Light Up My Life

by Winters, Bella

  Her lips kissed mine again, massaging them, moving them back and forth from her kiss to mine. I inhaled a big scent of her being into me and I held it there with my internal embrace.

  I opened my mouth a little wider and began to massage her tongue with my own. She moaned softly at. I could tell she was really getting worked up. Then suddenly, Kat pulled back. She was almost gasping now with passion. “Ok, that’s getting intense.”

  “I enjoyed it. What’s wrong with a little intensity?” I asked. I was curious to see how she would answer it put so bluntly.

  She laughed. “Nothing wrong with it, but I’m not quite ready… I mean, what is this exactly?”

  I shrugged. “Why do we have to define it? Why can’t we just allow things to go the way they naturally will?”

  “I just don’t know if I’m ready for anything to get serious. I got out of a big relationship a little while ago. I also have so many things going on in my life that I just don’t want to start anything right now.”

  “So far I hear a lot of excuses. If something feels right, then I think we should go for it. And why do we have to slap a label on everything? Can’t we just let things be?”

  She stared at me for a moment as if trying to decide if I was joking or not. I looked back into her beautiful gaze without any flinching emotions at all. I was ready to take whatever excuses she might have had and toss them aside. I could tell that Kat had a wall up around her. It kept the world at bay. In fact, it was one of the things that attracted me most to her. She was a beautiful, strong, independent woman who had a lot of demons and so much baggage. It was deceptively hidden of course, but I’ve always been a great judge of people as well and I could tell that there was something else there lurking beneath the surface. That was in fact, what I found most intriguing about her. She was the kind of woman you might ever really get to know, unless you were one of the lucky ones. Then you should consider yourself damn special. And I wanted to be that special.

  “Labels are convenient,” she said. “They are important because they draw the lines of expectations. That’s important. And right now, I don’t need a ‘kind of’ relationship happening in my life. I’m not looking for anything casual. I’m not looking for a booty call. And I’m not looking to fall in love with the perfect guy or anything. That’s what I meant. It wouldn’t be fair to either one of us for me to keep my mouth shut and let this develop deeper if my heart isn’t in it. You get that, right?”

  “Sure,” I said. “I get it.”

  I wanted to add more, to explain to her how I could tell that most of what she’d just said came from the voice of the defense mechanism in her brain. She was afraid to get close to someone. Maybe because of what happened to her parents. Or maybe she had other close loved ones die under horrible circumstances. I didn’t know. I wanted to ask more questions. I wanted to delve deeper, but I knew that would only piss her off at this point and she’d push me away quickly. If this would ever be anything at all, I would have to let her get there in her own time.

  Life was too short to go chasing love where it didn’t want to be found.

  Chapter Ten

  Kat

  Lance seemed to understand what I was telling him last night, but I wasn’t so sure he really did. Or if he did, then he definitely wasn’t too concerned with it. In a way that kind of turned me off, but it turned me on as well. He was so confident and so sure of himself, but not in a cocky way. Sure, some of that was borderline cocky, but truthfully deep down I did not see that. I saw a genuinely nice guy who felt that he didn’t owe the world anything and the world didn’t owe him anything. He was not going to let anyone make him waver on a decision. He was comfortable making those hard decisions.

  “You are going out with him again tonight?”

  Kayley appeared beside me in the bathroom as I was getting ready. She almost startled me, but I was so used to her just barging in there that it barely fazed me at all.

  “If you must know, yes,” I said.

  “Why? I thought you had the talk with him and told him that you weren’t going to date anyone right now?”

  “Yeah, I did. But he asked me if I wanted to have dinner with him tonight and I said I would. It was kind of a spur of the moment sort of thing.”

  Kayley looked at my reflection in the mirror and put her head on my shoulder. She had that devilish grin she always wore when she was up to no good or thinking some naughty thoughts. This was a good deal of the time. She had no patience for boredom.

  “What?” I laughed.

  “You can’t fool me.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means that you can’t fool me. I can tell you really like this guy, but you are just so afraid to admit it because it doesn’t fit snugly into your little plan, does it?”

  “You are crazy,” I replied. “I do like him, but I’m not going to get serious with him. He just asked me to go to dinner at a great restaurant and it sounds like a lot of fun. He is fun to hang out with. We get along fantastic. So, why wouldn’t I go?”

  “So, there are no romantic feelings between you two? There is nothing in the works?”

  “No, nothing is in the works,” I said. “But… we did… um… kiss…”

  “Yes! I knew it!” Kayley put her hands up.

  I laughed but held my hand up. “No. You have to calm down. Nothing happened. I put an end to it because I decided I had to set him straight on some things. That was when we had the talk about everything. That isn’t going to happen again.”

  “Wow, that must have been a big mood killer,” Kayley said. “But I doubt that it will stop there.”

  “What makes you so sure? You are hardly an expert in the field.”

  “No, but let me ask you this. Was it a good kiss? Did you enjoy it?”

  I wanted to answer her fast. I wanted to tell her no, that she didn’t get it. But she was right on this. She did get it. I did feel electricity in that kiss. I felt fire, hunger, true desire, and total passion. I never wanted it to end. I wanted things to continue moving forward until there was no turning back. I wanted him. I needed him more than I ever wanted to admit. But for whatever reason, I would not let him in. I could not lower my guard and give my heart to someone.

  I kept telling myself it was for different reasons, but I could not continue to lie to myself that much longer in good faith. No, I needed to just realize that this could get serious so fast that my head would spin. And a part of me wanted it that way. I was admitting it now. I hoped something big happened between the two of us.

  “Of course I enjoyed it,” I said. “I mean…it was amazing. It was quite possibly the best kiss I’d ever had.”

  Her mouth was practically on the floor. She was giggling and jumping up and down like a psycho. I couldn’t hold back the laughter at her expressions. Wow, she was really getting into this, wasn’t she? Damn… I may have created a monster by letting her into my personal life too far. But then again, that was basically Kayley’s mission in life. She lived to interfere and force people out of their comfort zones.

  “You are going to get laid tonight!” Kayley cheered.

  “No, I’m not. I told you. It is just dinner. You need to calm yourself down.”

  “Ok, fine, but I won’t wait up for you.”

  “Why would you?” I asked. “You should call Billy to come over and the two of you can have a bit of a pow wow.”

  “It’s Chester; I dumped Billy two weeks ago.”

  “I can’t keep up with you.”

  “And Chester is out of town. He said his grandmother died and he had to attend the funeral. I don’t know. He is probably lying.”

  “That’s horrible to say,” I said.

  “Yeah, but it’s most likely true.”

  “I don’t know how you do it. How do you have this many casual relationships?”

  “Are you calling me the S word?”

  Kayley was now giggling.

  “Maybe,” I teased.

  �
�Well, up yours. And I just don’t get emotionally involved.”

  “I wish I had that ability. It would make my life so much simpler.”

  I finished getting ready and headed out the door. “Have fun. Do all the things I would do and then make them really bad.”

  I waved at my friend just as Lance’s car pulled up to pick me up. He was driving a sports car. A corvette. It looked very new, very shiny, and a bit flashy. It was red. I couldn’t help but love the car, especially as I sat down in the leather seats.

  The car smelled immaculate. I couldn’t place the air freshener, but I had a feeling that the car always smelled like new car mixed with a subtle hint of some kind of fruit. That was lovely.

  “Wow, you look amazing,” Lance said as I slid into the car.

  “Thanks,” I replied. “You look pretty damn good yourself.”

  He smiled and off we went.

  The restaurant was fantastic. It was a place called Amoused Bouche Bistro. It was a quaint little place from the outside, but once inside it was beautifully done with a lot of sweet details that added to the atmosphere. There were rare flowers at every entrance point from one side of the restaurant to the other one. Sweet music filled the air as well, drifting down from the upper floor where five men in fine suits were playing violins together. It sounded beautiful.

  We were quickly shown to our table. The seats were very plush and comfortable, much more than they appeared to be. As I sat down, I felt myself sink into it just a little bit and I suddenly felt as if I was home relaxing with good company instead of in public. This place knew how to make their patrons feel welcome. The atmosphere was like something out of a really swank foreign film that had a level of sophistication and class the average film goer was not used to. I was already having a blast just being there with Lance.

  The waiter arrived and Lance ordered for us. I was impressed. I’d never been out with a guy who actually did that before. It was a classy move, one that kind of turned me on. I loved the deft way that Lance dealt with the waiter, taking charge of the situation instead of letting the waiter dictate the pace of everything. The man was struggling to keep up with Lance as he quickly took care of the process. Lance had that take-charge way about him that was strong and secure without being in any way bullying. He was smooth.

  I loved that.

  “So, you’ve never been here before?” Lance asked after the waiter had left.

  “No,” I replied. “I take it you’ve been here a time or two? It seems that a lot of the staff are already familiar with you.”

  He shrugged. “I’ve been here a few times. They have amazing steaks actually. One of the few higher classed joints that actually serve real, solid food.”

  The waiter appeared just then with the bottle of wine Lance had ordered. He opened the bottle and poured us both a good glass of red wine. Then he carefully wiped the mouth of the bottle with a cloth napkin and then sat the bottle down before leaving.

  I took a sip of the wine. It was delicious. Full bodied, a hint of sweet, and a robust flavor that made me feel warm and fuzzy from the very first taste. I smiled with delight as the liquid settled in my stomach and I felt the alcohol hitting my bloodstream.

  “Wow, that’s sweet,” I said. “Great choice.”

  “I enjoy a good wine,” Lance said. “My father actually has an extensive wine collection. He’s been collecting to it and adding to it for years. It’s one of his prized collections actually. Kind of sad, but he is a wine guy. He is also a big whiskey aficionado. I think he just does that because that is something rich people are supposed to do.”

  “I’ve never understood why rich people feel they have to act a certain way,” I said. “If I ever came into a bunch of money, I would stay the same. I wouldn’t let it change me.”

  “A lot of people say that,” Lance replied. “But money has a way of affecting change. The thing is, most of the time it changes everyone else around you. Everybody else treats you differently while you stay the same. It’s bizarre from what I hear. Of course, I grew up with my family already privileged, so I’m only speaking from what I’ve observed.”

  “What was it like growing up rich? Knowing you could basically have whatever you wanted whenever you wanted?”

  He shrugged. I could tell that the question kind of bothered him. It was probably a question he’d been asked many times over in his life.

  “I don’t know how to answer that since it’s all I knew growing up. It took me a while to realize that not everyone lived that way. And it was tough at school. My father insisted that I go to public school so that I would see how the real world worked. This led to me having to learn to fight off bullies at a young age. As soon as the other kids realized who my father was and that we had money, it automatically made me a big target. That’s one of the reasons I took up martial arts initially.”

  “I also dealt with some bullying and it led me to martial arts,” I replied. “Which is a good thing because I honestly don’t know where I’d be without it. I’ve been away from it for a while and now I’ve come back to it. I can’t believe I ever actually stopped doing it.”

  “Why did you stop?”

  I was quiet for a moment. “I stopped when my parents died. After that, I just didn’t feel like doing it. Hell, I didn’t feel like doing anything. I kind of slipped into a dark depression that I’m just now starting to come out of.”

  “Wow, I’m sorry to hear that,” Lance said. “I can only imagine how tough that was.”

  “I was eighteen, a freshman at college. They died in a car accident. And I just crumbled. Suddenly, I couldn’t afford my next semester at school, and I had to get a job and pay my bills. Most of the life insurance money they had, went for funeral costs and to pay the other driver’s medical bills. Apparently, my father was at fault in the accident somehow. He ran a red light and broadsided someone. I believe he might have fallen asleep at the wheel. My father was a diabetic and his blood sugar often dropped, and he passed out if it became unstable.”

  Lance reached over and touched my hand gently. His touch felt good, reassuring. I loved the way he could comfort me so well with just the slightest of gestures. He radiated warmth. I knew right then that I was falling hard for this man. I could fight it as much as I wanted, try to tell myself I wasn’t going to let it happen because it didn’t feel like the right time, that it would somehow get in the way of my plans and my newfound ambition for my life, but at the end of the day those were just deflections to protect my heart. I was scared. I was afraid to love anyone or let them get close to me. I wasn’t sure I could handle losing them if something tragic were to happen.

  I wiped tears from my eyes.

  “It’s ok,” Lance said. “You are strong. You are a survivor. I know your parents would both be so proud of you.”

  “Thanks,” I replied.

  The food came shortly after and we both dug in. It was delicious. I’d ordered a salmon and it was the most amazing thing I’d ever eaten. Every single bite tasted like a little bit of Heaven. And it seemed to pair perfectly with the wine I was drinking. I’ve always wondered about wine pairings and which goes with what, but it wasn’t something I’d ever really thought about.

  “So, what is the plan now?” Lance asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, what is next on the path of your life? I’m one of those people who always has to be working towards some kind of a goal. It’s a bit of a sickness really. I feel that if I’m not working towards something then I’m somehow just stagnating, going backwards. It’s not in my nature to not keep moving.”

  “I used to be that way and lately I feel like I’ve had a bit of an awakening to get back to that point. It’s a good feeling knowing that you are working towards something. Right now, I’m working on getting back in shape for kickboxing, teaching the class, and I might be getting back into competitive fast pitch softball again.”

  His eyes went wide with surprise. “Really? Well, that sounds awesome.”<
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  “Yeah, a pro team out of Cleveland are having tryouts, so I’m going to give it a shot. I probably won’t make it, but it is worth the try.”

  “Right on,” he said. “I’ll bet you will be great.”

  He reached over and took my hand again. He held it warmly in his and kissed it softly. His mouth sent shivers of excitement up and down my arm. I felt fortunate to be there with him tonight and I could tell that the way things were going, I might lower the wall I’d built around myself and we would make love before the evening was through. I wanted him. It was that pure and simple. I knew that I was doing something out of character for me, I was stepping past some boundaries that I had set for myself and it caused me anxiety, but I didn’t care anymore. I was done with all that. I just wanted to step out and let things go freely for once.

  I stared up into his eyes and I felt my whole body begin to melt. Oh, yeah...tonight was going to be epic.

  * * *

  “I’ve always been a fan of Chicago,” Lance said. “The city is great, but the band is fantastic.” He smiled as he turned the stereo up just enough to hear the sweet sounds in the background. It was a beautiful mood enhancer. I wasn’t sure if Lance had set all this up in anticipation, or if he always had the vibe in his house this way. But I was enjoying myself beyond what I ever thought I would. I had anticipated a friendly evening of good conversation and great food, but the chemistry was undeniable. We had this beautiful attraction to each other that nothing could have prepared me for. And to my surprise, I was not resisting it at all.

  “It sounds good,” I said.

  Lance handed me a glass of wine and sat down on the couch beside me. The room was darkened, with the lights lowered to just the right level. The wine, the music, and the lighting all added up to a very romantic environment. That combined with Lance and the smooth way he operated things was enough to make me melt.