The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond

by Lee Harrington

  West Coast Casual

  I said this once as joke, and it has taken on a life of its own. It is my own reference to D/s relationships that just are. No counting the ice cubes, no dressing up. Just things getting done when stuff needs to get done, and people living their casual, authentic, relaxed life with a D/s twist.

  Protocol Power

  Protocols have power along that Path of Ritual. Protocols are the rules of how an activity should be performed or a rule carried out. Rules themselves can be ritualized through the protocols constructed. Rituals that serve our core energetic goals have our energy or prana channel into the directions we want our life to go, rather than serving rituals that give us very little return for our investment in them.

  This can only happen if we know what our core goals are, and actually care about the protocol in question. Let’s take for example, asking your partner to get a glass of water. In some relationships, it is of great importance for them that the water always be room temperature with a slice of lime in it, and that it be served in silence without it interrupting any conversation. Others just want a glass of water.

  If you do not care about a protocol, don’t design one. The serving partner will be channeling energy, power and passion into learning that protocol, and if it is not appreciated or cared about on the other end of the power exchange, the “circuit” of energy does not take place. That energy is lost and the energy can drain from a relationship over time.

  Protocol or Etiquette?

  According to the dictionary, a protocol is “the strict adherence to proper etiquette.” In turn, within most communities, etiquette is often seen as “common sense” or “what everyone should know.” This is certainly the case in the BDSM and kink communities. Though we sometimes hold the hands of inexperienced explorers or those new to our area, after a short time, we assume people have just picked up most of what they should know through osmosis.

  But the truth is that since there is no one single kink community, there is no one single set of proper etiquette, and common sense is not so common. Many things from mainstream society stand. Don’t touch other people’s things without permission. Don’t interrupt other people’s conversations. But even these basic concepts come with additional layers of meaning in some kink communities. Are people wearing collars considered someone’s “things?”

  Can new people to the group ever join in the topic of discussion, or do they need a sponsor? No two groups are identical.

  There is no one single etiquette, so there is no single set of protocols with which to follow that etiquette. The styles vary from person to person and group to group. If in doubt, watch and mirror. If you are comfortable with a community’s or individual’s systems, using them is considered a form of honor and respect. If you are uncomfortable with any, clearly state so with decorum. Perhaps someone wants to be called “Master Bob.” If you are uncomfortable addressing them as Master, a response of “I tend not to use honorifics with people I haven’t gotten to know, is there another name I can address you by.” This shows respect while also maintaining your own boundaries.

  When we add Sacred Kink into the mix, we are often looking at multiple sets of etiquette and protocol simultaneously. Whether it is wardrobe, styles of conversation, or who to acknowledge first when entering a group, based on who has higher rank in your coven, or who is the elder Leatherwoman in any given moment.

  Research and Design

  Researching other individuals, groups and cultures is a great way to find your own ideas for rituals and protocols to add into your play and relationships. Be forewarned, though: plagiarism is not sexy. Saying you invented something when you did not will not win you friends, nor is it helpful for personal evolution.

  If you borrow from other cultures or engage in other forms of cultural appropriation, know that those rites you are copying have reasons behind them. That tattoo you saw in National Geographic means something to that culture, and is not something “cool” to put on your partner without understanding the context.

  If you are going to borrow rituals, do your homework. Read the entire story. Find out what that rune actually means. In Sacred Kink we understand that these names, icons and rites are charged with energy, and we can wake up the truth in these things, inviting them into our lives.

  When looking around for inspiration, meditating, or talking with a partner, these are a few of the questions I ask myself to start getting my juices going:

  What level of formality will we have in our day-to-day life? Out and about with friends? When doing individual scenes or ritual work?

  Do I want a hands-on system, or do I expect to give orders and simply have them done?

  Does it matter to me how the work gets done? Is the point to get the job done, or to get it done in an explicit manner? (One story is of a man who ordered his Property to get his boots done. The order was about learning to bootblack and spending time in meditation contemplating his role. The property took the boots to a cobbler and had them professionally done. Whoops!)

  Are there others we need to consider in planning? (such as work, kids, in-laws, leather family, patron deities, and pets)

  Is this protocol good for living in a larger society? (It may be hot to have your Slave eat out of a dog bowl, but is that what we want to do when we go to dinner at a public restaurant?)

  How are we going to check in down the road to see if these rituals are working for us? (Dominant decides, weekly space for open talk, journaling our feelings, renegotiate contract every 3-6 months, etc.)

  Whatever is decided, it is important to commit. Rituals are about practice, and doing the work over and over again. Doing your formal Slave positions only once is fun, but then is a working on the Path of the Flesh or the Ordeal Path, not on the Path of Ritual. How can the grain of sand that is our spirit be coated to become a pearl if we only think about the work? We must actually do it, whatever it is.

  Adhering to these systems applies to the Dominant as well. It might seem to the outsider that all these protocols are for the Master to make up and the Slave to remember and follow, but obligation falls to both parties. Yes, there are submissive individuals who are perfectly content to just do the work with no oversight whatsoever; but there is a difference between a dominant partner trusting their mate and a dominant partner who has forgotten about the rules or just does not care.

  If you decide that it is important to your relationship that your Girl always open the door for you, if she is there and you open the door for yourself every time, you are denying them an opportunity to serve. If you command your Worshiper to devote an hour of practice daily to saying your holy names, and never ask them how their practice is going, they may forget, or worse, think it does not really matter whether they do it or not.

  This is part of our Noblesse Oblige, the rights and obligations of the nobles. When someone swears allegiance to a Count, in exchange for a percentage (or tithe) of the goods from their land and work, the Count commits to protect the lands their vassal lives on, make sure that in times of famine that their storehouses will be opened, and that they will hear any complaints with their neighbors and pass fair judgment. This is part of the sacred call of Mastery (to be discussed more in the Path of Asceticism). When someone swears allegiance, we do have the choice to have them sign a “porn contract,” where each line details what the Slave will wear, how the Slave will act, and what noises the Slave will make in the bedroom. But why settle for something so base when we have the power to change our lives and become something greater? When everyone involved in a relationship (whether a pair, a triad, a stable of partners, a leather family or a community) engage fully and agree to their roles and responsibilities, and then actually do it, is a powerful thing indeed.

  We will stumble. It’s why it’s called a practice. But in choosing to be present and commit to a path of ritual allows us the opportunity to rise from mediocrity to greatness. This is not just about kinky relationships. When our rituals become more meaningful than s
imply being what we are required to do, those rituals remind us that we as people are more than what we are required to be.

  So what sorts of protocols and rituals can we integrate into our D/s relationship?

  Greetings and partings

  Words, physical behavior, collar removal/addition, timing

  Physical service

  Chores, activities, and how specifically to do them

  Terminology

  Honorifics, diminutives and other language for one another

  Talking

  Style, how, when they may talk

  Asking permission

  To do specific activities, leaving presence, clothing choices

  Body movement

  How to stand, where to walk, physical interactions with others

  Props and power objects

  Collars, keys, jewelry, wardrobe and other insignia or objects

  Long Distance Concepts

  Though many of the above things can be done long distance, there is a hunger for those of is in long distance D/s relationships to maintain the energy and connection within our relationship. If we only see each other once a week, or once a year, how can we open up doors for our partner or have our sacred role as their Priestess maintained? How can we continue to charge the power circuit between us and use it as something that can fuel each of us on our path?

  Touching base

  Done by phone, text, or via some sort of written communication, ritualized systems create connection and cohesion. One Submissive I know always brought their Dominant a cup of coffee in the morning when together, and when long distance, sent messages like “cappuccino” as a wake-up text. Dominant partners responding completes the energetic circuit for acknowledgment and presence.

  Journaling

  Being “forced” to sit down and think their life can be a useful ritual time for connection to the self, or to have space to share things that might come up in conversation if we were together each day. Though online blogs are an option, sharing with the whole world is different than sharing with just yourself or your partner. Keep entries regular: daily “wins” can become a way to keep those prone to depression up and staying up, and sharing information in both directions keeps the flow and energy between you alive and well instead of stagnant and fractured.

  Checking in

  Ritualized way to create space for everyone to share how they are doing and emotions or ideas that have arisen since last really getting to talk is helpful for a sustainable relationship. By making a formalized ritual, you can also use it to enforce your chosen dynamics. No, not just to talk, but listen as well. Practice active listening: stop and really hear what your partner has to say, instead of just being quiet until you get to talk again.

  Appearance

  Always keep your hair cut this way for me. You are only allowed to wear earth tones. Keep your boots polished—they reflect upon both of us. Setting dress and grooming protocols create a daily reminder of who a person belongs to. I know of shamans and magicians who have this with their patron deities as well—by keeping their hair dyed a certain color, or not being allowed to wear commercially made clothing, they are reminded on a daily basis of who their life is dedicated to and who their daily work honors.

  Speech restrictions

  Only speak from a place of love. No swearing allowed. Stop and think before you talk. Whether your restrictions are on your speech, your body activities, who you engage with, or any other thing, having awareness (and having your dominant partner check in on how you have been doing with it) can keep the connection of servitude and surrender alive from a distance.

  Prayer/daily devotionals

  Each day wake and put on your collar. Each time you see this branding, take a moment to breathe in and remember who you belong to. In the morning, spend an hour for me while working out, meditating on your greatness, as I value owning something powerful. Engage in literal prayer, kneeling before an image of our partner or their sacred tools. Offering worship through action. Whatever it is, do it in regular intervals. Once a day, once a week, each time you cum, every full moon…being able to set your inner cycles by the cycles of your devotion is an incredibly charging ritual practice.

  There are other options as well. Punishment, atonement and apologies are an example, and they will be examined in the Path of Asceticism. Just remember that rituals are there to serve a purpose. That purpose can be to get us turned on; that’s fine! But at least know why you are doing them. Tradition? Habit? Choice? If the ritual is not doing anything for anyone in the relationship, or worse yet, if the protocol gets in the way of what needs to be done in the relationship, get rid of it. Replace it with something that will actually help everyone involved.

  In any relationship, D/s or otherwise, we use rituals. We celebrate anniversaries, have date nights, dance to “our” song. Rituals in relationships make us more connected with those whom we choose. When we let rituals slip away, loss is felt. If we are going to grow with our partners, no matter what our dynamic, we need to create rituals that serve all we long for. Together, we create greatness between us, practice, celebrate, and surround ourselves in all we can be.

  Fetish as Fetish

  Another amazingly powerful tool for ritual in the kink community are fetishes. From an anthropological perspective, a fetish is a ritual tool or item that is imbued with sacred or magical powers based on it having been touched by a god, used in rituals over and over again, or being set apart in some other ways from a “normal” tool. It is an item blessed. It is an item that has become more than what it might seem.

  In a clinical psychology approach to a fetish, it is a thing or concept that is a paraphilia, an object of focus and desire. More extreme case studies show that the fetishist can become so obsessed with their object of obsession (or I would argue focus and worship) that they cast aside everything else in their life and sex for this fetish. These individuals are referred to as having a “debilitating paraphilia,” a sexual focus and pleasure item that makes them unable to operate in the “real” world. Other individuals fall on the “mild” fetish end of the scale, where they happen to enjoy an item sexually, or a part of the body more than others, from time to time. This lighter side of fetish is called a partialism. Most individuals in the kink community who say they have a “fetish” are often referring to a partialism or interest of some sort, and only a small percentage fall in the paraphilia (and fewer still in the debilitating) category.

  The linguistic connection between these two definitions of fetish is usually overlooked. If we look at it with an eye for Sacred Kink a sexual fetish object, is in fact an anthropological fetish object. Each fetishist has loaded their erotic landscape with their own “right way” to conduct the rituals concerning their fetish. There are foot fetishists who long for dirty feet, others for clean, others for the perfect six-inch heel… but each one has obsessions and rituals that have the potential to be tapped into for personal growth and sacred exploration.

  The similarity between fetish types goes further. Like the Shaman who feels that their energetic power is rooted in the skin they carry or the magical staff that was passed down through the generations, so, too, does a Fetishist feel that without their latex clothing or access to massive breasts that they are powerless to perform sexually. Performance for both is rooted in their fetish. This is one of the reasons that psychologists chose to call it a fetish in the first place.

  Full-blown paraphilias are not the only place this is the case. When a Fetishist is with their partialism, their item of interest, they feel more able to perform, more able to engage, more blessed and charged. A Spirit Worker with their fetish item, their ancestral images or tarot deck or bag of runes, feels more clearly able to tune into what the spirits are saying. Both are able to get the job done (engage sexually or look into the future) without their power objects, but having those objects on hand makes them more successful.

  What, then, would happen if we actively chose to engage with our sexual fetishes
as anthropological fetish objects? This is already happening unconsciously within our communities:

  Masters feeling more powerful when wearing the cap handed down by their peers

  Boys who can “take anything” as long as they are wearing their boots

  Ponies who can only “become ponies” when they are strapped into their tack

  Dominatrices who feel unable to perform when not wearing their heels

  Adult babies who instantly “transform” into role when handed a specific teddy bear

  Leather title holders who “can’t get up on stage and speak in public” until they put on their sash and full leathers

  Some of these power items have become intergenerational or handed down from mentor to student. Some of these items become imbued with power because we wear them over and over again when engaged in a specific act. Some are charged with gnosis because they have been with us when something magical took place.

  We have the ability to specifically create fetish objects or acknowledge and use these items as such that already live in our life. What power objects do you have in your life already? What do you wish you had an object, for that would help you manifest a spell or a specific transformation each time you handled it? Instead of charging a crystal or a piece of jewelry, consider specially choosing an object that you could sexually fetishize as well.