No Shift, Sherlock: A Vampire Hunter Urban Fantasy Mystery (The Legend of Nyx Book 3)

by Theophilus Monroe

  I smiled. "I know some people judge me, Devin. I've always known that. But if I tell myself they're checking me out, well, then it's a little easier to handle. Do you realize, literally everywhere I go, there are people who point and stare? If I let that get to me, I don't know how I could function."

  "So you convince yourself of some fairy tale that the world's a beautiful place without hate?"

  I ran my fingers through my hair. "I hunt vampires, Devin. I know there's darkness in the world. But I can't let hateful or evil creatures, whether they're judgmental humans or bloodsucking vampires, affect my life. We literally just got back from New Orleans, where Dr. Cain and I spent hours trying to convince your mom she isn't evil. Trying to convince her to see the good in who she is, even as a vampire."

  "Right," Devin said. "That's different. You're convincing her to love herself for who she is, despite what she is. And I appreciate that, Nicky. She's my mom, after all. But how do you think it would go for her if she walked into the church that houses the Order for the Morning Dawn and accused them all of harboring a secret vampire fetish?"

  I laughed. "Alright, Devin. I see your point. All I did was give the man a couple complimentary tickets. If he is a transphobic hater, he won't come. If he does, well, maybe he'll see something beautiful, something worth accepting and embracing."

  "So what is it, Nicky? You're living in denial of people's hate, so you don't have to think about it, or you're trying to change people to see the beauty of our lifestyle?"

  I shrugged. "Both."

  Devin nodded. "Well, no matter. We hit a dead end here no matter how you look at it."

  I snorted. "Now you've got the funeral home jokes."

  Devin facepalmed himself with one hand while he continued to steer with the other. "That was totally unintentional."

  I winked at Devin. "Sure it was. But you're right. The good news is if this was a dead-end, as you put it, then it's also a dead-end for Mina. She has the same information we do."

  "I hope you're right. Unless she had another idea about how to use the information."

  "At the very least, none of the funeral directors mentioned any little old ladies asking about the same thing. You'd think one of them would be like 'funny thing you ask, someone else was just asking the same thing.'"

  Devin sighed. "I'm not sure that's a good thing. Of course, maybe she showed up right behind us. She's the one coming second. But if that's not what happened, I can't imagine Mina is doing nothing with the information my mom gave her."

  I nodded. "I agree. I suppose we need to try and work this from another angle. I suppose we could be barking up the wrong tree entirely. Maybe that business card your mom found in your dad's pocket had nothing to do with the grimoire at all."

  "In that case, maybe we can let it go? If my dad, compelled by Wolfgang, hid it that well, it's probably best the thing is never found."

  "I'd be tempted to agree if I believed for a second that Mina would ever give up looking for the grimoire."

  "Might as well enjoy the auditions."

  I smiled. The club was getting so popular we were expanding our shows. I'd still headline. Gina—Geraldo's drag queen persona—would still open for me. But we were adding backup singers and a few dancers. I figured if they were good enough, I could give the best of them a shot on Gina's night off. "Who do we have auditioning today?"

  Devin unlocked his phone and tossed it at me. "Check the calendar."

  I swiped my finger to the left, found his calendar icon, and tapped it with my index finger. "You scheduled three auditions in one day?"

  Devin bit the inside of his cheek. "Did I?"

  I sighed. "Devin, how are we going to audition three people two hours before tonight's show?"

  "My bad. Maybe bring them in all at once? I had so many samples sent in when we posted on your Facebook page for auditions that anyone I scheduled should be pretty good. I don't think it will take long to know if it's a go or not."

  I scratched the back of my head. "It's not just about how well they can sing or dance, Devin. I need to see their stage presence. I need to feel their spirit."

  Devin snorted. "Feel their spirit? What kind of bullcrap is that?"

  I chuckled. "You're a witch. You know exactly what it is."

  "I'm a warlock. Don't misgender me, dude!"

  I bit my lip. "Dudette, actually."

  "Exactly!"

  I smiled. "I see your point. I always thought of witch as a pretty gender-neutral term. A lot of men who practice witchcraft go by witch rather than warlock."

  "Look, you get to choose your pronouns. I get to choose what I want to be known as within the veil of the craft. And I like warlock."

  "Speaking of witches," I said. "Let me text Malinda and let her know to start setting things up for the auditions. We're going to be pressed for time as it is."

  Devin nodded. I tapped away on his phone, my clumsy fingers hitting all the wrong keys on the artificial digital keyboard that appeared at the bottom of his screen whenever I tried to text. These keyboards were supposed to be smart, to figure out what you meant based on where you tapped and the other letters in any given word. If that was the case, though, I was confused why my text was so full of typos.

  Malinda. I need I to get the vlub redy 4 additions.

  First, why in the world would autocorrect change U to I? I know U isn't a word, but I was texting, not trying to write a term paper or a novel. Not like anyone would write something like that on a phone. Second, if the keyboard was really smart, why in the world wouldn't it autocorrect vlub to club? The v and c are right next to each other! And vlub isn't a word. With respect to additions I figured I must've misspelled auditions and it assumed that was what I meant. As if I was asking Malinda to get ready for some kind of math bee or something.

  I was beginning to think the term smartphone was an oxymoron.

  You know, like jumbo shrimp, a definite maybe, or the male intellect.

  Just kidding about that last one. I know there are plenty of smart men out there. They're sort of like unicorns. Hard to find, but always horny, just like the rest of them.

  I glanced at my unicorn—my Devin. Damn, he looked sexy when he drove. Sure, he'd probably look hotter driving a truck or something that showed his ruggedness. He wasn't a total pretty boy. He was the perfect combination of frat boy and lumberjack. Handsome and pretty, but with a rugged edge that set him apart. And that rule about unicorns—see above—applied. Lately, he'd been practically insatiable. It took me a long time to give myself to him. Sure, I was several hundred years old, technically speaking. But I'd only been a human for a few years. So, in some ways, I was a wise, old sage. In other ways, when it came to things that were distinctly human, like lovemaking, I was immature, adolescent, and naïve.

  Devin's phone, still in my lap, vibrated. I looked at the screen. Malinda had texted back.

  Already dun. Facetiming wit Hailey now. Talk l8r.

  I rolled my eyes. At least I wasn't the only one whose texts looked like they'd been written by a kindergartner. Hailey was a blood witch, like Malinda, only much more powerful and accomplished. Hailey played a significant role in helping us thwart Mina and a couple of her nightwalkers in New Orleans. Malinda had been a patient at the Vilokan Asylum of the Magically and Mentally Deranged. She'd dabbled in bloodwitchery herself. Only, Malinda was something of an amateur. When she was at the asylum she was in a catatonic state. She had been for years. I'd met her there the first time I was committed. Shortly after I became human and had to learn eating humans was no longer acceptable. When we were there this last time, though, I figured out how to free Malinda from the backfired hex that had put her in such a condition. Since she didn't have any parents—well, not good ones, anyway—she decided to come back with Devin and me and start a new life in Kansas City.

  She needed a job. So I gave her one. She was my new talent manager. Don't let the title fool you. It basically meant she was a gopher for all the performers. She made sure ev
erything was ready in our dressing rooms. She kept us stocked up on lipstick, mascara, blush, and all the necessities.

  I wasn't paying her much. She had free rent, after all, and I was feeding her. For the most part, she did her job well enough. But work wasn't her passion. Bloodwitchery was her thing. Whenever she had a free moment, she was working on her skills. Apprenticing under Hailey via video chat—they were twenty-first-century witches, after all—she was constantly working on a new spell, a new way to leverage the power latent in blood to accomplish whatever the spell was meant to do. Devin wasn't a lot of help. He wouldn't touch blood witchery with a ten-foot wand. The stuff creeped him out. Devin was an elemental witch. Sorry, warlock. His element of choice was fire.

  I know. It's ironic, isn't it? My body was made of water. I was, technically speaking, a water elemental, albeit one who was static in human form. When I wasn't shifting into my bat form, that is. You'd think fire and water wouldn't mix. But Devin and I? I suppose we were a case of what the great Paula Abdul was singing about in "Opposites Attract." Which, coincidently, was the latest number I'd prepared for my set.

  Yes, if ever I got cut, I bled water. But when Devin and I were together, well, I only stoked his fire, if you know what I mean. With enough fire, water turns to steam, after all. And steam was our specialty. In bed.

  Devin pulled into the lower-level parking lot at Nicky's. It was a smaller lot. Only a couple parking spaces. It's where the hearses used to drop off bodies when the club was a mortuary and funeral home.

  We had a bigger parking lot on the level with the club's entrance. When we had a show, it filled quickly. The rest of the attendees usually had to park up and down the street.

  Devin, the gentleman he was, opened the door for me, and I stepped in ahead of him. He was a traditional fellow. Raised that way, I suppose. I didn't require chivalry. But it didn't bother me either. It was one of the ways he showed his love.

  The back entrance went into the mortuary—with a fully equipped crematory. Quite handy, in fact, whenever I had a vampire corpse to dispose of. On the vampire front, though, I hadn't staked one since we returned from New Orleans. Before we left, it seemed I was taking down one or two every night. But since I eliminated the vampires who were creating the younglings coming after me, I didn't expect to see many more any time soon.

  Vampires tend to come in droves. I'll go through seasons when it seems like I can't keep up on the problem. Then, I'll go weeks and sometimes months without a single bloodsucker to slay.

  I was still on my guard, though. In truth, I never let my guard down completely. While I'd recently eliminated the vamps who were coming after me before, I knew there were more out there. And since I was public enemy number one in the Kansas City vampire community, it was only a matter of time before some headstrong vamp would show his face.

  I nearly always had a couple stakes on my person—in the form of my nine-inch stilettos.

  The old mortuary was also where I kept my other, more efficient vampire eviscerating tools. Stakes. Crossbows and bolts. Cloves of garlic and pressed garlic oil. The only thing I didn't have was holy water. It wasn't my weapon of choice. I half suspected if I ever went to get some consecrated, the priest might misfire and turn me into holy water. And that would totally ruin my diva vibe.

  The mortuary was the securest place in the club. Had to be. They used to keep bodies there. You don't want people accidentally wandering in during an embalming or cremation.

  "You know," Devin said. "Now that you can shift into bat form, we should call this room the bat cave."

  I giggled. "I like that!"

  My bat shift had become a part of my routine. It was my grand finale. The crowds thought it was a magic trick. The first time it happened was an accident. Now that I could control my shifts, well, why not have fun with it? I'd shift, fly a couple circles over the crowd, and disappear into my dressing room.

  I unlocked the door from the mortuary that led up a steep staircase to the club's main floor. There was another locked door at the top of the stairs. I unlocked that one, too, and stepped into what I'd turned into my greenroom. I locked the door, again, behind me.

  "Nicky!" Malinda said, removing her crossed feet from my vanity table and stuffing her phone in her back pocket.

  "Sneakers on my vanity, Malinda? Seriously?" Malinda shrugged. "Not like they're dirty."

  I rolled my eyes. Malinda wore her Converse sneakers everywhere.

  "Floors are dirty, Mal."

  "Not these!" Malinda piped up. "I mopped last week."

  I snorted. "Yeah, last week. Whatever. Everything ready for the auditions?"

  "Yup!" Malinda said. "They're sitting in the front row, all nervous."

  "And you're just sitting here on your phone?"

  "I was talking to Hailey!"

  "I get that. But you could have shown them some hospitality. Maybe offer the girls some water or something."

  "I know, I know. I was gonna. But Hailey texted and had a minute. We're working on this sick spell right now, and I've almost got it down. And by almost, I mean I only exploded two of the three blood bags I was practicing with."

  "Please tell me you didn't do that here."

  Malinda's eyes shifted back and forth. "Do you want me to tell you the truth, or do you want me to tell you I didn't shower your office in O-negative?"

  I sighed. "Did you at least clean it up?"

  "More or less." Malinda bit the side of her bottom lip.

  "I'll take care of it," Devin piped up. "Next time, Malinda, try to do your practicing in the bat cave."

  Malinda smirked. "The bat cave?"

  I smiled. "That's what we call the mortuary now. Clever, right?"

  "I guess."

  "Seriously," Devin said. "Everything down there is stainless steel. Much easier to clean up than the carpets in Nicky's office."

  "Got it, Dad."

  "Dad?" Devin asked, raising his eyebrow.

  "Sure. Why not? Mom and Dad! You're the closest thing I have to parents. And you sure treat me like a child."

  I sighed. "You've been catatonic for years, Malinda. You basically are a child."

  "And you've only been a human for what, like five years, Mom?"

  I snorted. "You're seriously going to call me Mom?"

  "Yup! But it's weird, right? I mean, I was a human for more than three times as long as you before I even, you know, cursed myself. So really, you should be looking to me for advice!"

  I laughed. "That's true. But I was also alive, in a sense, when your great great grandparents were born. So..."

  "So you're saying you'd rather I call you Grandma than Mom?"

  "Oh hell no!" I said. "I'm no granny, honey."

  "Well, I'm nineteen now, so I'm technically an adult!"

  "And once you act your age, we'll treat you accordingly."

  "Right back atcha, you old hag!"

  I stared at Malinda blankly. "I'm going to pretend you didn't just call me that."

  Malinda giggled. "You do that, granny dearest."

  I sighed. "Why don't you go help your father clean up your mess. I have auditions to conduct."

  "But Mom! Hailey's waiting for me to call her back."

  "Hailey's also a vampire," I said. "She literally has eternity to wait. She'll be there when you're done."

  "Fine," Malinda groaned and grabbed her cane that she'd hooked over my vanity before gimping out of the room.

  That girl was going to be the end of me. Don't get me wrong. I was more than willing to bring her back with us to Kansas City. She still had some physical therapy to do. After so many years catatonic, her muscles had atrophied. If she hadn't come back with us, she would have had no choice but to stay at the Vilokan Asylum. But she'd only been living with us for a couple weeks, and she was already acting like she owned the place—not only the apartment, but the club, too. And so far, she hadn't exhibited an ounce of gratitude.

  I supposed I couldn't blame her totally. She was raised by necromance
rs. Her parents had sacrificed some of her friends while performing their diabolical rituals. I shouldn't have been surprised they never taught her common manners. Still, I had to hand it to her. Even though her hex had backfired, she did manage to put her parents out of commission. That took courage. And while she didn't literally have any, some metaphorical balls of steel. She was a good kid, don't get me wrong. She simply lacked guidance. Eventually, if I could muster the patience to put up with her nonsense, she'd get her head on straight.

  Chapter Three

  I left the greenroom and stepped into my auditorium. Three girls sat, separated by several seats between them, in the front row. Two brunettes and a redhead. One with shorter hair cut to her chin. The other with longer hair, falling to her mid-back. The longer-haired girl had a beauty mark at the corner of her left eye—small, vaguely resembling the shape of the state of Florida. Each of the girls was pretty in their own way—and they'd dolled themselves up nicely for their auditions. If I were to guess, I'd say there were all barely twenty. Young, aspiring performers, looking for a regular gig.

  "Hi girls," I said, walking across the stage. "Welcome to Nicky's. As you might have guessed, I'm Nicky."

  The redhead jumped to her feet. "I know who you are! I've seen all your performances on YouTube. I'm your biggest fan!"

  I smiled. "It's always a pleasure to meet a fan. What are your names?"

  "I'm Katie!" the redhead said.

  "Nice to meet you, Katie. And your name?" I asked, gesturing to the longer-haired brunette, the one with the beauty mark, who sat closest to my left.

  "My name is Rose," the girl said.

  "A beautiful name for a beautiful girl," I said.

  "Thank you!" Rose said.

  I looked at the third girl. "And your name, please?"

  "I'm Amelia, and I'm also a little star-struck. I love your rendition of "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face."

  I smiled. "It's certainly one of my most popular numbers. Thank you, Amelia. So are you all singers?"

  "I sing and dance!" Katie piped up. "I brought my resume for you!"

  I stepped off the stage. Katie handed me a rather ornate piece of floral-patterned stationery. I quickly glanced at her long list of stage credits. "I see you played Annie in the community theater."