My Soul To Keep

by Jackie Sonnenberg

  By glow of a dozen candles lined up in rows, I saw the others were writing on their hands and up their arms, and lining up other members to do the same. Someone held a book of Latin phrases and carefully copied from this book. Iris eyed me and beckoned for me to approach her.

  “Come here, Sky. It’s your turn.”

  I went up to her and automatically rolled up my sleeves.

  “This won’t take long and we use washable marker, but consider this a deep symbol to bring what’s printed on the outside to the inside.”

  So then from fingertips to mid-elbows I was a walking notepad. The black letters burred together as Iris wrote all up and down my skin, leaving no room for flesh anywhere and turning my fingers into moving black squiggles. I looked to the book on the table and back and forth to translate the phrases Iris wrote on me:

  “De fumo en flammam”- Out of the smoke into the flame

  “De pilo pendet” – It hangs by a hair

  “Cras credemus hodie nihil” –Tomorrow we believe, but not today

  “Ipsa scientia potestas est” Knowledge itself is power

  “Aut viam invenium aut faciam” I’ll either find a way or make one

  “Credite posteri” Believe it, future generations

  “Crede quod habes, et habes” Believe that you have it, and you do

  “Credo ut intelligem” I believe so that I understand

  “Fallaces sunt rerum species” The appearances of things are deceptive.

  “Flat justitia ruat coelom” Let justice be done through the heavens fall

  “Legum servi sumus ut liberi esse possimus” We are slaves of the law in order that we may be able to be free

  “Mutantur Omnia nos et mutamur in illis” All things change, and we change with them

  “Memento mori” Remember that you will die

  “Next,” Iris simply announced.

  I walked away and took my own candle to join the others and my arms felt…heavy. Heavy like the time I was in my mother’s room and tried on as many bracelets as I could until they couldn’t fit up my arms. I could lift my arms, but it felt like I had to with effort.

  “Guardians of Light,” Mitchell proclaimed, holding up a box. “Darkness has swallowed our world we call home and left everybody alone and without a way. The time has come for us to shine that light and show them the way. Show them the way of the Light!”

  He picked out a torch from the box and barely touched it before it had its own orange glow. “Come and get your light. And know…that you are not alone in the darkness. May you find your way and yourself.”

  As he talked the glow from the torch went from the deep orange to a lighter gold.

  Hordes of black gathered at the front to obtain our own, our jackets and dresses and capes swishing on the ground like we were witches. It made it all the more exciting and I felt a power rush in my stomach as I stood up.

  “Bring the Light,” Mitchell said. “Bring the Light.”

  “Bring the Light,” echoed those around me. “Bring the Light.” It became a chant.

  We filtered out, a hundred torches going from dim to bright in a matter of seconds as we climbed the stairs, moved through The Manor and exited to the dark woods. The outside welcomed us, but we welcomed it more. We moved together, a giant flickering paramecium in the night.

  We broke apart, each torch and light running and disappearing among the trees. Shouts were called out, names were called out, chants were chanted, and we were all separate.

  “Bring the light,” I muttered under my breath. “Bring the light.”

  Would this really work? If I had any doubts before, they were gone now. I became so into it, so into the moment, and so into today and the spirit of Halloween that I barely noticed it. I was a full believer now, actually thinking our little torches could solve the blackout. But what could it do, really?

  The power was still gone; I could tell by the way the campus streetlights were still out. Our Manor lanterns and candles were the only survivors. I had no idea what the time was, but it was well past dusk. I shivered as I looked to the sky, and I couldn’t tell the difference in the horizon between the sky and the ground. I couldn’t see the line where one ended and one began. I raised my torch to the sky. No. The moon itself had been frightened behind the clouds.

  My torch lit up with a funny light, I couldn’t tell if it was real fire or a light bulb. It seemed to waver between the two. I almost dared myself to touch it, but it suddenly made me very afraid. I couldn’t touch it, I couldn’t look at it, so the only thing left to do was trust it. And trust it I did.

  I know we were to walk the campus. The whole campus. It was counting on us. I could make out where the other Guardians were…in the distance, further away, all along the borders. I felt safe. I felt good.

  I walked along the wooded area among the trees, trying to concentrate. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something move. It was a student who didn’t have a torch and was not a GOL member. It was a girl standing nearby, holding herself as though cold and trying to look around campus.

  “Hey,” I called out to her. “Are you all right?”

  I approached her holding out my torch. “Come on, I’ll walk you back to campus.”

  She made no response but I walked up to her anyway. Her hoodie was grey which made it difficult to see in the dark and fog. Her hair was red and curly, but those curls seemed to have lost their bounce and hung heavily by her shoulders. I couldn’t make out her face.

  “Are you lost? Where do you live?”

  The girl turned to look at me and her face came into full view. It was pale—almost too pale. She had giant eye circles under her eyes that gave her entire face a sunk-in feature.

  “Hey. Are you okay?”

  The girl just looked at me. “I’m lost,” she said softly.

  “Okay, you can walk with me,” I said.

  I started on our normal path out of the wooded area. I heard some screams which made me stop. I raised my torch to look. Some people in dumb Party City costumes were running around. I couldn’t tell if they were goofing or legitimately scared, but I decided not to bother myself with them. I kept reminding myself that we were there to protect.

  We came across another student idly hanging out by one of the benches. He had on a black t-shirt and looked cold, too. I got closer to him.

  “Hey. Need to find your way back to your dorm? Which one is it?”

  He looked at me too with that same lost, solemn look the girl had. He did not answer me, just continued to stare at nothing. I shook my head. Was everyone out tonight just getting high or something?

  “I don’t know where I am,” he guy said solemnly.

  “I’ll take you,” I said. “Come on.”

  As I walked with my newly found party I heard another scream.

  “Get away from me!” someone shouted. “I can’t see! Help!”

  I waved my torch, saw other torches nearby and new that other GOL members were present. I wondered if other students thought to have flashlights on them, or at least their cell phones. The people that were now with me had neither, and were quiet and distant, like being outside during a campus-wide blackout was truly scaring them into helplessness.

  We continued down the sidewalk as I strained to make out the campus building outlines in the darkness. All around I still heard screams and shouts. I saw shadows running, I saw people appear and then disappear. I thought to myself that people were truly freaked out by darkness and nothing else, and it was the thrill of Halloween making the students anxious. Then I heard another scream that didn’t sound playful, and got a cold feeling that maybe there was something out here that was dangerous.

  I waved my torch around and kept my eyes forward. “Let’s go up this way,” I said to my followers. I turned to them, only to my first real shock of the day that they were gone.

  I turned around quickly, jerking my light around here and there. Where did they go?

  I couldn’t worry about other students
at that time. Up ahead on the rest of campus I saw more lights and gravitated towards them. There were more students, standing around hanging around. They looked like they had nowhere to go, and they looked like they did not care. I wasn’t sure what to make of them, but they all walked idly on their own and didn’t acknowledge anyone. They were fuzzy in the dark.

  “Let the light come forth! Let the light come back!” I heard some shouting up ahead, and then I joined in.

  Other students ran off—or tried to—in the dark. Most of the campus was still blacked out. I didn’t even know where anyone was. Where people just hiding in their dorms with illegal candles and the light from their phones? Were they at parties huddled together, waiting pathetically for the lights to come back on? Were faculty and staff having their own battles with the circuit breakers and power boxes? It just seemed to me, blindly walking along in nothing but pitch black, that we were the only ones who were trying to do something about it. Even though us walking about with torches didn’t seem like it would do anything. Why would it? For some reason we all walked around with the only light source on campus like we had the power, like we knew the power was ours and it was ours to take away…and then give back. The thought suddenly popped in my head…and I believed it.

  “Bring the Light!” someone yelled. “Show your Light!”

  “Make the darkness leave us!”

  I ran up the sidewalk, waving my torch in every direction I could. I could still see some people roaming around, but I had a hard time catching up to them. Other lights waved up ahead. I knew that at some point I was in between the last dorm buildings.

  “Sky.”

  I jumped about ten feet. His voice I only heard in my visions, but then I was wide awake and heard it right next to me.

  “Dad!”

  “Sky,” this time the voice was further away.

  So what did I do? Like a panicked idiot I ran in the dark, my feet hitting the pavement, a few leaves, and some campus garbage.

  “Dad!” I called out to him. “Can you hear me?”

  “Sky, don’t...”

  I paused, frantically shinning my light in different directions. I couldn’t see him anywhere.

  “Dad? DAD?”

  I ran up ahead, stopping once every few steps and waved my torch around. For some reason I knew that he was gone from the area, and he only could to show himself briefly. I couldn’t make up my mind whether I was frustrated or flattered. At least he stopped just appearing in visions, but why now? Why couldn’t I see him? What was this going to do?

  I strained my eyesight in the dark, trying desperately to see the spirit of my father. I walked along the sidewalk by a parking lot at the end of campus. “I know you’re here,” I said calmly. “I know you’re here with me. Help us bring the light back. Help us bring the light back.”

  Something told me to raise my torch in the air, which I did, and then I saw stretching out all around me the different torches of other GOL members. We were scattered, we were quiet, and we were alone. The campus currently belonged to us. Somehow I knew where we were all supposed to go.

  We walked through the first parking lot that greeted people on campus, crossed the grass on the other side, and climbed the hill towards the back of the property. Soon the hill was dominated by all of the members. The torches came together as one, and we raised them all up in the air. We created the sun that lit the hill; we could see ourselves, we could see each other, in the distance, although still foggy.

  “Bring the Light,” Mitchell, coming out of nowhere, stated.

  “Bring the Light,” we echoed. “Bring the Light.”

  If I told you our torches shone brighter, you would think I was exaggerating or being overdramatic. I was being neither. Our torches shone brighter. We were making the sun. I know this to be a fact because the night around us faded away.

  It was so bright it seemed like the night already turned to day, but that’s exactly what it was. Day.

  We brought our torches down and looked at each other, looked at the new blue sky and all around us at the scene that appeared out of nowhere. Mitchell was more towards the middle of our huddle and he smiled in triumph.

  “Children, we have done it.”

  All we could do was stare at him. Did what? Magically fast forward the night into day? Or were we really out here all night for the time to pass and the sun to come up?

  Chapter 12

  Officially November 1st, it meant fall was now showing its ugly side with the harsher biting winds. It also meant that it was time for the uniform pants: crisp navy blue corduroys. They still felt stiff when I put them on, barely breaking out of their fold lines, but they were still better than that stupid skirt.

  After class, we all gathered in the lower lounge once again. After Mitchell dismissed us to get some rest, he reminded us that we needed to be back after classes to finish the after-Halloween part of the event. We all had to continue the session by wearing white robes to foil our black costumes from the night before. I walked back across campus retracing some of my steps. We were powerful last night. We were because we also had a power among us…and we used it to bring the light back to the campus. The spirits were there. I believed they were since I was convinced I saw several of them. I knew there was some sort of connection between these spirits and the Guardians of Light, and I was determined to find out.

  As we started our meditation session, I put my hood up over my head and felt like a monk about to do some sacred ritual. It sure felt ritualistic as always, but that time it felt a little more with last night’s activities and paranormal encounters. I lost myself in that meditation as a true believer.

  “Channel your Lights,” Mitchell called above the music. “You have found your lights easily before, so you can do it again. Relax your Guardians and look inside your Lights. Find yourselves.”

  We breathed in and out slowly and concentrated. I found myself in a dream. I saw my dorm common room in my thoughts for some reason, the last place I would want to be. It was empty, and that was the only reason I felt comfortable being there. It was not too bright but not too dark. I walked alone and knew I was alone, but the curtains in the window moved. I walked around in it even though I didn’t know where I was walking or why. I could see something right away. At first, it was just a shadow that moved across the floor, but then it rose up into the shape of a person. I felt a lump grow in my throat. Even though the light was long gone from his eyes, it was like it was still there, but now it was all over him. The shadow disappeared and he came out in full view.

  “Dad.”

  “Sky.”

  His voice was so soft I could barely hear it.

  “Dad, is that really you?”

  “Sky…you have to get out of here.”

  His form floated higher by the ceiling, like he was in a rush to be somewhere.

  “What? Wait, come back!”

  “Sky…get out.”

  I jolted awake and the vision was gone. I closed my eyes again tightly in desperation to get it back. To get him back. “Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad,” I whispered frantically. A hand on my shoulder made me open my eyes again and Mitchell was standing over me.

  “Skyler, take it easy,” he said quietly. The others seemed to be too deep in their trances to notice me this time. “Are you all right?”

  “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” I said.

  ***

  After the session ended, everyone herded upstairs to leave. Mitchell asked me to see me while people trickled out of the lounge. I wasn’t all that surprised, knowing it had something to do with my outburst so I approached him with as much courage as I could muster.

  “Skyler, I wanted to make sure you were all right.”

  I paused, wanting to show nothing but strength. We both stood idly by the staircase, me leaning against it casually.

  “Yeah, I’m fine.”

  “This is the second time this happened to you, and I and some of the others are concerned about you. There seems to be something stir
ring inside you that is disturbing your light.”

  “It’s just that…in my visions, I’ve been seeing my Dad. And I feel like he is trying to tell me something. The last meditation he told me I had to ‘get out,’ and I can’t figure out what it means.”

  He stared at me but I know he believed me. He really believed me.

  “That is powerful. Your dad’s Light lives on and is trying to help you with yours. What do you think he wants to tell you?”

  “It might have something to do with my dorm. That was where I saw him. I was in our common room and he was there, telling me I needed to get out.”

  “I see. Your dorm is not the right place for you. They do not have light there, or they are ignoring it.”

  “Right,” I said. “A little of both.”

  “Then you must help them see their lights, Skyler. Perhaps your dad is telling you to get out of the darkness of your dorm. ”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “But I know he is with me.”

  “He is,” Mitchell said with a smile. “The dead are not really dead, you know. Those that are important to us in life remain important to us forever. Even in the afterlife. They will find a way to reconnect. So know that you are never alone, even when you feel that way. You are not. You are surrounded by people who care.”

  “I believe in that,” I said. “Thanks.”

  “Anytime. Just remember you have the power to spread the Light to others.”

  I believed Mitchell didn’t just mean that as a metaphor.

  ***

  The next day’s classes made me feel more alert than my usual grande coffee. I didn’t even need it. All day I thought about going back to The Manor. I needed to know more about the spirits that were a part of the house, the woods, and more…

  After leaving my last class, I made my way back there. I didn’t see too many familiar faces hanging out. Damien must have rushed off to his next class so I couldn’t get his thoughts. My own thoughts, however, focused on the walls in this very house.

  I walked down a corridor, walking a little slower than usual. I had the courage in me to explore the parts of the house I had never seen before, including the upstairs area. It was quiet, quiet even with resident students chatting in adjacent rooms, but something made me want to touch the wall. The gothic floral wallpaper flattened a bit under my hand, one flower’s petals closely resembling a broken heart. Did the wall move? I pressed my hand against it, almost feeling it move. Up a little bit, and then down a little bit. I took my hand away slowly, not reacting, even though the thought that ran through my head was that the wall was breathing.