My Soul To Keep

by Jackie Sonnenberg

  “It was just…so hard to say all that in front of everyone.”

  Damien leaned forward, also momentarily abandoning his drink.

  “It’s something that is just never going away.”

  “Hey, it’s okay,” Damien soothed my stupid hiccups.

  He put an arm around me, awkwardly half-off the couch.

  “Sky, seriously, that was so brave of you to tell everyone that,” Damien continued giving my back a little rub.

  “You had to get it out of the open and off your chest. That’s what that whole ceremony was about. For us to let go of our burdens.”

  I wiped my face and hugged him back, allowing myself to be half-off the chair.

  We separated for a minute so I could get up to get a tissue.

  “I know I told you before, but I am so sorry about your dad.”

  “Thanks,” I managed to say behind the tissue.

  “And those asshole gangs, that is just terrible.”

  “Yeah. Go figure. That happens all the time and no one does anything about it. Why not?”

  I went back to my desk but didn’t sit down, taking another drink.

  “Truth is shit happens, especially in ghetto city areas. It just happens, there are bad things in certain areas and innocent people suffer from it.”

  There was a very inviting area on the couch next to Damien, and we were both willing me to sit down. Damien reached his arm out when I sat down and draped it over my shoulders, and the next thing I knew I found myself in the cozy nook that was his chest. It was like how I felt after the ceremony relieved, comforted, better. I turned sideways and allowed myself to hug him back, to hold, and I closed my eyes.

  “I think about him every day. And I know he is with me.”

  He pulled me in tighter, and even stroked my arm a bit with his thumb.

  “My family and I…we’re getting by. But it’s still hard.”

  “And he’ll always be with you. You’re a strong person, Sky. Look how far you’ve come. He’s proud of you.”

  I wiped my face enough so that I wouldn’t get my tears all over Damien’s T-shirt, seeing how thin it was. It was so thin I could smell his freshly-showered stomach…whatever manly soap guys used.

  Our stomachs pressed against one another as we breathed, and soon we adapted the same breathing patterns so we inhaled and exhaled in one rhythmic motion. He once in a while stroked my arm with his thumb and I rested my hand on his other arm, doing the same.

  “Oh, God. I’m sorry. I didn’t even ask you about your burden.”

  I looked up at him, which was kind of awkward, given that I was right into the bottom profile of his face.

  “I’m sorry I missed it.”

  “No, it’s okay,” he answered. “Mine is dumb anyway.”

  “No, come on,” I said, resting my head back on his stomach. “Tell me, it’s only fair.”

  Damien moved some of my hair down by my ear. It must have been tickling his chin.

  “My burden was that I’m not perfect like my brother and sister. My whole life that is what it’s been like. I was never like Ally or Neil. They are Academic All-Stars, you know the kind: The straight-A Honor students, star athletes and star musicians, and Student Body President and blah blah blah. Perfect at everything. And, I’m not. I can’t play an instrument, I couldn’t play football or chess and my grades were just so-so. My parents must hate me. ‘Why can’t you be more like your brother and sister?’ Do you know how old that gets?”

  I shrugged. “Yeah.”

  “Do you know how frustrating it is to grow up with two perfect siblings that you just can’t measure up to, no matter what you do? I would study for weeks for a test and get a B and that was never good enough! So, they sent me off to a boarding school that would set me straight.”

  He let out a heavy sigh.

  “Yeah, I could imagine. But you’re a different person. It doesn’t mean you’re not good at anything, it just means you’re good at other things.”

  “Like what?”

  “Well,” I said. “I hope I get to see that side of you. It makes you mysterious.”

  He stroked my hair again and I smiled, and I didn’t need to look at him to know that he was smiling, too.

  For the rest of the night, we sat like that. I didn’t know how much time had passed until Deanna came home. All I knew was that it was much later because it was darker. As soon as I heard the doorknob turn my first reaction was to blush and get off of Damien, but I couldn’t. Deanna apparently was in no condition to notice or care.

  She stumbled in with her zip-up sweatshirt barely draped on her shoulders…and her eyes were all squinty.

  “Heyy yooo. What’s up everybody?!”

  “Where were you tonight?” I asked, trying to sound casual instead of a disgusted parent.

  “I was with Chad at a party.”

  She laughed as she finger-combed through her hair.

  “I am sooo tired, I just wanna lay down. So what did you two do tonight?” She smiled at us teasingly.

  “Nothing,” I said truthfully.

  Damien yawned and started to lift his arm.

  “Don’t worry about me Damien,” Deanna stated as she flip-kicked her shoes into the closet. “You can stay or whatever. I’m just going to go pass out.”

  “Actually, I should get going,” Damien replied as he started to get up, prompting me to do the same. It was the first time we were actually facing each other in what seemed like hours, now face-to-face instead of side by side, and I wasn’t sure what to do.

  “Thanks Damien,” I finally said. Should I hug him, or was that already one long hug?

  “Yeah, no problem, thanks to you too,” he said smiling. “Bye, Deanna.”

  “See ya.”

  As soon as he was gone, Deanna didn’t take long to get in her bed with her face propped up on her elbow, grinning at me.

  “Soooo. You and Damien, huh?”

  I turned around, praying I wasn’t blushing.

  “Yeah, I don’t know,” I mumbled as I picked up my long forgotten Dr. Pepper can, now lukewarm. “We’re just really good friends.”

  ***

  Classes were boring, but I knew it was only because I was looking forward to going to The Manor again tonight. I saw Seth and another girl Holly already ahead of me down the path as I stepped outside. They had their heads lowered and they seemed to be walking solemnly, not even talking. Tonight was described as a cleansing ceremony, which unlike Burning of the Burdens it was to be more relaxing, although still a release. People in the group took it very seriously, and it was a message that the rest of us should as well.

  Damien met me outside my dorm and we walked together, as usual.

  “We’re not on Daylight Savings time yet, are we?”

  I looked at him, confused. “Um no, why?”

  Damien looked to the sky, and all around campus, from the buildings to those outside.

  “Doesn’t it seem darker to you?”

  I took a look around myself, and it could have been that I had a lot on my mind that I didn’t notice, but he was right. How did I not notice that I couldn’t see anything until now? The sun set way past the last academic building and the trees were nothing but silhouettes in the navy sky. I completely lost sight of Seth and Holly and could swear I saw a firefly or two in the far off distance.

  “What the?” I objected, not even seeing my own shadow.

  “Right?” said Damien. “What time is it?”

  “Barely six-thirty, isn’t it?”

  “I guess so, but it feels more like nine.”

  “It is fall, after all. Maybe it just gets darker in Wisconsin.”

  He didn’t say much else, and I became slightly uneasy. Did the sun set so far behind us on campus that we actually left it behind? We were walking in pure darkness now as the trees formed an umbrella over our heads. The only light we had was the solar lanterns giving us our path to the house, which, there it was, all lit up. It seemed like every ligh
t was on in that place, almost expecting darkness to swallow up everything around it except for the house itself. It was glowing a comforting orange; warm and inviting. I was only more excited to get in there for…I don’t know…protection? I couldn’t figure out why.

  Iris greeted us at the door, donning her black cloak that made her look like Morticia Adams.

  “May the Light always guide you and keep you safe from darkness,” she said opening the door for us.

  “Are we meeting downstairs?” I asked.

  “We are. Take some paper and markers with you.”

  Damien and I got some from the kitchen counter.

  “I hope it’s not another Burning of the Burdens.”

  “No, don’t worry Sky,” Damien said confidently as we passed through the hallway with the bookcases. I meant it to be a joke.

  The bookcases creaked as we passed them, like the books themselves were talking to us. I realized I never took the time to enjoy this little library, and I should sit and read sometime.

  At this point we already got used to the candles on the stairs; we didn’t have to worry about kicking them over. They, for some reason, were always safe.

  Mitchell was waiting in the lower lounge with other members already seated. Instead of a colorful, roaring fire this time we were all looking at a large punch bowl on a little table he stood behind. “Welcome, my children,” he greeted.

  We got settled and soon the older kids came downstairs in a line formation, ushering lowerclassmen to their seats. Iris came down last carrying a pitcher.

  “Tonight, we celebrate our purity,” Mitchell began. “Pure soul and pure heart. Last time we met, we had a wonderful Burning of the Burdens ceremony where we took our troubles and cast them away, destroying them. Now we are free of these troubles and we must continue to nourish our souls with a cleansing. Row by row you’ll come up here and be washed with purifying water, and then you’ll use the paper to write affirmations. Write uplifting messages that you want to spread around campus, and then go do so. Take your affirmations to your dorms, classrooms, the cafeteria, library, bathroom mirrors, and wherever you can think of. Spread the message of Light in hopes of saving a lost soul from the dark.”

  Mitchell gave a small wave and Kimberly came over with the pitcher. No one could see what was inside until she poured it into the bowl. When the water hit the bowl an enormous cloud of smoke came out and rolled on the top. Some people had alarmed yet curious looks, especially since after Iris poured it all the smoke stayed there, a witch’s frothy brew. It looked like it was just water, but it obviously wasn’t. It couldn’t be.

  Everyone lined up before the bowl to set the example. Mitchell dipped a little cup and poured a small morsel over Kimberly’s head. I don’t know what I was expecting, but nothing happened. Nothing happened when it was my turn, either. I got water poured on my head which dripped down my neck and down my sweatshirt, but that was it.

  I sat down and wrote my affirmations, which turned out to be a couple. Mine said things like “Be proud of your Light” and “A pure soul is a happy soul” and “Dirty souls make dirty actions—come clean.” I felt happy. I knew where these would go, and it made me even happier. That night I taped them all in my dorm bathroom. Maybe, just maybe, I could inspire others.

  ***

  I came back to my room, confused and annoyed. Deanna saw the look on my face and answered my question.

  “It was me.”

  I stared at her. “What?”

  Deanna looked down for a second. “I’m the one who took them down. All day people were reading those signs and laughing, and making fun of them.”

  “Why?”

  Deanna looked right back up at me as though she couldn’t believe her ears. “I already told you. Remember? About how people think of you on this floor?”

  “So?”

  “So it was embarrassing. I put them by your desk though, I didn’t throw them out.”

  “What’s the big deal?” I stammered. “Why did you take them down? What exactly is so bad about it?”

  “I told you. Because people make fun of you, Sky! They knew it had to be you, saying you’re like preachy and you need to get a life. So sometime after they had their laugh and left I got out of my stall and took the signs down.”

  I sat down hard on my bed across from Deanna’s.

  “What the hell is everyone’s problem? They think I’m weird because of the things I believe in, they a have a huge problem with me wanting to be a better person? What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with sending out positive messages to the world, given that some people actually need that?”

  I turned to my left to see that my signs were indeed on my desk.

  “I mean, other GOL members are posting these all over too, so it’s not like anybody can shut me up.”

  I got up, realizing I still had my backpack on my shoulders.

  “I’m going to grab a coffee and go do homework with some people at The Manor.”

  Deanna just nodded. “Sure, okay. See ya. And…I’m sorry.”

  I shrugged it off and took my signs as I left.

  Down the hallway I passed some of the girls, who saw what I was holding and suppressed smiles. I passed the floor lounge with more people in it, and they definitely noticed me walking through. I walked faster, knowing that there was only one place I was accepted.

  I was happy when I got to The Manor, just as happy when I saw other Affirmation signs posted around campus. I had to keep reminding myself that I was not alone, and the more I repeated this in my head the more I believed it.

  I was able to relax and do some homework in the upper lounge with some others. Damien wasn’t there, but I got to hang out with another member Holly for a bit.

  I sat down in one of the big chairs with my backpack and didn’t notice right away that Holly was there, but only there physically. She sat in a yoga pretzel position with her arms facing up over her legs. Her eyes closed, the only noise she made was the gentle whistling as she breathed in and out of her teeth. I myself tried not to make any noise, and for a minute considered that I would be disturbing her and should go somewhere else. Before I could lean forward to get up she opened her eyes and looked at me.

  “Sorry,” I said right away.

  “Oh no, don’t worry about it! I wasn’t very successful anyway. I am just having a hard time concentrating today I guess. Have…have you ever tried to leave your body?”

  I let my backpack slip off and didn’t bother picking it up. “What?”

  “You know, have an out-of-body experience. Some of the others mentioned it once, and I guess I was curious.”

  “No, I never even thought of that before. Is that even possible?”

  She unfolded her legs. “It might be. I think it would be really awesome. Iris claimed she does it all the time.”

  “Somehow I believe that.”

  “Me too. Iris seems like she can…connect.”

  I nodded. “Yeah. I definitely believe that. That is something I am actually trying to do.”

  Holly looked uncertain for a minute. “I want to, but at the same time I don’t. Every time I walk around here and get a shiver up my spine, I don’t think that could be anything good.”

  Chapter 11

  Deanna burst in the room just as I was reading my GOL email. “Check this out!” she squealed enthusiastically.

  I turned around to witness a huge poster, black and orange writing and of course, pumpkins and taffy apple doodles.

  “So Student Council is hosting this HUGE party for Halloween!” she gushed. “Chad’s going to be there, obviously, he’s one of the hosts. It’s going to be rad!”

  “Neat,” I replied forcing a smile. Sure, an excuse for every girl to dress slutty.

  Deanna made sure she put the poster down where we both could see it. “Hell yeah! I need to start planning an outfit! Amy and Kristen and Ashley are talking about going as nurses, Amy has these really cute white shoes. Anyway, if you have nothing planne
d, you should come!”

  I turned back to my GOL email, the newest one with the subject line “All Hallows Eve Gathering.”

  “Well, it looks like GOL is doing something too.”

  “Yeah that’s cool, but you should come by at least for a little bit and then go to your thing afterwards. Or just come by afterwards, whatever works. I mean, it’s fun to meet new people. Maybe you should take a break from all that spiritual stuff. I mean, doesn’t it get tiring? You really need to let loose and go somewhere just to have a good time.”

  “It doesn’t get tiring,” I said trying not to be too defensive. “And we do have fun. I mean, we don’t party, but we just have our own fun. We play games, we do things for our minds, we do things as a group. That’s all.”

  “That’s cool, you can do whatever. It’s just…you should get to know other people and let other people get to know you and show that you can do other cool things. I mean, you’re supposed to jump around to different groups and do different things.”

  “Maybe,” I said not turning around this time. I was an embarrassment to her. I was probably making her look bad because she lived with me and had to deal with what others said about me. I knew that, but I couldn’t say it.

  Satisfied with that answer Deanna slid her book bag off her back and sat at her own desk. She played music softly and I returned to my email.

  Gather with us on All Hallow’s Eve for a night of celebration you will not forget. This will be an open party to anyone who wishes to join us in our ceremony to separate ourselves from the darkness. We will first have our own feast before the party starts. Special for Halloween we will have our own costuming party, we ask that you dress in your own visual interpretation of darkness. What is “darkness?” What is it that consumes our lives and prevents us from living to our fullest? What is evil? We not only want to see your visual interpretation, but we want to feel it. We want to see the evil on your face and your body.

  All this week GOL members will be getting together to work on any costumes and help new members with theirs. Halloween is NOT about putting on a costume and getting candy, it allows us to have a special occasion with “the other side”. It is about fear and learning not to fear the afterlife and death. This will be a very special occasion, and we urge you to pass this message along to others who want a different experience.