The Dude Wrangler

by Caroline Lockhart

  CHAPTER XXII

  "KNOCKING 'EM FOR A CURVE"

  It had been put to a vote as to whether the party should make the tripthrough the Yellowstone Park by motor, stopping at the hotels, or onhorseback with a camping outfit.

  Mr. Stott, after the persuasive manner in which he addressed a jury,argued:

  "We can ride in automobiles at home. That is no novelty. Than horsebackriding, there is no more healthful exercise. We are all agreed that wehave had enough of hotels, while camping will be a new and delightfulexperience. In the brief period that we shall lie next to nature's heartwe will draw strength from her bosom. By camping, we can loaf along inleisurely fashion, taking our own time for seeing the wonders of theYellowstone, and fishing."

  The programme he outlined was so sensible and attractive that everybodywas in favour of it strongly except old Mr. Penrose, who declared thatsleeping on the ground would give him rheumatism, and the fear that bugswould crawl in his ears made him restless. Mr. Stott, however, overcamehis objection by assuring him that the ground was too dry to give anyone rheumatism and he could provide himself with cotton against theother contingency.

  The outlook for a successful trip from every viewpoint was mostpromising, yet there were moments when Wallie had his doubts andmisgivings. He supposed that it was his experience in dry-farming whichhad made him pessimistic concerning all untried ventures. Certainly ithad destroyed his beautiful, child-like faith in the teaching that thehairs of his head were numbered and no harm could come to him. He hadnoticed that everyone who ever had dry-farmed carried the scarsafterward. It was an unforgettable experience, like a narrow escape fromlynching.

  Pinkey, on the contrary, had no sombre thoughts to disturb him. He wasfilled with boundless enthusiasm; though this condition was chronicsince he had become engaged to Miss Eyester.

  Pinkey, in love, was worse than useless. Escorting Miss Eyester was nowhis regular business, with dude wrangling reduced to a side issue.Therefore it had devolved upon Wallie to buy teepees, extra bedding,food, and the thousand and one things necessary to comfort when camping.

  It all had been accomplished finally, and the day came when the caravanwas drawn up beside the Prouty House ready to start toward theYellowstone.

  A delighted populace blocked the sidewalk while they awaited theappearance of Miss Gaskett's friend, Miss Mercy Lane, who had arrived ona night train according to arrangement.

  The cavalcade, if not imposing, was at least arresting. No one couldpass it yawning. There was no one who had come to see the party startwho did not feel repaid for the effort.

  First, there was Mr. Hicks, driving four horses and the "grub-wagon,"and leading the procession. He handled the lines with an aplombreminiscent of the coaching days of Reginald Vanderbilt, together withthe noble bearing of the late Ben Hur tooling his chariot. Mr. Hicksdignified the "grub-wagon" to such an extent that it was a treat to lookat him.

  Second in place was Pinkey, driving the tent-and-bed-wagon, with MissEyester on the high spring-seat beside him. Behind Pinkey came "Red"McGonnigle, driving a surrey provided for those who should becomefatigued with riding horseback. The vehicle, like the stage-coach, was abargain, sold cheaply by the original owner because of the weakness ofthe springs, which permitted the body to hit the axle when any amount ofweight was put in it. This was a discovery they made after purchase.Aunt Lizzie Philbrick was the only passenger, though it was anticipatedthat Miss Mercy Lane would prefer to drive also, since she had had noprevious riding.

  Behind the surrey was the riding party, even more startling than whenthey had first burst upon Wallie in their bead-work and curio-storetrappings. Mr. Stott was wearing a pair of "chaps" spotted like a pinto,while Mr. Budlong in flame-coloured angora at a little distance lookedas if his legs were afire.

  Their ponies peered out shamefacedly through brilliant,penitentiary-made, horse-hair bridles, and old Mr. Penrose was the envyof everybody in a greasy, limp-brimmed Stetson he had bought from afreighter. Also he had acquired a pair of 22-inch, "eagle's bill"tapaderas. He looked like a mounted pirate, and, in his evil moments,after sleeping badly, he acted like one.

  Everyone was in high spirits and eager to get started. Mr. Stottsurreptitiously spurred his horse to make him cavort more spiritedlybefore the spectators, and the horse responded in such a manner that therising young attorney was obliged to cling with both hands to thesaddle-horn.

  When he came back, slightly paler, Wallie said curtly:

  "You don't need spurs on that horse."

  "I'm the best judge of that," Stott retorted.

  Wallie said nothing further, for at the moment the crowd parted topermit the passing of the newcomer from Zanesville, Ohio.

  As he saw her, Wallie felt willing to renew his promise to Miss Gaskettnot to fall in love with her. Wallie was a charitable soul, andchivalrous, but he could not but think that Miss Mercy, who was atrained nurse, must have changed greatly since she and Miss Gaskett wereschool-girls.

  She wore a masculine hat with a quill in it and a woollen skirt thatbagged at the knees like trousers. Her hair was thin at the temples, andshe wore gold glasses astride her long, "foxy" nose. Although no averagecake would have held the candles to which Miss Mercy's birthdaysentitled her, she was given to "middy" blouses and pink sweaters.

  "Merce has such a unique personality that I am sure you are going toenjoy her," beamed Miss Gaskett in presenting Wallie.

  Wallie murmured that he had no doubt of it, and boosted Miss Mercy intothe surrey.

  With nothing further to detain them, Mr. Hicks swung his lash and thefour went off at a gallop, with the cooking utensils in the rearrattling so that it sounded like a runaway milk-wagon.

  He had been instructed to drive ahead and select a suitable place forthe noon-day luncheon in order that everything should be in readinessupon their arrival, but to the others Wallie had suggested that theyride and drive more slowly to save the horses.

  In spite of Wallie's request, however, Mr. Stott, seeing the cookgetting ahead, started off at a gallop to overtake him. In no uncertainvoice Wallie called to him.

  "You will oblige me if you will ride more slowly," Wallie said, speakingvery distinctly when Mr. Stott came back to ask what was wanted.

  "Why, what's the matter?"

  His feigned innocence added to Wallie's anger.

  "I don't want that horse ruined."

  "I am paying for him," Stott returned, insolently.

  "I still own him, and it's my privilege to say how he shall be ridden."

  Stott dropped back suddenly but Wallie foresaw trouble with him beforethe trip was finished, though he meant to hold his temper as long aspossible.

  The reprimand had a beneficial effect upon the other equestrians, whohad contemplated dashing after Mr. Stott, but now concluded to jog alongat a reasonable gait, working off their superfluous energy in askingquestions. Did eagles really carry off children? And was the earth underthe Yellowstone Park hollow?

  In the surrey "Red" McGonnigle was putting forth his best efforts toentertain Aunt Lizzie and Miss Mercy, which he considered as much a partof his duties as driving.

  A portion of the road was through a canon, cut from the solid rock inplaces, with narrow turnouts, and a precipitous descent of hundreds offeet to a sinister-looking green river roaring in the bottom.

  "Now, here," said Mr. McGonnigle, as they entered it, lolling back inthe seat and crossing his legs in leisurely fashion, "is where there'sbeen all kinds of accee-dents."

  He pointed with the stub of a buggy-whip:

  "About there is where four horses on a coal-wagon run away and wentover. Two was killed and one was crippled so they had to shoot it."

  "Oh, how dread-ful!" Aunt Lizzie exclaimed, nervously.

  Miss Mercy's contralto voice boomed at him:

  "What happened to the driver?"

  "His bones was broke in a couple of dozen places, but they picked himup, and sence, he has growed together."

  Miss Mercy snick
ered.

  "You see that p'int ahead of us? Onct a feller ridin' a bronc backed offthere. They rolled two hundred feet together. Wonder it didn't kill'em."

  Aunt Lizzie was twisting her fingers and whispering:

  "Oh, how dread-ful!"

  "Jest around that bend," went on the entertainer, expectorating withdeliberation before he continued, "a buggy tried to pass a hay-wagon. Itwas a brand-new buggy, cost all of $250, and the first time he'd tookhis family out in it. Smashed it to kindlin' wood. The woman threw thebaby overboard and it never could see good out of one eye afterward. Shecaught on a tree when she was rollin' and broke four ribs, or some suchmatter. He'd ought to a-knowed better than to pass a hay-wagon where itwas sidlin'. Good job, says I, fer havin' no judgment though I was oneof his pall-bearers, as an accommodation."

  Aunt Lizzie was beyond exclaiming, and Miss Mercy's toes were curlingand uncurling, though she preserved a composed exterior.

  After setting the brake, McGonnigle went on humorously, gesticulatingspaciously while the slack of the lines swung on the single-tree:

  "On this here hill the brake on a dude's automo-bubbly quit on him. Whenhe come to the turn he went on over. Ruined the car, plumb wrecked it,and it must a cost $1,500 to $2,000. They shipped his corp' back Eastsomewhere."

  Pale, and shaking like an aspen, Aunt Lizzie clung tightly to MissMercy. The scenery was sublime, but they had no eye for it. Their gazewas riveted upon the edge of the precipice some six or eight inches fromthe outer wheels of the surrey, and life at the moment looked as sweetas it seemed uncertain.

  Driving with one hand and pointing with the other, McGonnigle went onwith the fluency for which he was celebrated:

  "That sharp curve we're comin' to is where they was a head-on collisionbetween a chap on a motorcycle and a traction en-jine they was takin'through the canon. He was goin' too fast, anyhow--the motorcycle--and itjest splattered him, as you might say, all over the front of theen-jine."

  Mr. McGonnigle put the lines between his knees and gripped them while hereadjusted his hat with one hand and pointed with the other:

  "You see that hangin' rock? There where it sticks over? Well, sir, twocayuses tryin' to unload their packs bounced off there and----"

  A shriek in his ear interrupted McGonnigle at this juncture. He turned,startled, to see Aunt Lizzie with her fingers in her ears screaming thatshe was going to have hysterics.

  To prove that she was a woman of her word, she had them, while Mr.McGonnigle, utterly unconscious that he was the cause, regarded her inastonishment.

  "She's got a fit," he said to Wallie, who hurried forward.

  "He's scared her out of her wits," declared Miss Mercy, glaring at him.

  "Me?"

  "You! You're a careless driver. I don't believe you understand horses,and I shan't ride any further with you."

  "Red" jammed the whip in its socket and wrapped the lines around it.Springing over the wheel he stood by the roadside and declareddefiantly:

  "I'm quittin'. Hate to leave you in a pinch, Wallie, but I take sassfrom no female. I'd ruther herd sheep than wrangle dudes, anyhow. Itried to be entertainin', and this is the thanks I git fer it."

  "Nobody asked you to talk," Miss Mercy snapped at him.

  Wallie succeeded in pacifying "Red" finally and suggested that he andPinkey exchange places. Pinkey consented reluctantly, and "Red" climbedupon the seat of the bed-wagon with a dark look at the "female" who hadquestioned his knowledge of horses, while he mumbled something about"fixin' her."

  By ten-thirty food was the chief topic of conversation, and everyone waskeeping an eye out for Hicks and the "grub-wagon." At eleven thehilarity had simmered to monosyllables, and old Mr. Penrose, who alwaysbecame incredibly cross when he was hungry, rode along with his facescrewed up like a bad youngster that is being carried out of church fora spanking in the vestibule.

  "I'm so weak I can scarcely sit in the saddle!" Mrs. J. Harry Stottsnapped at Wallie as if she held him responsible.

  "I'm simply ravenous--starving!" declared Mrs. Budlong. She also lookedat him accusingly.

  By eleven-thirty they were all complaining bitterly that the cook hadbeen allowed to get so far ahead that they should all perish of hungerbefore they could overtake him. Mr. Stott galloped ahead as if he werepursued by hostile Indians to see if he could see Hicks, and gallopedback again to say that he could not.

  At twelve the animals in a zoo just before feeding time had "nothing on"The Happy Family when it came to ferocity, but they brightenedimmediately as they finally caught a glimpse of Hicks' camp-fire, andgrew almost cheerful when they saw him cutting bread on the loweredtail-board of the wagon, where the lunch was waiting for them.

  The spot he had selected could not truthfully be called ideal, viewedfrom any angle, since there was no shade and the sand, sizzling hot,reflected the glare of the mid-day sun as painfully as a mirror. None,however, had the temerity to offer any criticism to Mr. Hickspersonally, for his vitriolic tongue had long since properly subjugatedeven the rambunctious attorney.

  The "dudes" dismounted stiffly and stood at a respectful distance,sniffing the bubbling coffee and watching the cook slice ham with aknife that had a blade like the sword of a Crusader.

  Mr. Hicks had an alert, suspicious manner as if he feared that someonewould jump forward and snatch something before he had given the signal.

  When the operation of bread-slicing was completed, Mr. Hicks stuck thepoint of the knife in the tail-board and, gripping the handle, struck apose like that of the elder Salvini, while in a sonorous voice heenumerated the delicacies he had to offer. It sounded like a roll-call,and his tone was so imperative that almost one expected the pickles andcheese to answer--"present."

  "Come and get it!" he finished, abruptly, and retired to sit down undersagebrush as if he were disgusted with food and people who ate it. ThereWallie joined him and from the vantage point watched his guests eattheir first meal in the open.

  If there was one thing upon which The Happy Family at The Colonial hadprided itself more than another it was upon its punctilious observanceof the amenities. There were those among the "newcomers" who averredthat they carried their elaborate politeness to a point which made themridiculous. For example, when two or more met at the door of theelevator they had been known to stand for a full minute urgingprecedence upon the other, and no gentleman, however bald or susceptibleto draughts, would converse with a lady with his head covered.

  Now Wallie felt that his eyes must have deceived him when Mr. Budlongprodded Miss Eyester in the ribs with his elbow in his eagerness to getin ahead of her, while old Mr. Penrose reached a long arm over AuntLizzie Philbrick's shoulder and took away a piece of apple pie uponwhich she already had closed her fingers.

  When Miss Gaskett and Mr. Appel chanced to select the same slice of hamneither seemed disposed to relinquish it but displayed considerablespirit as they pulled until it gave way in its weakest sector, leavingMr. Appel with only an inch of fat between his thumb and finger. Heregarded his portion with chagrin while Miss Gaskett went offtriumphantly to make a sandwich.

  Mr. Stott with his usual enterprise and shrewdness had gotten next tothe tail-board, where he stood munching and reviewing the food with aneye to his next selection. He was astonished to see Miss Mercy's alpinehat rising, as it were, from the earth at his feet to crowd him from hisdesirable position. As she stood up she jabbed him in the nostril withthe quill, and Mr. Stott gave ground before he realized it. Miss Mercysnickered in appreciation of the cleverness of her manoeuvre.

  As Wallie observed them while waiting his opportunity to get a dillpickle or whatever crumb they might leave him, he thought grimly that ifthey had been without food for twenty-four hours instead of less thanhalf a dozen, they would have been close to cannibalism. He, for one,would not care to be adrift in an open boat with Mrs. Budlong--hungryand armed with a hatchet--while Stott, he was sure would murder him fora frankfurter in those circumstances.

  Aunt Lizzie, to whom
accidents of an unusual nature seemed always to behappening, wandered off with a wedge of pie and a cup of coffee and satdown on an ant-hill.

  While she sipped her coffee and drank in the scenery simultaneously, theinhabitants of the hill came out in swarms to investigate the monsterwho was destroying their home. They attacked her with the ferocity forwhich red ants are noted, and she dropped her pie and coffee and ranscreaming to the wagon.

  Fearful that she would be pursued by them, she got into the surrey,where she became involved in a quarrel with Miss Mercy, who was eatingher lunch there.

  Miss Mercy caught a butterfly that lighted on a seat-cover and pulledoff first one wing and then the other in spite of Aunt Lizzie'sentreaties. She dropped it on the bottom of the surrey and put herastonishingly large foot upon it.

  "There," she snickered, "I squashed it."

  Aunt Lizzie, to whom anything alive was as if it were human, wrung herhands in anguish.

  "I think you are horrid!"

  "What good is it?"

  "What good are you, either? I shan't ride with you." Aunt Lizzie climbedinto the third seat of the surrey, where she refused to answer MissMercy when she spoke to her.

  The rest and food freshened the party considerably but by four o'clockthey were again hungry and drooping in their saddles. Only Mr. Stott,endowed, as it seemed, with the infinite wisdom of the Almighty,retained his spirits and kept up an unending flow of instructiveconversation upon topics of which he had the barest smattering ofknowledge. Constantly dashing off on his part to investigate gulches andside trails caused Wallie's smouldering wrath to burn brighter, as thebuckskin hourly grew more jaded.

  Complaints increased that their horses were hard-gaited, and the voicesof the ladies held plaintive notes as they declared their intention ofriding in the surrey when they overtook it. Pinkey was stopped finally,and his passengers augmented by the addition of Mrs. Stott, MissGaskett, and Mrs. Budlong, who carefully folded their jackets to sit on.

  At five o'clock Mr. Stott raced forward and returned to announce thatHicks had camped just around the bend of the river.

  "You're wearing that horse out, Stott," said Wallie, coldly.

  "He's feeling good--watch him!" cried the lawyer, gaily, putting spursto the horse and disappearing.

  It was a beautiful camping spot that Hicks had selected, though "Red"McGonnigle grumbled that it was not level enough for the teepees.

  Old Mr. Penrose, who had fallen off his horse rather than dismounted,declared he was so tired that he could sleep on the teeth of a harrow,like a babe in its cradle.

  "We'll be all right when we get seasoned," said Mr. Appel, cheerfully,hunting in his wife's handbag for the vaseline.

  "You couldn't have a better place to start in at," "Red" commented,grimly.

  On the whole, the day might be regarded as a pleasant one, and if theremainder of the trip equalled it, there was no doubt but that the partywould return satisfied, which meant that they would advertise it and thenext season would be even more successful.

  Everyone carried wood to build a camp-fire after supper, but by the timethey had it going they were too sleepy to sit up and enjoy it. Theystumbled away to their several teepees with their eyes half closed andfor the first time since they had known each other failed to say"pleasant dreams!" when separating for the night.

  Mr. Stott lingered to regale Pinkey and Wallie for the fourteenth timewith the story of the hoot-owl which had frightened him while hunting inFlorida, but since it was received without much enthusiasm and he wasnot encouraged to tell another, he, too, retired to crawl between hisblankets and "sleep on Nature's bosom" with most of his clothes on.

  "I wouldn't wonder but that we'll have to hit him between the hornsbefore the trip is over," Pinkey remarked, looking after Stott.

  Wallie said nothing, but his face spoke for him.

  Pinkey continued in a tone of satisfaction:

  "Outside of him, everything's goin' splendid. The Yellowstone Park isthe fightin'est place anybody ever heard of. I've seen life-timefriends go in there campin' and come out enemies--each one sittin' onhis own grub-box and not speakin'. But it don't look as if we was goin'to have any serious trouble--they're nice people."

  "And they think the world of me," Wallie reiterated.

  "I've been thinkin' I could lose the horses for two or three days andthat would count up considerable. Ten dudes at $5.00 a day for threedays, say---- Oh, we're sittin' pretty! We'll come out of this witha roll as big as a gambler's."

  "It _looks_ encouraging," Wallie replied more guardedly, though in hisheart he was sharing Pinkey's optimism.

  They kicked out the camp-fire and rolled up in their respectiveblankets, Pinkey to die temporarily, and Wallie to lie awake listeningto the roar of the river and speculating as to whether Helene Spenceleyhad any special prejudice against the dude business.

  Of course, he admitted, had he a choice in the matter, he would havepreferred to have been an ambassador, a lawyer of internationalreputation, even a great artist; but for a start, as the foundation of afortune, dudes were at least as good as _herring_.

  With this consoling thought, Wallie turned over on a pillow which wouldhave engaged the earnest attention of the most lax health officer, andfell into a contented slumber.