Love Out Loud

by Aimee Salter

  You let her choose, Crash. No pushing!

  I rub a hand over my face and lead Kelly towards the kitchen. “Let me show you around, then we can get your bag from the car.”

  She hugs my waist as we walk and I throw one arm over her shoulder, pointing stuff out as we walk.

  I knew having her here would feel good. She’s my home. And I’m hers.

  As I lead her through the three levels, seven bedrooms, recording studio basement, and outside onto the bi-level deck, it very quickly becomes apparent that without her, this place is nothing but a huge glass cage.

  I’m not only glad she’s here. I realize I don’t want to be here without her.

  I encourage her to take her shoes off before we step off the deck onto the lawn. I’ve never felt grass as soft and plush as this—no crabgrass or prickles. The lawn was specially cultivated, the real estate agent told me. Not only that, they have gardeners here every week to tend it, along with the trees and hedges rimming the entire property, mostly hiding the security fence—and the neighbors—from view.

  Pinned to my side, Kelly’s eyes have only gotten bigger, scanning back and forth sometimes meeting mine, then flitting away like a bird.

  But she leaves me to run to the pool, kneel down and dip her hand into it. “Can we swim now?”

  “If you want to.”

  Kelly leaps to her feet, sprints back to me and throws herself into my chest. I catch her and swing her up as she wraps her legs around my waist.

  I focus on algebra.

  “Crash.” Our noses almost touch.

  “Yeah?”

  “I love you. And I love your house.”

  “Our house, babe.”

  She blinks.

  Fuck. I hadn’t meant to bring that up quite this soon. But she didn’t miss the seriousness in my tone. “Only if you want to,” I say hurriedly, encouraged by the fact that her legs are still wrapped securely over my hips. She hasn’t made a move to get space yet. “I, uh, talked to Holly and said that I wanted you away from Dan. That I want you with me. And she said it’s up to you. If you want to live here. With me. She’ll help you. Legally.”

  “Crash, are you serious?”

  “Yes.”

  “You want me to move in with you?”

  “I want your name on the house. Kelly, I, um, I mean—” Shit, I’m losing my nerve. But I can’t get this moment back. And I know Kelly. She’s got hang-ups. Mostly because of Dan, but a little because of her mom too. She needs to understand I mean it. I won’t hold anything back.

  Maybe it’s better not to have any warning. Maybe it’s better to get it out of the way, just in case it goes badly. Then we’ve got time to recover.

  I lower Kelly back to the grass, but don’t let go of her hand. She’s staring at me, stunned. But not scared yet, which is the confidence booster I need. Because this next part is nuts.

  “You know I love you, right? I mean, for real?” Smooth, Crash. Real. Smooth.

  “I love you, too.”

  Here we go. “Well, you know this recording contract, it’s a big deal.”

  She snorts. “I’m aware.”

  Crash Happy was signed to Sony Records on a top tier contract. My advance covered this house and enough to keep me alive for the next couple of years, even if I never make another penny.

  I stare at our clasped hands because I’m afraid to look at her face and see fear. Or worse.

  She squeezes my hand. “Crash, what’s wrong? Did they not like all the songs?”

  “They love the songs,” I risk a glance at her face.

  “Then what is it? Are they firing one of you?” She hesitates. “Are they firing Tommy?”

  I rake my hand through my hair, cursing myself. “Fuck, Kelly. No, it’s nothing like that. It’s a good thing. I think.”

  She visibly relaxes and her smile creeps back up. “Okay. Then what?”

  Shaking like a pussy, I keep hold of Kelly’s left hand and drop to one knee.

  “What are you—” She cuts herself off, her free hand slapping over her mouth.

  “Kel, I’ve loved you since I was fourteen years old. You believed in me—in us—when no one else did. I want you with me forever,” I say, my voice shaking. I ease her left hand forward as I pull the ring out of my pocket and offer it to her. “Will you marry me? Be mine for real? Make this home with me. Tour with me. Never leave. Please?”

  Her eyes well. For a second I’m sure she’ll pull away from me and tell me I’m crazy—this is crazy. But it’s the only way we can be together. And I want it.

  “Cra-ash.” He voice cracks. I squeeze her hand, afraid she’ll flee.

  “Kel, I know it’s not what we talked about. But—”

  “Yes!” she throws her arms over my shoulders and buries her face in my neck. “Yes! But nothing! Of course! I love you—oh, Crash!” Her shoulders shake and her back jumps with her sobs.

  Letting out the breath that wouldn’t go until I’d heard her answer, I pull her in tight, inhaling her vanilla sunshine scent, almost in tears myself I’m so weak for her.

  She said yes!

  We’re doing this.

  Fuck you, Dan.

  I murmur love to her, soaking in her happy tears and trembling—comforted because it makes my own trembling less noticeable.

  Kelly clings so tight I’m afraid she’ll cut off my air supply. But then she pulls her head back. Tears track down her cheeks. But she’s beaming, shaking her head and telling me I’m amazing. And for once, I believe her. She’s made me feel like a badass motherfucker.

  “I want to marry you, Crash. I can’t think of anything I want more. I want to be here and be yours.” She hesitates. I brush a strand of her blonde hair back off her face, waiting. I’ll find answers to anything that keep her here with me. “But, how? How can we do it?”

  Her chest doesn’t move. She’s afraid I can’t make this happen.

  I frame her face, my hands so much bigger than her delicate face. She’s so little. Unable to resist, I trace her plump lower lip with my thumb and try not to think about what all this will mean for us. Probably tonight.

  I clear my throat. “Holly knows I’m asking. She said if you want to—only if you really want to—she’ll sign the papers. And if Dan tries to block it, she knows a lawyer who can help.”

  She bites that lip and I want to tug it out from under her teeth.

  “This is real, Kel.” A new tear trickles over her lashes and down her face. I wipe it away with my thumb. “I know it’s nuts. And we’re too young. But so much is happening. And I want you there.”

  Her smile is blinding. I am so fucking lucky.

  “I said yes, Crash. I meant it. I’m only asking how we make it happen because I don’t want Dan to ruin it. He’ll never agree. Not when I’m still a minor.”

  I smile. She’s right, of course. But Holly’s already looked into it. In Nevada you only need one guardian’s signature. So, if we do this right, Dan won’t even know until it’s too late.

  “We have a plan. But first things first.” I open my hand to show her the ring that costs more than every car I’ve ever driven before this month put together. If my mother saw it, she’d flip. She could live off it for months—even with the meth addiction.

  Kelly gasps again, and she stares at the little piece of jewelry like it’s a unicorn.

  The jeweler said the main stone is princess cut. It’s a big sapphire with two diamonds flanking it because those are Kelly’s favorite.

  Her hand’s shaking like a leaf when she holds it out, but I grin. This is the best part. The part where she’s wearing me. No one can take that away.

  I juggle the little ring, almost dropping it, then slide it on her finger. Kelly throws her arms around my neck again.

  “Thank you, Crash. I love you so much.”

  The wave of emotion begins in my toes and surges up my body, wracking me with a shudder of my own, and a battle to keep tears back. But I circle her waist and stand, pulling her with me, o
ff her feet, so I’m standing and she’s clinging, and we’re as close as two bodies can be without—

  “Show me your bedroom,” Kelly whispers in my ear. “Please.”

  Thank you, God. I’d hoped. But this was one of Kelly’s things—she never expected to wait for marriage. She was just waiting. Because Dan calls her a whore every time he gets mad—despite the fact that Kelly’s still a virgin—and it closes her up like a flower at night every time. I hate him for that. He always apologizes later, like that somehow takes it away.

  Those words, thrown at her so many times, are burned in. There are times when we’re making out and things are good. Then all the sudden she freezes up and pushes away, babbling apologies. I tell her not to worry, it’s fine. But I know what’s happening. She’s suddenly thought about Dan and what he’s said, and it makes her feel ashamed of herself.

  I want to throttle that asshole. But I have to call him Mr. Berkstram and shake his hand, otherwise he won’t let me see Kelly at all.

  Once we’re married, I can tell him where to put his filthy mouth and his guilt trips, and his OCD. I can make sure he never lays a hand on her.

  Kelly swears he’s never hit her, and I think she’s telling the truth. But I’ve seen him tug her around by the arm, or shove her in whatever direction he wants her to move.

  It’s messed up. He won’t do it again. Ever.

  I slide Kelly down my body, letting her feel how much I want her, until her bare toes curl into the grass. I smile and kiss her with everything that wants to pour out of me.

  And she responds.

  Fuck.

  Kelly loves me. She’s loved me for a long time. And she’s always loved being close to me. But our moments are usually stolen, taken somewhere that we might get interrupted, and always under the shadow of her fear of Dan.

  She’s been tense.

  I hadn’t realized how tense though, until this moment. When we know no one else will show. When we’re truly alone. And we’re taking the first steps down the road to get rid of that prick.

  Kelly kisses me with abandon. A tiny whimper sounds in her throat and I tremble with the urge to take her straight to bed. But I have a plan for tonight, and I want her to enjoy it.

  “I’ll show you everything tonight,” I say against her lips. “And I’ll love you more than you’ve ever been loved, Kel. I mean it.”

  She kisses me again and I forget my name until we come up for air. Then I clear my throat and try to get my bearings, while Kelly, little devil, grins at me like she knows what she’s doing.

  “We’re having a date tonight. And then, well, that’s definitely on the list.” My voice has gotten deep and husky, and I don’t care.

  Kel grabs my chin, beaming that smile of joy that warms me to my toes. “You’re a good man, Crash,” she says quietly.

  Like a bomb going off, I shatter inside. I nestle into that spot where her neck meets her shoulder and breathe deep because if I don’t, I’ll cry like a little girl.

  Every harsh word my mother ever threw at me, every loser, asshole, man-whore, and useless she spat rears up, ready to make its case. But my girl is digging her fingers into the back of my neck and massaging my nape, and whispering words I didn’t know my heart needed. Words like everything, and best, and want. And they make me so strong, I can beat back the monster my mom made for me.

  Then Dan’s suspicious, sneering gaze flashes in my head.

  Never again. Doesn’t matter what you say. No more from you. She’s mine now.

  Kelly arches to press her chest into mine. “Crash, you’re my forever. I can’t believe this. I want this. I want you. Right now.”

  She’s starting to sweat in the summer evening me with me clinging to her. But I don’t care. I lick the salt off her collarbone and she shivers.

  “All in good time,” I say, rearranging things in my head so the good time comes a lot sooner than I’d planned.

  “I love you, Crash.”

  “I love you, too, Kelly. More than anyone.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Two Months Ago

  Kelly

  Tommy’s face pops up in the little notification bubble on my phone again.

  Kel we’re writing at C’s

  this afternoon. Come.

  Please?

  I look up from my phone. Dan’s still in the celebrity hospital. The doctors say they need to scan him, see if he’ll need surgery for that disc. Even though he’s frustrated and worried about his contractors ruining his construction business, I think part of him enjoys all the attention. He’s taken to reading The New York Post every morning while he’s digging into bacon and eggs that look like they came from a restaurant.

  He doesn’t look up from the paper. “That the boys?”

  I almost say no. Almost continue pretending I haven’t heard from them since Crash got released amid tabloid rumors which were, thankfully, overshadowed by the latest movie premiere in Los Angeles.

  “Yes,” I say. They’ve asked me to come over almost every day since Crash left. But I’ve made my excuses. Mainly because it feels like the minute I give in and go over there, it’s like saying what they did doesn’t matter.

  But I want to go. Badly.

  He hasn’t looked up. But his eyes stop moving on the page. I clear my throat. “They want to know if I can help them this evening.” I hate how my heart beats wildly and my palms sweat as I say those words. I’m tense, prepared to face slut, whore, or do-you-think-I-was-born-yesterday? rants.

  “Well, sure.” Dan’s chewing again and flips the page of his newspaper a little harder than necessary. “What time?”

  Inhale. Exhale. Make it worth it. “They aren’t free until almost five, so I’d have to get my homework done and leave around four-thirty. Back by nine?”

  “Eight.” He bites off the word on his toast.

  “Yeah, that’s what I meant.”

  His gaze is flat. He takes two forkfuls of egg before he drops it back to the plate. “Those boys gonna be alone?”

  I shrug to loosen the knot between my shoulder blades. “It’s Crash’s Manager’s house.” Which is true. At least it was. “So I doubt it.”

  “I don’t.” Dan takes so long to say anything else I’m about to gather up my plate to take it to the kitchen. When he does speak, it’s with the gentle tone that always surprises me. He rubs his forehead, grimacing. “I told your mom I’d take care of you, Kelly. I know I can be harsh, but it’s because I want to keep you safe. You know that, right?”

  The person who makes me feel unsafe is you.

  I just nod.

  He sighs. “You answer your phone if I call. If you need help, you text me the word Peanut.” He points his knife at me to emphasize the word. “I’ll have my police buddies over there in a heartbeat.”

  I will. He’s always been the kind of guy who watches the surroundings and ushers me and Mom across the road if he thinks there’s someone nearby who might cause a problem. Or whatever. His protectiveness is real.

  I know he wants to say no to all this. But I also know, because I’ve heard him on the phone every night for the past week, that he’s told too many of his friends that he knows Crash and Tommy, to back out now. He needs proof—photos, stories, information. I’m guessing after a week of bragging, his friends are hinting he’s making it up. Being stuck in a hospital they can’t visit isn’t proof.

  “Good idea,” I say. “And of course I’ll answer the phone.” I stand up and reach for my tray, but Dan’s hand lands on my arm. I freeze, but he’s not scowling.

  “I’m glad you’re here,” he says gruffly, looking at his hand on my arm, instead of at me.

  “Uh, me too,” I say, melting a little bit inside, suddenly very aware of the sag in his cheeks, the lines in his forehead.

  “Without your mom, it feels lonely being in this place. Thanks for staying with me.” It’s a side he doesn’t show a lot, but whenever it comes out I always hate myself for hating him so much. I know he loved Mom. Los
ing her has been hard on him. It’s easy to forget that because we don’t talk about it.

  “Do you need me here tonight instead?” I ask reluctantly.

  He shakes his head and squeezes my arm. “No. Just be careful, kid, okay? I used to be a teenage boy. I know what they’re like.” The edge returns to his voice, and the ball of warmth I felt dissipates.

  I don’t know an answer to that that won’t upset him, so I take my tray and walk to the door. There’s a little stand outside we can leave dishes on and they’ll remove them.

  This place is like a freaking hotel.

  As soon as I’m out of Dan’s sight I shake off my uncertainty about his sudden softness and text Tommy back.

  See you by 5.

  I press send before I can second-guess myself, then bite my lip.

  I’m going out after school to hang out with my two oldest friends. It’s ridiculous how happy that idea makes me—and how adrenaline spikes through my veins.

  Because I’ll be close to Crash in a few short hours.

  My favorite place to be.

  I trudge back into the room to say goodbye to Dan and head to school.

  “Yeah?”

  I’m startled by the deep voice on the other end of the security box in Crash’s driveway.

  “Uh, hi. I’m Kelly Berkstram? I, um, I guess I have an appointment with Cr—” I cut off as a loud buzzing noise, followed by the clank, then the rumble of the gates in front of me crawling inwards. I wait until there’s enough room for my car to pass between them, then roll forwards slowly into the shadow of the tall house.

  The gates open as far as the sides of the driveway, then immediately reverse to swing closed again. I make a mental note not to “dilly-dally” as my mother would have put it, next time I’m coming in. Those metal framed, solid-wood gates look like they could crush my little Corolla and keep going.

  Heart banging in my chest, I pull up on the parking brake and lean forward to stare up at the house. It kind of feels like staring at a coffin.