross the line? Now she had to suffer the consequences. Perhaps she’d been right about him before. He was too prone to being moody and rude. Why had she let herself become attached?
Peering at him as he stood at his worktable with his back to her, she waited a few beats, hoping he’d turn around, apologize, and explain his odd behavior. But when he didn’t, Christiana returned to her baker’s racks. No, she didn’t want to care about him, but she couldn’t seem to help it.
As she made her way to the parking lot, she sent up a silent prayer.
Lord, please heal Jeff’s heart toward me and help us find a way for our friendship to work. If it’s not your will, then please help me mend my heart. Jeff has found a way to break it.
* * *
“I thought I might find you out here.”
Jeff looked up from the worktable as Dat stepped into the shop in Jeff’s barn that evening. “Hi, Dat.”
“Have you eaten?” Dat sat down on an empty stool beside him.
“No, but I’m not very hungry.”
“Your mamm thought you’d join us for supper tonight. She made country fried steak especially for you since you enjoy it so much. There’s plenty left if you change your mind.”
Jeff nodded as guilt, his constant companion since he’d left the market, swelled, twisting his insides. “Danki, but I don’t think I’ll eat tonight.”
Dat studied him, and Jeff fidgeted under his stare. “Tell me what’s wrong, sohn.”
Jeff cleared his throat and stared down at the piece of leather he’d been cutting. “I saw her today.”
“Who?” Dat leaned close to him.
“Ella.” Jeff’s voice quavered as renewed heaviness filled his chest. “Ella and her husband were in the market. When I saw her, I lost it, just like I did one day when I saw them at the hardware store. All the anger and hurt came back like a raging river. I couldn’t handle it, Dat. They were at the booth right across from mine.” He paused. “Worse, I took it out on Christiana.”
He met his father’s warm gaze as his always-present ache turned to grief. “I’m sure I hurt her. She came to my booth to talk to me, and then I saw Ella behind her. I just froze. I couldn’t function.” The memory of the pain in Christiana’s eyes sliced through him like a knife to his soul. How could he have hurt such a sweet, wonderful friend? She’d never forgive him this time.
“Did you tell her why you were upset?”
“No.” Jeff worked to clear his thickened throat. “She asked me what was wrong and if I was all right, but I couldn’t speak. When I found my voice again, I was too upset to talk, so I asked her to leave.” He closed his eyes as the truth poured out of him. “No, I told her to leave. I was too embarrassed to tell her about Ella. How could Christiana have any respect for me if she knew my fiancée dumped me?” The words were painful to admit aloud, even to his father.
Dat clicked his tongue. “Don’t be gegisch, sohn. If Christiana is truly your freind, she won’t blame you for Ella’s decision. You built Ella a beautiful haus and prepared yourself to marry her. She’s the one who left. You did nothing wrong.”
Jeff squeezed the bridge of his nose. If only the past was as easy to accept as his father thought it was. His parents, Nick, Lewis—they all seemed to be on the same page.
“Why don’t you go apologize to her?” Dat said. “Do you k
now where she lives?”
“No, I don’t.” Jeff rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. “Why would she forgive me? This is the second time I’ve hurt her. The first time I rudely complained about her line of customers, and this time I was rude to her without any explanation. Why would she even trust me again? I’m obviously not stable.”
“You’re too hard on yourself, Jeffrey.” Dat’s expression warmed. “You just had a bad day.”
“But I have a bad day every time I see Ella.”
“Give yourself time.”
“I’ve had more than a year, but I’m still a mess, Dat. I don’t know how to deal with it. You’d think I’d be over it by now, but I’m not. And now I probably ruined any chance to have a meaningful friendship with Christiana.”
“You’re not a mess, Jeffrey.” Dat gripped Jeff’s shoulder and gave it a little tug. “You’re just still hurt.”
“I know. How do I get over it? I don’t know how to move on.”
“Have you tried praying about it?”
Jeff nodded. “Many times.”
“Keep trying. Ask God to heal your heart.”
“And what should I do about Christiana?”
“Tell her why you behaved that way and explain that you never meant to take it out on her. Tell her how much her friendship means to you and that you’d like to try again.” Dat grabbed his shoulder again and gave him a gentle shake. “Tell her she’s important to you and that you want to work on your friendship.”
“Right.” Jeff nodded as if his father’s advice would be simple to take. “I’ll do that.”
“Gut.” Dat stood. “How about you come and have some of your mamm’s country fried steak? I know it would make her froh to see you enjoying it.”
“I’ll be there soon. Let me just finish cutting out this leather piece for a wallet I’m making.”
Dat paused and then nodded. “Fine. Don’t take too long, though.”
“I won’t. I promise.” Jeff waited for Dat to disappear from his shop, and then he covered his face with his hands. He was broken, and he needed the Great Healer to help him. Closing his eyes, he opened his heart in prayer.
“God,” he whispered, “I need help. No matter what Dat says, I am a mess. I can’t see Ella without completely breaking apart, especially when she’s with her husband. I’ve been building a special friendship with Christiana, but I’m certain I ruined it today. If it’s your will, please help me repair my friendship with her and figure out how to be strong around Ella. Guide me to where I’m supposed to be.”
Jeff opened his eyes, swiped his hand down his face, and then stood.
As he strolled toward his parents’ house, he wondered if Christiana would give him another chance.
Did he even deserve another chance after the way he’d behaved?
13
“How are things with Jeff?” Leanna asked Christiana on Tuesday as the four cousins began to assemble sandwiches at Bethany’s parents’ house. “You’ve been eating together at the market, right?”
“Ya.” Christiana lifted two slices of bread from the plate in the center of the table. How she loved these cousin lunches when the four of them got together away from their businesses and even away from the rest of their families. Bethany had suggested this one, perhaps sensing that Christiana could use some extra time in their company.
“Tell us more,” Bethany said, prodding from across the table. “I don’t suppose he’s talked to your dat about dating you yet?”
“No, he hasn’t. He wouldn’t. We’ve just been freinden.” Christiana sensed Salina watching her as she shook her head and selected a few pieces of roast beef from another plate.
“Did something happen?” Salina’s tone was serious.
“Ya, you could say that.” Christiana set the pile of lunch meat on one slice of bread.
“What happened?” Salina touched her arm.
“He changed on Saturday.” Christiana shrugged as if Jeff’s behavior hadn’t moved her to tears during the short ride back to her house Saturday or caused her to cry herself to sleep.
“What do you mean by changed?” Bethany’s sunny smile faltered.
Christiana shared her story, and then she took a bite of her sandwich and awaited her cousins’ assessment of the situation.
“He was staring at Simply Sara Ann?” Leanna scrunched her nose as she looked at Bethany. “Why would he look at her like that?”
“Maybe she said something that made him angry?” Bethany shrugged and then scooped a pile of macaroni salad onto her plate.
“I don’t know.”
“He wouldn’t answer you when you spoke to him?” Salina asked.
Christiana shook her head as she swallowed another bite of her sandwich. “Not until he told me to leave.”
“I think it had to do with Sara Ann and not you.” Salina held up a finger. “Maybe something is going on between them, and I think you should ask him what it is.”
“You do need to talk to him,” Leanna said, agreeing. “You two were getting close, so I doubt it had anything to do with you.”
“That might be true, but he took it out on me.” Christiana heard her voice wobble. “Even if it wasn’t my fault, he still hurt me again.”
“What are you saying?” Bethany’s expression was full of concern.
Christiana picked up her cup of water. “I’m saying I don’t think I want to deal with his mood swings and temper. No matter how much he means to me, I don’t appreciate never knowing where I stand with him.” A knot of disappointment and hurt expanded in her throat, and she tried swallowing water past it.
“You care about him.” Salina rubbed her back. “I’m so sorry he hurt you again.”
“I’m fine.” Christiana tried to smile, but she failed. “I’ve been praying for him, and I hope he finds happiness, but I just can’t help him anymore. I can’t let him hurt me. My heart can’t take it.”
Salina looped her arm around Christiana’s shoulders. “You have us.”
“That’s right.” Bethany squeezed Christiana’s one hand while Leanna took the other.
“Always,” Leanna said.
Christiana’s eyes filled with tears as she smiled at her cousins. What would she do without their love and support? She never wanted to find out.
* * *
As she walked to her father’s buggy later that afternoon, Christiana heard a horse pull up behind her and someone calling her name. She turned.
“Christiana!” Reuben Esh hopped out and jogged to her. “I saw you from the road!”
“Hi, Reuben.” She smiled at her old friend from school. “How are you?”
“I’m fine.” He worked to catch his breath. “I’m really out of shape since I sit in a store all day. Even a short jog isn’t a gut idea.” He chuckled and flashed a warm smile.
Christiana recalled that before his family moved to another district, Reuben had been one of the nicest boys in her school. They were the same age, and he’d always gone out of his way to be kind to her, whether they were in the one-room schoolhouse or playing outside.
“I heard you opened a bakery booth at the Bird-in-Hand marketplace,” he said.
“Ya, that’s true.”
“My three-month anniversary with my girlfriend is coming up next weekend, and I thought I might get her something sweet as a gift.” He rubbed his hands together. “I also heard you make the best peanut butter pie in the county.”
“Danki.” Christiana shrugged. “I’m not sure if it’s the best in the county, but I can save you one. Why don’t you come by on Thursday? I’ll have one ready for you.”
“Great!” Reuben grinned. “I’ll see you then.”
Christiana reached into her pocket and touched the key chain Jeff had given her. What would she say to Jeff when she saw him at the market?
* * *
“Lewis.” Jeff stepped out of his barn to see his best friend Wednesday evening. “What brings you out this way?”
The mid-Ju
ne sunset filled the sky with vivid hues of orange and yellow above him, and the air was heavy with summer humidity. The cicadas sang their happy song as fireflies began their nightly dance through the skies.
“Mei mamm asked me to drop off a quilt for your mamm, so I thought I’d see how you’re doing. Your dat said you were in your workshop.”
“Why don’t we sit and catch up?” Jeff gestured toward his back porch. “How’s Renae?”
“She’s gut.” Lewis’s smile was more like a grin. “She’s really gut, actually. I’m thinking about asking her father if I can marry her.”
“Really?” Jeff stopped and turned toward Lewis, who nodded. “Wow. That’s great, but isn’t it a little . . . soon?”
“I don’t think so.” Lewis shook his head. “I think when you know, you just know, no matter how long it’s been. My parents dated for only a couple of months before mei dat proposed, and they’re still happily married. Sure, they have their disagreements at times, but their relationship is still going strong.”
Jeff shook his head as they continued toward the porch. Even though Lewis had previously indicated Renae might be the one, he still wrestled with his best friend getting married so soon—or at all. “Wow. I never expected you to decide to get married this quickly.”
“Why not?” Lewis gestured widely. “We’re not getting any younger. Besides, I’m ready to settle down and start a family. Aren’t you?” He sank into a rocking chair.
“I don’t know. I thought I was last year.” Jeff sat down beside him as he recalled the scene at the market with Ella. “But apparently it wasn’t in God’s time.”
Lewis’s smile flattened. “Stop thinking about Ella. I keep telling you, it’s time to pick yourself up and move on.” He pointed behind him. “You have a lot to offer a maedel. You have this haus, this farm, and your business at the market. Don’t let Ella’s decision color the rest of your life.”
Jeff snorted. “It’s so easy for you to say that.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you have no idea what it feels like to be dumped,” Jeff snapped, and Lewis’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to raise my voice.”