“What, exactly, is he keeping under wraps for you, Rod?” He needs to get to the point. I can’t hold my breath much longer.
“He can give me the name and location of Landen’s biological father. I know you haven’t made up your mind yet, but if you decide to pursue charges, I want to make it as painless for you and Landen as possible. You deserve to feel safe and protected. You shouldn’t have to worry about running into him out anywhere. He should be behind bars if not six feet underground.” The more he talks, the redder his face becomes and the further away his eyes appear.
“Rod, I don’t know if it’s a good idea for you to have that information. I’m not so sure you won’t go find him yourself.”
“You’re exactly right, and I’ve already planned for that. I hired a private investigator who used to be a detective with the county sheriff’s department. Gabe’s supposed to pass the information on to him. The investigator will track the guy down and dig up any other dirt we need. If you decide to take this to the police, we’ll hand them an air-tight case to open, throw the book at the bastard, and close it out as a win for the good guys.”
I lean back in the chair, breathless. My mind is racing. I was not expecting the turn this conversation has taken. Do I want to find my attacker? Do I want to press charges? Do I want to be a court spectacle and have my private life become fodder for his attorney to use against me? Besides myself, I have to consider how all this will affect Landen one day, whether he knows the man’s name and whether that man is sent to prison for what he did to me. There are so many variables and no way to know which path will be the best in the long run.
“Now it’s your turn to talk to me. You’re not usually this quiet after I share something in confidence with you, especially about something so important. Are you mad at me?”
“No, I’m not mad. How could I be when I know your heart is in the right place? This is a hard decision to make. There’s so much to consider first. If nothing else, I can say Gabriel kept his word regarding the reason for your visit. Juliana was taken aback by him asking about her and Isa, but he didn’t mention anything about this. She couldn’t figure out why you’d approach Gabe after all these years with no contact at all.”
“I honestly never even considered he’d stir the pot and cause any problems. He left of his own choice. In hindsight, I suppose I could’ve warned her, but your story isn’t mine to tell anyone else. She still wouldn’t have all the background on why Gabe is the only one who can help me right now.”
“When you hear back from your private investigator, tell me what he’s found. Maybe the information he uncovers will help me decide which path to take. If this guy has found some way to redeem himself, maybe we drop it. If he’s still a sorry piece of shit, maybe we pursue it.”
“If you want to send him to prison, I will be at your side every step of the way. If it gets to be too much for you, let me bear the load. If you don’t want to step outside and face the world, you’re safe right here with me. You and I will do this together. You’ll never be alone in it again.”
The same questions return to taunt me.
Miss Nash, is your current lover aware you’re pregnant with his child? No? Will you turn on him years later and claim he raped you too?
I don’t have to be a psychic to see where this will end up.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Rod
“Hey, Jules.”
After my talk with Daisy, she encouraged me to call my sister and gave permission for me to share the entire story with her. Juliana is eerily quiet as I remind her about the events of that night and reveal the person who rode to the hospital with us was Daisy. Reliving the details sickens and infuriates me, but Juliana needs to understand the full magnitude of the situation.
“That was Daisy with us that night? I can’t believe it. The details are still fuzzy for me, but I never would’ve guessed. So, that’s why you went to see Gabe? To find out who assaulted Daisy?” Her voice is weaker than usual, but her words are clear and concise. There’s no slurring when she speaks, so that is a positive sign.
“Yes, that’s exactly why I went to see him. I’m sorry my visit stirred up painful memories for you. He surprised me by asking around about you and Isa. His choice was pretty clear a few years ago.” My actions caused her more pain and problems than she’s already dealing with, and knowing I made her feel this way is killing me. I’d never intentionally hurt my baby sister.
“His choice was crystal clear. He probably just wants to hear we’re better off without him, so he can put his guilty conscience to rest. There’s nothing left here for him to be concerned about. I’ve sent word back to him to move on with his life and forget Isa and I ever existed. He’s done that without a hitch for five long years. There’s no reason to change course now. I sure as hell don’t want him coming around and confusing Isa with his vanishing act.”
She’s hiding the pain of his rejection and the humiliation of his desertion behind a wall of anger. By pretending not to care, she thinks she’s protecting her heart and pride. I recognize the signs because I did the same thing. But I have a sneaking suspicion she’d run into his arms if he showed up and was repentant for his actions.
“Gabe had his own demons to deal with, Jules. He wasn’t strong enough to face them head on. Everyone has their breaking point. Gabe had to hit rock bottom on his own. I’m just thankful he didn’t take you and Isa to the pits of hell with him. Five years ago, you would’ve followed him if you’d had the chance.” She was young, inexperienced, and madly in love with that boy. He was her first love and she never really got over him, even to this day. She’s just more protective of Isa than she is of her own well-being.
“You’re right, I probably would have. I would’ve tried to save him from himself, or died trying, if he’d stuck around. But I’m stronger and wiser now, and I won’t be swayed by that handsome face, dashing smile, and excellent ass.” She threw that last part in just to rile me up. I’m not falling for her attempt to bait me. “Besides, I have enough on my plate to deal with for the foreseeable future. I don’t have time to add him to my list of things that need my attention.”
“Well, since I started his, let me know if I need to have another conversation with him to put a stop to this nonsense.”
“If he doesn’t take the hint from my message back to him, I’ll let you know.”
We talk for a while longer, focusing on her health, treatment, and prognosis for the future instead of dwelling on the past any longer. She’s confident she’ll find a donor relatively soon, and I can’t douse the flames of her hope by pointing out she’s growing weaker by the day. Soon for me would be tomorrow, while she’s referring to it in terms of weeks and months.
The problem is, I don’t think we have that long.
Daisy is lifting Isa out of the tub when I finally find her after finishing my call with Jules. “Thank you for bathing her. You didn’t have to, though. I didn’t ask you to stay here tonight to make you do more work than you already do.”
“I don’t mind, Rod. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t want to help.”
I take Isa from Daisy’s arms and set her on the counter. After I’ve combed and dried her hair, Daisy and I tuck her in then say goodnight to Landen too. As I close Landen’s door, I turn to Daisy to share my concern.
“I’m losing her, Daisy. Juliana is growing sicker by the minute. I’m afraid it’s time we start making preparations for her final wishes. Find out about making her comfortable for the time she has left so her last days are more enjoyable. Make lasting memories for Isa to hold on to for the rest of her life. I’ve already handed the reins of my company over to Kevin for the time being, so this means I’ll be completely unavailable while he’s in charge. I’m one-hundred-percent okay with that.” I realize I’m rambling, but I can’t stop. If I stop talking, I’ll have to concentrate on what I said, and my heart and mind aren’t ready for that yet.
“Rod, take a breath.” She puts her fingers over my lip
s. “You and I have a few things we need to discuss. I’ve put this off long enough, and now I realize it was more selfish of me than I ever imagined. Let’s go sit down.”
“You do realize that in the history of the world, every conversation that started with ‘we need to talk’ resulted in utter destruction. In fact, I’m pretty sure I read that’s how all the ancient civilizations ended. Are you sure we need to tempt the fates like that?”
“Yes, I’ll chance it. Come on. We need to talk.” She takes my hand and leads the way downstairs to the den.
When we’re seated on the couch, she turns to me and takes my hands. She can’t bring herself to meet my gaze. Instead, she’s solely focused on my hands, tracing the lines on my fingers with complete dedication. I never realized they were so fascinating.
“Daisy, it’s me. Whatever’s on your mind, you can tell me. Don’t be afraid to talk to me. I thought we’d moved past that. There’s nothing but complete honesty between us, no matter what happens, and we’ll figure out together.” I try to remind and encourage her of our solid relationship standing.
The grimace on her face in response doesn’t bode well for me.
“I know it’s you, Rod. That’s what makes this so hard to confess.” She takes a deep breath and slowly releases it, readying herself to blurt out whatever horrible secret she’s keeping. “Damn it. This is harder than I thought it would be.”
“Just say it. Out with it, right now.” I’m mentally preparing to have my heart ripped in two. I’m not good enough for her. That’s been apparent from the moment we first met.
“Promise you won’t get mad at me?” She’s throwing my request back at me.
“No, but I promise to hear you out.” I smile reassuringly.
“Before Christmas, I went to be tested to see if I’m a donor match for Juliana. While we were at my parents’ house, I received a call from her doctor’s office. The nurse told me I am a tissue match, but I can’t donate my bone marrow to her for a few more months… because I’m pregnant.”
In the span of twenty seconds, I went from fear to elation to disbelief to panic to rage. Now I’m fuming. I jerk my hands away from hers then run my fingers over my face and through my hair. Unable to sit still, I bolt from my seat and start pacing the room, back and forth at a speed that rivals Olympic runners.
She’s still talking, but I have no idea what she’s saying. Not one word makes it to my ears intact. Broken syllables and incoherent sounds are all that surround me. She said she’s a match. A lifesaving, future-altering, ray of sunshine in a bleak world, tissue match. Then she snatched that hope away from me with one word. “But.” Then she revealed a little surprise—she’s pregnant. Is the baby even mine? She was seeing some other guy after our island excursion.
“Let me get this straight. You’ve known for weeks you’re a tissue match for my dying sister, but you only decided to share that piece of crucial information with me tonight. Why? Why would you keep that from me?” I’m glad the kids are sound asleep upstairs because I can’t control the volume of my voice. “We promised each other total honesty. That’s what you wanted, and I’ve kept up my end of the deal. But you break it with… with… this?”
“I’ve been wrestling with this myself, Rod. It’s been a lot to take in—”
“Don’t patronize me. Accepting my sister’s death is a lot to take in, but I still talked to you about it.”
“You’re right, you did. I’m sorry for waiting so long to tell you everything. There hasn’t been a clear-cut, easy path for me in any of this. I want to save Juliana too.”
“But you can’t because you’re pregnant.” I can’t stop the accusing tone that escapes my lips.
Her lips part and she gasps as if the wind was just knocked out of her. I’ve wounded her in my tirade. But she wounded me first. “That’s right. They can’t extract bone marrow until after the baby is born.”
“And when will that be? How far along are you? How much longer does Juliana have to suffer and try to hold on to a tiny spark of life?” Daggers fly from my eyes as I mentally calculate the number of weeks we’ve been together. “Is it even mine?”
She hesitates.
“Of course it’s yours, and you damn well know it. If I’m right, I’d say I’m about three and a half months along now.”
Her answer is totally unexpected.
“Wait. That means you’ve been pregnant since Punta Cana. But you didn’t know before the tissue type testing a couple of weeks before Christams?”
“That’s right—on both counts. I had no idea. The birth control I was on stopped my periods completely, other than some spotting here and there. There’s always a small chance of still getting pregnant, but since you also used protection, I had no reason to worry. But there was that one time in the shower… I guess once is all it took.”
Something still seems off here. What do I not know?
“What else, Daisy? What do you not want to tell me? There’s something else, I can feel it in my gut.”
She wipes her palms on her pants and rocks back and forth in her seat. “Tracy isn’t pregnant. The test you found was mine. She went along with it to protect me. Christmas Eve morning, I had a frank conversation with Kevin to explain why Tracy was lying for me. I also told him I was considering terminating the pregnancy so I could be a donor for Juliana right away, but I didn’t want to tell either of you and ruin your Christmas.
“Jules walked in, overheard what I’d said, and expressly forbade me from even telling you that was an option. She wants to meet her niece or nephew. But she wasn’t the only reason I considered not having the baby. You and I aren’t exactly on the same page all the time, and I simply didn’t know how you’d handle the news and extra responsibilities.”
Her words seep into my soul and I feel like I’m an atom bomb about to explode. “I have to get out of here for a while. Please stay with the kids until I return. At this moment, I can’t say when that will be. I need space and time alone to think, get all this sorted out in my mind, and calm down.”
Though I’ve used my calm, direct, boardroom tone, every cell inside me is like a miniature volcano, continuously erupting, spewing hot lava into my veins and keeping me on edge. I may eventually erupt and release all this pent-up frustration that’s been buried deep inside me since I was a kid.
“Um, okay. Are you coming back tonight?” Her voice is timid, like the expression I see in her eyes.
“I don’t know when I’ll be back. I don’t know what I’m doing. All I know is I need to go. Somewhere. Anywhere away from here.” I grab my keys and stomp toward the garage door.
“Don’t do this to us, Rod. We’re one beating heart. Remember what you said? Remember your promises? Please don’t tear us apart. I need you as much as you need me. We’re in this together now.”
Despite her words and her pleas, I turn and walk out the door. Seated in my car, I floor the gas pedal and speed off into the night. On autopilot, I let my subconscious take me to the place where I need to go. Before long, familiar surroundings flood my senses, and I pull over to the side of the road to park.
I’m in my old neighborhood where I grew up with my mom, dad, and sister all under the same roof. A time when life made more sense plays like a movie in my mind. Before Juliana became sick the first time. Before my dad split. Before my mom died. A time when I was allowed to be a carefree kid who was loved by his family and had no reason to distrust the entire world. When I felt safe, secure, and protected by my parents’ love.
This area is mostly dilapidated houses now. These homes fell into disrepair during the real estate market collapse and resulting recession. They were abandoned as lost causes. The area never recovered its original luster and appeal. Many are empty or boarded up to keep vandals and wandering teenagers out. But at one time in my life, this was my home. I exit the car and walk around in the dark, remembering the way by heart rather than by sight. The smattering of trees that separates this subdivision from the neighboring o
ne served as our fort for many games. The trails were perfect for riding bikes and pretending we were in a deep, dark forest. In reality, getting lost in here would’ve been impossible—every direction leads back to a house. But our childhood imaginations were boundless.
I walk the trails and the streets until dawn, reliving much of my childhood while contemplating how vastly different my life turned out from anything I thought it would be.
“Wow. You are the spitting image of Chris Stone. Are you any relation to him?” The male voice behind me startles me. I thought I was alone wandering through this dilapidated house.
“Yeah. He was my father until he abandoned his family when we needed him most. How do you know him?” I turn and face the haggard, aged man squatting in the condemned structure.
“Chris comes here frequently. He brings us food, blankets, and medicine sometimes. He helps take care of us—the people no one wants around anymore.” He scratches his unkempt beard, clearly a bit uneasy with the information I shared. “I’m surprised to hear he abandoned you. He doesn’t seem the type. Maybe he learned his lesson and wants to atone for what he did before. We all have our demons.”
“Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know. I haven’t talked to him in twenty years.” But this old man’s sentiments are an echo of the words Daisy used regarding her attacker.
“Maybe you should. Maybe then you wouldn’t be visiting this place in the middle of the night. What are you looking for, son?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’m trying to figure out who I am by retracing who I used to be. Maybe I’m looking for simplicity in the middle of utter chaos. Maybe I’m just looking for answers when I don’t even know what the fucking questions are.” My reply is unexpected, even to me, but it’s exactly what’s on my mind right now.
“There’s only one answer you ever need to know. Love. Love covers a multitude of wrongs. Someone hurt you. You hurt someone else. You’re ashamed of things you’ve done to others. You can’t forgive someone else for the things they’ve done to you. The only thing that can make everything right again is love. If you have that, you are rich indeed.”
All of Me: Rod & Daisy Duet Box Set Page 41