Tell Me Everything

by Amy Hatvany

  “That sounds good,” Nancy said. “Let me know if you need anything.”

  “Thank you.” I stood up, then, and so did she. We didn’t have a hugging kind of relationship, so I held out my hand, and she shook it.

  “You’ll get through this,” she said, encouragingly, as I made my way to her door.

  “Thank you,” I said, again, and then I went back out to my car. I knew that Peter was an early riser, even on the weekend, so before I drove to his house, I called him. “Are the kids up, yet?” I asked, when he answered the phone. I heard the TV on in the background, then a screeching Ruby, and Kari’s sharp, but muffled response.

  “Yeah, but barely,” Peter said, gruffly.

  “Is it okay for me and Jake to come over? I need to talk to them.”

  “Yeah,” Peter said, and I thanked him. I texted Jake, letting him know that I was headed over to Peter’s house, and he answered right away, saying that he’d meet me there. I was already drained from the tumult of the last sixteen hours or so, more tired than I think I’d ever been. But I didn’t have a choice. I had to talk with the kids.

  It only took me fifteen minutes to get to Peter’s house from the office. I parked on the street, and waited for Jake, wanting us to go inside together. While I was sitting there, I got a text from Ella.

  “I don’t feel like talking,” it said.

  I took a deep breath before responding. “I don’t either, but we need to. It won’t take long. I’m waiting for Jake.”

  “I don’t want to talk with him, either!” she said, and before I could reply, Jake’s SUV rounded the corner. He parked on the opposite side of the street from me, and I got out and shut my car door as he approached.

  “Thanks for coming,” I said, trying to read his face for what he might be feeling. His lips were drawn in a hard, straight line. He had showered and changed into a pair of tan cargo shorts and a white T-shirt. He looked as tired as I felt.

  “What did Nancy say?” he asked as we walked toward Peter and Kari’s front door. I told him, quickly, and he nodded in acknowledgment, but didn’t say anything more.

  I rapped on the door, lightly, and heard Ruby yelling, unintelligibly. There was a loud, but inaudible response, and a moment later, Peter welcomed us inside. He had built this house for him and Kari, back before Ruby was born. It had an enormous entryway that led directly into an open-spaced kitchen/family room, where Ella and Tuck sat on a large sectional couch, their eyes glued to the huge flat screen that was hung over the fireplace, where cartoons were playing. Ruby was at the square dining room table, which was in between the kitchen and couch. She was on a chair with a small bowl in front of her, wearing an Elsa-from-Frozen light blue nightie. Her brown, angel-puff of hair made it clear she had only recently gotten out of bed. At six years old, she was petite, like her mother, and according to Ella and Tucker, stubborn like her dad.

  “Hi, you two,” Kari said from her spot in front of the kitchen sink. She looked tired, too, that almost indescribable bone-tiredness I remembered so well from both of the first trimesters of my pregnancies. Her blond hair was in a messy bun and she wore a red and baggy Wright Contractors T-shirt.

  Both Jake and I said good morning at the same time, trying to ignore the thick tension in the room. Neither of the kids greeted us.

  “Thanks for letting us come over so early,” I said, looking at both Peter and Kari.

  “I have yogurt!” Ruby announced, and accidentally knocked her bowl to the floor, splattering her breakfast everywhere.

  Kari sighed. “Let me clean her up and we’ll get out of your way,” she said. “Can you help me, honey?” She looked at Peter, but he shook his head.

  “I’ve got a meeting at the job site at nine-thirty,” he said. He grabbed his keys from the counter, and I felt a pinch of empathetic anger on Kari’s account, remembering how he so often used to leave me to take care of the kids on my own when we were married, too.

  “Can I talk to you for a sec?” I asked Peter, and Jake gave me a quick, concerned look. “It’s fine,” I told my husband, and then I followed my ex outside, to his truck, which was parked in the driveway.

  “So, I know this is all really crazy,” I began, and as I had with Nancy, I tried to appear more confident than I felt.

  Peter adjusted his baseball cap and looked away from me. “Like I said, none of my business.”

  “Well, it is, kind of,” I countered, not letting him escape the conversation just yet. “Because of the kids. If they talk with you about it, I hope you’ll reiterate that what was posted should have stayed private, but my email and my Neighbors account were hacked. Maybe use it as a way to talk to them about being careful what they put online. And if you can, try not to bad-mouth me.”

  “You think I would?” Peter said, slightly raising his black brows. His voice was rough.

  I took in a deep breath and then released it. “No. Sorry. This is all really hard.” My chest felt hollow, and tears stung my eyes.

  “You okay?”

  “Not really.”

  “You will be.” He met my gaze and I felt a flicker of comfort—as though we were friends, or at least, as ex-spouses who shared a past and had brought two beautiful children into the world together, something akin to it.

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  He bobbed his head, his lips pressed together before he spoke. “So Jake hit the guy?”

  “How did you know?” I asked, taken aback.

  Peter made a fist.

  “Oh, right,” I said. I’d never thought of him as especially observant, but it wasn’t the first time he had surprised me. “Anyway, I’m going to talk with them, and hope they come home with me, so we can work out how to handle all of this. I’m worried what their friends are going to say.”

  “They can stay, if they want,” Peter said. “And good luck. Ella is pissed.”

  I cringed. “I know. What about Tuck?”

  Peter shrugged. “He’s embarrassed. He doesn’t want to talk about it.” He gave me a long look. “I don’t blame him.”

  I sighed. “Yeah, well, that makes two of us.”

  He left, and I reentered the house to find the TV off and Jake sitting on the couch with Ella and Tuck. Kari and Ruby had disappeared, upstairs, presumably, for a bath, because I could hear water running and the pitter-patter of her bare feet as she ran up and down above us.

  “Hey guys,” I said, going to join my family. I sat down on the far corner of the sectional, a cushion away from Jake. The kids sat opposite of us, and both had their arms crossed over their chests, refusing to look at me. “Look, I know this sucks. And I’m so sorry it happened. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. But we need to talk about it, at least a little, so I can help you figure out how to handle it.”

  “Your mom’s right,” Jake said, and I felt grateful for his support, considering what I’d put him through. I took it as a small sign that he had the capacity to forgive me; that we were still a team.

  “What’d you do to your hand?” Tuck asked him. He still wouldn’t look at me.

  “That doesn’t matter,” Jake said.

  “What matters is that mom had sex with other guys,” Ella said. “Someone named Andrew.” She spit out his name like it was poison.

  “So you hit him?” Tuck asked Jake. He sounded impressed.

  “I did,” Jake admitted. “I shouldn’t have, but my anger got the better of me.”

  “He stood up for me,” I said.

  Ella narrowed her eyes as she finally gazed in my direction. “I don’t know why he would,” she said. “You sent him disgusting text messages and naked pictures. It’s so fucking embarrassing, I can’t stand it!” Her face turned red, and tears shone in her eyes.

  “Oh honey,” I said, fighting back my own tears. “I’m sorry. But you have to know that it wasn’t an affair. It’s more complicated than that. Your step-dad...” I trailed off, unsure of how much I should tell them. They were teenagers, and for the most part, open with me a
bout sex, as long as I kept it general and educational. I knew this conversation was as excruciating for them as it was for me. Maybe more so.

  “I knew what your mom was doing,” Jake said, saving me. “It was something we decided to do, together. But it was never meant for anyone else to know about. This man got angry, and hacked into your mom’s email and Neighbors account.”

  Ella and Tuck were silent.

  “So that’s all you need to say, if anyone brings it up,” I said. “That my accounts were hacked, and everything that happened was private and should have stayed that way.”

  “And that you should be careful what you do online,” Tuck piped up. He looked at me with his light green eyes and frowned. “You weren’t very smart, Mom.”

  I gave him a closed lipped smile. “You’re right. I wasn’t. I made a huge mistake and I’m sorrier for it than I can say. I’m sorry you guys have to deal with any of this. You shouldn’t have to. I wish I could make it all go away.” I looked at my daughter. “Are you guys ready to come home?” All I could think about was turning off my phone and curling up on the couch with my kids and husband. We could watch movies all day, then order pizza for dinner and finish off the ice cream I’d bought for us the other day. We could cocoon in the house and pretend, at least for the weekend, that none of this had happened. Even if things weren’t perfect between me and Jake, I wanted to be near him.

  “I’m staying here,” Ella said. She lifted her chin almost imperceptibly, defiantly the same way she had when she was Ruby’s age, and refusing to put on her shoes or make her bed. “I’ll stop by later and get more clothes before work tonight.”

  “That’s fine,” Jake said, and I shot him a sidelong glance. We hadn’t talked about whether the kids would come home with us, but since they’d already spent the majority of the week with Peter and Kari, I’d assumed that they would come home for the weekend.

  “Yeah, I’m supposed to help Dad with yardwork, later,” Tuck said.

  “And Kari needs help with Ruby,” Ella said. “I promised her I’d take her to the park.”

  “Oh,” I said, trying not to let my disappointment show. “Okay. So I’ll see you later, at the house? When you pick up some more clothes?”

  “Probably,” Ella said, nonchalantly. “I won’t be there very long.”

  Jake stood up and looked at the kids. “You can text or call us if you need to,” he said. “If you want to talk about this more.”

  “I won’t,” Ella said. “I don’t ever want to talk about it again.”

  I winced, internally, at the anger behind her words, but knew that like Jake, I would need to give her time to work through her feelings over what had happened. Maybe it was better that Jake and I had time alone this weekend, anyway. We could talk when we needed to, or just be in the house together. I could bake something, and make us an extra fancy meal. I’d break out the expensive bottle of Merlot my parents had given us for an anniversary gift and we’d get a little drunk, which was usually when we had some of our best talks. The booze lowered both of our defenses and our true feelings came spilling out.

  “Okay,” I said again, as I stood up, too. “Let me know if you need anything. I love you both so much. And I really am sorry.”

  “Love you, too,” Tuck said, but Ella remained silent. She grabbed the remote and turned the TV back on. I wanted to hug them both, but figured that I shouldn’t push it.

  “Tell Kari thanks again for letting us come over,” I said, and Jake and I left the house. “Well, that sucked,” I said to him as we made our way to our cars.

  “Yeah, it wasn’t great.” He jangled his keys in his hand. “I think I’m going to hang out with Kevin for a few hours. Go play some basketball and get some lunch.” Kevin was a friend of Jake’s from the days he used to work for Microsoft, right after he moved to Seattle. They didn’t get together often, but I knew Jake felt comfortable talking with him, though I hated knowing what they would likely discuss, today.

  “Oh,” I said. This time, I couldn’t hide my disappointment. “Aren’t you exhausted?”

  He shrugged. “I’ll live.”

  “Are you really, really sure you don’t hate me?” I asked, and tears once again sprung to my eyes.

  “Jess...,” he said, drawing out my name. “Please. You know that I don’t. I’m just upset. You broke the most important rule—telling me everything. And look what happened.”

  “I know.” My bottom lip trembled, and I wiped away a tear that rolled down my cheek. “You’re the most important thing in my life, baby—outside of the kids—and I hate so much that I hurt you. I wish we had never done any of this.”

  He regarded me for a moment before speaking. “I don’t wish that. But I do wish you’d come home from coffee with him and told me a funny story about how this guy ended up being someone you used to work with. We could have laughed about it, and that would have been that.”

  I nodded, keeping my mouth closed, trying not to break down in front of my ex-husband’s house. “I wish that, too,” I finally said, looking at him with teary eyes.

  “I know,” Jake said, softly, and then he sighed. “I’m going to go.”

  “Okay,” I said, and then I watched him cross the street and get into his car, wondering how long he’d be gone. Hoping that he wouldn’t decide to stay away for good.

  Twenty-Seven

  I stopped by the grocery store on the way home, planning to make Jake his favorite dinner in the hopes that he wouldn’t end up staying at Kevin’s house overnight. He never had before, but we were in an unprecedented situation. I didn’t know what to expect.

  It was only a little past ten when I pulled into the Whole Foods parking lot, and I quickly headed inside, hoping I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew. I kept my head down as I grabbed a cart and pushed it toward the back of the store to the seafood counter, where I would pick up a couple of pounds of fresh crab to make the crab cakes Jake loved, along with a creamy, Thai sweet chili sauce. I rounded the corner from the frozen food section when I felt someone staring at me. I looked up, and it was more than someone—it was two mothers of girls on Ella’s dance team, women I knew only well enough to smile and say hello. They stood about ten feet away from me with their heads leaned in, close together. One of them said something under her breath, and the other laughed, covering her mouth with one hand. Their eyes never left me.

  “Hi, Jessica,” the one who had spoken said, with a quick wave. “I’m surprised to see you out and about today.”

  My face was on fire, and I gripped the handle of the shopping cart tightly enough that it hurt my fingers. They knew. Of course they knew. They were looking at me and thinking about the pictures of my naked body and the intimate words I’d written. They were judging me. They thought I was a whore.

  I kept walking, trying to ignore the feeling of their eyes still on me as I ordered the crab, and then rushed around the store, throwing the ingredients I would need into my cart. I didn’t make eye contact with anyone, even the cashier as I stood at the register, waiting for my groceries to be rung up.

  “Any plans this beautiful Saturday?” the cashier asked.

  I finally looked up. She was a younger woman, maybe in her early twenties, with short, spiky black hair, pale skin, and a nose ring. “Nothing much,” I said, shakily, searching her face for any evidence that she knew who I was. “Just making some crab cakes, and baking a lemon tart.” The dessert was Jake’s favorite, and I usually only made it for his birthday, because he ended up wanting to eat the entire thing in one sitting, but I hoped coming home to find it on the counter later might soften his anger toward me. That might have been taking the notion that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach a bit too far, but I felt desperate enough to give it a chance.

  “Yum,” the cashier said with a smile. “What time should I be over?”

  I laughed, feeling my body relax. Maybe everyone in Queens Ridge wasn’t on the Neighbors app. Maybe some people in the community would still be k
ind to me.

  I wished her a nice day, and on my way out of the store, I saw Ben, Tiffany’s husband, in the parking lot, climbing out of his enormous, double cabbed, bright red truck with the “Mitchell Motors” logo painted in white and silver on the side. I immediately thought about Lizzy, wondering how she was doing, and if she had been released from the hospital. I also wondered if Ben had seen the posts about me, but I forced myself to ignore the trepidation I felt and walked toward him.

  “Hey, Ben,” I said, as I approached his truck. He had just shoved his cell phone into his front pocket.

  He looked at me with hooded gray eyes. He looked like he hadn’t slept, either. “Jessica. Hi.” He paused. “What are you doing here?”

  I smiled, and held up my shopping bags.

  He laughed, but it was a forced thing. “Oh, right, right. Sorry. I’m a little out of it this morning.”

  “I can imagine,” I said, feeling the weight of my own fatigue like wet sand packed beneath my skin. He wasn’t acting like he had seen the posts, but he could simply be too distracted by his daughter’s stint in the ER to show it. “I talked with Tiffany last night. She told me about Lizzy. How is she?”

  “She’s home,” Ben said. “Just barely. Tiff sent me to pick up a few things, but I forgot the list.” He looked lost, and patted his back pockets, as though he might find the misplaced scrap of paper there.

  “You can shoot her a text,” I said, gently. “She can remind you what to get.”

  “Good idea,” he said, giving me a grateful smile. “Thanks. I don’t know where my head is. The kids kept me up most the night.”

  “The little buggers can do that,” I said, imagining that this might be the first time Ben had been solely responsible for taking care of his twins, who were still in elementary school. “I’m happy to help any way that I can. I can watch the kids if you guys need to talk with Lizzy alone. Or if you need a break.”