Stranger Than Fanfiction

by Chris Colfer

  “Dude, we just met on a hookup app,” Joey reminded him. “Are you seriously giving me an abstinence talk right now?”

  “Not the point I’m trying to make,” Brian said. “Look, sex is the fucking best, but it can also be the fucking worst if you’re not careful. Your first time could potentially set the tone of your sex life. If you don’t start off with a decent experience or don’t go into it respecting yourself, it could lead to some really bad habits. You don’t want to become one of those guys with fulfillment issues who jumps into bed with every guy they meet—believe me.”

  Brian downed his Manhattan in one gulp like he was washing away a bad memory.

  “We’re not hooking up tonight, are we?” Joey asked.

  “Absolutely not,” Brian said. “You’re going to be talking about your first for the rest of your life. The last thing you want to do is look back with regrets or feel like someone unworthy is walking around with a piece of your soul. Trust me, I learned that the hard way. If I could do it all over again, I would lose it to a friend I knew I could trust, someone I could be safe with and laugh about it with later.”

  “I think I appreciate what you’re saying,” Joey said. “But it’s more complicated than that. My dad’s a well-known pastor and I’m going to a Baptist college next year. It’s hard to think of a scenario that wouldn’t get back to him aside from doing it with a stranger—and I’m not ready for my family to know.”

  “Now, that’s rough,” Brian said. “I’ve got an uncle that’s refused to acknowledge me since I came out, but it’s not an excuse to shortcut the most important parts of our lives. I know this is hard to understand when you’re young, but if your dad would rather lose a son than accept you for who you are, that’s his loss. Remember, for every person that doesn’t accept you, you’ll find a dozen who will. It’s a gay law.”

  “Are you like a motivational speaker or something? You can’t be making all this stuff up on the spot.”

  “Tuesdays and Thursdays at the San Diego LGBT Community Center,” he said.

  Joey couldn’t believe his luck. Of all the people to meet online, he had found a person who wouldn’t take advantage of him. Brian put some cash on the counter and stood to leave.

  “Drinks are on me,” he said. “Take care of yourself, Jay.”

  “Actually, it’s Joey,” he said. “And are you sure you don’t want to take me back to your place? You’d make an awfully decent memory.”

  Brian laughed. When no one was looking, he quickly leaned down and kissed Joey on the lips.

  “There,” he said. “At least you got something out of the way. Good night.”

  Joey watched Brian go in total silence as he came down from the high of his first kiss. Sure, he didn’t get what he wanted, but at least he’d leave the bar a little more of a sinner than a saint.

  “Hey, Romeo! How was your date?”

  Joey turned toward the voice and saw Cash Carter sitting in a booth in the very back. The actor had a huge grin and gave him a thumbs-up.

  “Oh no.” Joey gasped. “How long have you been sitting there?”

  “The whole time,” Cash said.

  Joey had never been more mortified in his life. All the blood in his body rushed to the pit of his stomach. He covered his face with his hands, but nothing could shield him from the intense overexposure. The night he had been dreaming about since yesterday morning had quickly turned into a nightmare.

  “He seemed like a nice guy. Too bad he wouldn’t put out.”

  Joey hurried to his table and slid into the seat across from him.

  “Please don’t tell the others about this,” he begged. “I know I lied to you in the car, and I’m sure there might be some satisfaction in calling me out on it, but I’m not ready for anyone to know.”

  Joey acted like he was begging for his life instead of asking someone to keep a secret.

  “It’s all good, man,” Cash said. “I’m not going to tell anyone. I understand why you want to keep it from your family, but why not tell your friends? They seem open-minded enough to handle it.”

  “I just don’t want to risk it, okay?” Joey said. “If word ever got back to my parents—well, I don’t know what would happen. They’d probably disown me or ship me off to some facility where they shock the gay out of you. It’s just better for everyone if I keep it to myself.”

  “Mm-hmm.” Cash grunted. “Is that also why you’re going to Oklahoma Baptist University for performing arts? Because it’s better for everyone?”

  “What are you getting at, Cash?”

  “Dude, you’re bending over backward to please the people you’re never going to get approval from,” Cash said. “I know because I’m guilty of it, too, and it’s a total waste of time. It’s like when I spend my days off doing favors for television critics. No matter how many head shots I sign or videos I record for their bratty kids, it isn’t going to make them review my projects any better or write good things about me in their recaps.”

  “No offense, but I think pleasing my family and pleasing a bunch of critics is totally different,” Joey said.

  “Sorry—it was just the first example I could come up with,” Cash said. “Your whole world is going to open up once you get out from under your dad’s thumb. Don’t you remember that whole It Gets Better thing the Wiz Kids cast participated in?”

  Cash was trying to help, but it was only making Joey angrier by the second.

  “You Hollywood people are so full of shit,” Joey said. “You act like all our problems can be solved with a catchphrase or a hashtag—like our lives actually get easier if we see a bunch of celebrities with matching T-shirts in a PSA.”

  “Dude, I’m just trying to sympathize with you,” Cash said. “I know what it’s like to—”

  “No you don’t, Cash!” Joey yelled. “You don’t know what it’s like to feel ashamed every time you have a physical attraction! You don’t know what it’s like to have most of the planet think you’re a pervert, a demon, or mentally ill! You don’t know what it’s like to live in a country with judges and cabinet members that think you belong in jail! You don’t know what it’s like to know the people you love the most would never love the real you! You’ll never know any of those things, so don’t pretend you do!”

  Joey had to catch his breath and recover from the outburst like he’d just run a marathon. He had been so successful at hiding his anger, he didn’t realize there was so much inside him. Once it started pouring out, Joey couldn’t stop it, as if Cash had put the final crack in the dam around his heart.

  “Feel better?” Cash asked.

  “I’m so sorry,” he said. “I’ve—I’ve—I’ve never said those things to anyone before. I don’t think I’ve even said them to myself.”

  “I was worried the furniture was going to start levitating,” Cash said. “You’re right, though. I don’t know what any of that is like. But I do know what it’s like to feel trapped and too afraid to do anything about it.”

  “How so?” Joey asked.

  “Agoraphobia,” Cash said.

  “Agoraphobia?”

  “It’s the fear of leaving your house,” Cash said. “Remember the Christmas episode in season five? The one that implied the Virgin Mary was an alien abductee and Jesus Christ was an extraterrestrial/human hybrid?”

  “Of course,” Joey said. “People were not happy about that—my parents almost forbid me to watch the show.”

  “It was the worst backlash Wiz Kids had ever received,” Cash said. “And even though I didn’t write it, since I was the face of the show, people took their anger out on me. I got death threats from five different radical religious groups.”

  “What?”

  Joey assumed it was another one of Cash’s exaggerated stories, but he was being dead serious.

  “Oh yeah,” he said. “They threated to shoot me, to mail me poison, to put a bomb in my car—you name it! For a good year, I was terrified to leave my house. The only other places I went were th
e studio to shoot the show and WizCon to promote it.”

  “What did you do? How did you get over it?” Joey said.

  “One day I woke up and decided I had had enough,” Cash explained. “I realized it didn’t matter what might happen to me outside, because the damage was already done. Those maniacs had already taken my life away by making me live in fear; it just took me a while to recognize it. So I finally built up the courage to step outside, and you want to know what I learned?”

  “What?”

  Cash smiled serenely. “I learned why they call it fresh air,” he said. “And one day, you will, too.”

  Joey was stunned, not so much by the story, but that so much insight had come out of the man who passed out at a Rosemary’s Abortion concert.

  “Wow, none of us had any idea you went through something like that,” he said. “That must have taken a lot of courage.”

  “It took strength I didn’t even know I had,” Cash said. “Also, the police traced all the death threats back to a forty-seven-year-old loser living in his mother’s basement. That helped, too.”

  Joey shook his head and gave the actor a dirty look—he had almost fallen for it. There was definitely a thin line between a storyteller and a bullshitter, and it was becoming clearer and clearer which side of the line Cash was on.

  “What are you even doing here, anyway?” Joey asked.

  “I’m meeting up with someone, too, and there aren’t many places to choose from on a Monday night in Oklahoma City,” Cash said.

  “Who are you meeting?”

  “You’re not the only one who uses the Internet to hook up,” Cash said. “Now scram before you scare my strange away like you did yours. There’s not enough cold water at the hotel for both of us.”

  Joey left Sinners and Saints and headed back to the Vacation Suites down the street. He didn’t get the physical release he was hoping for, but after a night of honesty, it was much easier to breathe. He didn’t want to give Cash any credit, but maybe there was some truth to his bullshit after all.

  Chapter Thirteen

  HIGH TIMES AT HIGH TYDES

  At nine o’clock on Tuesday morning, the Downers Grove gang of four gathered around the door of room 406 at the Oklahoma City Vacation Suites. They were ready to depart for the next destination and hoped the fifth passenger would be joining them this time around.

  “Are we positive Cash made it to his room?” Mo asked.

  “I saw him on my way in last night,” Joey said, stretching the truth. “He’s definitely in the city, but I can’t guarantee he’s in his room.”

  “How’d he look?” Sam asked.

  “Pretty good for someone hungover and in the middle of a scandal,” Joey said.

  Topher lightly knocked on the door and prayed today’s wake-up call would be easier than the previous morning’s. To their surprise, Cash answered the door almost immediately. He was completely naked expect for a bath towel wrapped around his waist. Topher shrieked and covered his eyes while the others stared in awe at the actor’s unexpectedly toned physique.

  “Good morning,” Cash said happily. “Is it time to leave?”

  “Morning!” Topher said awkwardly. “Glad you found your room last night. We were just about to head out. Do you need a few minutes?”

  “A couple seconds, actually,” Cash said. “I didn’t exactly get a chance to unpack.”

  The actor moved through the room searching for his clothes. They were scattered across the floor like he had undressed in a hurry. He found his pants under the table, his shirt was over the lampshade, and his underwear was hanging from the handle of the minibar. Cash also found a red bra and a cheetah-print thong among his things, which confused the hell out of the others.

  “Are you leaving already?” said a sleepy second voice in the room.

  Topher, Joey, Sam, and Mo leaned into the doorway and saw a naked woman lying in the bed. They were as surprised to see her as she was to see four teenage strangers. The woman screamed and covered herself with the sheets.

  “Sorry!” Topher said on behalf of his friends. “We didn’t realize you had company!”

  “Oh yeah, guys this is…” Cash paused as he made the introduction. “What was your name again?”

  “It’s Brenda,” she said angrily.

  “Right, Brenda,” Cash recalled. “For some reason I almost called you Vicky—”

  The pile of pillows next to Brenda started to move and another woman peeked out from under the sheets.

  “I’m Vicky,” she said.

  “I completely forgot you were there, too!” Cash said. “I should really start writing names down before I fall asleep.”

  He gathered the rest of his clothes and popped into the bathroom to change. Topher, Joey, Sam, and Mo waited for him in the hall and looked at one another with open mouths and huge eyes. They didn’t know how to feel about what they’d just seen; they just knew it could never be unseen.

  “Ladies, thanks for showing me a good time last night,” Cash said as he reemerged from the bathroom. “Checkout isn’t until noon, so enjoy the room!”

  He promptly shut the door of room 406 behind him and led the others down the hall to the elevators.

  “Looks like you had a good night,” Topher said.

  “You can say that again,” Cash said.

  “I hope you weren’t disrespectful to those women,” Sam said.

  “Please, if anyone was disrespected last night it was me—but I’ll spare you the details,” Cash said with a smirk. “I never thought I’d say this, but God bless Oklahoma.”

  They left the Vacation Suites and climbed into the station wagon. It was Sam’s turn to drive so he had a seat behind the steering wheel. Topher sat in the front with him, Mo and Joey shared the backseat, and Cash took his usual spot lying on top of the luggage in the very back.

  “So, where are we off to next, Captain Janeway?” Cash asked.

  “Amarillo, Texas,” Sam said. “We should get there in about four hours.”

  “More like five and a half if Sam is driving.” Joey laughed.

  “Not true!” Sam said, and hit his leg.

  “How was Ernest Hemingway yesterday?” Cash asked.

  Had the actor asked this question two days ago, the others wouldn’t have known what he was talking about, but the more they spent time with Cash, the more they started speaking his language.

  “The Mark Twain National Forest was great,” Topher said. “We got a great hike in, saw some cool animals—”

  “And we became the number one enemy of the Wiz Kids fandom,” Mo added. “Don’t forget that part.”

  Cash made a noise like he was guilty of breaking something valuable.

  “I heard about that on the radio on my way into Oklahoma City,” he said. “I’m guessing you guys were in the video, too, huh? Sorry about roping you into it.”

  “We were just worried about you,” Topher said. “How are you handling it?”

  “Oh, you don’t have to worry about me,” he said. “I’m so used to people making mountains out of molehills. This isn’t the first time I’ve been in the news, and it won’t be the last. Besides, the studio publicists already released a statement saying I was dehydrated, so that should clear it up.”

  The others shared a look—Kylie Trig’s prediction had come true.

  “The funny thing is no one actually checked in to make sure I was even still alive before announcing I was fine.” Cash laughed. “Wishful thinking on the studio’s part, if you ask me.”

  The actor yawned like a lion and stretched out his arms.

  “This might be shocking, but I didn’t get much sleep last night,” he said. “Mind if I take a little snooze back here?”

  No one objected—but they all put in earphones in preparation.

  The station wagon reached the edge of town, and they drove onto Interstate 40 and headed west toward Texas. Once the city disappeared behind them, there was nothing to look at for miles and miles but the wide-open fi
elds of the Oklahoma plains. It was an easy environment to notice something peculiar or out of place.

  About two hours into their drive, Sam tapped Topher’s leg with a suspicious look in his eyes. Topher took his earphones out to see what was bothering him.

  “What is it?” he asked. “Did Cash say something offensive in his sleep?”

  “No, check out the car behind us,” Sam said.

  Topher looked into the side-view mirror outside his window. Driving considerably close to the station wagon was a black Toyota Prius with a California license plate.

  “They’ve been following us since the hotel,” Sam said. “I’ve switched lanes a couple times but they won’t pass me. You think we should be worried?”

  Topher had a second look at the car. The windows were so tinted he couldn’t even see who was driving the vehicle. It gave him a bad feeling, too, but it seemed unlikely to be a threat.

  “I don’t think so,” he said. “We’re just both on edge right now because of that whole video thing. There are only so many routes out of Oklahoma and this is a popular time to be on the road—they’re probably headed back home.”

  “You’re right,” Sam said. “Thanks for talking me down.”

  He wasn’t paying complete attention to the road and drove right over a massive pothole. The whole car shook like it was hitting a speed bump. Cash’s body slammed against the roof the car, waking him up from a deep sleep.

  “Ouch!” he moaned.

  “Sorry!” Sam said. “Accident!”

  Cash rubbed his head. “Are we there yet?”

  “We’re about halfway to Amarillo,” Topher said. “But we’ll be crossing the state line into Texas soon—so get your boots ready!”

  Cash looked between the other passengers’ heads at the road in front of them. They passed a sign that made the actor smile from ear to ear and point like a child seeing Elmo.