My Soul To Keep

by Jackie Sonnenberg

  Some of the older members put out the last of the blankets on the open grass area, held down by various rocks. Ad Astra at one point felt it was important to walk on every single one of them, as though by blessing or even by security. Mitchell held our attention.

  “Now, for all of you 7th grade and new members, I first want to tell you that we do not enforce any organized religion here. This is not a religion. This is just life, although I do believe in a higher power. What is life? What is the very thing that rests behind your ribcage? It is the powerful source of energy that is your soul, and your soul is nursed by your body your whole life… before the time comes for it to be set free into the universe. They say that when you die, you see a glorious white light that shows you the way. Who has heard of this? This is what Guardians of Light is founded by and believes to be true. The White Light is the most powerful being in the universe. It is both a mother and a father. It watches over us, right now, as we hone our spirits. Open your mind and your soul to The White Light and you will be rewarded.”

  I was grounded. What that teacher said had to be the most captivating and beautiful thing I had ever heard.

  “Now, let us gather on the blankets and allow ourselves to relax.”

  Seth was the only one who stayed behind, fumbling with a music player he set on a tree stub. Then the mood music set in: the soothing kind that you hear at a spa and you’re being told to close your eyes and relax. Mitchell was asking us to do the same.

  Damien and I knew that day that in this type of community it was normal to just let go, so we did so at ease. As the music played, and our eyes were closed, we heard less of other people moving around on blankets and more of our inner thoughts.

  It was funny, too, the way it suddenly got warmer outside as we were getting lost into our inner thoughts. The hoodie I brought with sat lifelessly by my side and I wondered why I even brought it as my chest heated up. We were in an open area with a big wide field stretched before us, and my thoughts seemed to take me further into that meadow. My breathing became rhythmic and I no longer had to concentrate on it, as I soon didn’t even feel the rest of my body. It was as though I leapt out of it and now walked through the open grass.

  The picnic area, the baseball fields, the buildings, the people, and even the trees were all gone. It just seemed to stretch into a never-ending patch of green that I could see going on for miles. I could not see where it stopped, or even where it began. The only other thing I knew was that the sun was directly above me. It had to be, the way the sweat ran down my neck and dampened my armpits. In my mind, I was not running, I was not even walking fast. How did it get so hot all of a sudden? I regretted not wearing sunblock, picturing my nose cooking to roast. But the warmth was pleasant. Very pleasant. It was the most peaceful I felt in what seemed like a long time. I walked in my vision, and although the only thing I could do for a while was feel, I started to see. I started to see a figure ahead of me.

  It was blurred by the still-burning sun and barely a shape on the mounds of the grass field, but I somehow knew it was a person. Although my eyes were shut, I was able to squint them as the figure appeared to be moving toward me.

  My shirt stuck to my chest and drops of sweat rolled down my face. My breathing quickened. The figure, the person, got closer until his form and face came into view, and suddenly sweat wasn’t the only thing dripping down my face.

  “Sky,” he said, as clear as though he were sitting right next to me.

  I gasped out of my meditation, eyes popped wide open and I breathed in and out heavily.

  I was back at the park, on my blanket, and now everyone was staring at me. I wiped off my tears and tried to hold back those little sobs escaping from my throat. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Damien’s concerned expression and tried very hard not to look at him.

  “Skyler,” said Mitchell appearing out of nowhere. “Are you all right? You must have experienced a very deep and moving meditation session. What did you see?”

  I honestly did not know how to answer this. Everyone continued to stare at me while I tried to think of what to say.

  “I…I don’t know.” I said lamely. “I just felt…something.” I composed myself and sat upright on the blanket, although I wanted nothing more than to pull it over my head.

  “Skyler is in touch with her Light,” Mitchell said again. “She must be in a peaceful state.”

  “I need to get some water,” I said.

  I grabbed my hoodie and got up to get a drink while the others listened to Mitchell lead them through another session. I chugged the first water bottle I grabbed from the table and leaned my back up against a tree. I let a few more tears roll down making sure they did not turn into full blown sobs.

  I saw him.

  I did it.

  I made contact.

  This was real, and they could make it real.

  ***

  After classes I decided to go back to The Manor right away. As I left the academic building I checked out my surrounding obsessively, almost as though I expected a spirit to pop out of nowhere and start talking to me. Students walked past in groups as they were on their way back to the dorms. I sidestepped everyone and quickened my pace on the sidewalk, feeling the chaos lift as I passed the academic buildings and reached the more deserted parts of campus. As soon as I crossed the parking lot, I reached the grassy knolls and wooded area. I was alone. I was alone, but I did not feel alone anymore.

  I looked around at all the trees around me, watching their branches sway in the wind a bit, as though they were waving me to come closer. I stepped on a few leaves that crunched but through the crunching, I heard something else. I stopped in mid step and jerked my head to the trees behind me and to my left. I turned around and looked to my right. As I stepped on more leaves I heard it again, this time closer. I dismissed the idea that it was the wind, because the wind didn’t whisper like that.

  They were whispers.

  What were they saying?

  I heard them again closer to The Manor, so I quickened my pace on that pathway. I walked so fast that I could see the flashes of things that passed in between the trees, and I couldn’t tell if something was moving or not. I tried to listen again for the voices, for anything. I didn’t hear anything else but caught more of those flashes in the trees. One tree, in particular, looked like a something passed right through it. I turned completely in the direction of that tree, staring at it and staring at the leaves. The shadow moved and I could make out something else, something shimmery like fog or smoke. That’s what it could have been, but it was too humanoid for fog or smoke…

  I kept walking and passed that tree, turning my head in all directions until I saw someone standing between two tree trunks in the corner of my eye. I ducked under some branches to make my way over there, only to stop midway to find myself staring at three identical trees. No, there were only two. The one in the middle had no branches. When I looked at it from where I was before, it had arms.

  I stopped dead in my tracks, confused but mostly disappointed. I knew what I saw.

  I got to the house, once again alone in the woods. I put my backpack on one of the chairs in the upper lounge and stretched my arms, Kimberly looking up at me from her book.

  “Hi, Skyler,” she said.

  “I saw a ghost.”

  Kimberly showed almost no reaction.

  “Oh, just now?”

  I crossed my brow at her. “Yeah.”

  Kimberly seemed very calm, as though we were discussing the weather. “The Manor is a very special place.”

  “Tell me more!” I stared at her.

  “Calm down, it’s okay, really!”

  “I just told you I saw a ghost. You act like I just told you I saw a squirrel.”

  “Was it a ghost squirrel?”

  I sighed.

  “Good lord.”

  “Sky, Sky. It's okay. I'm sorry, I didn't think you would be scared.”

  “I'm NOT scared,” I said, sitting down in the
chair my backpack was on. “Why are you acting like it's not a big deal?”

  She put her book down. “The thing is, we are actually in touch with things no one else is.”

  “I knew it,” I said, my heart growing a pair of wings and fluttering away.

  “What we don’t tell everyone at Orientation is that this house is something special. We have…other occupants. It's something that true members not only accept but believe in in their hearts. You do believe in it, don't you?”

  “Yes I do,” I said. “I believe in ghosts—I mean, well, spirits.”

  “They are around, and they make themselves known in different ways.”

  “How so?”

  “Some choose different ways to communicate, some make things happen.”

  I fought the urge to look behind me, or look anywhere for that matter.

  “What do you mean ‘make things happen?’ What do they want?”

  Kimberly smiled genuinely. “Want? Well, it's us who are supposed to be doing the wanting. They are like our guides. That's why they're here. They watch over us in our mission to spread the word of the Light and protect the house.”

  Any other people would be afraid and in disbelief. I was not. I nodded along, looking at her carefully. She kept smiling at me.

  “I am so glad that you understand. So many people wouldn't. It's sad, really, how people are so closed-minded and think their way is right because it's the only way they know.”

  “Yeah. I believe that. I believe in this group and I want to be a part of because I believe I have those connections, too.”

  She smiled again. “And you can and will be a part of it. You think you are connected to the spiritual world?”

  “Yes,” I said seriously. “Yes I am. At the Labor Day event when we meditated and I had a vision, do you remember that?”

  She sat up. “Yeah. You went to a deep place. Mitchell talked about it afterwards. He said you were the only one in touch with yourself.”

  “It wasn’t me I saw. It was almost like I was walking in Heaven. I made my own connection. I encountered someone who passed away recently. I saw him. I heard him. I talked to him.”

  “Who?”

  “My dad.”

  Chapter 7

  I checked my phone again to be sure I didn’t get any texts or calls from Damien. He did mention he was running a little late, but I didn’t care so much about that. That obviously wasn’t making me so anxious.

  Damien finally came over to my table.

  “Hi. Do you want to get some food first?”

  “Yeah, sounds good, then you can tell me what absolutely couldn’t wait another minute.”

  “Okay,” I said, trying not to make anything seem too urgent. When I talked to Damien on the phone last night I first told him I wanted to meet at lunch tomorrow. Then I said I couldn’t finish our conversation and I would explain later.

  “Your roommate?” he guessed. “You don’t want to talk about it in front of her?”

  “Or anyone.”

  He agreed to meet me for lunch at the sandwich and coffee shop. So, we sat down with our bagel sandwiches, chips and coffee.

  “What do you think of Guardians of Light?” I asked.

  “I like it,” he said honestly. “I think it’s refreshing.”

  “So you’re joining?”

  “Definitely. Are you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Cool.”

  I took a sip of my coffee to wash down my bite.

  “Damien, this is a very special group. There is something I have to tell you I learned about them…and how personal it is.”

  “What is it?” he asked, digging into his own lunch.

  “Okay, you remember when we thought we saw things?”

  “….Yeah?”

  “The Guardians of Light can talk to the dead. The Manor…has spirits there.”

  Damien’s jaw twitched, but he kept eye contact. “Really?”

  “There are spirits around that place, Damien. I believe I’ve had a few encounters with them. Including my own from the meditation at Labor Day.”

  “What happened?”

  “I made contact with my dad.”

  Damien slowed down his chewing.

  “I saw him in my vision, and that was what made me get so emotional. It was really him, and this group has the power to contact the afterlife. I went back to The Manor after school and I swore I heard and saw something by the trees, but I didn’t get to see it too close or anything and it was gone, but something was there.”

  “A ghost?”

  “Yeah. And I went in the house and talked to Kimberly. She told me that they watch over us, you know? It’s like we have guardian angels at this place. My dad is my guardian angel.”

  “Whoa,” Damien said keeping his eyes on me. They never left.

  “I knew they would be people who would understand me.”

  “I understand you.”

  During a beat of silence I took a sip from my cup, and out of the corner of my eye I looked to the empty table next to me.

  I believe in you, I said mentally to who was sitting at the chair.

  ***

  Deanna came home sometime in an almost mad rush.

  “Hey, come on, we have to go.”

  “Go where?” I asked.

  Deanna was already halfway out the door. I grabbed my hot chocolate, still hot, and followed Deanna out of our room as she locked the door.

  “What’s all this about?” I asked taking a careful sip.

  “Homecoming, for sure! Where have you been? Oh yeah, your worship group. You missed the last few dorm floor meetings.”

  “I did? Did I miss much?”

  “Well, not really. We’ll bring you up to date.”

  The rest of our floor gathered in the common room. I’ve become used to these gatherings at school. It was about community. It was comfortable. It made sense. Although, meetings with my dorm did not quite go the same as meetings with GOL did. As I looked around the room, I realized I didn’t recognize the faces or know the names of any of the girls. As from the looks of people, I could tell they weren’t that familiar with me, either.

  “Okay everyone!” Our dorm mother Stephanie said with a bounce. She was fresh out of college and ready to be someone’s mommy. “Your vote results are in and our Homecoming theme is…VEGAS!”

  Several people cheered and clapped. I smiled, pretending like I knew what was going on.

  “So, as you know, we are going to need a decorating committee, like a group of about five or six to get decorations. Go nuts, think everything Las Vegas! We’ll need stuff in the windows, common room, the door, and of course the front bulletin board. We have to win! Our biggest competition is the second floor, whose theme is the Renaissance, so let’s do our best to beat them and get that party!”

  I drank my hot chocolate and listened to Deanna talk to some of our neighbors.

  “I wouldn’t know the first thing about decorating,” she said. “I would probably make those lame construction paper rings first graders put on a Christmas tree. Vegas, huh? I wish that meant we could have slot machines in here.”

  Stephanie picked up a large poster board, already shot with glitter and poor drawings of playing cards. “Here’s the sign up list! If you’re interested in signing up put your name, room number and extension. Once we have our Homecoming committee then we’ll get together with creative plans. I’m going to put this up on the hallway bulletin board.”

  I assumed the meeting ended once Stephanie said that and went off to the board. People went off into little groups to chat.

  “I guess I have missed a lot, huh?” I asked Deanna.

  “Well, not really. It’s okay. I was going to ask what you’re doing for Homecoming anyway.”

  “Not sure. No doubt we’ll be doing something at GOL anyway.”

  “Well, I’m going to go back and finish my paper on Huck Finn.”

  I shrugged and followed her back, not seeing any point of stick
ing around there. On the way I already saw a few people made their way to the bulletin board.

  “We could make it look like a casino, maybe get a few tables and make them Blackjack and Poker and stuff,” one of the girls was saying.

  “But we can’t have random tables with cards and chips just sitting there, people will probably steal them and then it will just be a table sitting there once the judges come around.”

  “Lame.”

  I walked by the bulletin on my way to our room, with Deanna already gone. Before I could stop myself I blurted out—

  “What about if you decorate using the themes of all the resorts?”

  All three of them looked at me. “How?” asked the tallest girl.

  “Well, it’s pretty easy if you use your imagination,” I replied. “I mean, there’s Treasure Island, MGM, The Venetian, The Mirage. You can, like, dedicate an area to that theme.”

  “That’s good,” someone else said.

  “Yeah,” said another girl. “Are you signing up?”

  I don’t know what came over me, but I nodded and then did just that. It was so spontaneous, but it made me feel really good. I saw the three other names on there: Kristen, Katie, and Lindsay, and I didn’t know who was who, but I had to pretend like I did.

  “Awesome!” one of the girls said as soon as I was done.

  “You must be Deanna’s roommate,” piped up another.

  “I am,” I said.

  “Well thanks for your help...” the girl made a point to look at the sheet. “Skyler. We’ll call you later.”

  “Okay.”

  I went back to my room with my lukewarm hot chocolate.

  “Hey Deanna, guess who’s on the decorating committee?”

  Deanna ‘s face brightened without taking her eyes off her computer screen.

  “Really? Cool! That is a good idea for you to make friends here.”

  I sat on my desk to check my email. “Yeah, why not? Could be fun.”

  Deanna typed away while I opened up my inbox. I ignored the flow of campus-wide emails, those pointless forwards from friends, until I came to one from the GOL group base. This I of course opened immediately.