My Soul To Keep

by Jackie Sonnenberg

  ***

  I stretched out on my bed as tiny snow sprinkles fell down my window. All my emotions were drained out of me, and I felt peaceful. I thought about the Peter Pan quote: “To die…would be an awfully big adventure.” That’s what it was. It was an adventure, and it was something we were all going to face at some point. It was inevitable. Maybe the spirits and the higher power we put our faith in we trying to protect us after all. They knew that this was going to happen, so this is why they isolated us like this, this is why they started appearing to Mitchell in dreams to tell him the truths they knew. Life was going to end, but we still had something ahead of us. We had the mystical mystery of the afterlife. My cheeks, stiff with dry tears, hurt a bit as I smiled.

  Chapter 37

  December 19th, 2012.

  Two days remained on Earth, and only one day for the Guardians of Light to make their special exit. The halls were somber on this day, everyone walked around light-paced and quiet, focused. We put on brave faces as we acknowledged each other, and the atmosphere around us…for it had also changed. We could not see them, but we could feel them. There was a presence in every room, every hallway, and almost every corner. They drifted up to the ceiling and tampered with the overhead lighting. They dashed down the halls to create bursts of cold air as a constant reminder. At one point, sitting in the kitchen, I saw that they started to create a snowstorm. I heard miniature snow cyclones rush in between the trees in the woods, saw the trees themselves disappear behind a gray sky, and watched snow fall in clumps too large to be snowflakes. We were supposed to be snowed in, after all.

  The rest of the campus went home for Christmas break. We, however, would not be leaving campus, but we would be going home...

  Mitchell wanted us to spend every waking moment together, and his enforced schedule was nothing to sneer at. He at one point put up a bulletin board in the upper lounge and would write inspiring messages on it. Sometimes there were even special orders or rules to follow. From time to time we all started to notice different things change on the bulletin board, some words taken away and added, but no one said anything, and no one even blinked at the changes. I noticed right away that we were not to go anywhere alone, especially today. It said, clear as day, “All Lights are to be in groups of pairs, never separated, and no one is permitted to leave The Manor unattended.” To separate ourselves from the group meant that we were breaking the bond, and this was a big offense. It was so big that Mitchell decided to enforce it a little more.

  After breakfast in the mess hall, Mitchell brought us back to the bulletin board. This was the only time that he actually acknowledged a change made on there as opposed to pretending not to notice it.

  Mitchell stood before the board now, his face almost as white as it.

  “Children, today we must continue to enforce the unbreakable bond we all have together. We must preserve it and keep it strong.”

  Without breaking his eye contact with the group Mitchell pulled a ball of yarn from his pocket, bright and festive red good enough for any Christmas wrapping…if that was what it was for.

  “We tie that bond together today to remember so. Like the double helix of DNA, we will form our own linkage. We will spend time physically connected to one another. This will help us grow our bond strong and preserve us as a group once we leave Earth. We will assemble starting now, and you may only leave to take care of personal matters. Pretty soon we will not have to confine to the burdens of human bodily functions at all. We can no longer stand the weakness of our bodies. Come together, my Lights!”

  We lined up—almost perfectly—in the similar Jacob’s ladder fashion. The yarn that held us together acted as a belt: tied around one waist and then across to another.

  I couldn’t decide if this was more awkward for me or more convenient. I would be surrounded by other people for the whole day. I could even get pushed around today, but that meant I needed to be extra careful not to run anyone over. I was across from a girl I didn’t know that well, which was fine because no one felt like having lengthy discussions like this.

  There was apparently one person who wanted to have a discussion with me, because I caught him looking at me.

  He was attached to Iris, of course, as she probably wouldn’t have it any other way. I first noticed he was acting funny for at least a few days, but today it was finally getting to him. Today it was like it was finally hitting him, but that couldn’t have been it. It seemed like it was something else, and for the first time in a long time, I saw some of the old Damien I came to miss. One time, in passing, I could have sworn he almost smiled at me, like his eyes were waving a white flag. He had so much pain in them when he looked at me, but I saw something else. It wasn’t cruelty, it wasn’t fearful, it was just…Damien. Damien with his old self again.

  After a drowsy meditation session, we were sent to bed. I obviously did not intend on falling right to sleep as soon as Carol plopped me down on my blankets. I only slept for a little while when I heard a knock on my door, and I knew it was not coming from a dream.

  I sat up and squinted in the dark. The knock was faint at first, but then pounded again a little louder. My door opened with a slow creek.

  “Sky?” I heard my name whispered.

  “Damien?” I said loudly.

  He came in and shut the door, and I heard him feel his way around for my desk lamp.

  I reacted the way anyone would and shielded my eyes.

  “I’m…so sorry…”

  I opened my eyes and looked at him. His eyes were tired and his hair disheveled. He looked like he slept very little, or not at all. He sat down on my bed and looked me in the eye. I didn’t need much to tell me that he was officially snapped out of it. Before I could say anything his face scrunched up in sorrow.

  “I am so, so sorry.”

  For the first time I saw Damien cry, the awkward way guys do with their fists at their foreheads in shame.

  He struggled with his words in between little hiccups.

  “I was wrong, it was wrong of me to be so shitty to you after everything that happened, but it was because I was so scared something was going to happen and you didn’t deserve it and Iris—

  I hugged him.

  “Shut up, it’s okay.”

  “No, it’s not! Iris said all that crap and made me believe it, but I don’t even like her anyway, she’s so controlling and—

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  “NO, you have to listen to me.”

  Damien looked me at direct eye level, his face so stern and serious it made my own expression fall.

  “I found out some stuff. From Iris. About what is going on and what has been going on. They’ve been drugging us.”

  “What?”

  “They’ve been drugging everyone but us! Remember when we weren’t involved with the tornado and how everyone else seemed to be completely brainwashed but us? It’s the cookies and the banana bread and stuff. They have been putting something in all the baked goods and feeding them to everybody—

  “But we didn’t eat them!” I interrupted.

  “Exactly,” Damien spat. “Any time we ate our snacks and not theirs, we weren’t drugged up.”

  I sat there and let this sink in. It was so sneaky, so under-the-table manipulative. I wanted to scream. They were drugging kids. We were screwed up mentally as well as physically. Only Damien and I were the only ones who still had part of our consciences. At least part of them.

  “Oh my God,” I answered. “So that’s what Iris said? She told you all of that?”

  “Yeah, but she wasn’t supposed to. No one is supposed to know about it but she wanted me to be in on it, and I had to tell you. She is super serious about it. All the members are, especially the older high school kids. I just…I just felt really weird. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, or what she made me think these past couple of days, and I am so sorry for being such a jerk to you, but I’m glad it made me think…and now we can focus on what to do. Or wha
t not to do.”

  I looked at him. “So we watch what we eat from now on. What about the food? The spaghetti? I won’t even eat that.”

  “No, it’s not the food, whatever Mitchell is making Carol put in it’s in the baked stuff. It’s easier to hide I guess and just enough to make everybody more stupid and weak.”

  “Well, we’re not stupid and weak,” I said, my eyes hardening. “As long as we can keep them from drugging us and messing with our heads we can get out of here.”

  “That’s what I want to believe…but you and I both know the things that Mitchell, this group, and the ghosts are capable of if we don’t play along.”

  I shuddered a bit as I looked out the window, knowing the isolated cloud of fog we were in the middle of.

  “Well what are they going to do? Blow up the world?”

  “Oh jeez Sky, don’t say it like that!”

  “We’re past this now, Damien.”

  For the first time in what felt like eons, I sat up a little straighter. It was like my backbone woke up.

  “We have to go along with everything like we know nothing, and you see if Iris says anything else about what Mitchell says about December 21st. Whatever he’s planning we need to be on top of it. And we will be. You know what else you need to do? Stock up on more supplies.”

  He smiled a little, but only a little. The weight of the situation before us could not be lifted.

  We both paused, listening for anything outside the door or anything within the walls. Our conversation stayed private.

  Chapter 38

  December 20th, 2012.

  We woke up almost simultaneously, getting out of bed and lightly pulling our sheets over our pillows. We moved as one, we worked as one, dressing and trickling downstairs to the mess hall. Even though it was Christmas Break, Mitchell ordered us to all be in uniform. We had to look our best for our grand exit, of course. We felt solemn and silent but at the same time, peaceful. Everyone had a creepy smile on their faces. “It’s going to happen tonight,” I heard some whisper.

  Damien and I didn’t act out of the ordinary. We couldn’t. We blended in and showed no signs of rebel. We were afraid to step one toe out of line and show any difference. We could not show any signs of hesitation. Our faces became stone and stayed that way, but on the inside, we were screaming. Each member wore the special occasion cloaks that day…these white ones covering us from head to toe, head and all. It was crucial that The White Light see us in our attire. We were white Lights on our own. The Manor was filled with these individual white lights, all spread out but together. It was also filled with candles on every windowsill and table. It had to have been the entire collection.

  It became a silent day, that day. It flowed together in an almost dream sequence of eating and meditating with very little talking or activities. Whenever we meditated, Damien and I sat side by side. Everywhere we went, he carried me. In a way, I carried him too.

  At night, we gathered in the lower lounge for what would be our final mediation session. Mitchell’s eyes swam and glazed over, but no tears fell. He kept those in, almost afraid of letting any part of his soul out. It was not time for that yet.

  “My children… all my children…” he announced, standing before the fireplace and addressing us, all of us. He even looked to the ceiling and to the walls, no doubt addressing those others.

  “Judgment Day is the day of peace and reflection. Soon we will be casting off our shells, these guardian bodies of ours. We don’t need them anymore. We are strong enough to stand on our own. We have left our bodies several times. Soon it will be time to leave them for good.”

  A gust of wind blew through the fireplace, a coughing, painful gasp that turned into a weak whisper.

  “Yes,” Mitchell answered it. “We are coming.”

  Damien and I held our breath as Mitchell walked over to a table, where we saw a tray of neatly lined up pudding glasses. They were staring at us in the face, twisted into distorted smiles in each cup.

  “Come up and get yours…and then proceed to your bedrooms. I want you all to relax and take your time if needed. Reflect in a journal if you wish. But do not linger too long. The sooner we can all meet together again is crucial. We need to leave Earth before it is no more. Enjoy your bedtime snack but make sure to eat all of it, as we will need some sustenance when we travel, then lie in your beds and allow your souls to finally escape.”

  Mitchell might not have allowed his tears to fall, but some of the others did. I couldn’t tell if it was out of fear, or belief, but some of the others could not hide their emotions. Some sniffed and wiped their faces with their cloaks but did not say anything.

  “Come, my Lights,” Mitchell said, holding out the tray.

  And so, we went. One by one we took our glasses. And then we left. We left Mitchell standing there, watching us all leave, saving the very last pudding on the tray for himself. He stayed until we all got to our rooms first, but I was never sure if he waited. I was not sure if he absolutely wanted to be the first, or the last.

  As usual, Damien lifted me up to take me to my room. I held our two pudding glasses while he carried me down the floor. “Trade you for a swirl?” I whispered.

  He nodded, and dropped me on my bed.

  “Now what?” he whispered.

  “We wait for a minute until the others settle down…then come back here. We need to stay awake this time. We need to watch to see what happens. If weird shit starts to happen then we can stop everybody. We can wake them up.”

  Damien agreed and left my room for the moment. I sat as straight up as I could, knowing perfectly well that Damien and I would probably not be sleeping that night. The others would eat that drugged up pudding and then…something.

  I put my pudding glass on my dresser, as far away to the wall as I could. Nothing was going to touch me anymore. I was not going to do that meditation…at least not the same one as the others. Instead I steadied my breathing pattern and closed my eyes.

  Stay with me, Dad. I know you’re around here somewhere. Stay with me and give me the strength I need. Please. Give me strength. I am not with them anymore. I am not with them anymore.

  My own spirit was intact and that was exactly how it should be.

  I listened, listened for everything and anything that would happen in these walls. I listened for spirits creaking under the floorboards, but the only thing I heard was Damien making his way back, carefully. He came into my room without the slightest squeak, and in his arms were blankets and a bag of food with two Pepsis. He spread the blankets on the floor and opened the bag, taking out some chips and popcorn and two cups of chocolate and vanilla swirl pudding.

  I got down off the bed, Damien and I fueling on our little picnic but careful not to make noise—any noise—as our ears strained for house activity. I watched him tilt his head towards the window, afraid that if he chewed too loudly he would miss something. I then started to smooth the blanket around me, taking things to line the edges with such as the Little Debbie snack cakes he brought.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Forming a circle,” I answered. “A protective circle. Help me. We’re going to try something.”

  We got the blanket all lined around the edges, like we were at the beach and preventing our towel from blowing away. Damien and I sat in the center facing each other and squeezed hands, squeezing our eyes shut as well.

  “Just breathe and concentrate,” I instructed. “Let’s see if we can…do something.”

  I am not sure exactly what Damien meditated on, but I know I wanted to make a protective barrier…around us and the house and the whole world, if I could. I knew I didn’t need the Guardians of Light—or Mitchell—anymore and from that point on I was going to be working free of them. I concentrated on that circle, imagining we were sitting on clouds that took us out of the Manor and out of school.

  We peeked an eye open once in a while, training our ears towards the walls and door for anything out of the ordinary—or
anything at all. I don’t know what we were expecting that we were equally terrified of. A rumbling that would be the beginning of hideous earthquake? I did not feel any rumbling, but just the opposite. In what seemed like the later hours of the night I started to let go of my tension, breathe it all out, because it seemed like the house did the same. It was as though it had breath it held this whole time, air stuck behind the walls in one upright inhale that finally just let go. Damien and I let go of our tension along with our expectation.

  After I while I checked the clock: 4:12 A.M

  “It’s December 21st,” I remarked.

  We looked at each other, then out the window, where all we could see was the darkness that was our only company.

  “Do you think it was just another meditation?” he asked.

  “It has to be,” I answered looking up at the ceiling. “It might just be that.”

  “Nothing happened… at least not yet.”

  “No.”

  We had some blankets wrapped around ourselves, for warmth or protection, I don’t know.

  “Nothing is going to happen,” I finally said, not sure how I knew this.

  “So now what?”

  “I can’t wait to see what Mitchell has to say about this when everybody wakes up. Let him explain it. And watch everyone lose their faith in all this crap. No believers means no power.”

  Damien and I did not want to go to sleep yet, still wary of the quiet. It was the longest and most excruciating night of our lives. We struggled to stay awake at times, but the heaviness in our heads traveled down to the rest of our bodies and made it hard to sit upright. I started to doze first, and I know this because Damien scooped me up without a word and put me in my bed. Then, he laid back down on his blanket spread, using his sweatshirt as a pillow.

  I worked all my mental power to connect with my dad’s spirit, to ask for his protection, and I felt him. I felt him watching over me as I went to sleep, drug-free, but still vulnerable in ways I did not want to be.