by Amy Clipston
“What’s going on with you?” Lewis’s expression held concern.
Jeff blew out a sigh. “I saw Ella at the market on Saturday. It took me by surprise. She was with her husband.”
“What happened?”
Jeff told him. “And when I froze, I couldn’t speak. All the anger and hurt came back again, and I felt like I was drowning. And then I hurt Christiana’s feelings. I know I did. She looked at me as if I’d punched her.”
“What did you say to her?”
“I told her to leave.” Jeff stared out toward his parents’ house. “I’ve hurt her feelings more than once now, so she’s probably given up on me. I’ve ruined any chance I had with her.” Guilt whipped through him, hard and fast, stealing his breath for a moment.
“Whoa.” Lewis held up his hand. “What do you mean you ruined any chance you had with her? Did you ask her to date you?”
“No.” Jeff shook his head. “I think we should just be freinden. But we’d been getting to know each other. We had lunch together each day last week, and we talked a lot.”
“You say you just want to be freinden, but I get the feeling you really like this maedel.”
Jeff nodded and took a big breath. “Ya, I do, but now I don’t think—”
“Jeff, this is huge.” Lewis angled his body toward him. “You’ve been moping around for more than a year, pining over Ella.”
“I don’t pine. Ya, I’ve been hurt, but I don’t mope either.”
“Ya, you do. Now let me finish. You’ve finally found someone you care for. Maybe Christiana is the one God sent to heal your heart. And maybe to build a future with.”
Jeff shook his head. “I don’t think so.”
“Why not?”
“Because I keep hurting her. I keep messing up.” Jeff forced himself to speak past the heavy feeling that felt like a sinking rock in his soul. “I lost my temper with her when her customers were blocking my booth, and then I lost it on Saturday when I saw Ella and took it out on her. I have such a tough time controlling my emotions, and I keep saying the wrong thing to her. How can I be in any position to date her? Why would she even want to date me?” He jammed a finger in his chest. “I can’t see my ex without completely snapping.”
“You’ll get through this. God will carry you through. Pray for his help and guidance.”
“I have. But I still feel as guilty and broken as I did on Saturday.”
“You need to talk to Christiana,” Lewis said. “Tell her the truth. Explain what Ella did to you and how you’re still struggling to get over it. If she’s the person you think she is, she’ll forgive you. She’ll understand.”
“I don’t know. Dat told me I should tell her about Ella, too, but I don’t think I can bring myself to tell her the whole story.” He looked straight into his best friend’s eyes. “Lewis, Ella didn’t just leave me. She left me on our wedding day. What will Christiana think? Even more, why would she want to date a loser who can’t control his temper?” Jeff fell back into his chair. “I’ve blown it.”
That day flashed into his mind. How could Ella have done that to him? How? But he didn’t want to think about her now. He wanted to repair his relationship with Christiana, and he shoved those wedding day memories away.
“Jeff, let her decide whether you’ve blown it. And have faith that she’ll forgive you. We’re taught to forgive, so give her a chance to show you that she still believes in your friendship.”
Jeff rubbed at a tense muscle in his shoulder as he considered Lewis’s words. He longed to believe Christiana would give him another chance, but how would he find the right words to apologize? He’d never really found them the first time he hurt her. She’d just known he was trying to say he was sorry. And how would he explain what Ella had done to him without falling apart?
He would pray about it. Only God could grant him the courage and the right things to say.
* * *
The muscles in Christiana’s shoulders tightened when Jeff walked into the Coffee Corner the next morning. She gripped her coffee cup as she sat with her cousins at their usual high-top table. Her eyes locked with his, and her stomach tied itself into a knot.
“Gude mariye,” Bethany sang out as she hopped down from her stool and walked over to Jeff. “How’s your morning so far?”
“Fine.” Jeff broke his gaze with Christiana and followed Bethany to the counter. “What’s your special flavor today?”
“Irish cream.” Bethany’s voice remained perky. “Would you like a cup?”
“Ya, please.” Jeff pulled out his wallet.
“Are you going to talk to him?” Salina’s voice was soft beside Christiana.
“I don’t even know what to say.” As Christiana studied Jeff’s back, all kinds of emotions rushed through her—disappointment, anger, resentment, rejection. How could a man she barely knew affect her so deeply? “He owes me an explanation for the way he treated me, but I doubt I’ll get one.”
“Maybe you should give him some grace,” Leanna said. “I still doubt he was upset about something you did. You’ve been nothing but a freind to him.”
“Maybe he needs you more than you know,” Salina said, chiming in.
“Why is everyone taking his side?” Christiana said.
Salina held up both hands. “Hold on. I’m not taking his side. I just remember what you said about him seeming so bedauerlich.” She hesitated for a moment. “I love you, Christiana, but sometimes you jump to conclusions without getting the whole story.”
Leanna nodded. “That’s true. I remember you being angry with Bethany for a week because you thought she’d taken your favorite doll. You were about nine. Then you found it in your dat’s workshop, right where you’d left it.”
Christiana blinked and her shoulders slumped. “That is true.”
“I remember that too,” Salina said. “Maybe Jeff is dealing with something difficult and you can be a blessing to him instead of making assumptions about his behavior.”
Christiana sipped her coffee. Had God brought her into Jeff’s life to help him? Was that what Salina was trying to tell her might be the case?
But if that were true, why did Jeff keep rejecting her?
* * *
Jeff handed a customer her change and then her purchases later that morning. “Thank you for coming in today. I hope your grandchildren enjoy their personalized clothing hooks.”
“Oh, they will.” The woman ran her hands over her bag. “When I was younger, every item with my name on it was always sold out.”
“Really?” Jeff asked. “What is your name?”
“Jennifer.” The woman sighed. “I clearly remember trying to find a toothbrush with my name on it, but the store had sold out of them. I had to buy a kit with stickers and put the letters on a toothbrush myself. Of course, once the letters got wet, they never stuck right again.” She chuckled and pointed to her bag. “That’s one reason I enjoy buying personalized items for my grandchildren. I want them to have something special with their name on it.”
He grinned. “That’s nice.”
The woman glanced down at the counter and picked up one of his sample wallets. “My goodness. Is this a personalized wallet?”
“Yes, it is.”
“What a fantastic gift.” She tapped her chin. “These would be wonderful birthday gifts for my sons in a couple of months. Could I order some for next week?”
“Of course.” Jeff pulled out a notepad. “What would you like the initials to be?” He wrote down her instructions, and then she paid a deposit for the wallets. “I’ll have those ready for you.”
“Perfect.”
“I’m glad you came in, and I hope you enjoy the rest of your day.”
“I sure will.” The woman smiled and then left.
Jeff followed her to the booth entrance and turned toward the Bake Shop. His pulse kicked up as he remembered his brief encounter with Christiana in the Coffee Corner this morning. He’d wanted to apologize, or at least ask her
if they could talk later, but he lost his nerve.
You’re a coward.
Jeff gritted his teeth. Yes, he was a coward. He needed to talk to her and explain why he’d been so cold last week. He needed to be honest with her and ask for her forgiveness. But he was afraid she’d reject him.
He closed his eyes and gathered any courage he could find deep inside of himself. Then he took a trembling breath and walked over to her booth. He stopped dead in his tracks when he found her talking to an Amish man who looked to be around her age.
Jeff’s eyes widened as he witnessed Christiana smiling and laughing with the man as he picked out a pie. The man said something to her, and she giggled and then handed him another pie.
Their interaction seemed familiar, as if they knew each other well. Christiana’s smile and laugh were warm and comfortable.
She liked this man. She trusted him. She liked him.
Jeff meant nothing to her. She had forgotten about him. She’d moved on.
The contents of his stomach seemed to curdle as something like a sense of betrayal snaked around his insides. Christiana and the man walked to her counter together, their conversation continuing as he paid for his purchase. Then she gave him a sweet smile and a little wave as he backed away.
When the man turned and reached Jeff, he gave him a pleasant smile. “Gude mariye.”
Jeff mumbled a response before the man walked away.
“Jeff.” Christiana’s smile faded as she walked toward him. “What are you doing here?”
He opened his mouth to speak, but then he turned without a word and walked toward his booth.
“Wait.” She started after him. “Wait a minute!”
But Jeff kept going and headed to his workbench.
“You are unbelievable!” She’d followed him. He turned to see her eyes narrowed and her finger pointing. “You have the nerve to be rude to me last week and then walk away from me today? I can’t be freinden with someone who treats me like this. I’ve tried, Jeff, but I can’t do it anymore.” Her voice was thick. “I’m done.” Then she turned on her heel.
Had Christiana just walked right out of his life? Good. He didn’t need to let another woman in only to have her choose someone else.
14
Jeff carried a lantern as he stepped out of his barn later that night and trudged to the pasture fence. Fireflies flittered around him like floating confetti, mocking his foul mood.
He set the lantern at his feet and then leaned forward on the fence. He looked up at the bright stars twinkling above him and heaved a deep sigh as anger and disappointment threatened to tear him into a million pieces.
“Did you talk to Christiana today?” Dat came up beside Jeff and set his own lantern on the ground beside Jeff’s.
“Not the way you mean.”
“I can tell by the look on your face that something happened,” Dat said. “Talk to me, sohn.”
Jeff kept his eyes focused on the sky. “I found her flirting with another man. She might not have lied when she said she didn’t have a boyfriend, but from what I saw today, she knows someone she’d like to be her boyfriend.”
“Are you sure?” Dat asked.
“What does it matter? I’ve been used again, just like Ella did.” He gritted his teeth as his body vibrated with anger and humiliation.
“Wait a minute.” Dat turned toward him. “Did you ask her anything about that man?”
Jeff blinked. His anger seemed to slip away, but he was still frustrated. “No.”
“So how do you know you’re not misinterpreting what you saw?”
Jeff pointed to the ground as his frustration boiled over. “I know what flirting looks like. And why wouldn’t she flirt with him? She could have any man she wanted. She’s schee, funny, and schmaert. She’s also a gut listener and a kind person. She’s special, more special than any maedel I’ve met. That man would be a moron if he didn’t like her. And because I was rude to her when I saw Ella, she’s done with me. She told me so.”
Dat tilted his head as his expression seemed to warm. “You’re not truly worried that she might like someone else. You’re worried that you’re not gut enough for her. Ella made you feel like you’re not worthy of finding someone to love you.”
Jeff opened and closed his mouth as his thoughts spun.
“I never told you the story of what happened before I met your mamm.” Dat leaned forward on the fence and looked out toward the dark pasture. “I’d been dating a maedel for four years. Her name was Rosemary. We grew up together and then went to youth group together. I thought she was the love of my life. I planned to marry her and then move her here since my parents said they would give me their haus and move into the daadihaus on mei bruder’s farm.”
“What happened?” Jeff turned toward his father.
“I asked her dat’s permission to propose, and he said ya. So I took her out on a picnic and asked her to marry me.” He paused. “And to my surprise, she said no.”
“Why?”
Dat pressed his lips together and rested his chin on his palm. “She said she cared about me but didn’t love me enough to marry me. She said she would always remember me fondly, but she didn’t want to be mei fraa.”
Jeff shook his head. “I’m so sorry she hurt you like that, Dat.”
“I survived it. I was down for a long time, and I lost confidence in myself. I think that’s what you’re feeling—not just hurt but a lack of confidence. And it’s hard for you to trust another woman.”
Jeff swallowed and then nodded.
Dat smiled. “But it all turned out the way God intended. I met your mamm about six months later. I was scared to trust her, but she helped me realize that Rosemary wasn’t God’s plan for me. She showed me what it was like to love someone who loved me in return.” He touched Jeff’s arm. “You need to allow yourself to trust someone new.”
Jeff felt as if his head were spinning. “I had no idea you went through this. Why didn’t you tell me when Ella left?”
“I didn’t want to deflect from what you were going through. I thought bringing up my heartache would sound as if I wasn’t supporting you. I didn’t want to make it about me when you needed my sympathy. I’m sorry.”
Jeff spun and leaned back against the fence. “You were wrong, Dat. What you just told me has done the opposite. I feel a little better knowing you understand how I feel.”
“I do understand, but I can’t stand to see you so bedauerlich. You need to let your heart heal and trust again. You need to tell Christiana how you feel and what happened with Ella.”
Jeff looked down at the ground and kicked a stone with the toe of his boot. “Sometimes I feel like I can’t express myself well. I tend to say the wrong thing and drive people away. That was true even before I was with Ella.”
“Be honest with Christiana about that, too, and see where the conversation leads. That’s what you need to do first. Give yourself a chance to really get to know her before you decide she’s not who you thought she was.” Dat patted his shoulder. “You’re worthy of love, sohn. God loves you. He’ll send you the perfect mate.” He picked up his lantern and started toward the house. “Gut nacht. Get some rest.”
Jeff looked out at the pasture as his father’s words soaked through him. Could he trust again? Could he find the right words to tell Christiana not just about his past but about his feelings for her?
He didn’t know the answer, but he yearned to find out.
* * *
“So I told him I can’t be freinden with someone who treats me that way,” Christiana told her cousins at the Coffee Corner the next morning. She took a long drink of Bethany’s mint mocha as if the hot liquid would solve the mystery of Jeff Stoltzfus.
“He glared at you when you were selling Reuben a pie.” Salina said the words slowly as if analyzing their meaning.
“Well, I wasn’t looking then, but he certainly glared at me after Reuben left,” Christiana said.
“Maybe he was jealous of R
euben?” Bethany offered her theory with a shrug of her slight shoulders.
“I was wondering the exact same thing,” Salina said.
“Why would Jeff be jealous of Reuben?” Christiana asked. “Jeff has never indicated that he likes me that way. Also, I told him I don’t have a boyfriend.”
“Maybe he does like you, but he’s been afraid to tell you,” Leanna said. “When I started dating Marlin, he admitted he’d liked me for a while but was too afraid to ask me to date him. He thought I liked someone else.”
“But sometimes Jeff acts as though he doesn’t like me at all. Did Marlin do that?” Christiana asked.
“No, but he acted naerfich. Maybe you’re mistaking Jeff’s nerves for something else.”
Salina pressed her lips together and shook her head. Christiana suspected Salina was holding something back.
“What are you thinking, Salina?” Christiana asked.
“I still think you should give him grace. You said you could tell he was sad when you first met him. Maybe he’s going through a tough season. You don’t know what he’s dealing with. Maybe he needs everyone to cut him some slack.”
Christiana swallowed more coffee, hoping to drown her threatening guilt. No, she would not allow Salina to make her feel guilty. Jeff was rude to her when she’d done nothing wrong—twice. If God had sent her to help Jeff, Jeff wasn’t cooperating.
“Did you sell a lot of jams and jellies yesterday?” Bethany asked Leanna.
“Ya, I did.” Leanna smiled. “I’ll have to make more next week. I’m finally running out of my cranberry apple jars.”
“Ooh.” Bethany grinned. “That’s my favorite.”
Christiana was grateful that Bethany had changed the subject. She was tired of thinking about Jeff and her disappointment in him. She cared about him, but she longed to tamp down those feelings. They couldn’t be friends, even if they had to see each other three days every week.
She studied her coffee while her cousins chatted about their own businesses. When she saw movement out of the corner of her eye, she looked up and found Jeff staring at her. Her jaw tightened. She was tired of his playing games with her, and she wasn’t going to allow his sad eyes to manipulate her any longer.