Cold Determination

by Jennifer Lyons

  The line was large even with two people working it. During the summer, no animal had to wait long because Peter and I checked the traps in the mornings and afternoons. Thanks to the nuisance of school, we now only had the afternoons to check the traps. It was awful. It sounded as if some animal had been there all night. I didn’t like the sound. It was angry, hostile at its own stupidity for getting caught. It was scared. Animals weren’t stupid—it knew its life was over. Above all that, it was in pain. Peter looked unnerved, but we headed towards the noise anyways. Peter grabbed a heavy stick.

  There, in our first trap was a small fox. It was beautiful. Its red hair glinted in the sunlight, and the black tipped ears shone. Its right rear foot was caught and mangled. Judging by its sluggish movements, it had struggled through the night and morning. The fox would lie down, panting, breathing deep for air, and closed its eyes. While he was laying there, it looked as if he was trying to forget he was trapped. Then, he would catch his breath and leap far into the air, shaking its foot madly, trying to free itself from the trap. Next, he bit his own leg, all the while making the most horrible noise. Peter and I had trapped for nearly two years. We were used to the noises and death brought to those animals, but this one unnerved us.

  We didn’t watch long. Peter ran down to it and clubbed it twice. I was so grateful the horrible noise stopped. I believe the fox was grateful as well—it never even fought back. The rest of the lines were empty.

  The fox left us a beautiful little pelt. That old woman paid double the normal price. I could tell Peter was glad for that. As we made our way home, I noticed the sun was already gone, and the evening was cold. I wished we had our coats. Peter was rubbing his arms too. Winter was nearly here.

  Our building was cold that night. The radiators hadn’t been turned on, and I was glad we slept over the kitchen. It would be warmer that way. Mama was in a hurry that night. She was distracted by something she didn’t want to share with us. She tried to smile her way through dinner and asked us about school and Miss Fink. That pinching feeling in my stomach was there, and she didn’t eat much. I could tell Peter noticed too.

  Mr. Joclav was in our hallway. We didn’t see him until after we had climbed the stairs. Peter glared at him, but I lowered my eyes. I couldn’t remember the last time we even saw him. I had almost forgotten the greasy hair, stained teeth, and his grizzled chin. Mama put us behind her and, though her step slowed, she led us towards our room, key at the ready.

  Mr. Joclav blocked the entire hallway. Mama made herself as small as possible, edging by him, but he leaned in. It made hair on the back of my neck stand straight up. Peter’s hands were in fists.

  “It’s getting cold out, Kat. Supposed to be the coldest winter in a decade; is that worth anything this year?” His voice was soft, daring, and threatening. I could tell Mama didn’t like him so close. She didn’t answer, and he roughly grabbed her left arm, pulling her close to him. He looked her up and down, “That room was good for one year. The next payment is almost due.”

  Releasing her, he grinned down at Peter and me, then sauntered off down the hall. Mama was shaking so much she dropped the key. I picked it up and unlocked our door. None of us spoke. We readied for bed and climbed in. It was warm with all three of us there, but Mama shook for a long time that night.

  I tried to forget about Mr. Joclav in the hallway and so did Peter and Mama. Maybe he was wrong and winter wouldn’t be so bad this year. Maybe we wouldn’t even need heat in our room.

  Nils noticed Mama was worried at church that Sunday, though. I heard him ask her about it, and she finally told him she was worried for the cold. She told him the cold scared her. He just nodded. When we got back to our building, Mr. Joclav was in the kitchen door.

  “Well howdy, stranger,” he said too loudly to Nils. “Now, why are you hanging around out back here when we have a nice place up front?” It wasn’t a question, and Nils didn’t answer. “I see you know our Kat. You know, she been workin’ here, what is it, Kat? Nearly two years? One of my best girls.” I saw my mother looked to the ground, ashamed. “At least, that’s what I think. Of course, she has a debt to pay. It comes due every year around this time, so I don’t know if she will be around much longer. It’s worth it though, ain’t it, Kitty? It gets cold and people get sick. They die. Best to pay your debt early; keep everyone safe that way.” I had never heard anyone call our mother Kitty. I didn’t like the way he said it.

  Nor, it seemed, did Nils and Peter. They both stood, glaring at Mr. Joclav and Mama stood, shoulders and head down. I thought I saw a tear on her cheek. Nils noticed too. His look changed from anger to understanding. He saw my mother there with her two boys, raw red hands, and head bent in shame. If he was looking at Mr. Joclav with distaste before, he was looking at him with absolute hate now. Nils put his hat back on and never dropped his gaze from Mr. Joclav. Mr. Joclav put a heavy arm around Mama’s thin shoulders.

  I thought Nils would lose all control, but he stood his ground. He told Mr. Joclav to remove his arm. I never understood why, but Mr. Joclav removed his arm. Then, he went inside without another word.

  “Katarzyna, I am here for you,” Nils whispered, but Peter and I could still hear. He didn’t wrap his arms around our mother, he only lifted her chin so she looked into her eyes. “You are not of this place; you are not that man’s.” He left us then. Mama’s eyes closed briefly and she ushered us inside. Thankfully, Mr. Joclav was nowhere to be seen.

  Miss Kate and Miss Vicki were there to help. They made Mama sit and brought her something warm to drink. Her shoulders were shaking again. Miss Kate asked us about our traps, but I overheard Miss Vicki talking to Mama.

  “Kat, you will have to pay, we all do. It’s too cold to survive anywhere else, and how can you save any money with two children to look for? You can’t leave. It won’t be as bad as last year. We can plan this time. I can slip something into his drink, calm him down. You can do this,” Miss Vicki held Mama’s white hands. She got up and walked around the back of Mama and held her shoulders. Mama sat there and cried. She didn’t even try to hide it. Miss Kate stopped talking and the three of us watched Miss Vicki hold Mama, trying to keep her shoulders from shaking.

  Mama tried to talk in between sobs and it was hard to understand her. In between her Polish and hiccups, I understood enough. She missed our papa, she missed our Rosie, and she missed being our mother. Miss Kate got up first, but Peter and I were right behind her. The four of us held onto her, letting her cry it out until she was done. She drew a deep, rasping breath in and told Miss Vicki she was tired. I saw Mr. Joclav peer in with a satisfied grin on his ugly mouth.

  Miss Vicki told Miss Kate to help Mama up to our room and she told us boys to go on outside. “I will take care of her today; you go and do whatever you do in the afternoons. We will watch over her.” We trusted her, so we left. Ominously, we didn’t catch anything that day.

  Nils was sitting in the restaurant when Peter and I walked back. He and Mr. Joclav were glaring at each other from across the place. Nils food was in front of him, untouched. Judging from the look on Nils’ face, I wasn’t too sure he was aware his food was in front of him. We didn’t hang around there.

  Miss Kate brought Peter and I our dinner, “They been out there awhile, lookin’ at each other like that. Nils never said nothing to Mr. Joclav. Mr. Joclav never said nothing to Nils. I don’t know what’s gonna happen.” Peter raised his eyebrows at me.

  Miss Vicki told us to go upstairs as soon as our tray was empty even though we had taken our time with eating that night. We made our way slowly through the kitchen ignoring Miss Vicki’s orders to hurry up. Nils was still out there and so was Mr. Jocalv. As soon we were out of the kitchen, we ran up the stairs. Mama was already asleep. Peter and I were careful not to wake her. Our building was louder than ever that night.

  The next Sunday, Nils was waiting for us outside the church. I thought Mama looked extra special that day. She had taken the time to braid her hair and her eyes w
ere bright. Nils was standing there, hat in hands, watching, patient as ever. He didn’t turn towards the church as normal but led us off towards the city park. Peter looked surprised when Mama didn’t complain. It was a nice autumn day. There was hardly any wind and it was warm. The trees were turning and the town was quiet. Normally, Peter and I would run on ahead, but today we followed Nils and Mama. They took their time talking so quietly that Peter and I couldn’t hear. We ended up beneath a large tree near the creek. Peter and I ran to the water, tossing in stones and small sticks, ignoring Mama and Nils. Finally, bored with our little water games, we turned back towards them.

  Nils was kissing Mama.

  Engaged

  Mama and Nils were engaged, Mama explained one day a few weeks after the park day. “Engaged means Nils and I will marry, and the four of us will be a family.” I didn’t know what to think of that. I thought Nils was very nice and Peter liked him, too. I had a few doubts, though. We were the leftovers from our family. I wasn’t too sure how to fit Nils in and as much as Peter said he liked Nils, I could tell he wasn’t sure either. Was Nils our new papa?

  Peter didn’t ask any questions, and I wasn’t ready to ask mine. We just gave Mama a hug and climbed into bed. As I rolled over, I stared at the wall thinking a long time.

  Ever since the terrible day when we left Rosie in the cold ground, life had been different. Everything changed. Papa died and we had to leave our house. I didn’t think our home now was so bad. After all, we saw Mama every day and there was enough food. Our room was small but warm. What could Nils offer to make our life better?

  I wasn’t sure Nils could make our lives better. Peter and I were doing good in school and with our trapping. I didn’t want to give up fishing in the afternoons. I liked our freedom. I wasn’t sure I wanted to give up all that. If Mama married Nils, where would he sleep? Our room was too small for another person. Those questions kept me awake a long time that night, and I didn’t hear Mama or Peter sleeping much either.

  Miss Kate asked Peter and me about Nils a few days later as she got us our dinner tray. Normally, Peter and I took the tray. After a little while, we were joined by Miss Vicki or Miss Kate or Mama. We normally ate our dinners in a small crook, just off the kitchen. There were three steps down making it perfect for balancing the tray on our knee while we sat on a short step eating. Miss Kate sat on the step above us watching.

  “So, ya like him?” As usual, Miss Kate was very direct.

  I nodded. I really did like Nils. Peter nodded too.

  “That’s good. Course, I never knew your papa but I never seen Kat smile like this either.” Miss Kate made a good point there. I hadn’t seen Mama this happy in a long time either. Her shoulders weren’t sagging all the time and the dark circles under her eyes were not quite so dark. “Nils is a good guy to take you two in, that’s for sure.” Miss Kate rubbed my shoulder, got up, and walked away.

  “You know, she’s right,” Peter told me. “Think about it. Nils isn’t as old as Mama, he doesn’t have any kids. He’s awfully nice to us. I don’t think he’s the sort of guy that hits or yells too much either. Not like some men who help women.” Peter’s voice grew dark. I knew he was talking about Mr. Joclav.

  I knew Peter was right. Nils was a good person. We never heard him yell, and I don’t think he was one to hit. He always talked softly and held his hat in hand.

  “What will happen, though? Where will we live? Will Nils live with us?” I asked.

  Peter shook his head. “I’m not sure; we never saw where he lives.”

  Peter and I only knew a few things about Nils. He worked for the railroad and he must have been really strong because his arms and hands were huge. He laid railroad ties. Miss Vicki told us it was a good job, and Miss Kate said he was rich. Mama told us the truth.

  “Nils came to this country just the same as your papa and I. He was looking for a new life, for something better. He got here and he found out how tough it is to make a new life, just like your papa and I found. But Nils, he didn’t want to mine, so he found a job working for the railroad. It is a good job, with clean air and not as dangerous as mining. It is hard work, though. They pay well and have a savings system. It will let Nils save for later in life, when he doesn’t want to work anymore. Nils is not rich but Nils does well for this life.” Mama wasn’t boasting but she looked pleased.

  I think Mama worried it was too good to be true. Small things bothered her like never before. Our room was always clean but now it was immaculate. She wanted the bed made perfectly. It was to be kept very straight. She wanted the curtain pulled back just right. We were shushed so often we nearly forgot how to talk. We weren’t allowed to talk about Nils anywhere but outside the building or in our room. Miss Kate and Miss Vicki stopped asking us so many questions. They just winked and smiled at us a lot. That part was fun. It was like we all shared a big secret.

  Peter and I went to school. We never told anyone about Nils. We were too busy to talk much anyways. Our trapping line was busier than ever and the fishing was good each day. We were too busy to talk about it all. The next Saturday, Nils followed us out to our fishing hole.

  Nils sat opposite us and chewed on a blade of grass for some time. Finally, he said, “I asked your mama to marry me. The first time I saw her, I was riding the trolley car. I had just moved to town. She was standing on the sidewalk. She was so beautiful; I had never seen anyone like her before. I couldn’t forget her. I felt like I had to know her. I found out her name and then I found out she has two boys. I know your papa was a good man and I am sorry you lost him.”

  Peter and I watched Nils, wondering what he was going to say next. Surely, he knew Mama told us they were getting married.

  “I can’t marry your mama without asking you boys first. I need to know you boys are all right with the idea. I love her and I want to marry her, but she was your mama first.” I liked how Nils always treated us like we were his equals. “So, is it alright with you boys if I marry her?”

  I looked at Nils closely. He was a tall man. He had brown hair and kind, brown eyes. I felt good about him being married to our mama but I had a few questions. “Well, Nils, I think it’s fine you marry Mama. I just don’t know where you’re gonna sleep. Our bed’s awful crowded and our room is so tiny. There’s hardly room for us.”

  Nils could have laughed at my simple question. Instead, he looked into my eyes and then into Peter’s. “Well, I’m afraid if we get married, you boys will have to move again. Your mama told me about your room and how small it is. You’re right, I don’t think another person will fit. If you come with me, I want to show you something.”

  Nils stood up and put his hat on and started off towards town. Peter and I scrambled to collect our things. We had to run to catch up with him. Nils walked right onto the main street, then continued up towards the part of town Peter and I tried to stay away from.

  This part of town boasted new houses. Each house was a neat square with a large window and chimney. Neat square yards accompanied each. The houses were all the same but some were white and some were yellow. None of the houses were connected, and there were no big buildings like ours on this street. Peter and I knew some boys from this part of town. They were nice. Nils walked almost to the end of the street. I wondered what we were doing here.

  He stopped in front of a white squared house with blue trim. He waited for us and pointed, “This is where I thought we’d live. I bought it a few weeks ago and have been putting furniture in it.” Nils watched us as we looked over the house. “I haven’t shown your mama yet; it’s supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to surprise all of you, but you boys deserve to know where your new home will be.”

  I didn’t know what to say; Peter kept quiet too. Nils walked around to the back of the house and opened a door. “Here is the kitchen. And if you boys come inside, I can show you the rest.”

  Our house had its own kitchen, its own bathroom, complete with running water. There were two bedrooms. It had a living room wi
th a couch and two chairs. The kitchen had a table and four chairs. One bedroom had one big bed and the other held two smaller beds. What would Mama do with all those rooms, I wondered. Peter asked who else would be living with us.

  Nils smiled, “Well, for now, this house is just for us four. I suppose if anyone else comes along or needs a place to stay, we can decide then.” Nils beckoned us out and locked the door. We followed Nils back to our building.

  On our way, I asked him when he would marry our mama. He said they hadn’t set a date but he wanted to as soon as possible.

  As we walked up to our building, I noticed it was much more gray than white. When we went inside, I realized how dirty the kitchen was.

  “I sure hope they get a move on things,” Peter whispered as we waited for Mama to fry up our fish. “That place looks nice, and I think Mama will like the blue paint.” I was too afraid to talk out loud much—I didn’t want to give away the surprise.

  Somehow, I kept my mouth shut all the next week. Mama asked why I was so quiet and even worried I was sick, but I kept my word. I never told. On Friday morning, she told us to come right home after school. “And boys, I mean right after you leave school. We have plans this afternoon,” Mama grinned at us.

  Peter and I ran off laughing—we never knew Mama knew we cut class every day.

  We left the schoolyard right at noon and ran all the way back to our building. We were very excited—we never had plans before. Miss Vicki met us at the kitchen door.

  She whispered, “I am looking after you for a bit. Your mama is already gone. You boys come inside but be quiet.” Miss Vicki was acting strange, we lived here after all. She didn’t have to sneak us in or look after us. We could just go to our room if Mama wasn’t here. She hurried us up the stairs, towards the washroom. “Your things are already in there, you two be quick and wash up. Put your clean clothes on.”