Archie of Outlandish

by Lynnette Kraft

  “It’s your birthday?” Tallie asked with surprise.

  Archie was a little embarrassed by the attention and glanced at his mother with an accusing expression. Looking back at Tallie he said, “Yes. I guess it is.”

  “Let me guess,” she said tapping her finger against her lip. “Twenty five?”

  “No. Only twenty,” Archie said through a grin.

  “Oh wow, I’m older than you! I was sure you had to be older than I am.” When Archie raised his eyebrows, she said, “I only meant you seem more mature than I am, that’s all.”

  Archie nodded expressing doubt. “How old are you?” he asked.

  “Well, not much older than you. Just twenty one.”

  Annella chuckled. “I’ll just leave the tea tray and get back to work. You two enjoy yourselves.” Annella touched Tallie’s shoulder and said, “It was lovely meeting you, Tallie.”

  “Yeah, you too!” Tallie answered.

  “Enjoy yourself, Archie.”

  Archie smiled and watched his mother walk away.

  “Your mom called you Archie. Would you prefer if I did, too?” Tallie asked.

  “No, I actually prefer Archibald, if you don’t mind. I’ve never been able to figure out why parents name their children one thing and then call them another.”

  “Yeah, it is a little funny, isn’t it?” said Tallie. “But I think it’s like a pet name that’s meant to make a person feel special. Don’t you?”

  “Yes,” Archibald admitted. “I’m sure that’s what it is, but still, I do like my full name and I don’t get to hear it very often” he said with a chuckle.

  “Well then, Archibald it is.”

  “Thank you,” Archie said with a look of satisfaction.

  “So now that I’ve met your mom,” Tallie said, “I’ve solved a little mystery.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. I noticed you say things a little formally and wondered why. Now I know.”

  Archie waited for her answer.

  “It’s because your mom’s English, right?”

  “I suppose it might be. Honestly, I’ve never given it any thought.”

  “Well, take it from me, someone who uses way too much slang, you speak very properly. Is your dad English, too?”

  “No, Father is American.”

  “Oh,” she said with some curiosity. “Well, your mother is stunning. I can see where you got your fair complexion.”

  “Yes, Mother comes from a long line of blond hair and blue eyes.”

  Tallie moved a little closer. “Your eyes aren’t blue though, are they? It’s a little dark in here. I can’t quite tell.”

  “No, I have my father’s hazel eyes . . . and his dark, unruly hair, too.” He put both hands on his head as if to hide it. Tallie laughed and so Archie added, “I’m fairly certain I could grow a remarkable mustache like my father as well, but I think I’ll hold off for a few years.”

  “Well, I don’t think your hair is very wild, and I can totally see you in a mustache.”

  Archie turned his head away in embarrassment and mumbled, “Hm. Well.”

  Tallie sensed his uneasiness and decided to change the subject. “So what do you do, Archibald?”

  Grateful for the shift in conversation, Archie perked up. “I write a column for the local paper.”

  “Oh? What column do you write?”

  “The Observation Column.”

  “What’s an observation column?” she asked.

  “It’s a column of stories written by . . . my observations.”

  “What do you mean?” Tallie questioned.

  “I’ve always been one to watch activity. I see the things most people don’t stop to notice. I’m not sure why. So when something catches my attention, I hold it there for a while and see what little story I can come up with.” Archie glanced over at the restaurant entrance, looked back at Tallie, and asked her, “Would you like to see?”

  “Sure . . .” she answered with a little hesitation, not knowing exactly what he would show her.

  Archie grabbed his umbrella from against the wall, opened it up, and walked over to the foyer of the restaurant. He picked up a newspaper and walked back to the table. After sitting down, he opened the paper to his column.

  “Here it is,” he said, turning it toward Tallie.

  “‘Savory Sunscreen on the Beach.’ What’s that about?” Tallie asked.

  “Well, I often make my observations on the beach.” Archie said it seriously and then realized how luxurious his job sounded and felt foolish. “Anyway,” he continued, “one particular day, I observed the bebumists on the beach were wandering, much more frequently, to the food carts. This continued for a few days, so I decided to follow them. I assumed there must be some new delightful food, but when I investigated, it was only the same vendors selling the same refreshments.

  “The bebumists seemed especially drawn to the salty food carts . . . roasted nuts, popcorn, hot dogs . . . things of that nature. As I followed, I began noticing a very distinct smell of bacon. I went home and asked Mother to take a stroll with me just to confirm.”

  “Bacon?”

  “Yes, but the smell wasn’t coming from the food carts, it was coming from the bebumists.”

  “Wait. You’ve said that a few times and I don’t know what that is.”

  “What what is?” Archie asked, confused.

  Tallie said, “Be-bum—?”

  “Oh! Sorry!” Archie said chuckling. “It’s what we Plumbys call the people on the beach. You know . . . beach, bum, tourists?”

  Tallie laughed hard at that.

  “Beach bum tourists! That’s hilarious! Okay, I’m following now. So the be–bumists smelled like bacon?”

  Archie smiled. “Yes, so Mother asked a lady who seemed friendly enough, ‘Do you smell bacon?’ The lady said, ‘Yes! I’ve been smelling it all day.’ It took some more investigation, but we finally came to an amusing conclusion.”

  Tallie put her hand on Archie’s arm and said excitedly, “The sunscreen!”

  Archie nodded, “Yes, but you see, it was never meant to be. It turns out the sunscreen, which is made by a family here in Outlandish, was accidentally scented with one of their kitchen candle scents. The mistake wasn’t discovered until Mother and I went to inquire about it.”

  “That’s so funny!” Tallie laughed.

  “I thought so.”

  Tallie slapped her hands on the table and leaned back in her chair. “I totally would have missed it!”

  Archie answered. “I’m afraid I don’t miss much in the way of a story. There are days I wish I could just look past things, but I see stories everywhere. I’m constantly giving titles to scenes.”

  “You should write books.”

  “They would need to be very short ones. My mind moves on so fast.”

  “Would you mind if I took a minute to read your article?”

  Archie knew he would feel uncomfortable sitting quietly while she read his article so he responded nervously, “Yes . . . well. Why don’t I just go and grab us some more tea?”

  “Okay. Yeah. Thanks,” she replied.

  Archie watched Tallie from behind the swinging doors of the kitchen and only went back to the table when he could tell she had finished reading.

  After Archie sat down, Tallie looked at him and said, “Archibald, your writing is so clever! Have you ever considered writing children’s books? They’re short.” She laughed and added, “But seriously, your writing has a childlike quality to it.”

  Realizing he might take it as an insult, she added quickly, “I don’t mean you write like a child. I mean you write in a way that would appeal to a child. I really did mean it as a compliment. Not everybody can write like that.”

  Nodding, Archie added, “Oh, don’t worry. I took it as a co
mpliment. The lighter side of life has always appealed to me the most, and actually, I have played at writing children’s stories, a few of them. Of course, they’re only at home on my bookshelf.”

  “They’re my favorite,” said Tallie. “I have my own little collection at home . . . although I didn’t write any of them.”

  Archie looked admiringly at her. “Really?”

  “Yes, really,” she said smiling. “Do you illustrate your stories?”

  “I do,” he said. “Although I’m no artist. I’ve often wished I possessed both skills.”

  Tallie said, “Now, you know you’ve piqued my curiosity!”

  Archie squinted as if trying to solve a mystery. He then cupped his chin with his thumb and index finger and looked at Tallie. “I don’t think many of my stories are even worth reading. I wrote many of them when I was only a child myself, but you’re welcome to read them . . . if you’d like. We could have a good laugh together if nothing else.”

  Tallie responded energetically by clapping and saying, “Yay! I’m excited to read them!” but afterward felt a little silly for her reaction.

  Archie was actually entertained by her enthusiasm.

  “So,” she said in a decidedly calmer tone, “I’m having dinner tomorrow with Ms. Perrelli, but maybe we could meet back here after that?”

  Archie tried to look as though he was considering his schedule. “Hm. Yes, I think I am free tomorrow night.”

  “Great! Does seven-thirty work for you?”

  Archie looked at his watch (realizing immediately that it made no sense to do so), and momentarily forgetting her question said, “I think I’d better be getting back.”

  Tallie’s confused expression reminded Archie that she was waiting for an answer, so he shook his head as if realizing his error and said, “But, yes, tomorrow night. Seven-thirty.”

  “Good. I guess I should be getting back, too.”

  Archie asked, “Where are you staying? I could walk you there.”

  “Oh, that’s all right. If you need to get home . . . I’m in the circle at The Lupine Inn. It’s just a little walk from here.”

  “I’ll walk with you,” Archie said.

  Once outside the restaurant, Archie offered Tallie a place under his umbrella. “Shall we?”

  Tallie noticed he had lifted his elbow for her, so she wrapped her arm around his and grabbed the shaft of the umbrella right above his hand.

  “Does this work?” she asked.

  “Perfectly,” he said.

  Along with a few of Outlandish’s other businesses, Flavors of the Earth sat at the top of a short cliff. There were two paths up and down the cliff—one was a set of wooden stairs and the other was a winding road suited to those traveling on wheels.

  Archie and Tallie took the stairs down to the path that followed the beach and eventually climbed a set of wooden stairs that led them away from the beach and into town. They walked in silence until Tallie stopped suddenly. Stepping out from under the umbrella, she looked up at the sky. Looking back at Archie she asked, “Archibald, can you come out from under your umbrella when the sky is dark?”

  “If it’s very dark, yes, sometimes I can. But it has to be a small moon. No street lamps.”

  “It must feel so amazing when you can!” Tallie said.

  “Yes, it does. I have a place I go to just for that–away from the street lamps. But it’s a little far, so I don’t go often.”

  “I would go every night if I were you,” she said.

  “If you were me, you wouldn’t need to go every night. I’ve grown quite accustomed to it.”

  Tallie regretted her words. “Of course. I’m sorry. I keep saying the wrong things. I just think it’s great, you know . . . to have that.”

  Archie smiled easily at Tallie. “Please don’t feel bad about it. I’m not at all offended. And yes. It is . . . great.”

  Tallie resumed her position under Archie’s umbrella and they continued to walk in silence until they reached The Lupine Inn.

  When they approached the door, Tallie ducked out from under the umbrella and said, “This is such a pretty little town. Have you ever stayed here in The Lupine? No, of course you haven’t. You live here!”

  Tallie laughed at herself and continued talking. “The floors are made of pebbles. Have you seen them? They’re smooth, like river stones. But then there are rugs laid down over them. The rugs are so many different colors and textures. It’s not like anything I’ve ever seen. I never would have thought to put them together, but they make the place so cozy. Everything in this town of yours is so vibrant . . . so . . . charming!”

  Archie thought she was finished and began to respond, but then she surprised him by continuing.

  “Then there’s breakfast! They serve these pastries that taste like orange cheesecake. I’m in love with cheesecake. But I do feel guilty eating them for breakfast. They’re definitely more like dessert.”

  Archie added, “The Lupine also has a reputation for having the best coffee in town.”

  “Oh? Well, I’m not surprised. It’s so good, I honestly wondered if they added coffee flavoring or something. Is there such a thing as extra coffee-ee coffee? Ha!”

  Archie was entertained by Tallie and decided he could listen to her all night, but instead of telling her so, he only said, “Well, it sounds like you and The Lupine are getting along splendidly.”

  “Yeah, I guess we are.”

  “You know. They buy those pastries from my mother.”

  “No way.”

  “Yes, and you’re right, they’re as delectable as you say. One of my favorites as well.”

  Tallie added, “You’re so lucky to have a mom who can cook. How do you stay so thin?”

  “Good question. My father tells me to enjoy it while I can. So I do,” Archie said with a chuckle.

  Tallie finally grew quiet, so Archie tried to fill in the void by saying, “I guess I’d better head back,” but Tallie spoke at the same moment.

  “Thank you for walking with me.”

  They laughed at their uncomfortable exchange but then had a second round of the same thing. Finally Archie scratched his cheek and said, “It’s been a pleasure, Tallie.”

  Tallie smiled at Archie. “Yeah, it has.”

  Archie put his head down, shuffled his feet a little, and then turned and walked away. It was an awkward exit, but Archie wasn’t sure how to avoid it. Tallie was caught off guard by his quick departure, so she wasn’t sure what to do, but then she hollered, “Bye!”

  Archie turned his head a little and smiled, and Tallie stood and watched him walk away under the light of the lampposts.

  4

  The doorbell rang at the Plumby residence. Annella yelled from upstairs, “Will you get that, Albert? I’m just finishing my bath!”

  Albert took off his reading glasses, put down his paper, and went to the door. When he opened it, he saw two women he’d never seen before. One of them smiled while the other looked at her watch.

  “Good morning, ladies,” he said with a smile. “What can I do for you?”

  “Hi. Are you Archibald’s dad?”

  “Yes,” answered Albert.

  “My name is Tallie. This is Ms. Perrelli. Is Archibald at home?”

  “Yes, Archie’s here. Come in.”

  Albert walked the ladies to the dining area. Archie was underneath the table having his breakfast. His father leaned sideways to be level with the table and said, “Archie, you have company.”

  Archie put down his plate on the floor, grabbed the umbrella that sat waiting for him, and stepped out from underneath the table.

  Although there were two people, Archie only saw Tallie. He breathed in discreetly and exhaled through his nose. Being prone to panic attacks meant Archie was an expert at breathing techniques.

  He then put ou
t his hand. “Hello, Tallie.”

  Tallie noticed his hand was a little shaky, so she grabbed ahold of it quickly. She smiled and said, “Hi, Archibald! I’m sorry to interrupt your breakfast.”

  Archie stuttered, “No, no . . . no, it’s . . . fine.”

  Tallie released Archie’s hand and said, “This is Gemma Perrelli, the one I told you about.”

  It was then Archie noticed there was another person with Tallie. In contrast to Tallie’s petite and delicate presentation, Gemma was tall—as tall as Archie was, although she was wearing three-inch heels. Her silky black hair was pulled back into a tight bun at the base of her neck. Her eyes were almost as black as her hair and were painted with dramatic make-up. She wore a low-cut, red silk tunic and against her chest hung a large camera.

  While Archie was still processing the scene, Gemma put her hand out and said in a businesslike tone, “It’s nice to meet you, Archie.”

  Archie shook her hand, perhaps a little too energetically, and said, “Hello, Gemma.”

  “Ms. Perrelli, if you don’t mind.”

  Archie was taken aback by her response and was also surprised at his desire to laugh. He looked at Tallie, and she looked away, embarrassed.

  Turning back to Gemma Perrelli, Archie lifted his chin and said, “Ms. Perrelli.”

  She seemed satisfied. “Thank you, Archie.”

  Archie quickly responded with, “Archibald, if you don’t mind.”

  Tallie put a hand over her mouth to hide a smile.

  Before Ms. Perrelli had an opportunity to respond, Tallie said, “Archibald, I told Ms. Perrelli you have a column for the paper, and she asked me if I would introduce you two. She was hoping you might help her make some connections.”

  Ms. Perrelli looked at Archie and asked a little too bluntly, “Why were you eating underneath the table? And why are you using an umbrella inside the house?”

  Archie smiled at Tallie. “I take it you only mentioned the less peculiar . . . ?”

  Archie’s voice trailed off as his eyes met with Tallie’s. It was the first time he noticed her pale green eyes. He remained lost in them for a moment, until Tallie, growing uncomfortable by the silence, turned her head away, hoping he would direct his attention back to Ms. Perrelli.