The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond

by Lee Harrington

  Is this a physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy endeavor for me at this time?

  When sharing information with partners, having answers to those questions for yourself ahead of time can be very helpful. In addition, discussion with partners about your mental health, history with emotional triggers and land mines (see Chapter 4), and other self-wellness needs can be hugely helpful.

  Being able to share with a partner what best sends you into altered states of consciousness, as well as what is most likely to stop you from going there, will help the process., Consider what things tend to happen to you are when you are in trance, and what to watch out for. This will help contribute towards success. It is not up to your partner to ask these questions of you, or to force you to process. Every one of us needs to be responsible for ourselves and our own journey, even if that responsibility involves making the choice to hand our active choices over to another individual or awareness, or to bow out of engaging in a type of play. An honest internal dialogue with yourself is key. This can involve considering the questions in your head, keeping a journal, talking with close friends, or meditating. Being brave and self-loving enough to occasionally say “I don’t know yet.” Slowing the chatter of our active mind enough to listen to and learn from our intuition and personal awareness is of as much importance, if not more so, than knowing how well your body can take needles or how your family can handle an alternative relationship structure.

  Know thy Partner(s)

  Once you have checked in honestly with yourself, it is it is important to explore the reasons the individual you journeying with wants to engage in this work. Hiring professionals can be a great tool for sacred work, because it can create a veil of energetic separation where it is very clear what that individual is getting their needs met as well. However, if engaging in in pick-up play, or with a partner new to exploring with you, communication is of the utmost importance.

  What do they get out of this? Examples include:

  Submission/Dominance

  Loss of Control

  Take Down

  Engaging endorphins

  Meditation

  Sacred Exploration

  Enjoying the process

  Sexual Thrill

  Performance

  Trying something new

  Challenge

  Sensation

  Sex/Foreplay

  Fetishism

  Fun

  Just because your partner wants to engage in these activities because they want sex or foreplay, and you want a spiritual experience, that does not mean that you are incompatible. In the same way, if both of you are on a journey of sacred exploration that does not mean you have the same definition of sacred, exploration, duration or intention.

  This all involves some form of communication, as with the rest of negotiation. It is possible to be successful (and sexy) going forth with just a wink and a nod, but the chances for misunderstanding also can be disastrous. Do not assume that because the person you are cruising is carrying a big bag of toys that it means they know how to use them. Likewise, just because someone says they are a shaman, wears a pentagram, talks about ceremonial magic or posts an ad online looking for a spiritual Submissive does not mean they actually have any experience with it at all, let alone the specific nuances of what you are hoping to find.

  If you are experienced, consider as well that not every person who comes to you needs the exact same thing. There is no cure-all pill or perfect one-size-fits-all set of Sacred Kink spells and activities. Just because the last person you worked with was really helped by Cathartic Flogging and the Path of Rhythm does not mean that this person will not be called to exploring Sensory Meditation and the Path of Breath.

  Be adult about it. It’s okay to ask some hard questions. If you are just looking for someone to have sexual intercourse with to fuel a spell, you do not need them to give you their complete life history. But if you hope to have this person in your life for a while, or in a very deep way even for a short period, having some meaningful discussions both before and after the work is reasonable. Really listen to what they have to say. What do they mean by “sacred”? How will what they have shared affect you? Make sure to look at not just the porn or fictional tale you’ve written in advance about how a specific scene “should” go, but what the scene actually is or might be.

  This means that these sorts of negotiations need to come from a place of transparency as equals. Even if you are engaged in a dominant/submissive relationship dynamic, consider finding some way everyone involved can express their needs, wants, desires and fears without detrimentally affecting the relationship. Consider inviting them “up to your level” for a moment, or finding some other safe way for everyone to truly be heard. Priests take the time to deeply listen to their Parishioners before offering advice, and so should each person in a scene.

  Lastly, be aware that there are some individuals drawn to Sacred Kink for what may be construed as unhealthy reasons. It is hard to know for certain whether the person you are talking to truly is the incarnation of Cleopatra or just a very nice lady who is a bit confused. It can be challenging to determine whether a relationship was destined by the stars and foretold in their morning breakfast cereal, or whether they are co-dependent and prone to misunderstandings. Consider second opinions, divination, meditation and mediation from those whom you respect as tools to use if you are unclear who you might be dealing with.

  Working in Established Relationships

  Many times with Sacred Kink that we are not negotiating with strangers. We are creating open dialogue about our desires, fears and possible interests with our established partners. For some, this is much easier. Our lovers, partners and friends already know many of our limits, triggers and boundaries, as well as our desires and hot buttons.

  For some of the paths, especially Ordeal Path work, this might actually make the dialogues more challenging. Can we cast our beloved in the role of the tormenter, and come out safely on the other side with our relationship intact? We will be discussing this issue further when we get to that path, instead the issue of fear that comes up beyond those situations. Fears of abandonment, judgement, taboo, denial or over-enthusiasm from your partner might manifest as well.

  Start slow. If you are in an established romantic relationship, examine which paths you are already playing with and try bringing consciousness and intent to what you are already doing. Perhaps you already enjoy sensual massage and low-temperature wax play in combination with ice cubes. Try looking at the exercises in the Path of Flesh to bring mindfulness to that type of engagement as a way to tiptoe into this work. If you love playing to music, building on that love through some of the concepts in Path of Rhythm might be a good place to start.

  Collaborative construction of your desires and life is important in relationships, and this counts in sacred (or profane) kink. Listen to each other fully, with an open heart and mind. Hear what they have to say before responding in a reactionary manner. And remember to ask loving questions from a place of interest and curiosity towards building something deeper rather than assuming you know what they are looking for just because you already know one another.

  Understanding Roles and Connection

  When negotiating, make sure that each partner understands what their roles and responsibility are in the work. Are they to be a partner, a lover, a priest in black leather, a shaman in tailored hides? Is this to be a one-time connection, a professional arrangement, or a long-term agreement to walk the path together? If this is not made clear, it is very easy for misunderstandings to occur.

  When engaging in practices that push our limits and comfort zones, especially when we have not done these sorts of things before, it is very easy to confuse the experience we have of an altered state with emotions that we might have for a person. Double check with yourself: have you fallen for the person holding the whip, or the journey they took you on? Emotional bonding with your partner, whether you are the Top, Bottom, or any o
ther role, happens very easily when in an altered state of consciousness. It is important not to confuse the play with the person.

  Drawing lines and boundaries in advance helps assist in this. Communicating which issues and perceptions you are coming to the table with, versus what a partner is bringing to the table and projecting on to you, can help in knowing how to walk away from an experience without carrying someone else’s baggage. Just as it is easy to bond (sometimes in an unhealthy way) with an individual when exploring Sacred Kink with them, it is also easy to walk away with their issues because of the bonds formed during the work.

  Shield’s don’t just have to do with touch. They are also about keeping bad thoughts from coming our way or affecting us. You can do this by imagining taking our sense of self, that usually stops at your skin, and push it out just past the surface of your body. Some people’s shields are even a foot or two away from them. Shields might be visualized as solid walls, force fields, living creatures, or a beautiful webs of life. As you push that shield out of your body through breathing out as it grows bigger, keep your intention of safety, security and protection in mind.

  Make sure not to have the bubble be too solid. If you have a wall around you, no one can get in. In your visualization, make sure that walls have gates to come through and webs of life have space for the sun shine. This creates a filter that lets in the specific energies and concepts you want while letting the rest flow on by.

  Remember that another person’s journey is not your journey, even if they are a mate or romantic partner. That is why our shields shouldn’t let their experiences get stuck inside us. Just because they are having a hard time, or questioning their work, does not mean they are doing it just to spite you or it is directly related to you in any way. Letting our egos attach to what others are going through is rarely helpful for anyone involved. Your journey-mate is allowed to have their own experiences, and so are you.

  However, not everyone heeds that call. Some individuals get so caught up in what they are doing that their connection with a partner in a Sacred Kink arrangement can go from being mutually beneficial for all parties involved to leading into obsession and addiction. Know your boundaries. What is helpful for you? Just because someone says they need you, does not mean that it is your job to be there for them. Some individuals living with a variety of mental health concerns (treated or untreated) can be drawn to Sacred Kink as a way to compensate for, or try to self-medicate, their mental conditions.

  This can also be as simple as someone feeling truly “seen” for the first time in their lives. For many of us, we have grown up living in a world where we are projector screens for other people’s judgements and stories of who they think we are. Having an individual stop, look us the in the eye and simply breathe with us can feel immensely intimate and life-changing. Intense and potentially “unhealthy” responses can come from a place of deep vulnerability, heartache and beauty as well.

  As you go into this type of work, also make sure to ask about the former relationships a person has had that have had a sacred element to them. Have they all ended in drama, bitterness and pain? Are they still in friendly relations with their former partners? Is this their first such experience? All of these can be clues to what to watch out for as your relationship and connection with this person, under the added stress of soul-exploration, evolves. We often learn far more about an individual from how they end relationships than we learn from how they start them.

  Spiritual Practices and Religious Worship

  Though we will be looking more at this in the Path of Ritual and Path of the Horse, it is important to note when negotiating that there are individuals who are not interested in Sacred Kink as a route to altered states of consciousness or “play” of any sort. There are people and groups who choose to use these tools and technology as an option for expressing their spiritual practices and as a form of religious worship.

  In the book “Spirit of Desire: Personal Explorations of Sacred Kink,” a number of individuals chose to write about how kink helped them come closer to divinity, or encounter that divinity. Lady Jazelle shared her experience as a Christian of a scene she did that became an understanding of Christ’s sacrifice. Otterdancing talked about rhythm bringing her into a vision of the Greek god Pan. Others choose to use various forms of pain and suffering as an offering to their gods, higher powers and honored ancestors. There are some who have dedicated themselves to the Hindu god Shiva that perform ascetic acts in his honor, and a kinky dedicant of Shiva might choose to make ascetic offerings through his kink. Some pagan covens train with kinky teachers to learn skills like flagellation in their ritual work.

  If you want to add kink to your sacred workings, look at how you can baby step into using this tool together (or as a group). “Calling the quarters” can use elements for north, south, east and west that were represented using sexual activities. Meditation or prayer might incorporate being bound in place. Divination practices can be experimented with using blindfolds or other forms of sensory deprivation.

  Not everyone in any given spiritual group will understand, let alone desire, adding Sacred Kink activities to ritual work or expressions of faith. The sacred sexuality community has seen ebbs and flows over the years of groups that sharply divide over the topic, come back together, and even divide again. Some believe that the Charge of the Goddess in Wicca cannot possibly apply to acts of pain or what might be perceived as suffering. Others also envision all forms of kink as a continuation of brutality against women and a perpetuation of violence against women. But when we examine the words of the Charge of the Goddess, those who have explored consensual kink in all its forms can easily see its application:

  “Let My worship be in the heart that rejoices, for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals.

  Let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you.”

  - Doreen Valiente, adapted by Starhawk, Charge of the Goddess

  It is important to understand that each person and group will continue to have different takes on this work. If these topics are alien to you, do not feel like they are required. The majority of Sacred Kink practitioners are exploring this work outside of a specifically religious framework, and not all of those who are coming at this from a spiritual lens are pagan. But for those that are, an awareness of the thoughts of others is important. More important though is taking the time to think about your own personal judgements, prejudices and preferences regarding this work in your own life and practices.

  Planning the Work

  Once you have decided who to journey with and had some quality conversations with yourself, it’s time to negotiate what the work itself will involve. What activities will help enable you to take the journey that you want? You’ll get plenty of ideas in the chapters ahead of what those tools and activities might be, but are you or your partner(s) prepared and proficient in those tools? Being competent in those skills before engaging in the energetic aspect of the work is necessary. When energy gets whipped up, skills can sometimes can waver, which means you need to be at the top of your game (or at least aware of the level of your game) before there is the possibility of it faltering. We will discuss this issue more in the Path of Rhythm.

  Some tools used in Sacred Kink scenes and encounters will be very different than what are used in normal “play” scenes, and others will not. Part of this is because there are practitioners who believe that it is important for these types of encounters to not be mixed when we are just having a bit of fun. For others, our libido is the only thing that keeps us journeying into our spirit. If you tend to follow the Path of the Flesh, this might be especially true for you. Remember that not all spiritual work needs to come from a place of misery.

  You’ll need to consider where you will play. In your bedroom? In a specified temple or energetically prepared space? At a public dungeon or play party? Will there be witnesses to your work?

  Think about how “big” yo
u expect it to be. Will there be a likelihood of a lot of emotions pouring out? If so, make sure the space is prepared for it. How likely will it be to cause a problem if people end up screaming and crying? Speaking in tongues? Going cold and quiet and being drawn into themselves for an extended period?

  The space does not just include the thickness of the walls and whether there will be a bed to curl up on afterwards. If it is taking place in a public play space, make sure to warn the Dungeon Monitors (DMs) or party hosts about the concept of your work, or at least that it is likely to look different than other scenes. By doing so, they have a chance to make decisions for themselves as to whether it is a good fit for the venue. They can become an ally to your scene as well, by stepping between you and concerned onlookers should that issue arise. Better yet, you can provide your own support staff who can make sure that supplies are brought to you (not just in-scene, but afterwards with such things as blankets and water) and provide guardian-style energy to the space you energetically create to protect your work.

  Do not set up near other scenes that are likely to distract what you are engaging in, or to easily distract from what they are doing in their play. This is not just about making sure you are not hit with a single tail. If you have skill with energy reading and sensing, spend some time with your eyes closed figuring out where would be appropriate to set up. Our conscious mind may not be aware that the person on the cross next to us is vomiting their emotions out at everyone in the dungeon, but our unconscious or energetic self can often sense it.

  All of these things will help contribute to the feeling of safety for the Bottom, which in turns aides letting go enough to entered an altered state, and to the confidence of the Top, which helps create the most quality care and skill possible. This applies as well if the Top is the individual going into an altered state or seeking out the journey; without confidence and safety, it is challenging to have altered states manifest.