Conflicted: Book Two of the State Series

by M. J. Kaestli

  “I think this is another point where we have to agree to disagree. I’m supposed to be here comforting you, remember? Not talking politics.” Ursa nodded, but Freya could tell she was holding her tongue.

  “I can’t tell you what to think or believe. If I did, I would be no better than the State. You have to come to it on your own, just like with Colin.”

  “So, the official story that you want the State to believe is that the rebellion has disbanded? I don’t think they will believe that.”

  “They will. Twenty years is a long time to wait. With no activity to report over such a long period of time, they will start to get comfortable. Besides, there is one thing in life that is more powerful than hate or fear,” said Ursa.

  “And what would that be? Love?” Freya asked.

  “Hope.”

  Chapter 15

  Freya stayed with Ursa until she was ready to sleep again. It was a difficult day for Freya. She wanted to comfort Ursa, but it was nearly impossible because she couldn’t get the information Ursa had shared out of her mind. She did not want to discuss it further—they had agreed to disagree, after all—it just wasn’t the right time as Ursa was mourning. Even though she claimed all members of the rebellion were prepared to die, or lose their loved ones, it didn’t seem Ursa felt any comfort in losing her partner.

  Ursa spoke a lot of Rowen: what it was like when she met him for the first time, what she thought of him. It sounded as though it was not terribly different than when she met Colin. It wasn’t as extreme of a conflict, but Ursa didn’t take to him right away.

  Hearing the stories made her heart ache for Colin. Just like it had happened with her and Colin, his parents’ relationship had blossomed. It hurt Freya even deeper when Ursa compared them, and said that was how she knew Colin had really loved her. He had known his parents had not hit it off at first, but had seen how beautiful their relationship had become.

  They both cried at times, or laughed, but mostly enjoyed each other’s company. They stayed in the bedroom the entire day; Freya went out to get their meals and returned. Despite the circumstances that brought them together, it was the happiest day she had had since Colin left. There was an intimacy that they shared. As much as Lewis was very kind to her, there was no real intimacy in their relationship, and she was beginning to see it so clearly now.

  She realized it would be difficult for her to go back to their apartment. Her heart was so open with Ursa, and now she had to go and play a role that was not honest. When Ursa realized it was time for her to leave, she fell silent for a moment. She asked her to just lay with her a little longer, and Freya obliged. Freya had been holding Ursa in a way to comfort her, but now it was Ursa who held her, almost the way a parent would hold a child.

  “Freya, my dear, I don’t care why the State sent you here. I just feel so fortunate that we had this time together. I love you dearly, and even if they take you from me, I will cherish this time until I die.” She kissed her on the forehead.

  “I love you, too.” Freya squeezed her a little harder. “But I don’t think I am going anywhere soon. We will still have more time together,” she said, not knowing whether it was true.

  “I do hope you are right about this one.”

  Freya gave her one last squeeze, and left the apartment. It was difficult for her to leave, but she knew there was no choice in the matter. She went back to her apartment to find Lewis reading his tablet in bed.

  “Hey, you’re back.” His face lit up.

  “Yeah,” she said, and became a little emotional at the thought. Her eyes welled up with tears. Lewis grabbed her and held her as she began to cry. It was not her intention to cry, yet it seemed to do just the trick in what would be a long list of lies she needed to think of for Lewis.

  He guided her to the bed and lay down beside her, softly stroking her face. “Did you learn anything?”

  It was a good thing she was already crying; it made it easier for her to hide her true thoughts. The fact he asked her so quickly made her wonder whether the State really did cause Rowen’s heart attack to help her get closer to Ursa.

  “Ursa’s partner had a heart attack. She is devastated.” Freya knew full well that what she had said was not what he was really asking, but didn’t feel ready to tell him anymore, not until she strategized a plan.

  “Yes, I heard. It’s sad that he died so young.” He continued to stroke her face. “What did you guys talk about?”

  “Mostly Rowen, and a lot about Colin too. I think losing her partner brought up a lot of pain for her about Colin also. She has no one now,” she replied.

  “So she still hasn’t said anything about the rebellion to you?”

  His touch and his voice were so gentle, yet his intentions were terribly clear. He was trying to act sympathetic, and that he cared for her, yet his mind was only on the mission. And Victor said Colin was manipulative.

  “No. Do we really know for sure that she is even a part of it? What evidence do they have? I think she should have said something by now, don’t you? Am I doing something wrong?” It was the first time that Freya had directly lied to Lewis. This wasn’t holding back information anymore. She was entering a completely different level of betrayal here, and then the wisdom of Ursa’s words struck her. There would come a time when she would feel as though it was worth the risks. It had only been hours ago that she didn’t believe her statement, yet it was playing out before her eyes. She would do anything to protect Ursa, even if it meant committing treason herself. She was still not convinced the rebellion had the right idea, but was well aware that she was in a way supporting their cause.

  “No, I don’t think you are doing anything wrong. I am sorry. I should be more patient. I know better than most—these things take time,” Lewis replied.

  It had obviously worked. Freya’s intent at asking whether she was the problem was the only way she could think of to cast a web for Lewis. If she could convince him she was disappointed in her own performance, it might buy her more time. She still didn’t know how to transfer the information of the rebellion lying dormant into the State’s hands without implicating Ursa, but there had to be a way.

  Of course that was not the real plan—and Freya didn’t approve of the rebellions plan—yet colonization was a long way off. Perhaps she could work to convince these rebels such actions weren’t needed. They had over twenty years; maybe they could see the situation differently by then. If Ursa was able to introduce her to the right people, she could convince them that using force wasn’t necessary.

  She lay next to Lewis, he continued to stroke her back gently, and she nestled up next to him. Her mind raced, looking for the right thing to say, yet she kept drawing a blank. She closed her eyes, hoping if she looked tired he would not question her silence. After some time had passed, he leaned in and kissed her, and then said they should get ready for bed. It was the best thing she could do, to give herself more time to think, and so she got up, changed and slipped back into bed. When Lewis came out of the bathroom, she lay there with her eyes closed, curled up on her side. He didn’t try to talk to her again; he just let her be. In spite of all the thoughts swimming in her mind, she did manage to fall asleep.

  ***

  The greenhouse had a very different mood when she went back the following morning. Everyone stopped to console her and ask about Ursa. Ursa had been given the week off civil duty for bereavement, and Freya went to her apartment right after she finished at the greenhouse.

  Ursa looked worse than she did the day before. She obviously had not showered, and Freya wondered whether she was eating or drinking. Ursa looked happy to see Freya come in, but didn’t seem to have the energy to get out of bed to greet her.

  Freya was painfully reminded of when she lost Colin. Was this what I looked like to Chastity? Lying in my own filth, surrounded by a pile of used handkerchiefs, with a swollen face, and dead, dull eyes?

  She crawled into bed next to her and wrapped her arms around Ursa. Neither spoke.
Freya knew all too well what she was feeling, but Ursa was not given the luxuries that Freya had been given.

  She could see it now, just how well she had been treated when Colin was taken from her. There was no medication given to Ursa to help her sleep, to help dull the pain. There was no nurse sent to assess her, no one to sit by her all day and night the way Chastity had stayed with her. Freya was the one and only thing that the State had provided to Ursa for her bereavement, and it was only for a few hours in a day.

  The injustice of it all started to come over her. Freya had only been with Colin for just under a year, where Ursa had Colin for most of his life, and her partner even longer. She had lost both of them now, and this was all she got? It just wasn’t fair. The State said that everyone was equal, but clearly that wasn’t true.

  Did I get special treatment because I worked at the State house? Or was it because I am a member of the Council? Did Victor feel some sense of guilt or shame at putting me in that situation? No, it couldn’t have been; he was building the perfect spy—he had his own motives that had nothing to do with her feelings. That was the difference. Ursa was just a common worker, and a member of the rebellion. Freya was a Councilmember, and although she didn’t know it at the time, quite valuable to the State.

  She had been so grief stricken, she never really thought about how limited the medication supplies were, that they should not be given out in a time of grief. Yes, there was the pills she had taken, those sounded common enough, yet the juice boxes she had—that was where it had gone so far above and beyond in proper rations. She looked around the room, trying to assess the situation. Was there any pills lying around? Had they given her anything to help with the grief?

  Ursa seemed to sense the change in Freya—perhaps it was her movement—and she looked at her. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. I was just looking…uh, have they given you anything?” Freya asked awkwardly.

  “Given me what?”

  “Like medication or something, you know, to help you right now,” Freya answered.

  Ursa gave a bitter laugh. “Of course not. Why would they waste medication on a grieving widow?” Ursa said, “Why do you think they would do that at my age?”

  Freya’s face flushed. She felt humiliated. It was not just that she had been given special treatment; it was partly that she needed it. She had fallen to pieces when others were strong, and this realization brought a feeling of shame over her.

  “What did they give you when Colin left?” The way she could read Freya so well was both comforting and terrifying at the same time.

  “A lot, actually,” she said, not able to meet Ursa’s gaze.

  “Well, that doesn’t surprise me. You are young, and an elite member of society, after all. They would make special exceptions for you,” Ursa replied.

  Freya then remembered Chastity telling her she also took medication when her partner was killed, so it wasn’t just her, but this action was most likely limited to a select few. Chastity was also a member of the Council, and part of the State house.

  “They didn’t do anything when Colin left either?” Freya asked.

  Ursa gave another bitter laugh. “They didn’t even give me time off my civil duty then. Cady had to send me home several times, but I was always expected to be there. All they gave me was that bloody letter, the one they claimed he wrote me, but I know he didn’t.”

  “They gave you a letter from Colin? I never got one.”

  “Yes,” Ursa said. “How convenient he didn’t send you one. Guess that would have gone against their plot to convince you he had left you. He didn’t write the letter, Freya. I know my son, and it wasn’t him. It spouted off some crap about opportunities, and hope for a better life for everyone. They probably wrote one mass letter and sent it to all families with someone on the spacecraft. Colin would have said something about our fight; even if he had to write it in code, he would have said something more personal.”

  “How can you be sure?”

  “Freya, Colin wouldn’t break off ties with us because of you, and then turn around and leave. He wouldn’t—I know it. I know we said we were going to agree to disagree, but I know my son. He broke off ties to us to disassociate himself from the rebellion so the two of you could build a life together. If he had plans lined up to leave, he would have never stopped talking to us. There would be no purpose. He would have simply left things the way they were, and then sent me a letter telling me in code that he would fight when he got to the other side. He would have mentioned having a new partner, but he didn’t write that letter, just like he didn’t choose to go.”

  Freya’s eyes welled up with tears. So much of her had been at battle with this concept since Colin left. The very core of her being ached even considering it. Moving on with her life when Colin left was the hardest thing she had ever done. It had taken everything in her to believe the facts, believe the evidence before her. Ursa could be her undoing, as if she stood on the side of a cliff and Ursa was a strong breeze that could push her over.

  She needed to believe that Colin had never loved her; she realized that now. If Colin had never loved her, then what she was doing had a purpose. But if Colin was taken from her, then she didn’t really know who she was, or what she was fighting for. If the State had simply taken him and fabricated everything else, what did that make her?

  Who am I but a pawn in their game? How could I have ever taken Lewis into my bed, and lived with him, trying to expose the people who fought against injustice? She had come here believing what she was doing was for the good of mankind, but was it? Was there really even a threat? Freya had never once heard Ursa say the rebellion was trying to take down the dome. Was that even true? Or was it a lie the State had created to spread fear? If they really had taken Colin from me, why would they do that? What was their motive? Was it simply mathematical? Was Colin someone they needed on the other side and I wasn’t? Or did they do it specifically to me? Did they do it to build the perfect spy?

  “I don’t know what to think anymore,” Freya answered.

  “I do,” said Ursa firmly. “They took him—he didn’t want to go. Just like they killed my partner. It is all just a game to them; they know how to manipulate us to get what they want. We are nothing more than chess pieces. They took Colin so you could rise up in the Council. He was a distraction to you, something to keep you from focusing on your task at hand. Then they killed my partner, just because they thought it would make me confide in you. It is so simple, really. Our suffering is nothing to them, as long as it gets results. It doesn’t matter who they kill, or send away. They will never be able to crush the very thing that makes us human. We are not meant to live this way, and so there will always be those who fight, and they cannot ever stop that.”

  “But how can we live differently? We need the population control, and everyone has to work or there would be no food or water or air to breathe,” Freya exclaimed.

  “It doesn’t have to be like this. People could choose their own partners, their own civil duty. They could act for the common good without being forced. Yes, we all need to eat and breathe, but this could be done with people having choices.”

  “Could it really?” asked Freya. “People had choices before and look what happened to us! There were people starving while others lived in extreme excess. The environment was being destroyed even before the nuclear war, just to keep up the economy so people could continue to live in excess. You say human nature is to choose—well, too many people don’t choose for the common good. People are greedy. We can’t live responsibly on our own—it is not in our nature.”

  Her rant had left her short of breath. Never before had she had a conversation of this nature, this heated. She didn’t even know until now how strong her own beliefs were, but there it was. As much as she didn’t agree with some of the tactics the State took, she didn’t believe mankind could live without them.

  “I know that humanity has done some terrible things in the past, and that they
are always going to be capable of doing the same things again,” said Ursa. “I still believe that we are capable of learning from the past and choosing something better with the knowledge we take with us. Yes, it was necessary for the State to take over when they did, and perhaps their tactics were necessary back then. But now—now it is time for change. Now we can all grow together, and shed living under this dictatorship. When the colony planet opens up, I guarantee you that the State will not loosen their power. I know it. They will keep things exactly how they are now; we will just have more space. Sure, more people will be able to have children, but they still won’t choose how many, or the partner who they could have them with. The State is intoxicated with their own power, their complete control over anyone or anything. Giving it up is not in their plans.”