by Clara Reese
I stare out across the garden at the flowers Addy had planted. I’m not a huge gardener but she loved it. She was so good at it too, could coax even the most stubborn and wilted plants back into full bloom. I wish she was here now sitting with me on the cold metal bench she chose, looking at the plants she nursed, holding the baby we longed for together.
I’m rather distracted as I toy with the ring hanging around my neck. It’s Addy’s wedding ring, and I haven’t taken the chain off since it was returned to me in the hospital room, when I first woke up without her. My mouth suddenly feels very dry, and I scramble to do the breathing exercises Ben found for me when I first came home after the crash. It was even harder then, when I couldn’t even walk into our bedroom without collapsing onto the carpet and sobbing myself to sleep.
My maudlin daydreaming is interrupted suddenly by a ringtone, and it takes a few seconds for me to orient myself enough to realize that it’s mine. I fish it out of my pocket, and it grabs my interest when I see that it’s the clinic calling.
“Hello?”
“Charlotte? This is Louisa, from the surrogacy agency. We have some news for you.”
My breath hitches in my chest. Have they found more potential surrogates? Or maybe…No, I don’t think Katrina will have gotten in touch with them again, she made it clear she wasn’t interested. I made a short noise, encouraging Louisa to continue.
“We have heard from the young woman you were speaking to the other day, Katrina Stone. She has decided that she wants to be your surrogate after all. She would like to accept your offer, if it’s still on the table.”
I let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. This is it. I’m going to get our baby at long last, Addy. Not to mention I get to help someone in need in the process. There is no doubt in my mind that for Katrina to have changed her mind so suddenly something must have changed in her situation and made her even more desperate.
“Charlotte? Are you there?”
“Yes, I’m here. That’s fantastic news, thank you for telling me.” A thought occurs to me. “Can I get Miss Stone’s phone number? I’d like to call her, and talk with her about everything.”
I don’t notice my hands are shaking slightly until I hang up on Louisa and slump down against the bench. Good job I did that background check, after all. I type Katrina’s number into my cell and wait with bated breath while it rings.
“Hello?” Her voice sounds guarded and wary, and I know instantly my suspicion that something had happened was right.
“Miss Stone? Katrina? It’s Charlotte Monroe here, from the surrogacy agency. They gave me your number so I could talk to you, if that’s okay, about you agreeing to be my surrogate. It’s okay if you’re busy. We can schedule a call for another time.”
I wince slightly at how businesslike I sound. I don’t mean for it to sound like a transaction, but I’m just so used to speaking this way over the phone. I hope she doesn’t think I’m cold or too disinterested in the whole thing.
“I’m not busy, we can talk now if you like. Sorry, I didn’t realize you were going to call me so soon, I only just told the agency that I’ll do it.” Her voice warms up a bit once she realizes who I am, and I smile.
“That’s great. Thank you so much.” I’m sincere in my appreciation. Does Katrina know how much she’s giving me? If I were a more sentimental woman I might cry into her ear, but fortunately for all involved, I manage to keep a grip on my emotions.
We talk for hours, and as we get to know each other, I find that I like Katrina more and more. She’s funny and sarcastic, and her sense of humor is so similar to mine that it’s spooky. She’s smart too, and her voice lights up when she talks about anything she’s passionate about.
It’s not until the shadows of the trees start to inch longer and the sun settles behind me that I realize how long I’ve been in the garden talking to her. I feel guilty for a second, worried that she might think I’ve been wasting her time. But her voice is still friendly, her tone light. I feel good; about her, about this whole arrangement, about everything, and it’s a novel feeling.
“I’d like to send a car round to pick you up, Katrina. You can have dinner here tonight and we can sign the contracts and sort out the logistics. We might as well get started straight away, don’t you think?”
Suddenly she’s quiet and there’s tension down the line. I worry that I’ve been too forward, too pushy. Maybe she wasn’t expecting this, and now she’s panicking and having second thoughts. My stomach lurches and I struggle to claw the pleasant atmosphere back.
“Or not. It’s up to you, Katrina. If you don’t want to come today that’s fine. We can set up a date or something. There’s no rush if you’re unsure or something-“
I’m cut off by her quiet laugh.
“No, no, it’s not that. I’ve made up my mind and I want to be your surrogate. I have no problem signing the paperwork and getting the ball rolling tonight. It’s just…there’s something else, something you should know. Before we do this, because I don’t think it’s fair if you don’t know.”
I stay quiet, waiting for her to continue. I don’t want to make her feel nervous or cornered by saying the wrong thing but I wonder what she thinks I need to know. Is it something to do with her ex, the one mentioned in the background check? I know there was a court case.
“I had a boyfriend, his name is Grady. He was…not very nice.”
I bite my tongue to stop myself from replying. I’m pretty sure that’s the understatement of the year.
“He was in prison but the thing is he’s out now, Charlotte. I found out this morning. I don’t know where he is and the cops say they’re watching him but he’s slippery and I don’t know…”
She breaks off and I make soothing noises down the line, waiting for her to continue.
“I just want you to know because he’s dangerous. Charlotte…I’d never do anything to harm your baby – if you still want me that is – and I’d never put the baby in danger, but I just feel that you need to know this. I have to be upfront with you.”
I can tell that she thinks I’m going to hang up on her and choose someone else. I can’t deny that now I’m slightly worried, but my worry is for her as much as for the future baby. I know the safest place for her to be is with me.
“I appreciate your candor, Katrina. This doesn’t change anything, though. I still want you to be my surrogate. I’ll send a car around now to pick you up and bring you here.”
I pause, and decide to add some reassurance. “And don’t worry. I have the best private security money can buy. Even if this Grady does become an issue, he will be handled before he can turn into a problem. You can count on that.”
I wait for her affirmation and we say our goodbyes. I sit on the bench a few moments longer, thinking about how my life is about to change, before I get up and walk back into the house. There are preparations that need to be made for Katrina’s arrival, and I still need to call my sisters and tell them the news.
9
Katrina
Standing on the curb, waiting for Charlotte’s car, I wonder again what the hell I’m doing. My emotions don’t stop tumbling around, and my doubt is huge and raging through my guts.
At my feet, my old canvas handbag and a big duffle bag lean against me. It’s all I’ve got in the world. All I’ve got worth bringing with me.
I’m not sad to leave that shitty apartment and screaming landlord. I try to focus on that and not think too much about what I’m doing. It’s a trick that’s served me well in my life. I won’t miss that waitressing job either.
When a big, shiny Mustang comes rolling around the corner, I’m sure it’s not for me. Surely Charlotte would just send a cab, wouldn’t she?
It stops right in front of me. I struggle to keep my jaw closed. People nearby look at the car and back at me like the scene makes no sense. I agree.
The driver gets out looking picture perfect in his suit and hat. He comes to the curb and his manner is so form
al he almost bows.
“Miss Stone? Allow me to take your luggage.”
He picks up both bags and I think he’s pretty generous to call it luggage. He puts them in the boot with utmost care then opens the door for me.
I’m pretty nervous now. I had a fair idea of what I was getting myself into but now I’m freaking out all over again. I step into the car and it has a hint of leather scent inside. The seats and accessories look polished and well cared for.
When I slide onto the seat, it sinks under me, comfortably leaning me back against the head rest. I put my seatbelt on and try to calm myself down. I feel trapped and I’m not even there yet.
I’ve never bothered to imagine houses I thought I’d never live in. I don’t have a clue what Charlotte’s place will be like or what it will be like to live with her. She’s beautiful but also cold and withdrawn. What if I run against her temper and she treats me like dirt the whole time?
What if she wants to have sex with me? I’m not ready for that, baby or no baby. This whole surrogacy thing doesn’t include sex.
Or does it? Shit, I don’t know. I mean, I know it I doesn’t, but for some reason I keep thinking about having sex with Charlotte. I’m going crazy. I’m nervous as hell now. What am I going to say to Charlotte when I get there? I don’t have a clue how to proceed in this situation.
As the car moves smoothly between the streets I don’t think only about the crappy apartment, long standing debts and dead-end job. I think about Grady.
He’s out, and he’s going to be looking for me. I need to go somewhere that he can’t find me. No matter what comes, this is the only choice I have right now.
Nothing could be worse than Grady finding me. No matter what kind of monster Charlotte might be, she can’t be as bad as him.
We arrive in the underground garage and the driver takes my bags and leads me to the lift. The basement is full of cars. I wonder if they all belong to Charlotte.
When we get in the elevator, we go up. All the way up. I try not to hyperventilate. She lives in the penthouse!
The driver lets us in, puts my bags by my feet, and exits. I have a moment of panic but then Charlotte is there, hurrying down the hall with a big smile on her face.
“Sorry. I was just putting some fresh towels in your room. Come on, dear, I’ll show you.”
She reaches for my arm but thinks better of it and takes her hand back shyly. She has a strange look about her, as if she’s nervous or overcompensating. Her eyes are glittery, and her cheeks are red. I can see her checking me out on the sly.
I follow her up the hallway thinking what a great ass she has. Tightly wrapped in a straight skirt that also shows off her graceful legs, she’s certainly one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen.
The place goes on forever. We go down at least three twisting hallways before coming to my suite.
My suite. I could say that all day.
Charlotte brings me into the main sitting room that has comfortable chairs and a beautiful view from the window. Light cascades in, giving the room a warm glow. Charlotte smiles at my wide-eyed reaction and takes me into the bedroom.
It’s almost as big as my entire apartment. The bed is huge and soft and furnished with a big, soft white quilt. There’s a dresser and a wardrobe. Charlotte points on to the bathroom next door and when I go in it’s like a palace of marble, a big shower and a massive bath.
I back out of there slowly, amazed at the luxury. Charlotte leads me out again, back through hallways to show me the kitchen.
Along the way we pass a couple of locked doors. Charlotte tells me those are not my business. I find it strange but decide not to think about it.
The kitchen expands before me in shades of monochrome. Black countertops and stainless-steel accessories. The fridge is one of those double door deals with an icemaker. I walk over to the fridge and open it, seeing it stocked with the most delicious food. If I was lucky, I might see something like this at a party I went to. It’s not stuff I could ever afford to put in my own fridge.
“Go ahead and make a snack, if you like.” Charlotte smiles as she sits down at the counter. I smile back but the moment feels strange.
I see Charlotte’s eyes travel over me again. It’s quick and she doesn’t linger, but I can still feel it. I find myself checking her out right back.
I’m determined not to get involved. She’s mysterious, beautiful, sexy and, for all I know, a total bitch. I’ve spent this long with my heart tied up. I can go a little longer.
I lean on the counter, not quite ready to just dive into her refrigerator. I turn on the kettle and ask if we should have tea.
“Of course. Just look above the kettle. I have all kinds of tea. Give me chamomile, please.”
She smiles again and I can definitely feel the strain. Both of us are nervous as hell.
Are we nervous about the situation, or each other? It’s crazy. I’m trying to do this without forming a personal relationship, but it’s just going to be too hard. We are getting together to take care of a baby. There should be warmth between us. We should just click. Otherwise it won’t be good for the baby.
It needs to hear our voices soothing and loving the whole time its growing. We can’t be agitated or at each other’s throats. I know any kind of emotional upset is going to give me problems, so I need to avoid it.
I make the tea and we sit at the counter sipping it slowly. We say few words, just about the weather and the front page of the newspaper. We both seem a bit withdrawn and I figure that’s okay. It’s only our first day living together and we can’t expect everything to be perfect.
Charlotte looks down into her cup and blinks hard. I can’t imagine what this must be like for her. I know she must miss her wife terribly.
I decide I can have some sympathy for her, even if I don’t want to get physically or romantically involved. I just have to remember how vulnerable she really is, and that will help me see things clearly. I can’t expect too much of her or of myself.
I look up and try to smile and Charlotte doesn’t quite manage one in return. That’s perfectly okay.
I’m determined to be her friend, if not her lover.
10
Charlotte
While we sit and drink tea, I try to get used to the strangeness of it all. I miss Addy so much, but I didn’t realize I’d gotten used to the house being empty. Katrina being here is like a ringing bell or loud rock music next door. It’s an undeniable disturbance.
Just because she’s sitting here, quietly drinking tea, doesn’t mean her presence is as still as her emotions. Just having another person in the house is really disturbing me.
We try smiling at each other a couple of times as we make small talk. There is so much between us that we don’t say. She’s probably shy and I get that. If I’m honest with myself, I’m pretty shy too.
I can cover my natural aversion of people by being aloof. It’s expected of me, as someone with my status as a boss and business owner. I can palm off any bad personal reaction as a business strategy.
I can’t do that with Katrina. I can’t offend her or treat her like an employee. I realize the heart of my nervousness is that I don’t know how to treat someone I actually like.
It’s been so long since I liked anyone. I’ve met people and thought they were nice, useful, fun, whatever. I’ve called a few friends or partners and enjoyed my time with them. I haven’t liked anyone as more than that since Addy.
Sitting next to Katrina, I know that’s got nothing to do with me holding back from love out of fear. At least, not entirely. Katrina stirs me and I feel like I was waiting for the right woman. As if I couldn’t get sexually excited unless I had found someone I could really love.
I kind of get lost in my tea as Katrina chats away about some books she’d like to read. I make a mental note to put the bookstore on our list. She also loves movies and I tell her we have a full subscription and she can watch whatever she wants.
Her smile seems more g
enuine now, her friendliness becoming more real as she relaxes. She seems to be a very sweet girl who got badly messed up along the way by people who didn’t appreciate her.
I’m determined to care for her and make her feel safe. Even though I’m having conflicted feelings, there’s no way I’m going to kick her out now, no matter how uncomfortable I feel.
That’s my shit, and I need to deal with it. I’m the one who asked her here and now I have to follow through. No going back.
I excuse myself from Katrina and wander through the apartment. Its big enough that we will rarely even run into each other. I pull out my phone and stand near one of the big windows, enjoying the view of the city.
I call my sister.
“Hey, Charlotte!”
“Hey, Tricia. How’s things at the office?”
“Oh, hectic as usual. Hey, wait a sec—”
“Hey! Charlotte!”
“Hey, Dawn.” I crack a real smile. “Did you wrestle the phone away from Patricia? What are you doing there?”
“Oh, I came in to help out a bit. Office is crazy. So, has your hot redhead moved in yet?”
There’s a scuffle as Tricia takes the phone back.
“Don’t listen to her, Charlotte. We understand it’s all a business deal. No one’s asking you to fall in love.”
“Just hoping!” Dawn yells in the background. As I smile, I feel a sharp pain inside. They love me so much, they just want to see me happy.
“I’m glad you aren’t on your own anymore, Charlotte. I understand how this all works, and I don’t even care why she’s there, only that you have someone to lean on.”
“I’m not supposed to be leaning on anyone,” I snap at her. I hate the idea that I could need a crutch.
“I don’t want you to get lonely, Char.” Tricia’s voice is pleading. “That’s all. Don’t take it the wrong way.”
“Okay,” I say softly. We exchange a few more words before we hang up. I look thoughtfully out the window.