Cold Determination

by Jennifer Lyons

  I grabbed that dirty uniform I had worn all day yesterday and removed the ribbon rack, the pins, and my belt. I went through the pants pockets. I unbuttoned all the buttons and went through the shirt pockets. Then, I felt it and remembered.

  Inna had slipped me that card, and I stored it in my shirt pocket. Only her name and address were recorded on it. She was in some small town in North Dakota. I knew where to find her.

  I put the card down, then picked it up. Her writing resembled her. It was even and neat, void of frills. I put the card down again.

  I needed to get to her. I needed to get to North Dakota. First, I needed to work to pay for that. If I was going out there, I needed a ring. I needed some plan to live if I was going to marry her.

  I brought the wash down and thanked Mama. Then, I left the house. Nils must have been at work because I didn’t see him anywhere. I walked down the path towards the creek. I grabbed my fishing pole and found all my old spots. Before long, I had six good-sized fish. I cleaned them and brought them back to the house. I knew Mama would like that. I dropped the catch off in the kitchen sink and walked out the front door. I knew where to go to find work.

  Miss Kate had aged and not well. She was still beautiful, she always would be, but her skin was folded and creased. She was too thin. Her hair had lost all its shine. She held her arms opened wide and kissed my cheek. I turned as she went for my mouth.

  “I saw Peter last night and asked if you were home too. How are you, Jurak?” She stood with her arms folded, grinning up at me. She couldn’t wait for me to answer; she was excited to tell me her own news. “I don’t think I’ll move to the ocean anymore. I’ve been workin’ here while you was out fightin’. I own the place now and rent out the rooms. I keep the gardens goin’. I think I’ll stay here forever.” She was proud of all she’d done and she had done a lot. I was proud of her too. I told her so.

  “Miss Kate, I need help. I got a girl I got to go find but I need a car. Before that, I need a job. Got anything I can do?” I had been right to go to her. Miss Kate had me to work in an hour’s time, fencing in her gardens. I guess the deer had been getting in, and she wanted to keep them out.

  I worked for Miss Kate for four weeks. After putting in that fence, I repaired most of the rooms in the house. It was a lot of work. All of the rooms were in need of paint. The stairs needed repairs. After I finished all that, Miss Kate wanted me to look at the kitchen. I rehung most of the cabinet doors and straightened the shelving. Inna was always on my mind.

  After a month, Miss Kate had a surprise for me. Somewhere, somehow, she had found me a car. It was nothing fancy but it ran—it would get me to Inna. She gave me my pay and kissed me on the cheek. “Now, go get your Inna, Jurak. Love each other enough for all of us.”

  As I drove away, I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw her wipe her cheek.

  I drove most of that night and made it to one of the ugliest, small-town main streets I had ever been through. North Dakota was flat, and this town was set right on it like it had never settled into the land. There were a few trees but they were small, starved looking things. The buildings couldn’t have been more than twenty or thirty years old but were so sun-bleached and wind-blown, they looked older. When I pulled in to the only filling station, a man walked out real slow. He asked who I was and where I was going.

  I told him I was looking for Inna and asked if he knew where to go from there. He looked me up. Then, he looked me down. I guess I didn’t look too bad because he pointed northwards. “Go about five miles; ya can’t miss it.” Then, he took my money and went back inside.

  I glanced up the road and took a deep breath. I was only five miles away from her. All that night, I hadn’t doubted a thing, I only thought about her and getting to her. Worry settled in. What was I going to say? I had nothing, only promises and hope.

  I pulled the car back onto that main road and headed north. It seemed a much shorter distance than five miles, and, the whole time, my stomach had that weird pinching feeling. The guy who owned that gas station had been correct. I couldn’t have missed the farm. It seemed like it was the only house for miles around.

  I slowed down and pulled into the yard.

  A woman came out the front door. She had to be Inna’s mother. She was short, and her nose turned up the same way. Her cheeks and figure were fuller, but there was no mistaking the resemblance. I wondered what her name was and didn’t know what to say or how to greet her.

  “You must be Jurak?” She didn’t smile but she didn’t ask me to leave either. I was surprised she knew my name. Some of the pinching feeling left my stomach.

  “Yes, ma’am. I am Jurak. I was wondering, is Inna here? I drove over to talk to her today.” I had no idea what I was saying, but, God, it sounded dumb. I drove over to talk to her? Today? I lived a good ten hours away; it wasn’t just some small thing. I leaned back to look at the house.

  It was a tall farmhouse. One time it had been white, with bright yellow trim, but both were now faded. It wasn’t in neat repair nor disrepair. It was a decent house, bigger than Mama and Nils. There was no grass and no trees. I really was finding North Dakota less than desirable, and I wondered how Inna could have grown up in such a place in such stark contrast to her.

  Nothing matched Inna—it was too mundane. Buildings were faded, trees were sparse, and no bright colors penetrated the bleakness of it all. I saw a movement in an upstairs window. I wondered who it was. Feeling more courageous, I approached the woman with my hand out.

  “I am Jurak, like you said. I came here to talk with Inna.” The woman didn’t take my hand. She just backed away a step or two and shook her head. I wondered if she had understood me; she had such a thick accent, and I remembered Inna had told me her parents were from Germany. I tried German, “Hallo, Ich heisse, Jurak. Kann ich mit Inna sprechen?”

  “Ja.” She laughed a little. She never took my hand but she yelled into the house. I saw the curtain move again.

  “Jurak!” And there she was. Inna came hurrying out, “Mama, this is Jurak. I told you about him.” She kissed her mother’s cheek and came down to the yard to stand by me. All my courage left and my stomach hurt again. I felt stupid. I hadn’t really planned beyond driving up there.

  Before I knew it, though, I was down on one knee. I didn’t care that her mama was watching. I didn’t care who else saw me. I did it without thinking. I was kneeling down in front of her and digging in my pocket for the ring I had bought. I looked up at her then and realized what a mistake I had made.

  The ring I had worked so hard for was too plain for the amazing woman who stood before me now. She was so short that I was nearly as tall even on my knee. She was more beautiful than I remembered. Her hair was dark and shiny. Her eyes were the brightest blue. She was dressed in pants made of tough material like the Levi’s I wore myself. They hugged her tiny waist. I reached for her hand, and, even though I was shaking inside, my hand was steady. My voice was not.

  “Inna, I know how stupid this might seem. I drove here to talk to you and I know, I know, we only met a short while, but it was enough time for me to know you’re the one for me. I don’t want anyone else.” I held onto her hands but I didn’t put that ring on her finger just yet. I looked into her eyes. She wasn’t smiling.

  I let go of her hand. Then, I picked it up again. I dropped the ring. I let go of her hand again and dug around in the dirt till I found it. I polished it on my shirt and tried to get the nerve up to ask what I came here to ask. I looked up at her.

  Her eyes were so blue, the sky couldn’t even compare. She smiled then. I noticed her right cheek had a slight dimple. I lost my voice. Why on Earth would she want anything to do with me? I dropped the ring again. I felt my shoulders drop as I looked for it once again, but you know what? While I was facing the dirt, I reminded myself I was a Devil. I won the war. I was living. I had promised myself that after that damn war, I wasn’t going to miss out on life anymore.

  I straightened my shoulders, po
lished that ring again, and grabbed her left hand. “Inna, I know we don’t have a plan. We don’t really know each other, but I know you’re the one for me. I know it. I don’t want to miss out on life anymore. Just say yes, Inna. Say yes to being my wife. Please?” Miraculously, she didn’t pull away.

  She looked down at the ring, plain as it was, and, somehow, her eyes grew brighter. “Yes, Jurak, I will marry you. Yes!” I could hardly believe my ears. For reasons I could never comprehend, Inna said yes.

  I couldn’t contain myself; I picked her up and twirled her around. I kissed her eyes, her cheeks, and, finally, her lips. I held her close thinking I would never let go.

  “Let me get my things, Jurak. I packed the other day and have been waiting for you, just in case.” She turned and headed back to the house. Her mama was smiling and wiping tears from her cheeks. Inna gave her a hug and the woman nodded to her daughter. Her mother understood there was nothing for Inna here.

  I walked over and hugged her mother and thanked her for understanding. I promised I would look after Inna and take care of her. It seemed a long time before Inna returned. She had that same small suitcase she carried on the bus. She had changed into a neat little blue suit with a matching hat. It matched her eyes perfectly.

  I took the case and put it in the back, alongside mine. I settled Inna into the front seat and hurried around to get in myself. She was yelling to her mother, “I love you, Mama! Tell Papa I love him, and we will see you real soon!” It was then I noticed a white fluffy cat, sitting atop a fence post, licking her front paw. Her tail stood straight up and turned at a funny angle; she glanced our way, and I swore I saw her smile.

  I got in, started the car, and asked Inna where she wanted to go. “I hear Coeur de’ Laine is pretty. Let’s go there.”