Avalon Expandable Heart: The Wild Heart Series

by Shantelle McKinnon

  I laugh, the movement of my stomach muscles making me flinch and stifle a gasp. Lucky, he removes his hand because I hate my mouth being covered because I like to breathe through it. Not my nose. He would have been introduced to my teeth. Nathan and I practised for a long-time having things put over my mouth, just in case we were ever caught. I couldn’t do it. If I were ever caught and someone other than Nathan covered my mouth with a hostile intent, it would be a forgone conclusion I would react incredibly badly and blindly… most likely resulting in the person’s death.

  “I forgot about that,” I grin.

  He looks at me sideways. “I haven’t, I nearly didn’t talk to you in fear that that would be your first demand.”

  “Yeah, my first thought would have been. Shitalope, he talks! I’m going to make him sing the guy bit in that song. It’s so going to happen now though,” I poke him on his shoulder. His face clearly refutes my claim.

  I shuffle getting comfy in the plush seat.

  Before we turn on to the road, Noah stops again. “I was going to take you into the city to have dinner before we... maybe go somewhere else, but Av?” He reaches for my chin. “Are you alright? You don’t look very well. It’s like you’re you but ... muted or something.”

  I’m not okay, but pain is something that will go away... although, this is getting worse and worse and now that I’m sitting, the pain sometimes drives my teeth together. I’d love to crawl in the back and sleep it off. Daryl believes the consumption of water fixes all evil, I have been drinking like a fish, but all I feel is significant swelling and pain in my back and stomach. From the swishing noises, I’ve literally created a fishbowl in my stomach. Noah will think I have a developed a chronic bladder problem by the end of the night. Nice.

  I don’t really want to go to the hospital or the doctors here because I’ve seen what happens. Dell likes watching those medical shows, and it seems a better option to try and get through it yourself. Angus even shudders at the waiting rooms, Dad reckons that they would be the ripe place to slip a counter-intelligence agent in from those scientific testing companies, to persuade the patients waiting there that they should go for this ‘other treatment available’. It would be faster, and they would take their chances with them. I reckon (if there were such people, of course). Honestly though, half of them look like they will die before the time the doctor sees them. If only Doctor Rick could fly down here.

  If I’m eating, drinking and stuff all will be good. Plus, I don’t have time to be sick, I’m dead sure it’s just the combination of my hellish period and the bruising I sustained from the jail fiasco. My period, and her fondness to be the most painful thing in my life, has probably amped it up to win this competition. Anyway, it’s all stuff that will be over soon.

  “Dinner in the city?” I say with a voice that doesn’t hint of the feeling that sentence is doing to my insides. I can’t think of anything worse at the moment. All those people. I’d rather ride back to the tent and have two-minute noodles with Noah, horses and the stars.

  But... there is this new side of me that really enjoys spending time with him. Nan would say ‘Laughter is the best medicine’ and he cracks me up so if dinner in the city is what it is, then that will be the go. I should have eaten some cement before I came, toughened up a bit. I haven’t had dinner in the city before... an ice-cream yes, a tattoo, but not dinner. And I wanted to before when I was talking to Nathan. It sounds like something that should be done... in an Indian costume. Maybe the way to get through the people issue is to imagine them all as cattle, that way I’ll feel right at home.

  “I’m up for it.”

  He looks sceptical.

  “What? I am.” That little bit of me that revs up at the thought of someone thinking I can’t sparks to life. Maybe it’s the Indian costume. I narrow my eyes at him.

  He raises an eyebrow. His gaze doesn’t once don’t flick to my costume. They stay on my face. I see the concern in his eyes.

  “I have a vengeful womb,” I sniff. “Sue me for looking tired.”

  “A vengeful womb?” he repeats with a muffling chuckle between his full, soft lips.

  I fold my arms. “My womb should have been born to someone else. It’s taking some serious bloody revenge on me for not getting up the duff or something...” I grumble in the way of an explanation. Between wombs and octopuses...

  “Well, next month we might just have to make it happy, huh?” he nudges me as a sexy smile spreads across his face.

  My face must have shown shock or something because Noah bursts out laughing. I kind of was shocked, I guess, not because I was put off by the thought but because for the first time in my life my mind put myself in a pretty graphic image. Holy smoke! Suddenly the scenery is mighty intriguing.

  “Don’t worry, Thornie,” I catch him shaking his head as he chuckles again. “Apart from the fact I’m only getting used to a girl actually being welcome in my car and talking to one... amongst other things...” he winks. When Noah winks, my womb falters in its vicious blunt fork scratching attack and instead does something else to me. Something that creates a weird warmth. I try to focus back on what he’s saying not his mouth. “There’s a good chance I won’t even be around next week, let alone next month.”

  I grimace at the joke, “Hold on, are you joking?” I demand catching the sudden grimness on his face.

  His face goes hard, “Don’t think that means you can go ‘get up the duff’ somewhere else.”

  “Gee, you’ve unhatched my ultimate plan as a female. To get a bun in my oven.” I say in a sarcastic voice. “Get real, mate. Up the duff would constitute time out of the saddle. Not happening, dude.”

  He throws me a deadpan look but breaks into a self-satisfied smile.

  I grin back at him as he gets that I’m serious. Which makes him happy for some reason.

  Then he rolls his eyes and removes a hand from the wheel and to squeeze my thigh. The warmth from his hand bleeds into my leg, I wrap my hands around it and move it on the bare skin of my stomach, careful not to expose the spidery bruising zigzagging down my side. He tenses but relaxes when he hears the sigh that flows out of my mouth.

  “Ahhh,” I moan in relief. It’s better than when Nathan gets up and brings me a hot water bottle in the middle of the night.

  “Checkmate, womb,” Noah glares at it.

  I smile and close my eyes, likening my tummy’s new feelings to that of a cat, slinking up against Noah’s hand and purring, the vibrations making me tingle.

  “You’re not scared of heights, are you?” he asks a few minutes later.

  “Nope,” I say, my voice groggy. I feel relaxed and content. “Oh hey,” I groggily slur with my eyes still closed. “You’re gonna come to the hostel show thingy, aren’t you? I’ve got to dance.”

  Inside I think, shit! I’ve got to dance... if this pain hasn’t faded by Tuesday I’ll probably have to go to the doctors. I’ll have to swear Harry and Flea to secrecy though because I don’t want Noah to blame himself and go backwards. I don’t blame him, even for kicking. I was a little bit out there dressing up like a man.

  Noah hasn’t answered, so I crack my heavy eyes open for a second to glance at him. Tension is written in every muscle of his body, his face for once isn’t cold... it’s bleak.

  “What is going on? Did you mean that before about not being here? Where the hell are you going?” I ask my voice one that normally brokers no dallying in answering. I don’t mean to let that tone slip out, but I do want answers.

  The little nut in his jaw bulges. Nathan’s does this when he’s unhappy about something he thinks is on the agenda.

  “Remember, I was telling you...” he starts, his fingers softly starting to caress the skin on my stomach, in total contrast to the rest of his body. “That because how I... injured Seth’s dad that if I’m busted again, I’ll be put in jail. Well...” he leaves the sentence hanging.

  I saw Noah’s face in that cell, there’s no way he’ll come back from a stint in
there unscathed. He’ll be unreachable through the coldness he’ll immerse himself in.

  “No way, you were provoked,” I growl thinking of the injustice of it already. A way I can get him to hark up and fight for himself.

  “Yes Judge, they tried to touch my bikini top,” Noah shoots me a tight, crooked smile. I don’t smile back.

  “Why don’t you explain what that bikini meant to you? How it was a step in finally having a look at yourself and figuring stuff out,” I fold my arms over his hand, partly to stop him taking it away and partly because I’m getting mad... on his behalf and kind of at his lack of grrrr over this.

  Noah laughs, eerily like Nathan’s... it’s not one that contains much humour. “It won’t make a difference, Av, let’s just enjoy tonight.”

  “No bloody way. Tommy told me what happened, how come you can’t ask him to come like as a witness or whatever they have on TV!” he doesn’t react, but I see his face begin to school itself into the cold setting. “Don’t you want to experience more job dates with me or something? Do you want to go in? You seemed pretty resigned to it!”

  “I am resigned to it!” he roars, and I’ve never heard anything so harsh and hot sounding at the same time. I’m sure D would have wet her pants at the anger contained in his tone. “If I’m not, if I start to think of everything I will be missing with you, I’ll... I’ll... arrrrrghhhh” His hand is reefed away from my skin leaving it cold. My tummy hisses as I tense my abs. He slams his hands on the steering wheel.

  “Fuck Av, you have no idea what you mean to me.” He pulls over on the side of the road which a huge screech of rubber. Flicking the stereo off, he then fumbles for his phone and presses something before pushing it into my hands. He turns and just stares out his window, not cold this time... a tremor runs through his body.

  It’s a video.

  The words... No.5 appear. He’s still going to try to do the twenty things?

  A song comes on and as it does a stick figure appear in a cartoon, naturally drawn and made by him.

  Well, where I come from,

  You learn to take it nice and slow.

  There’s a stick figure in an ice field, slowly moving through sharp shards of ice. A blizzard of white rages against the black background.

  But baby since we met,

  Oh, it’s been go, go, go

  Then the stick figure is plucked out of the icy cold by a lasso, into his car, where my stick figure rides a fully drawn Amber up on to the bonnet.

  So you can rough me up (rough me up),

  Yeah baby you can hurt me too.

  I feel bad as he draws the whole sticking him with my knife scene and whipping his smoke from his lips.

  Because all I got (all I got),

  You see, all I got is you.

  And then I see his stick figures twisted to look in a mirror and smiling at the blown-up tattoo I gave him in the mirror.

  You can rough me up,

  You can break me down,

  Baby don’t stop now.

  I can’t stop the smile that spreads on my face as it plays out all our encounters from when we met.

  Oh, you can use me up til it all runs out,

  Baby don’t stop now.

  His figure jumps into a flame after mine does, jumps off a cliff after I do. My heart clenches. I’m not letting him go.

  I’m all yours,

  I’m all yours somehow,

  Baby don’t stop now.

  He’s made up some future events both of us riding ... surfing... all showing his heart beating

  So where I come from,

  You learn to make the best of things.

  Now his stick figure is in hell, fire and demons burning and scratching at his skin. One holds his heart and

  Honey since we met,

  You know you’ve had the best of me.

  My stick figure snatches it from the demon. Noah’s stick figure smiles as he’s transported from there.

  So you can lock me up,

  Yeah, baby throw away that key,

  He places his hands out and my stick figure handcuffs him. I turn to look at him but he is still gazing out the window. Muscles clenched tight.

  Because all I know,

  Is that this is where I wanna be.

  His stick figure is happy to be just sitting next to mine eating two-minute noodles. I giggle as my stick figure has a beard and moustache on and his has a mop on its head.

  It goes on showing us doing different things until the end where it shows us in the tent holding hands.

  I can’t talk for a second. I feel so much for him as well. I’m not letting him go and I’m not letting him give up. He’s mine.

  I reach over and thread my hand through his, “I’m not going to stop now, boofhead and either are you.” I scoot over to I’m right close enough to turn his chin to me, there’s pain in his eyes that he for once does not try to cover with ice. It hurts to know someone I care about lives with that much hurt and fear.

  “I want to do all that stuff with you! I want you to stay out of there, so we can and… hold the phone! I have an idea how to fire up two stoves with one match. Are you in? Are you going to fight to stay out? With me?”

  “God, you know I’d do anything for you, Av,” suddenly I’m yanked into his lap, I don’t feel the pain radiate through my side or the steering wheel dig into my back. All I feel is the desperation in his harsh, intense and consuming kiss that burns me up.

  I’m not the nightmAre

  Avalon

  Noah seems to have taken the roaring fire from his outburst and doused it with ice. As I ring the doorbell, I worm my hand into his big one. I see the deep inhalation he takes, making his shoulder’s rise before his hand closes on mine. I marvel at how it’s warm when he is so cold.

  He’s been careful not to look at me since I told him my plan of attack, I’m certain he’s scared to believe not only that he may have a chance not to go to jail but that people are willing to help him.

  Nathan, Chops, Dad and I went to help out at Henry’s a year ago, after Henry’s wife died of breast cancer; his only son couldn’t cope and offed himself in the paddock leaving Henry to find him half eaten and everything, as well leaving the whole place to Henry to run. Good on ya’ son... not. I want to call him selfish prick, but I can’t, not when I know what the real meaning of overwhelmed is. Still, it was a shithouse thing to do, Dad blames it on the government, we don’t really go around advertising we need help. Farmers are the backbone Dad says, the government should think of us, we shouldn’t have to beg. You do not want to start Dad on the ratio of foreign aid to farmer help either.

  The station two over got someone sent to them once, the owner, Rod, shot at him. He was not land; he had no idea of what the hell anything to do with anything was about it. Rod said he would have been better off ringing the call centre for Telstra for advice. About a year later we got this know it all lady from somewhere, she really ticked Nathan off, so Dad pretty much hurled her off the property just to stop any murders occurring.

  It’s weird, just like me now with the pain, we think we can get through it ourselves. That rain will come or something and make everything better. And most of the time it does. Joy obliterates the crap and somehow strengthens us to do it all over again. The cycle goes on and on, because it gets old for other people hearing about it, it’s still life for us.

  Henry’s place isn’t near the size of ours, so we only needed to stay for a a bit to get most everything sorted. Heaps of locals came and helped when they could. Wives made enough food for Henry to live for years without worry, and that’s damn big because some of these farmers live on nothing themselves to get their livestock through droughts. And this one is a whopper.

  One of those locals though, was this quiet guy, Henry said he was fighting with the banks for his farm. Things are bad at the moment with some of the loans, the company everyone was dealing with handed the contracts over to the banks and the banks changed things overnight, so some farms had g
one up for sale when the owners didn’t want them to. Really cheap as well. I mean really cheap, so cheap that the owners would still be paying millions off after the sale. Dad and Angus have gone over our loan with a fine-tooth comb. Angus was ranting about it for ages. I’m glad they didn’t leave the math bit to me.

  This guy originally wasn’t was from up our way, he’d only bought into the farm about four years ago. Anyway, a ‘new’ bank approved owner rocked up and everyone got wind of it and went out there to back him up. He was shocked that everyone turned up to have his back. But that’s what we do, we look after our own. And that’s what Noah is going to learn.

  The door opens to reveal Jill in her I love Corgi pj’s, looking as excited as a kelpie pup in the sheep yard for the first time with actual sheep milling around it. Her eyes are bright and she’s smiling ear to ear, she is practically bouncing on her toes like she’s been glued on to an out of control pogo stick. I grin at her enthusiasm.

  Noah’s hand tenses around mine, I can tell he was wondering if he should dash his small ray of hope right now. Jill’s mouth opens and closes a few times before she manages to get some words out. “Avalon and Noah? Come in, come in,” I go to move through, but she yanks me to her bosom to hug me. I hug her back with a giggle as the support from her arms around my sides gives me surprising relief. I want to sigh again as I think of maybe pulling out Amber’s bandages at home and trying those on myself.

  “Gosh, I’m so excited,” she shrieks launching herself at Noah. I watch with a smile at first, but that drops quickly as I see him stiffen under her touch, an almost feral glint invades his eyes and I know he wants to throw poor Jill off and escape. It’s probably the most dangerous I’ve ever seen him and it almost takes my breath away. Almost.

  “Jill?” I vie for her attention. “I damn well went and forgot my huge vagina.”

  “What?” she splutters pushing away from Noah her gaze straying to my crotch and flying back to my face. “Avalon!”