The Cuckoo Clock Murders

by Roger Silverwood

  ‘Phew,’ Gawber said. ‘Some plan.’

  Angel finished the tea and put the cup back in the saucer.

  Gawber said: ‘You didn’t tell me about the Walther, sir.’

  He nodded. ‘My snout was right. Santana bought the gun – he said 10 November. More than a month ago. I think that he bought the gun for his own protection, probably put it in his desk or somewhere like that. Felicity found it, and when the time was right took it and gave it to Munro. After it had been used to murder Santana, Munro carefully wiped it clean of prints, but not down the tiny nooks and crannies, and dumped it in the gentlemen’s washroom to widen the range of suspects.’

  ‘Fantastic,’ Gawber said, his face glowing. ‘You’ve done it again.’

  A knock at the door saved Angel’s blushes. ‘Come in.’

  It was Scrivens. He was carrying a big plastic bag.

  ‘What is it, lad?’ Angel said, looking up.

  Scrivens held open the bag. ‘It’s these tennis balls, sir. The ones we took from Laurence Smith’s hut. They’re still in my locker. I can’t move for them. I want to know what to do with them. And you said you’d tell me about the tennis ball scam.’

  Angel smiled. ‘Very well. Listen up. In old property, such as the Victorian-built houses where Smith lives, the guttering and the pipes are a bit far seen into. If you’re handy with a set of ladders, you can climb up on to the roofs of these houses and drop a tennis ball down each of the fall pipes. Then after the next heavy downfall of rain, there will be a whole street full of people with flooding problems, needing their pipes attending to. At the critical moment, you can knock on their door in overalls and carrying a bag of tools and, at today’s prices, you can clean up about 300 quid a house. And you even get your ball back. Got it?’

  Scrivens stood there, his eyes bright, his mouth slightly open. Eventually he said, ‘Yes, sir. Thank you. I never knew that.’

  Angel said: ‘Right, lad. Now off you go.’

  Scrivens stood his ground. ‘Yes, sir, but what shall I do with these balls?’

  Angel looked back at Gawber and said, ‘The sergeant will tell you what to do with them, lad, won’t you, Ron?’

  Gawber stared at him.

  The phone rang.

  ‘Off you go. The pair of you. Sort him out, Ron, will you?’ he said.

  The door closed.

  Angel picked up the phone. It was DS Taylor.

  ‘Yes, Don?’

  ‘I’m at Munro’s house, sir. Thought you’d like to know that there are examples of female hair on the bedding that look very much like Felicity Santana’s. Same colour, same texture as the samples taken from the hairbrush in her caravan at the studio.’

  The bees started buzzing round in Angel’s chest. ‘Great stuff, Don.’

  ‘There’s more, sir.’

  Angel was so excited he wasn’t certain he could take any more. ‘Yes?’

  ‘Her fingerprints are all over the shower door and the taps.’

  He replaced the phone.

  He had a smile as big as the sun.

  The BMW seemed to drive itself to Angel’s house and into his garage.

  He locked the garage door and let himself in the back door.

  Mary called out from somewhere in the sitting room. ‘Hello. Is that you, love?’

  ‘No,’ he called back, then assumed the gruff voice of a pantomime villain. ‘It’s that big, bad womanizer from Bromersley nick, and I’m coming to get you!’

  She pretended to scream and spoke an octave higher. ‘Oh! No. No. I’m only thirteen.’

  ‘I’m not superstitious,’ he growled.

  ‘But my mother wouldn’t like it,’ she said.

  ‘Your mother’s not going to get it.’

  ‘I’ll tell the vicar.’

  ‘I am the vicar,’ he said and he arrived in the room with a beer he had taken from the fridge en route and looked round for her.

  She was seated in the chair, reading a book.

  ‘You silly fool,’ she said with a big smile. ‘You’re in a good mood.’

  He leaned over and gave her a big kiss on the lips.

  ‘You’ve solved the pig in the bed thing?’ she said.

  He lifted up his head and said: ‘Yes.’

  ‘And you want to tell me about it.’

  ‘No,’ he lied. ‘Not if you don’t want to know about it.’

  ‘I do. I do. I want to know all about it,’ she lied. ‘But—’ She suddenly looked very sternly at him. ‘There is something very important that we have to deal with first.’

  He frowned then sipped the beer. His mind raced round, trying to think what it was.

  Her face was as straight as a Bible. ‘Look at you,’ she said. ‘You’ve forgotten already.’

  He screwed up his eyes. ‘What?’ he said.

  ‘You’ve forgotten about little Timmy’s wedding present. The wedding’s next week. We’ve got to send them something … something really nice.’

  It suddenly dawned on him what she was talking about. ‘Oh yes,’ he said. ‘Of course. All taken care of.’

  She looked at him closely, her mouth dropping open.

  ‘I thought about a Swiss clock,’ he said.

  Her face brightened. She smiled. ‘That sounds … nice, Michael. Expensive.’

  ‘A cuckoo clock.’

  ‘Unusual.’

  ‘Yes,’ Angel said. ‘As it happens I’ve bought one. It’s in the car. Already boxed up.’

  Mary beamed at him.

  He smiled back at her and emptied the glass of beer.

  THE END

  OTHER BOOKS BY ROGER SILVERWOOD

  YORKSHIRE MURDER MYSTERIES

  Book 1: THE MISSING NURSE

  Book 2: THE MISSING WIFE

  Book 3: THE MAN IN THE PINK SUIT

  Book 4: THE MORALS OF A MURDERER

  Book 5: THE AUCTION MURDERS

  Book 6: THE MISSING KILLER

  Book 7: THE UMBRELLA MURDERS

  Book 8: THE MISSING MILLIONAIRE

  Book 9: THE MISSING THIEF

  Book 10: FIND THE LADY

  Book 11: THE MISSING MODEL

  Book 12: MURDER IN BARE FEET

  Book 13: THE MISSING HUSBAND

  Book 14: THE CUCKOO CLUB MURDERS

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  GLOSSARY OF ENGLISH SLANG FOR US READERS

  A & E: Accident and emergency department in a hospital

  Aggro: Violent behaviour, aggression

  Air raid: an attack in which bombs are dropped from aircraft on ground targets

  Allotment: a plot of land rented by an individual for growing fruit, vegetable or flowers

  Anorak: nerd (it also means a waterproof jacket)

  Artex: textured plaster finish for walls and ceilings

  A Level: exams taken between 16 and 18

  Auld Reekie: Edinburgh

  Au pair: live-in childcare helper. Often a young woman.

  Barm: bread roll

  Barney: argument

  Beaker: glass or cup for holding liquids

  Beemer: BMW car or motorcycle

  Benefits: social security

  Bent: corrupt

  Bin: wastebasket (noun), or throw in rubbish (verb)

  Biscuit: cookie

  Blackpool Lights: gaudy illuminations in seaside town

  Bloke: guy

  Blow: cocaine

  Blower: telephone

  Blues and twos: emergency vehicles

  Bob: money

  Bobby: policeman

  Broadsheet: quality newspaper (New York Times would be a US example)

  Brown bread: rhyming slang for dead

  Bun: small cake

  Bunk: do a bunk means escape

  Burger bar: hamburger fast-food restaurant

  Buy-to-let: Buying a house/apartment to rent it out for profit

  Charity Shop: thrift store

  Carrier bag: plastic bag from supermarket

  Care Home: an institution where old people are cared for

  Car park: parking lot

  CBeebies: kids’ TV

  Chat-up: flirt, trying to pick up someone with witty banter or compliments

  Chemist: pharmacy

  Chinwag: conversation

  Chippie: fast-food place selling chips and other fried food

  Chips: French fries but thicker

  CID: Criminal Investigation Department

  Civvy Street: civilian life (as opposed to army)

  Clock: punch

  Cock-up: mess up, make a mistake

  Cockney: a native of East London

  Common: an area of park land/ or lower class

  Comprehensive School (Comp.): High school

  Cop hold of: grab

  Copper: police officer

  Coverall: coveralls, or boiler suit

  CPS: Crown Prosecution Service, decide whether police cases go forward

  Childminder: someone who looks after children for money

  Council: local government

  Dan Dare: hero from Eagle comic

  DC: detective constable

  Deck: one of the landings on a floor of a tower block

  Deck: hit (verb)

  Desperate Dan: very strong comic book character

  DI: detective inspector

  Digestive biscuit: plain cookie

  Digs: student lodgings

  Do a runner: disappear

  Do one: go away

  Doc Martens: Heavy boots with an air-cushioned sole

  Donkey’s years: long time

  Drum: house

  DS: detective sergeant

  ED: accident and emergency department of hospital

  Eagle: boys’ comic

  Early dart: to leave work early

  Eggy soldiers: strips of toast with a boiled egg

  Enforcer: police battering ram

  Estate: public/social housing estate (similar to housing projects)

  Estate agent: realtor (US)

  Falklands War: war between Britain and Argentina in 1982

  Fag: cigarette

  Father Christmas: Santa Claus

  Filth: police (insulting)

  Forces: army, navy, and air force

  FMO: force medical officer

  Fried slice: fried bread

  Fuzz: police

  Garda: Irish police

  Gendarmerie: French national police force

  Geordie: from Newcastle

  Garden Centre: a business where plants and gardening equipment are sold

  Gob: mouth/ can also mean phlegm or spit

  GP: general practitioner, a doctor based in the community

  Graft: hard work

  Gran: grandmother

  Hancock: Tony Hancock, English comedian popular in 1950s

  Hard nut: tough person

  HGV: heavy goods vehicle, truck

  HOLMES: UK police computer system used during investigation of major incidents

  Home: care home for elderly or sick people

  Hoover: vacuum cleaner

  I’ll be blowed: expression of surprise

  Inne: isn’t he

  Interpol: international police organisation

  Into care: a child taken away from their family by the social services

  Iron Lady: Margaret Thatcher, applied to any strong woman

  ITU: intensive therapy unit in hosp
ital

  Jane Doe: a person whose identity is unknown/anonymous

  JCB: a mechanical excavator

  Jerry-built: badly made

  Jungle: nickname given to migrant camp near Calais

  Lad: young man

  Lass: young woman

  Lift: elevator

  Lord Lucan: famous aristocrat who allegedly killed his children’s nanny and disappeared in 1974. Has never been found.

  Lorry: a truck

  Lovely jubbly: said when someone is pleased

  Luftwaffe: German air force

  M&S: Marks and Spencer, a food and clothes shop

  Miss Marple: detective in a series of books by Agatha Christie

  MOD: ministry of defence

  Mobile phone: cell phone

  MP: Member of Parliament, politician representing an area

  MRSA: A strain of antibiotic-resistant bacteria.

  Myra Hindley: famous British serial killer

  Naff: lame, not good

  Naff all: none

  National Service: compulsory UK military service, ended in 60s

  Net curtains: a type of semi-transparent curtain

  NHS: National Health Service, public health service of UK

  Nick: police station (as verb: to arrest)

  Nowt: nothing

  Nutter: insane person

  Nursery: a place which grows plants, shrubs and trees for sale (often wholesale)

  Old bag: old woman (insulting)

  Old Bill: police

  OTT: over the top

  Owt: anything

  Pants: noun: underwear adjective: bad/rubbish/terrible

  Para: paratrooper

  Pay-as-you-go: a cell phone you pay for calls in advance

  PC: police constable

  Pear-shaped: go wrong

  Petrol: gasoline

  Pictures: movie

  Pillbox: a concrete building, partly underground, used as an outpost defence

  Pillock: fool

  Pips: police insignia indicating rank

  Piss off: as exclamation, go away (rude). Also can mean annoy.