The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond

by Lee Harrington

  Becoming authentic is the art of the soul made visible. Not plastered on billboards, screaming I AM OUT from floats in a parade. If such things make you smile, enjoy them. But embracing the authentic self is trusting our instincts and letting that which we are cut from, what our true being is, shine. It is removing the clutter, clearing away the debris, and knowing ourselves.

  Slavery will only help you be authentic if you are called to it.

  You can be called to this work by having the siren song sneak up out of nowhere with one partner, or one place to serve. You may carry the calling in your spiritual work. Perhaps you choose to express the call through feeding the masses or clothing the cold. Others of us are called to express this desire through serving another human, or through a specific human to a greater good.

  Because this is what I am called to do.

  And sometimes, when we shine, by walking with our heads held high (even when we are crawling), we give permission for others to find their own path of erotic authenticity as well.

  Of Mastery and Service

  The first time I attended the Master/Slave conference in Washington, DC, it was a strange homecoming. I wasn’t supposed to be there, but I found myself suddenly in the same city as it, with no plans for a weekend, and had I feeling that I should go. Walking in the door, I felt a sensation creep up my spine. Within ten minutes of being there, I had been greeted by at least ten men and women I had known and had intense spiritual or personal conversations with over the years. And when I went to the first Master’s round table that weekend, looking around the room, I realized I felt truly at peace here.

  Most of our current forms of the word “master” can find their source from the guild system of medieval Europe. A new student to a trade became an apprentice, and an experienced student with skills of their own to share, a journeyman. Finally, the journeyman would work on his masterpiece, and if in presenting it he was found worthy, was declared a master of his craft.

  In consciously entering into Mastery, I am continuously mastering my craft. My craft takes the form of those that I shape, those in my care, and in turn, my own spirit. This is one of the secrets of the Masons, of Freemasonry: that in mastering our craft we master our own divine nature.

  Though master started as a term for craftspeople who strive constantly for excellence, it came to be used as slang meaning individuals with authority or those perceived to have a higher status. The same can be said of the term Master within kink. There are those of us called to Mastery as a spiritual path, or as a true vocation. There are others who follow it because it was handed to them, a form of work they need to do, just as instead of following a career vocation, some are just working a job. And others use it as a term for someone of higher status or authority, out of habit, out of tradition, or because it gets them all hot and bothered.

  All of these uses are valid. Having someone at my feet moaning my honorific can indeed be an aphrodisiac, but Mastery as a spiritual calling or vocation has more potential for me to grow, learn, evolve, and serve the Universe. Sometimes, I think of this in the context of the Sanskrit term guru. Though meaning teacher, or individual with great knowledge in an area, its literal translation is “destroyer of darkness.” Following the calling of Mastery, I provide myself as teacher, as guide, as icon, as mentor, as authority. In doing so, from a place of authenticity and integrity, I become a guru. I become gifted with the ability to clear the darkness and find the truths buried within.

  In Mastery, we do not strive for Mastery of any one person, but of ourselves. How can we possibly hope to guide another life if we ourselves have not taken the time to learn to guide our own lives? Until we are rich of spirit and strongly rooted in knowledge of our own journey, we are only donning the guise of Mastery.

  This work is ever-evolving. This work is never done. This work of self-mastery involves learning honesty with ourselves. It involves coming from the heart. It involves questing for our greatness. It involves living in integrity. It involves constant self-examination. It involves finding our head, heart, and cunt/cock in full alignment. With each day we do this work we are in obedience to our call of Mastery, whether we have a Slave or not.

  By doing this work, we stop chasing bliss. We instead become the vessel that bliss has the ability to reside in.

  Excellence attracts excellence. When we become worthy of service, worthy of a Slave, worthy of greatness—service, Slavery and greatness come to us. Whether we are worthy is not to be judged by other Masters who will place a cap on our head, or by our friends and family, or by our community as a whole. Our worth comes from within. And as Masters, by doing this work, we set an example with our very lives.

  When the gift of service comes to us, how do we give thanks? If someone has come into my life to do part of my work, leaving my hands open, I am called to apply my open hands to the greater work. To my life’s Work. To do something bigger with myself. It is not a question of “what have I done to deserve this gift?” but “what will I keep doing to continue to be worthy of this gift?”

  Mastery is also a path of spiritual submission. I am called to stretch the boundaries of my greatness and potential not through ego, but through surrender. Mastery is a form of service to the universe, to ourselves, and to those we are in charge of. Giving and receiving service is a dance. The service that I give may have no resemblance on the surface to the service my Slave gives me, but they are both serving a greater good.

  For me to excel in what I give the Universe in my service, I must learn to accept service with grace. Each bow holds power, each load carried, each dish done. Their acts enable me to move forward with greatness. How we treat those under us often determines how the Universe will treat us in turn.

  Each person who comes into our care, our possession, our guidance and our ownership is a unique tool. They each have their own gifts to lay at our doorstep. By finding their greatness, we have the ability to apply that greatness to the world.

  We must learn to use the tool that is before us. If we are gifted with a violin, is it the violin’s fault we cannot play it? Will it be helpful for us to beat the violin? Will this help it perform better? No. We must master the tool we are given, not try to force the instrument to bend to our will unless we understand the ways that it bends.

  Similarly, if we are given a violin, should we use it to hammer nails into a wall? We have that choice, yes. But it is neither a good allocation of resources, nor worthy of our greatness. We can change the shape of the violin, cover it with steel plating, remove its strings, and distort it under pressure into the hammer we long for. But is this a testament to our Mastery? Or do we learn to play the violin (even if it may take a lifetime), or perhaps find humility by acknowledging that we don’t know how to play a violin, and help the violin find its way to a place it can serve as a violin?

  Each time we enter into a relationship from a place of Mastery, we sign a contract. I am not speaking of the written Slave contracts, though some find them useful as a form of communication, transparency of expectations, or as a way to connect. I am speaking of an energetic contract.

  When a collar is locked on, the lock is removable, the collar can be undone. But what of the keys to that lock? This is our energetic contract. We commit to carry those keys, to keep them safe with us at all times, to be strong enough to hold the space they need to do their work for us. This is because when a collar is locked, we help unlock potential, energy, and spirit. We cast the circle for the work to be done within. And just as any guardian of a circle in magic working must do, we are charged with protection of that circle and seeing to its needs.

  This does not need to take the form of feeding and clothing a Slave. Sometimes this is being able to stand up and order the Slave to feed and clothe themselves. It is our charge to give them the supplies they need to do the work we (and through us, the Universe) give them. Most often, these supplies are not of the earthly type. They are the lending of energy, an open ear to hear challenges, a pocketful of advice
, a rolodex of people who can help, a richness of spirit that inspires them to rise to their fullest potential.

  It is for these reasons that each Master must develop their own system of ethics and morals. If we are to guide another, we must have some sort of way to check ourselves. Are we on the right track? Is this the right choice? Are we giving them the best advice? Am I shaping them in accordance with my beliefs?

  Thus, it is important that we have some form of practice or system for attuning to our inner wisdom or higher truth. For some, this is a discipline founded within faith. Master Z of Dallas refers to the work of “Master going into Solitude,” a time not of loneliness, but choosing to purposefully spend time in one’s own company for clarity and balance. Others of us have a network of peers as our system of self-checking. If we do not have some sort of system, when challenges arise, we will have nothing to turn to.

  Because you know what? Bad stuff happens. Unplanned stuff. We mess up. They mess up. We all make mistakes. But we have a choice in those times. Do we rail against the failure, blame, hate, and storm? Or do we take it as an opportunity?

  By admitting that we are imperfect or have made a mistake, or leaving space for our Slave to do the same, we create a safe harbor for growth, learning, deepening relationships, and self-knowledge. Coming to this work from a place of being profoundly human can be terrifying. It takes strength on all sides.

  Sometimes it takes strength to point out that your Slave has been in error. Sometimes, it takes strength to point out that you were the one in error. And sometimes, it takes strength to build a system where you can use your Slave to point out when you yourself were out of turn.

  The individuals in service to us are a resource. If we trust their opinion, why not count it amongst the assets they provide? Why not treat that voice as the gift to us that it is. Having someone else who can say “Sir, your zipper is down” on both a physical and energetic level can provide us with the ability to move through life with our head held high, knowing someone else has our backs. That they are quality. And that their service to us reflects on our quality. I sometimes wonder if I chose Mastery, or if Mastery chose me. Did I ask to be granted amazing humans to shape, mold and guide, or did the universe provide them as a tool for me to shape, mold and guide myself? Am I called to this work through some sort of sacred soul contract, as Caroline Myss speaks of in Sacred Contracts: Awakening Your Divine Potential, signed before I was born? Or did I stumble upon a sacred calling as I enjoyed the trappings of power exchange in the bedroom and dungeon?

  Maybe, all the answers are true.

  Training, Punishment and Atonement

  For some folks, pain is just a sensation to enjoy the experience of. There are people into kink who enjoy being told to get down and do 20 push-ups as a form of fun role-playing. Other individuals think that being told to wear a sign around their neck that says how naughty they have been is just good times. However, there is potential within all of these tools for training, punishment and atonement.

  Whether setting up a protocol system within a Dominant/Submissive relationship, engaging in animal or military role-playing, forming a spiritual practice or any other number of things, we have to train people how we want things done. Putting rules down on a page is one thing, but implementing them is another. It is incredibly rare to get it right the first time. It’s called a practice for a reason!

  Training has a few uses. The first is education. People have to learn how to do things the right way, whatever “right” happens to be. Humans, in general, want to do the right thing, and know when they are doing a good job. People work diligently to gain bonuses, promotions, good grades, and scholarships. Studies have shown that it is important to praise children when they do the right thing, because they will be more likely to repeat it again in the future.

  This concept, known as positive reinforcement, applies to both kink and sacred systems as well. Taking the time to occasionally pat a good human Puppy on the head, or state out loud to a Slave that that was, indeed, the correct way to do the work, will create a longing to keep receiving that attention and thus to continue to do the job right. When learning a mantra or prayer, having your faith leader nod their head and smile when it is done correctly can feed the spirit and build confidence. If for some reason the job was done incorrectly, taking the time to train at the moment of error is far more powerful than punishing for a poorly done deed days or weeks later.

  When behavior is corrected at the moment of inaccuracy, the response from the trainer becomes linked in the mind of the trainee to the activity involved. If we are using positive reinforcement, a happy, sexy, loving, ego-stroking or other positive emotional charge is attached to doing the job right. When someone in service to me brings me water with ice in it at home, I stop and ask them if this is how I like my water. If I have told them the rule before, nine times out of ten they realize immediately what is incorrect about their service and excuse themselves to take care of the issue. If they do not know, it points out that I did not communicate my desires as clearly as necessary, and I explain how I prefer my water.

  After the glass of water is delivered in the exact way I prefer, I thank them with verbal praise, a slap on the ass, a smile, a nod, a squeeze, or some other behavior that registers as positive in the world of the person I am working with. This anchors the concept of “water with no ice” to “feeling happy.” This is often referred to as reward giving, or the “attracting flies with honey” system of training. It can be done as well in energy working systems. If the person is asked if they can recount the original rules for how the practice is done, most often they will try again without being prompted to. They just needed a reminder, and a positive nod or praise afterwards for getting it correct.

  The other option is called negative reinforcement, and in some cases takes on the form of punishment. Negative reinforcement would dictate that when the glass of water is delivered with ice in it, I would respond with something that the person I am working with would find unpleasant, shocking, challenging or negative. Examples include pouring the glass of ice-filled water over their head, lecturing them in a loving tone about how much I expected out of them and am not getting, or having them put their nose in a corner to contemplate what they did incorrectly. For others who are deeply called to service, simply saying “never mind, I’ll do it myself” can be a soul-crushing experience they will never forget. This anchors inappropriate behavior of “water with ice” to feeling unhappy. This is also referred to as the “deterring flies with vinegar” system of training.

  Both systems are valid choices, depending on who I am working with. Some people respond more strongly to praise, and others jump to attention with punishment, or the threat of it. Punishment involves doing something unpleasant to an individual or animal as a response to defiance, disobedience, or in general not following the code of conduct set out by those “in charge.” Sometimes, societies do more extreme punishment than warranted for inappropriate behavior as a form of prevention: if a thief has his hand cut off, it may be extreme for the thief, but it will discourage and deter those contemplating theft from following in his footsteps. Other times, negative reinforcement works as a form of rehabilitation, challenging individuals not just to “not do that again,” but to understand at a core level what was done wrong and embrace the “correct” value or behavior.

  When it comes to timing, there are two different thoughts on training and punishment. The first is to deliver the enforcement (positive or negative) immediately. This creates an instant association. When a yoga instructor corrects your pose in the middle of a lesson, the behavior is instantly corrected. The second thought is to wait until sometime later to deliver the enforcement or punishment, positive or negative.

  For the most part, I have found that immediate correction of behavior in some manner is the more effective of the two. At least letting someone know what they did wrong, and how to not do it in the future, is useful while the event is still fresh in their mind. If we w
ait to point out inappropriate behavior, there is a chance that we may forget to point it out later, or that they may not remember that they even did the action. Having a yoga instructor say “three weeks ago you did not have your hands in the correct position” may not be as helpful as having them just move our hands into the correct position at the time we did it.

  However, there are times when punishment coming after the fact is useful. These cases include:

  When out in public, and it would be socially inappropriate to punish

  If disgrace (or praise) in front of peers would be uncomfortable

  A teaching measure needs to be designed

  If a specific tool that is used for punishment is unavailable

  There is work to be done right now, and waiting until the end of the day would be better

  Punishment would aversely affect mental or physical health

  Relationships are in a rocky place

  If we wait for too long though, those being trained to proper behavior may perceive us as erratic or prone to hold a grudge. Not pointing out that my Property has brought me water with ice until six months later, and then taking out thirty infractions on them at once, wastes everyone’s time and can be experienced as a form of abuse. They wonder what else they are doing or have done wrong that I have not pointed out. Fear escalates within the relationship. And on top of that, I spend those six months receiving poor service instead of correcting behavior after one or two instances.

  It is important to make sure that the individual being punished knows what is happening. This does not just involve telling someone verbally that they are having their behavior corrected. It also involves the unconscious mind buying into the training system. When we use the same tool for titillation and eroticism that we use for punishment, the subconscious may get confused.