Europa

by Robert Mills

  “Have you thought of coming back to Europa, Dad?” he asked, as we sat at the table together, while Charlet and Tibor fed the dishes into the waste disposal unit.

  “Not really,” I said. “I’m pretty settled where I am.”

  “Did you know that Europa and Callisto have reciprocal pension arrangements now?”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “I’d always assumed that you stayed where you were because of Uncle Marvin.”

  “Not entirely,” I said, “and anyway retirement is almost three years away for me. I’ll give it some thought, but at my age one tends to become somewhat resistant to change.”

  “Think it over; it would be great to see more of you, and Bertie would love having another grandpa around.”

  “The thing is,” I said, “I’ve become accustomed to living on the surface and I’m not sure how I’d adjust to being a trog again.”

  “Do you still go skating?”

  “I haven’t since that injury I picked up last year; I’m afraid my skating days are probably over.”

  “Well, if you’re not taking part in leisure activities on the surface, it wouldn’t be so very different living here, would it?”

  I had to admit that he had a point. “I suppose not,” I said. “I’ll give it serious consideration.”

  “I won’t be able to make the funeral,” he said after a pause. “I’ve got a lot to do tomorrow and I can’t delegate most of it.”

  “That’s alright,” I said. “Charlet and I will represent you.”

  Soon after that Richmond announced that he had to go, but we agreed that we’d meet up again before I went back to Callisto. I’d decided to make the most of the opportunity to spend time with my children and to visit some of my old haunts on Europa.

  The following day Charlet and I made our way to the funeral hall and joined the other mourners in the neat rows of white seats. I was surprised to find that Marvin’s widow, Carolla, had chosen a religious ceremony, something of a rarity in this day and age. According to Charlet, Carolla and Marvin had become members of the Church of All Gods, a relatively new organisation which claimed to draw on the best elements of the religions of the past in order to gain what they called ‘ultimate spiritual enlightenment’. I have no strong views about the sort of funeral I want when the time comes, but I couldn’t help remembering Marvin holding forth about religious funerals. ‘They’re full of false hopes and easy platitudes’, he’d declared. I could only assume that he had changed his mind for some reason or other.

  At first I couldn’t work out where Carolla was sitting, but Charlet pointed her out to me. She was at the front of the hall, head bowed, clutching a small book of some sort tightly in her hands. I’d never met her and so I only knew what my children had told me about her.

  Shortly afterwards the priest, or whatever he was, began to speak, the rise and fall of his pious voice grating on my ears. Afterwards there was the singing of some sort of religious song and then Carolla rose from her seat and made her way to the front of the hall.

  “My… my husband Marvin was a good man and a loving husband,” she said in a trembling voice. “We couldn’t have children, but if we had, I know that he would’ve been devoted to them. When we married, my parents accepted him as if he were their own son. He could be very funny; he used to make me laugh. I wanted to tell stories about Marvin, but I can’t bring myself to do it. It’s too soon. Sorry. Anyway, I’ve asked my brother, Brindle, to say a few words about Marvin.” She shuffled uneasily and cleared her throat. “I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for coming.”

  Her brother was short and rather bald. He stood in front of us with the look of a mourner who has been hired to portray a family’s grief to the outside world. He began to speak, referring to my cousin as ‘Marv’. This is a name we’d never used for him. Surely he hadn’t willingly allowed himself to be addressed in this manner in life? I thought. He was describing Marvin and telling stories about him but I didn’t recognise the man I knew in his words. I found myself wondering what manner of life my poor cousin had endured since we parted company. Perhaps death was a merciful release from his wretched existence. Of course, this was mere speculation. I knew nothing of the highs and lows of Marvin’s later life. I’d been completely excluded from that chapter of his story.

  There was more singing, prayers and an address from the priest: some nonsense about Marvin having gone to a better place. Then at last the doors through which the coffin would disappear opened and I realised that Marvin’s body was about to disappear forever. I looked over to where Carolla was sitting and saw her sniff demurely into her handkerchief. It hit me once again that there was no chance now that Marvin would ever forgive me. There was now only one way in which I could gain peace of mind: I had to forgive myself. The question was could I do it? It wasn’t easy; he’d been one true friend, my supporter and counsellor. I’d wronged him knowingly, though I honestly couldn’t prevent myself from acting as I did. I was compelled, willed on by forces beyond my control. Of course, I knew I had no right to think like this, that I was making excuses for myself. It was my fault. I could have stopped it from happening, but instead I willingly, willfully betrayed him. I had to take full responsibility for my actions.

  Something made me turn around and look at the mourners sitting behind Charlet and I. Almost at once I spotted a woman sitting near the back of the hall, on the other side of the gangway. I was pretty sure that she wasn’t there when we’d come in. Her face was bowed, so at first I couldn’t see it clearly. She’d put on some weight, but the thick hair and delicate hands were unmistakable; it was Liv. I felt a shock run through me and I turned away. My first thought was that fate had brought us together in this time of sadness for a purpose. A moment’s consideration made me realise that I was being foolish. I knew perfectly well that Liv never truly cared for me. My love for her was hopeless and unrequited. In any case, even if she did feel something for me, it didn’t follow that we would make good companions as old age approached. And yet, despite all the pain of the past, I felt an overwhelming excitement at the sight of her. She was always a willing participant in our sexual relationship. If there was guilt, it was hers for leading me on with such single-minded ruthlessness. Despite this, it wasn’t difficult for me to forgive her. She is, after all, the mother of my youngest child and the main player in many of my fondest memories. Her complicity in our deception of my poor dead cousin didn’t let me off the hook. I knew that I must shoulder my share of the blame.

  I looked away so that I wasn’t caught staring at her, but I made furtive glances in her direction at regular intervals. She did look once in my direction, but showed no indication that she’d recognised me. This was hardly surprising, after all I had my back to her and she probably didn’t have a clear view of my face. The truth is that I have aged a lot in recent years and I’m almost completely bald. In any case, she had probably doubted that I would come to the funeral and therefore didn’t expect to see me there.

  I thought about Graydon, my estranged son. His life would have been very different if Marvin had been his real father, but that wasn’t possible. I had no idea what he was doing and whether he was happy or not but I knew that I wanted to have the chance to get to know him and to help him if I could.

  I wondered why Liv was sitting so near the back of the hall. Surely she should have had a more prominent role in the proceedings, although Marvin’s new family was orchestrating them? I had no reason to believe that the truth of her son’s real parentage was generally known. I felt a sense of outrage on her behalf. On the other hand, perhaps it was her own choice to be a minor player in the last scene of Marvin’s life. Perhaps the pain of the past had made her reluctant to push herself forwards.

  The coffin disappeared from view and the doors closed. Carolla lingered, staring after the departed, but other mourners began to leave. Turning, I could see that Liv was almost at th
e door. There was a tall young man with her. I hadn’t noticed him during the service. I think there was a large man sitting in the row in front of them, obscuring my view. I couldn’t see his face. Could he be her lover, I wondered? Surely not, he seemed so young. I turned to Charlet: “Is that Graydon with Liv?” I asked.

  “Yes that’s him,” she said. “I ought to go and say hello to them, do you mind?”

  “No, of course not,” I said. “I’ll come with you.”

  We got up and made for the door, threading our way between the other mourners, and finally overtook them just outside the entrance. Charlet was a little ahead of me. “Aunty Liv, I didn’t want to let you go without saying hello,” she said.

  “Hello Charlet,” said Graydon, smiling broadly. “I haven’t seen you for ages.”

  At first Liv seemed not to know me, but then her face brightened in recognition. “Symon, is it really you? I didn’t think you’d come. I didn’t see you in the hall. How are you?”

  “I’m fine,” I said. “How are you doing?”

  “Alright, Graydon looks after me, don’t you, darling?”

  I turned and inspected him. He was slim with fine features and his mother’s hair and eyes. I searched for something of me in his face and decided that his nose was a little like mine.

  “This is Uncle Symon, Graydon,” said Liv. “You haven’t seen him since you were at school. Your father was his cousin.”

  So she had persisted with the pretence, even all these years after Marvin rejected them both. The boy smiled and offered me his hand. His handshake was firm, his palm soft and cool. His clothes looked too big for him.

  There was so much I wanted to say, but I didn’t know where to begin. Graydon’s presence made it harder for me to speak freely. I hoped that Charlet might lead him away so that Liv and I could speak to each other alone, but she remained at my side.

  “What are you doing now, Graydon?” I asked.

  “I’m a junior manager with the Europa Construction Company,” he said.

  “You’re going to be a successful businessman, like your dad, aren’t you?” said Liv with obvious pride.

  He frowned. “I don’t know what I’m going to do in the future.”

  “Graydon’s engaged, aren’t you, darling?” said Liv.

  “Congratulations. When’s the wedding?” said Charlet, smiling.

  “We haven’t decided yet,” he said. “We’d like to be able to buy a place of our own, but we don’t have enough for a deposit yet. Even small apartments are very expensive now.”

  “We should be going,” said Liv. “It’s been lovely to see you.”

  She turned to leave and Graydon followed her. I wanted to say, ‘Let’s keep in touch’ or ‘Let’s exchange comms codes’ or ‘I still love you’, but all I said was, “Goodbye”, and watched helplessly as they walked away.

  Charlet took my arm. “Come on, Dad, we’d better be going as well,” she said.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  That night I slept poorly, a restless sleep punctuated by disturbing dreams. Despite this I woke late to find a message from Charlet, saying that she’d already left for the office and she would see me later. She had programmed the kitchen to make my breakfast when I was ready for it. While I was eating I decided I would go out by myself and visit some of my old haunts.

  After breakfast I set off, going first to the former premises of Piper and Shaw, which were a short ATV ride from the apartment. The building looked much the same, but our sign had been removed and replaced with one that said, ‘Astrotek: Europa’s Leading Supplier of Customised Electronic Components’. I couldn’t help wondering if we could have weathered the storm of the recession and kept the company afloat, had Marvin and I not fallen out. Since he was the main driving force behind our success, this was probably a forlorn hope.

  I moved on and took another ATV to the apartment block where I’d lived after my divorce. I thought about going inside, but decided against it. The only way I could have got past the security scanner at the front door would have been to contact an existing resident and ask if I could visit them. I wasn’t at all sure that any of my former neighbours would still be there after all this time and in any case I wouldn’t have been able to see my old apartment. As I stood outside I wondered why I’d bothered to go there at all. I’d had some good times there with Karina but mostly it had been a place where I had been alone and lonely. I moved on.

  I dropped in briefly at the office where I’d worked after I left Piper and Shaw. There was only one member of staff who had been there at the same time as me but at least I was able to catch up with her news. I spent the rest of the morning exploring my favourite shopping malls and looking to see which of the restaurants where I used to eat were still open. I had lunch in one of them before returning to Charlet’s flat.

  I arrived back around three o’clock. Charlet returned about an hour later, having left work early so that she could spend time with me. We sat in easy chairs and talked about Lucie and Tibor, and about her own life and aspirations. It occurred to me that I hadn’t been to the observation tower where we’d lived in a luxury apartment at the zenith of my career in business. After all, we’d enjoyed some happy times there and it was Richmond and Charlet’s childhood home. This made me think of Meena, something I hadn’t done for a long time.

  “Do you see much of your mother these days?” I asked casually.

  “She comes round most weeks, or I go to her place. She’s on her own now, you know.”

  “I didn’t realise that,” I said. “What happened to her husband?”

  “He died a couple of years back. He was quite a bit older than her. Of course he left her well provided for, but I think she’s lonely.”

  “It’s surprising to me that in an age when medical science has overcome so many of the diseases of the past so many people still die relatively young.”

  “I’m not sure what was wrong with him,” she said. “I do know that he’d had a few minor health problems, but he seemed fine generally. Then one morning Mum found him dead in bed beside her. It was a terrible shock for her.”

  “I am sorry to hear that,” I said. I thought for a moment then added, “Do you think I should go and see her? I mean do you think she’d welcome a visit from me in the circumstances? I wouldn’t want to upset her.”

  “To be honest I’m not sure,” said Charlet. “I told her you were coming to visit, but she didn’t say much. I’ll call her and ask if you’d like.”

  “Yes please, unless you think that it’s better not to.”

  Meena invited me to visit her the following afternoon. As I made my way to her apartment I wondered what had made me suggest that we meet. I had hardly seen her at all during the period that I lived on Europa after the divorce, nor during the previous visits I’d made to see the children since I’d been living on Callisto. Perhaps Marvin’s death had made me feel the need to try and make my peace with other people I’d hurt in the past, before it was too late.

  I wasn’t surprised to find that Meena’s apartment was in an observation tower and was larger and more luxurious than the one that she and I had shared. Meena herself had changed less than I’d expected. She’d put on some weight, but had kept her figure and had dyed her hair a colour that was very close to her natural shade. She invited me to come into the living room and offered me tea, which I declined. It was a large room with windows on two sides, a very unusual design on Europa.

  “This is a lovely apartment,” I said, looking around me.

  “Yes, I’m very fond of it,” she said. “The views are magnificent, I never tire of looking out of the windows.” I moved closer to one of them and looked out over the icy waste below us. My visit had coincided with a time of the Europan day when the light was good and I could see quite a long way. Now that I was with Meena I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say to her.

  �
��Charlet told me that you’re still living alone,” she said.

  “Yes, that’s right,” I replied. “I’m pretty used to it now.”

  “I really miss Gunter; we were very happy together.”

  “I’m glad about that; you deserved to find happiness after the rotten time you had with me.”

  “It wasn’t all bad,” she said with a half-smile. “We have two lovely children and we were happy in the beginning. I’m just sad it all went so dreadfully wrong.”

  “It was all my fault really; perhaps we shouldn’t have got married. I don’t think I was the right person for you.”

  “Don’t say that; you were a good husband to me until, well, you know what happened.”

  “I’m glad to have the chance to tell you how sorry I am that I hurt you,” I said. “I know I let you down badly. I wish there was some way I could make it all right again.”

  “What’s done is done; we can’t change the past,” she said with a sigh. “If we hadn’t broken up I wouldn’t have met Gunter. I hope you won’t mind me saying this, Symon, but he really was the love of my life. I only wish he was still here.” Tears trickled down her cheeks and she wiped them away.

  Clearly I had underestimated the ‘flashy bonker’. I’d had the impression that he was a shallow person who was more interested in showing off his obvious wealth than in deep, meaningful relationships. I’d probably failed to understand Meena as he had done and was therefore unable to meet all her needs. I was genuinely pleased to learn that they’d been happy, and not just because it went some way to assuage my own guilt. We parted on friendly terms, with the possibility of another meeting if and when I was ever on Europa again.

  I spent the daytime on Friday with Charlet who had taken the day off work. In the afternoon we sat in her living room talking. She asked me how I’d got on with Meena.

  “It was all very amicable really,” I said. “I was glad to have the chance to tell her I was sorry. I never said that to her at the time of the divorce.”