by Clara Reese
I think one of the reasons I feel so uneasy is that there isn’t enough room in this house for both Addison and Katrina. I try not to track Katrina’s movements and just let her settle in as I move deeper into the apartment. One of these rooms is Addy’s art studio and I’m nowhere near ready to go in there.
Instead I go to our bedroom with the big walk in robe. I start rummaging through drawers and pulling things off hangers. I go through the bathroom and find all of Addy’s cosmetics and skin care products. I start packing everything into boxes and old cases.
I try not to look too hard at things, but memories surface all the same. I bought her this top one morning after we watched the sunrise and walked through town just as the shops were opening. I’d never had donuts so fresh. I bought her this dress for a big ball and she looked amazing in the full, glittery skirt. I bought her this necklace for our last anniversary.
I push on, finally getting it all packed and stacked up. I think about moving it to the front door and asking one of my drivers to take it to Goodwill.
I’m not ready for that yet. The idea of these boxes disappearing just like Addy did is too much. I push them up against the wall by the door and leave the room.
I wonder what Katrina’s up to.
I take a walk through the apartment and find her by the door, looking at the locks.
“Are you okay?” I feel like she’s studying the locks way too hard.
“Oh, yeah. Just thinking about security. Sorry. I’m sure you have it covered.”
Having an idea, I wander off again and call old Reggie. I ask him to sort me with a bodyguard and he says he can send one straight away. I promise to double his usual fee for being so prompt.
When the doorbell rings, I’m freaking out a bit. I’ve been worried about having one woman in my house, now it looks like I’ll have two strangers to deal with. I don’t think adding more people to the mix is the way to deal with this problem but, come to think of it, I’ve tried being alone. It didn’t work too well.
I let the woman in, and she comes to the door a few minutes later. She’s much shorter than me but very broad. Even under her tight cargos and baggy jacket I can tell she’s built. She looks like she could lift steel girders. She has really nice blue eyes and very short, fawn brown hair.
She steps forward boldly with her hand out. “Janet Stone, at your service, ma’am. Is your body the one I’m guarding?”
“I’m Charlotte.” I shake her hand with a smile, loving her attitude. “And no. The body your guarding is this one. Katrina?”
Katrina comes out of the kitchen with another cup of tea and eyes us warily.
“What’s happening?”
“This is Janet.” I present my new employee to her with a bit too much enthusiasm. “She’s going to be your bodyguard. So you can feel safe all the time. Is that okay?”
Katrina smiles at Janet.
“Nice to meet you.” Her eyes turn to me and her smiles gets warmer. “Thank you, Charlotte. I appreciate it. I really do.”
I can see how much it means to her and I feel joy surging in my chest. I’ve made her happy. This is a great feeling.
Not only did I make her feel safe and content, I’ve done the same for myself. I couldn’t stand it if anything happened to Katrina and now, I have backup, someone else around to help me and make sure I never take her for granted.
Like I did with Addy.
Already Katrina means more to me than I’m willing to admit.
11
Katrina
Everything feels like such a whirlwind.
We’re sitting in the doctor’s office, waiting for the doctor to confirm that I am or am not pregnant. I really hope it worked. Not just for me, or the money, but for Charlotte. I’ve been staying with her for a while now, and I can tell how much she needs this. Currently, she’s anxiously pacing back and forth, waiting for the doctor to get in.
We’ve gotten to know each other recently. There’s not much to do at this point in the IVF process except wait to see if it’s taken. I’ve seen her getting increasingly more nervous about this day coming. It’s been kind of cute, honestly. She’ll do little things like stare at my stomach when she thinks I’m not looking. I think she’s been practically counting the seconds until this appointment. She confirmed it about a hundred times. It was all I could do to keep her from having us camp out outside the doctor’s office overnight. I like seeing her this excited about something though. I really hope she won’t be disappointed.
“Charlotte,” I begin. “Sit down. Pacing won’t make this go any faster.”
“I know, but I feel like I have to move,” she tells me. I can tell she’s a bag of nerves.
“Yes, but sitting next to me will make you feel better. Really.”
She sighs and sits down in a chair next to me. She starts to bounce her leg up and down. I reach out a hand and rest it on her knee. She starts bringing a hand up towards her face.
“And no biting your nails, either,” I tell her. She quickly puts her hand down.
“You know me too well already,” she says with a small smile.
“Has she finally stopped pacing?” Janet asks through the door. Charlotte rolls her eyes and I laugh.
“Yes. I finally have her sitting down.”
It feels good to have so many people here supporting me. I know that Charlotte is just paying me to do this and Janet is also being paid to be here, but I can still feel their support. In addition to the money, we all just get along. It’s great. I’ve never had something quite like this before. I feel like we’ve really gotten to be friends. And Charlotte has been great. I thought that rich people would be stuck up, but she’s really nice to me.
I don’t think I’ve ever met someone with the amount of money Charlotte has. I can tell she tries really hard not to hold it over my head. I’m here to do a job, and I am doing that job. I know she won’t blame me if the pregnancy didn’t take. Still, I want it to work for her. Plus, I’m kind of having fun with this. It’s nice being here with these women. It’s so different from being with Grady. Obviously, it’s hard to compare relationships, but I feel more safe and secure with Charlotte and Janet than I have in a long time.
But Charlotte is in and out a lot. I know she’s busy, and she doesn’t always get a chance to spend time with me. I know it’s not her fault. She didn’t get to where she is by just sitting at home. But still, I feel like every time we start to get close, she disappears for a while. At times, I self-consciously wonder if it’s me. I can’t help but think sometimes that she doesn’t like what she sees as she gets closer to me. After all, I know that I’m only here because she’s paying me to carry this baby.
It’s unfair to Charlotte for me to think that way, though. She’s been nothing but nice to me. I can’t expect her to stick around all the time. Besides, there’s nine more months of this if a baby is really in there.
Janet opens the door and the doctor comes into the room. She holds out her hand for me to shake.
“Hello, Katrina,” she says, shaking my hand. “How are you today?”
“I’m doing well,” I tell her.
Charlotte has started bouncing her leg again. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her go to bite her nails as well.
The doctor opens the file. “Well, I have your test results here, and I’m happy to say that you are in fact pregnant. Congratulations.”
I let out a little yell in surprise. I quickly cover my mouth. With how much I’ve been focusing on Charlotte’s anxiety, I haven’t focused on my own.
“Is everything alright?” Janet asks through the door.
“I’m pregnant!” I exclaim.
Charlotte is grinning ear to ear at the news. She looks like she’s feeling many emotions at once. I think she has convinced herself it wasn’t going to work in order to protect her heart. Now that we have a confirmation from the doctor, she’s starting to let some of the emotions out.
I know it’s not my baby, but as soon as the doctor
confirms the pregnancy, I feel a surge of maternal instinct. I put a hand over my stomach. There’s a little life in there. It’s incredible. I already feel such a connection to this little baby.
The doctor immediately launches into an explanation about how we should proceed from here. She tells me what foods to avoid like uncooked fish and soft cheeses. I’m glad Charlotte starts writing everything down because I’m too overwhelmed to really listen. This is a lot to take in. Everything is becoming so real. I’m pregnant and living with Charlotte. It’s incredible to think about.
The doctor starts handing me papers with more information. The papers talk about what I should expect during my pregnancy and when I should be coming in again to check on the baby’s progress. It feels so strange now. The check-ups are for the baby. Until now, we’ve been talking about a pregnancy, but now we’ll have a result before we know it. In under a year’s time, I’ll be pushing out a baby and Charlotte will have a son or daughter. I almost want to cry thinking about it.
“Is there anything else she should avoid?” Charlotte asks.
“Everything should be in the papers.” She explains. “I’ve already told you the biggest obstacles women tend to face during their pregnancies. But for now, you should be okay mostly keeping to your routine. You can even still have sex.”
The doctor’s words hang heavy in the room as she talks. I feel myself start to blush and I start to look everywhere but at Charlotte. What an embarrassing thing to bring up. I know that Charlotte will be helping me through pregnancy, which I’m sure will be messy and embarrassing, but this is so intimate.
I get up the courage to look at Charlotte. She’s blushing as well. I try not to smile at that. Our eyes connect for a moment before we both look away.
The doctor’s comments make me wonder what she thinks we’re doing, but it’s good information to know, I guess.
12
Charlotte
When the doctor says that Katrina is pregnant and the baby is okay, I feel incredibly relieved. However, it isn’t long before that familiar anxiety starts creeping in again. I try to push it away for now. It’s time to be happy. I’m going to have a baby. Addison won’t be here for it, but I know she’d be so happy right now. Wherever she is, I know she’s as thrilled as I am.
I start thinking about what the baby will look like. That quells my fears for now. It’s fun to imagine, but, really, I’ll be happy no matter what. I can’t believe I’ll be a mother. It’s something that I’ve known would happen since I started seriously looking for surrogates, but it still feels so surreal. I pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming. There’s so many things we need to get before the baby arrives.
Janet and Katrina walk beside me as we leave the doctor’s office. I can’t help but steal a glance at Katrina. Maybe it’s the fact that she’s carrying my baby, but I feel so attracted to her. When we’re together, I feel sparks. I wonder if she feels it too. I haven’t wanted someone this badly in a long time. Not since Addison. I thought I might never feel like this again.
I feel really guilty about my attraction to Katrina. Addison wouldn’t have liked this situation. I think she would have liked Katrina, but she wouldn’t have liked that I was paying her. She never liked me to use my money to buy another person. I’m not buying Katrina now, but the money does make things more complicated. And, more than that, it feels like a betrayal. I don’t want to hurt Addison. With everything that happened with her death, I feel like I should be alone. I had my great romance. I shouldn’t be greedy enough to expect another.
Anxiety takes over my thoughts once again. I can’t help but think something bad will happen because I betrayed Addison’s memory. I shouldn’t be attracted to Katrina. It’s not right. What if it hurts the baby? I know it won’t, but it feels like disaster will strike because I’m having these thoughts. If something happens to this baby or Katrina, I’ll never forgive myself. I can’t stand the thought of either of them getting hurt.
Attraction to someone who isn’t my wife is not something that I’m used to. I have to focus on something else. We have to prepare for the baby.
“I’m calling a car,” I announce. “We’re going shopping.”
Janet and Katrina both look at me strangely and then at each other.
“Right now?” Katrina asks.
“If you’re feeling up to it, of course,” I qualify. I don’t want to disturb her or the baby if she’s not feeling well, but my urge to start nesting is taking over.
“No, I feel great,” she says. “Feel free to call a car.”
I dial the number and call the car. It’s a necessary evil at this point. I’m worried about something happening while we’re driving there. Maybe we can pick up a baby-on-board sign while we’re there. I know they don’t really do anything, but I’m desperate for even a placebo at this point.
When the car arrives, I feel my heart jump into my throat. Janet climbs in first. Katrina is half way in before she looks behind her and sees me standing there terrified. She looks confused for a moment before smiling. She reaches out and offers her hand.
“Come on,” she says. “It will be fine. And the sooner you get in, the sooner we can start planning the nursery.”
“Yeah,” I tell her. “Yeah, okay.”
I take her hand and shakily get into the car. I get in my seat and fasten my seat belt as soon as I can. The car starts, and, even though we’re barely moving faster than I can walk, my hands ball into anxious fists. I feel my nails digging into the palm of my hands.
Janet is looking out of the window as we merge into traffic and get going. However, Katrina is looking at me.
“Sorry,” I say softly.
“It’s okay,” she says with a smile. She puts a hand on her stomach and looks down.
“Can you feel anything yet?” I ask, hoping for a distraction.
“I think the baby is too little to really be moving right now, but I do feel a connection. In the doctor’s office when she confirmed it, I felt something. I don’t know what though.”
My heart fills when she tells me that. She’s so precious. I kick myself for putting her in a car when something bad could happen to her.
“Oh, that’s great,” I tell her.
“What do you think we should get for the baby?” She asks.
“Well,” I start. “I don’t know where to begin.”
“We need a bassinet,” she starts. “And some clothes.”
“Yeah,” I tell her. “Clothes, and a dresser to put them in. We’ll need a changing table too. All sorts of furniture. Something nice to rock the baby in.”
“Yes, furniture to decorate the nursery.” She continues.
“And all over the house. We need to baby-proof everything and make sure there are rocking chairs for if the baby gets fussy. High chairs for the kitchen and dining room. Stollers to keep in the garage when we go out.”
“There’s so many things,” Katrina says with a laugh.
“Yeah. I’m sure we could have a lot of that stuff delivered. We’ll take what we can home today, though. Probably a few small pieces of furniture and clothes. Things like that.”
The conversation starts to distract me from the fact we’re speeding through the city in a car. I can tell Katrina is doing this because she knows I’m nervous, but I’m okay with it. It does help. I hate feeling trapped in my anxiety. Maybe she’s the key to get out.
Our conversation does help me realize just how many things we will need for the baby though. We probably won’t get it all today, but that’s okay. As long as we get a good start, I’m fine. Maybe we can pick up a few nice things for Katrina too. She has money issues, so a shopping spree like this might be nice. I have to be careful not to flaunt my money around her, but I’m sure if I play my cards right, I can make this fun rather than awkward or painful.
Thank god for Katrina. She’s a real lifesaver. I don’t think anyone has ever calmed me down this effectively in a car before. I want to be better about this. I really do. Wit
h the baby coming, I know it’s something I have to face, but I still feel like I can’t talk about it. I’m always dancing around it rather than facing it head on. I feel awful about that. I know it just makes it worse. But still, I want to improve. Everyone wants to be better at something. Sometimes, it feels like I’m on top of the world, but there are also times when I would trade it all.
I really hope Addison won’t hate me for doing this.
13
Katrina
I have to admit, I’ve never shopped with anyone like Charlotte.
We go through stores like a whirlwind. Out of habit, I check every price tag and see if we can get everything for cheaper, but Charlotte doesn’t care about price. She doesn’t have to. She’s being attentive to quality and what she likes. Money is no object to her. She can just spend what she wants. It’s incredible, and honestly, it’s pretty fun.
I didn’t think I’d ever get the opportunity to shop like this. I guess everyone dreams about it, but I don’t think anyone ever actually expects it to become reality. As we go into the shops, the salespeople are extremely attentive to us. They’re bending over backwards because it’s clear how much money Charlotte is about to spend. They help us find the best of the best. This baby will want for nothing. Charlotte already has that taken care of in the parental department.
We buy the furniture first. Charlotte picks up everything from these cute little rockers to the bassinet and changing table. The bassinet goes home with us, and everything else is going to be shipped. Charlotte and I sit in what seems like every rocking chair in the store trying to pick out the perfect one for the nursery. I feel like Goldilocks. Some are too soft. Some are too hard. But there’s a few that are just right. Charlotte picks them up as well. I’m shocked by how much she’s spending, but she reiterates that she wants a few around the house. I suppose you can’t keep the baby in the nursery all the time.