A Secret for a Secret

by Hunting, Helena

  I wring my hands, remembering how awful it had been. “I’d realized pretty much right away that it was a mistake. He’d proposed on a Friday night, and he’d been doing keg stands.” I’m pretty sure we were both either still half-drunk or at least very hungover the next morning when we took the trip to the justice of the peace. “None of my friends were there. He asked two guys on the street to be our witnesses for fifty bucks.”

  “Jesus, Queenie. What were you thinking?”

  That if I was married, then my dad would stop worrying about me. That he’d start living his own life. That I would have my own person. And I was hungover, so that didn’t help. “I don’t think I was” is my stellar reply.

  He scoffs and shakes his head.

  I don’t tell him the worst part. That we stopped at a drive-through burger joint on the way back to the frat house after it was done. And then he took me up to his room and “made love to me.” His breath tasted like onions and beef, which he panted all over me between sloppy kisses. It lasted three minutes. At least it wasn’t painful, because of his pencil penis.

  “Two weeks after we tied the knot, I came home from the library, because studying in a frat house is impossible, and found him screwing one of the bunnies who was always hanging around.” She was pretty much their communal fuck toy. Which was horrible, but then, they were not a nice group of guys.

  “He cheated on you?” I love that he sounds appalled, likely because it’s something he would never even consider.

  “I don’t know why I was surprised at the time. I should’ve expected it, but I made a reckless, impulsive decision, and those have consequences.”

  “Was he even sorry?”

  “No. He wasn’t.” He’d told me I should’ve knocked first, and then he told me to get out. Get the fuck out. Like I was nothing. Because to him I was.

  “So I consulted a lawyer about getting a divorce—we didn’t qualify for an annulment—and got all the paperwork together, which is a huge pain in the ass, by the way. All you have to do is sign a few papers to get married but to undo it is a giant headache.” I rub my temple, feeling one coming on. “Everything was signed. All he had to do was pay his half of the filing fee and it would’ve been done. I thought it was taken care of. But he told me today that we were still married, and he doesn’t remember if he paid the fee. So here I am, six years later, still married to the biggest asshole I’ve ever had the misfortune of dating. All this for the hundred and fifty dollars he didn’t pay. I don’t know why I didn’t just pay the whole thing.” Tears leak out of the corners of my eyes, and I wipe them away with the back of my hand. “I was going to tell you tonight, when we got home after the game, but his stupid fiancée had to go and broadcast it to the damn media.”

  My phone buzzes from inside my purse. The ringtone tells me exactly who it is. “Oh my God, my dad is going to lose his mind.”

  “You never told him.” It’s not a question. The anger is gone from Kingston’s voice. Now he just sounds flat.

  I shake my head and press the heels of my hands against my eyes, as if that’s going to keep the tears at bay. “I didn’t think I’d ever have to. I thought it was done and over with and I wouldn’t have to deal with it or Corey again. As soon as I signed the papers and gave him my share of the money, I went home. I quit right in the middle of the semester.”

  And I moved right back in with my dad. He’d started dating someone while I was away, but as soon as I came home, he ended it. I enrolled in courses in the winter semester at a local college, and he never once gave me a hard time about the money he’d spent and lost on that semester. Or the other programs I later didn’t finish either.

  “Do you want to answer your phone?” King asks.

  “No.”

  “Let me rephrase that—should you answer your phone?”

  “Yes, but I can’t have this conversation over the phone.” I tip my head back. All I want to do is run away from this problem. Like I did when it happened in the first place. Back home. I’ve been doing that for the past six years. “He’s going to be so disappointed.”

  “Why do you think that?”

  “Because I made a stupid mistake, and now I’m all over social media. It’s a PR nightmare for him.”

  “He’ll know how to deal with it.”

  “But he shouldn’t have to deal with it. He shouldn’t have to deal with me. I should have my own place and a regular job. He bought that house specifically because it had a place for me if I needed it. And the pool isn’t for him; it’s for me. It’s like he knows I’m going to keep fucking my life up. Why can’t I get my shit together and keep it together for once?” I bang my head on the back of the seat. “I should’ve known something like this would happen. Everything was too good to last.”

  My phone rings again.

  “I’ll take you to your dad’s.” Kingston starts his car and pulls out of the parking lot.

  The rest of the trip is silent apart from my occasional sniffles.

  He pulls into the driveway and shifts into park.

  “Thank you for bringing me home. I’m sorry about . . . this whole thing. You really don’t need my stupid drama.”

  “I can handle drama, Queenie. My sister is my mom, remember?”

  “It wasn’t your choice to have that secret kept from you, though. And it wasn’t a mistake you made. It was someone else’s. This one is on me.” I sigh, my stomach flipping as the front door opens and my dad’s silhouette fills it.

  “Do you want me to come in with you?”

  “That’s kind of you, but I need to talk to my dad on my own. He’s probably going to be angry that I kept this from him, and I don’t think you’ll be an impartial mediator.”

  “Okay.” He nods once.

  I unbuckle my seat belt and reach for the door handle.

  “Hey.” Kingston’s warm, rough fingers wrap around mine, and he squeezes. “We’ll figure this out, okay?”

  “Okay. I should go.” He doesn’t make a move to kiss me, and neither do I. I’m not sure how much he’s placating me because he feels sorry for me and how much he really means it. I can’t say that I would blame him if he decided I’m too much for him.

  It’s usually why my relationships end.

  CHAPTER 23

  DAD DISAPPOINTMENT

  Queenie

  My dad steps aside to let me into the house. I feel like a teenager who’s been caught drinking. Except I got married instead. Which is infinitely worse. It would probably be better if I got caught robbing a bank than the situation I currently find myself in.

  “I think you have some explaining to do.” He closes the door, cutting off the view of Kingston’s car, which is still idling outside the house. I watch through the window as he pulls away from the curb, and I feel like my heart’s been run over.

  And it’s all my fault.

  If I’d stayed and made sure Corey paid the fees, I wouldn’t be here now, in this horrible situation. But I didn’t make sure everything was taken care of, because I wanted to run away from my problem and never think about it again. And now I have to face the consequences, which are a hell of a lot steeper than $150.

  “I’m sorry.” It’s the only thing I can think of to say. And I mean it. Wholly. Truly.

  I’m sorry for so many things.

  I’m sorry that my biological mother tricked him by lying and telling him she was on the pill when she wasn’t. I’m sorry that my dad was too hormonal to make a better, more informed decision and didn’t rubber up anyway. I’m sorry my mom bailed when I was a few months old. I’m sorry that my dad is such a good guy and decided he was going to raise me on his own.

  He stands in the middle of the living room, looking like he’s been to hell and back. “I don’t want an apology. I want you to tell me what happened. Did you really marry him?”

  I can handle so many things—his anger, his frustration, his irritation—but the look on his face right now is more than I can take. It’s not disappointment.
<
br />   It’s failure.

  I tell him everything I told Kingston, even the part when I walked in on Corey with someone else.

  “Why didn’t you tell me? Why would you keep this from me?”

  Because then I would’ve had to explain why I did it in the first place. I was wrong to be worried about his disappointment or anger. His hurt is far worse. I take a seat next to him. “I was embarrassed, and I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.”

  “I’m not disappointed, Queenie; I’m confused. I don’t understand why you made such a huge life decision on a whim and then kept it a secret for six years.”

  “We’re not supposed to still be married.” I explain what happened with the divorce paperwork and why it never went through.

  My dad rubs his temples. “It’s not the paperwork that’s a problem, Queenie. We can work on getting that taken care of starting tomorrow. It’s the fact that you were in that situation in the first place, and I had no idea. That’s my issue.”

  I twist my hands in my lap, feeling very much like the eighteen-year-old girl I was when all this happened in the first place. “I thought if I had someone, you might try to find someone too.”

  “Why would you think you needed to get married, though?”

  “Because I was eighteen and an idiot.” And hungover at the time. “And I thought marriage and stability were synonymous with each other. It was an impulsive, bad decision, one I can’t ever undo, no matter how badly I wish I could, but at the time it seemed like a good solution. All you did was work and take care of me. I got caught up in the idea of having my own person, thinking it might help you move on too.” And he had started to, until I came back home.

  My dad’s smile is sad. “Oh, honey, I chose to focus on you and work because those were the two things I cared the most about. I wasn’t ready to bring someone else into the mix. I wanted you to always be my top priority, especially since your mother wasn’t really in the picture, and when she was, all she did was cause you heartache.”

  I can only imagine what she’s thinking now if she’s seen the media coverage of this train wreck. I’m sure she’d be gleeful over the fact that I married a hockey star and then botched up the divorce. “I didn’t want you to put your life on hold for me anymore.”

  “I wasn’t putting it on hold for you, Queenie.” He takes my hand. “I didn’t trust myself to find someone who would be good for us. The last thing I wanted to do was bring a woman into our lives who was going to wreak more havoc on it. I tried dating on and off over the years, but I didn’t like the way it upset the balance.”

  “I feel like that’s my fault. I sure didn’t make it easy for you.”

  “You were a teenager; you weren’t supposed to make it easy. And maybe I should’ve tried harder to make one of those relationships work, but I wasn’t willing to risk making you feel as if you weren’t important. It was always us against the world, and I refused to let anyone who wasn’t worthy compromise our relationship.” He gives my hand a squeeze. “I was a kid raising a baby, and then I was a thirty-three-year old with a teenager. I made mistakes with you: ones I might not have made if I’d had maturity and life experience on my side. So I’m sorry that I failed you along the way.”

  “You didn’t fail me, Dad.”

  “But I did. Somewhere along the way I failed to communicate that my lack of relationships wasn’t because of you; it was because I wasn’t ready to settle down.”

  “I guess in my eighteen-year-old brain I thought me being married would give you the push you needed.”

  My dad laughs. “Sending me links to dating apps would have given me a similar push.”

  Both of our phones buzz—his from the table beside his recliner and mine from my purse. He nabs his, expression sobering as he scans the screen. “I’ve arranged a meeting with Corey and his agent so we can figure out the best way to deal with this. He’ll be issuing a public statement to help smooth things over; I can tell you that much. And we’ll get the divorce papers filed correctly, so that’s dealt with too.”

  “This is going to be such a PR headache.”

  “Slater is always a PR headache. If I’d known he was going to be such a constant problem for the team, I never would have agreed to the trade.”

  “I should’ve told you as soon as you signed him. Well, I should’ve told you as soon as I dropped out and came back home six years ago, but I was pretty embarrassed by the whole thing.”

  “We’ll get it dealt with so you can move on from it.” He taps the arm of the couch. “How’s Kingston handling it?”

  “He’s . . . handling it like he handles everything, I guess.” But that’s not necessarily true. I’ve never seen him as upset and angry as he was tonight, before I explained what happened.

  “Does that mean the two of you are okay?”

  “For now, I guess.”

  “For now?”

  “It’s a lot to deal with.” I’m a lot to deal with.

  “He cares a lot about you, though, Queenie. I can see that. He’ll weather this storm with you.”

  I want to believe my dad is right, but the problem is, I am the storm. And I worry that after a while, Kingston will want to trade the cyclone that is me for someone whose calm matches his.

  CHAPTER 24

  BUSY BODIES

  Kingston

  “What kind of girl gets married at eighteen in secret?”

  “This is soap opera level off the hook!”

  “She’s way more exciting than Jessica, that’s for sure.”

  “Do not encourage this, Gerald! Ryan does not need this kind of drama in his life.”

  I scrub my hand over my face. This call has been going for a good ten minutes. My whole family is on the call, so it’s a lot of loud voices and opinions being shouted at me. It’s giving me a headache. “Can you all stop talking over each other, please? And I think I get to decide how much drama I need in my life, Mom.” Despite her being my grandmother biologically, she’s still Mom to me. I can’t unlearn that. And unless it’s a private conversation, I still refer to my momster as Hanna.

  “How well do you really know this girl? She’s still legally married to another man. You can’t continue to date her,” Mom replies.

  That gets a few coughs and some muttered agreement.

  “I respect your opinion, and your concerns, but that’s not a choice you can dictate for me.” Although I will admit it’s a bit of a mind-bender to find out that I’ve been sleeping with a married woman, regardless of whether or not that marriage should have been dissolved more than half a decade ago. It’s bringing up a lot of conflicting emotions, like guilt and anger, and in some ways it feels like another betrayal.

  “Where is your head, Ryan?” Mom snaps. I can envision her, sitting at the kitchen island with the glass bowl full of fake fruit in front of her.

  “She must be a wild one in the bedroom if you’re willing to take on this kind of press.” I bet a million dollars my brother is smirking. He’s also not wrong, but it’s about a lot more than how compatible we are between the sheets.

  “Gerald Joseph Kingston, that is not appropriate,” Mom chastises.

  “But it’s probably true,” says Gerald. He’s ten years my senior and acts like he’s still seventeen.

  Mom decides to ignore that comment. “I understand that maybe you needed to sow your oats, Ryan, and now that you’ve done that, I think you should consider getting back together with Jessica. I know you went through a rough patch, but it’s clear she still cares about you.”

  “We’re not having a discussion about my relationship with Jessica right now, Mom.”

  “But you have years together. She’s already like a daughter to me. Have you spoken to her?”

  “Not recently.” And I don’t plan to, either, but telling my mother that is like telling a religious fanatic that their belief system is flawed: pointless and asking for trouble.

  “Well, I saw her last week, and she asked how you were doing. I tol
d her you would come to your senses soon enough. You don’t want to wait too long, or she’ll move on and find someone else. I would hate for her to settle, or for you to do the same.”

  “This isn’t about settling.” I pinch the bridge of my nose, frustrated and trying not to go off on her. My head is a mess over this, and I can see the damage Queenie’s mother did to her self-esteem and self-perception by constantly telling her she wasn’t ever going to amount to anything. I’m beginning to understand Queenie better, and this situation gives me a much clearer picture of why she’s so damn hard on herself. It also makes me wonder what it’s going to take for her to get past that, and if she even can, considering she’s spent the past six years hiding this mistake from the people who are most important to her.

  “I think we should come up to visit earlier than planned. We need to deal with this as a family,” she declares.

  That statement is followed by Gerald saying he might have trouble getting the time off work.

  “Maybe it would be better if we put a hold on the family visit,” I counter. While this conversation is taking place, I have private messages coming in from Hanna, who is also on the call but has remained silent for the most part, other than occasionally telling Gerald to can it.

  “I don’t think that’s a good plan at all. If anything, we need to come out there now more than ever. You need the emotional support.”

  “That’s not a good idea. I’m not in the headspace for a family intervention.” I just found out my girlfriend is married to a complete jerk. Yes, it’s a technicality, and in some ways I can understand why she didn’t say anything about it, but this isn’t something I’m going to get over in five minutes like everyone probably expects me to. The last thing I need is my family thrown into the mix, giving their opinions while I’m still trying to form mine.