A Secret for a Secret

by Hunting, Helena

  “Can you please go back inside, Jessica? Your presence is the opposite of helpful at the moment.”

  She lowers her hand, and her mouth drops open. “You aren’t being very nice to me right now.” But her mouth clamps shut just as quickly, and the hand comes back up to shield her from the smell.

  “I’m aware.” I move past her and gently take Queenie by the elbow, guiding her away from the noxious odors.

  She waits until we’re not breathing in garbage before she lowers her hand. “Your family brought your ex-girlfriend with them.”

  “I didn’t know until now. I’m sorry.”

  I reach out to . . . I don’t know . . . touch her, hug her, reassure her. Something.

  But she raises her hand and takes a step back, shaking her head slowly.

  “Queenie, please understand. I had no idea.”

  “I believe you.” She turns her head to the side and looks up at the sky, and a single tear cascades down her cheek. “But it’s a pretty strong message, don’t you think?”

  “I don’t—” I shake my head, because I honestly don’t have a good explanation for this at all, but I need to say something. “My mom meddles. She doesn’t understand. Jessica and I were together for a long time, and I think she’s having a hard time letting go.”

  “I get it, King. I mean, I don’t really, but I can see how all those years would make it hard for Jessica to walk away, especially from someone as amazing as you.” She sighs and rubs her temples. “But I can’t go back in there. What are you going to do? Introduce me as your girlfriend when they obviously brought her along so that you two could reconcile?” She takes another step away from me and holds out her hand, flagging down a passing taxi.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I’m going home. I can only take so much humiliation in one week, and this situation puts me way over my quota.”

  “I’ll come with you.” I take a step toward her.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea, do you?” She looks past me, and I glance over my shoulder to find my parents bursting out into the alley, followed by Jessica, again. “Your family is here for you. You need to stay and manage . . . whatever this is.” She brushes a tear away. “My battle armor already has enough dings in it today. I’m not sure it can take another round of hits from your family tonight. And honestly, I don’t want to meet them with your ex-girlfriend as a witness.”

  I don’t stop her when she gets into the cab and they drive away, because she’s right: I have to deal with my family and their thoughtlessness, and Queenie has been through more than enough this week.

  Jessica’s heels click on the sidewalk as she approaches, several steps ahead of the rest, mostly because Gerald is drunk-weaving and Hanna and my dad have to keep him from veering into the brick wall.

  “Ryan? What are you doing out here?” my mom calls from down the alley.

  “I was dealing with my girlfriend, who left because she’s obviously upset about my surprise.” I motion to Jessica and then feel bad about how much of a jerk I’m being to her, but Queenie’s had enough crap this week, and honestly so have I.

  “Pointing is rude, Ryan,” my mom tsks.

  “I thought you said Ryan and that adulteress broke up after that whole scandal thing happened,” Jessica says to my mom, looking confused.

  “You said what?” I straighten and clasp my hands behind my neck, pacing the sidewalk. I’m honestly trying to keep it together, but it’s getting more difficult by the second.

  My mom throws her hands in the air. Dramatically. Since there is no other way with her. “It’s not like you’re going to keep dating her after that whole thing went public in the media.”

  “She is married.” Jessica props a fist on her hip.

  “Was married. She’s divorced now.”

  Jessica wrinkles her nose. “You’re not really going to date a divorcée, are you? That’s just . . . not like you at all, Ryan.”

  Gerald drunk-weaves into the middle of the group. “What’s goin’ on?”

  My dad looks tired—as is typical when dealing with Gerald—and Hanna is obviously as pissed off as I am, based on her pursed lips and angry glaring.

  “Where’s the limo? We’re all going home!” I shout over them. I need to get us all out of here before we draw more attention and someone decides to record this ridiculous conversation.

  “But we just got here!” Gerald throws his arm over Hanna’s shoulder and uses her to help keep him from tipping over.

  “I’m calling a family meeting that isn’t going to take place in this parking lot,” I snap. “The limo. Where is it?” I ask Hanna, because out of everyone, she’s the one most likely to take my side on this. She’s always had my back, and I’m banking on her having it now too.

  “It should be parked over there.” Hanna motions across the lot.

  My family follows, although Gerald grumbles about having left a half-full beer behind, and Jessica and my mom are whispering loudly about my mood. I don’t say anything because I’m afraid I’m going to go off on them, and that’s not normally something I do. I’m always even. Levelheaded. But this is a new height of interference on my mother’s part, and I honestly don’t know what to make of it.

  Everyone piles into the limo, and somehow, despite my getting in last, I still end up between Jessica and my mom.

  “What’s gotten into you?” my mom asks once we’re on the way home.

  “Why would you tell Jessica that Queenie and I broke up?”

  “Because she’s married, and you were rightfully conflicted about the entire thing when we spoke about this as a family. Besides, I know my son well enough to know that you wouldn’t continue to date her.” Once again, my mom has found a way to spin a past conversation to suit her own purposes.

  “Out of all of us, you’re the last one I expected to hook up with a married chick,” Gerald says through a loud belch.

  “Shut up, Gerald” comes the nearly harmonious family reply.

  “What? It’s true. The golden boy never fucks up.”

  “Queenie is not married. She’s divorced, and she would’ve been divorced six years ago if her ass of an ex hadn’t screwed her over. So it was a technicality that she was still married,” I explain through gritted teeth.

  “But who gets married at eighteen unless they accidentally got knocked up?” Jessica says and then cringes. “Sorry, Hanna. But you weren’t even old enough to get married, anyway, so it doesn’t count.”

  “No, I just had a baby as a teenager. Totally doesn’t count.” Hanna is all sarcasm, which Jessica misses.

  “We’re not debating who’s allowed to get married when,” I snap. “If there’s a family who should not be judgmental about people’s mistakes, it’s damn well this one!”

  “There’s no need to raise your voice, Ryan. And we’re not being judgmental: people make mistakes all the time. We know that, and I thought you’d finally realized that you made a mistake when you broke up with Jessica, so I took it upon myself to help set things right.” My mother smiles nervously, hands clasped in her lap.

  There’s a murmur of agreement from Gerald, and my dad grunts when my mom kicks him in the shin.

  Jessica puts her hand on my knee and squeezes. “I forgive you for that.”

  I rub the space between my eyes and grind my teeth. “No offense, Jessica, but I’m not asking for your forgiveness, because I didn’t make a mistake.”

  “Ryan! You two have nearly a decade together! You don’t throw that away because things get tough or something shiny and new catches your eye for a few minutes. You’re lucky Jessica has been so understanding about all of this.”

  I love my family, but they’re crazy. Apart from Hanna, anyway. I remind myself that I didn’t get where I am today by losing my temper every time I get angry. This whole situation is seriously pushing my buttons, though. “Queenie is not something shiny and new. We’ve been dating each other for months, and I love her.”

  “Ryan!” m
y mother exclaims, and she flails her hand out toward Jessica. “Consider someone’s feelings other than your own!”

  That gets a round of mumbling from my family. Although this time not everyone seems to be 100 percent in agreement. Hanna looks like she wishes she were anywhere but here. Which makes two of us.

  “Like you considered mine when you brought my ex-girlfriend as a surprise right in the middle of a particularly difficult time in my new relationship? Or maybe a better example would be when you kept the fact that my sister is actually my goddamn mother from me for thirty fucking years because it was better for you!” I shout.

  Since we’re in a limo, it’s more like a roar. Also, I’m angry. Possibly angrier than I’ve ever been in my entire life.

  And suddenly the vehicle is pin-drop silent. Everyone’s eyes are saucer wide.

  Gerald slaps his thigh. “I won the bet! Everyone owes me a case of beer! I told you King would lose it eventually and drop an f-bomb!”

  “Unless you would like to know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of my fist in your face, I suggest you shut up,” I growl.

  “Yeah, but then you’d have to pay for the dental work.” I launch myself at him, and it takes my dad and Hanna to pry me off. Hanna insists I calm down, because I’m going to hurt more than just Gerald if I can’t get a handle on myself. I realize she’s right, and that my mom and Jessica look terrified, so I sit back down.

  We arrive at my house a minute later, thankfully, and everyone piles out, putting space between them and me. I punch in the code aggressively and usher everyone inside.

  “Jessica and I need a minute alone, please,” I say through clenched teeth.

  “Whatever you have to say to me you can say in front of your family.” She tips her chin up, almost defiant, and like maybe she thinks if I have to say it in front of them, I’ll choose my words more carefully.

  I’ve always been considerate of everyone else’s feelings. Always treaded very carefully with my family and friends to avoid offending people or hurting their feelings, but this is really more than I can take after the week I’ve had.

  “Why do you want to be with me?” I ask Jessica.

  “What?”

  “It’s a straightforward question. What is it about me that makes you want to be with me?”

  “Oh, uh . . .” She bites her lip and chuckles nervously. “Well, obviously you’re very handsome.”

  After a few seconds of her staring at me, I ask, “Is that it?”

  “Of course not. You’re very put together and organized, which I appreciate, and you’re very stable most of the time . . . apart from tonight, anyway.”

  “So I’m nice looking, I’m organized, and I’m stable? Those are my best traits?” The whole stable thing is questionable right now. I feel anything but level.

  “You’re also kind,” she rushes on. “And you’re good at following the rules, although you do tend to drive slow, but that’s not a big deal, and you’re very generous.”

  I jam my hands in my pockets. “Is that it?”

  She looks around, maybe slightly panicked, and chuckles. “Um, I guess? I mean, you’re putting me on the spot here.”

  “What about in bed? How’s that for you?”

  “Ryan!” my mother scolds, and the rest of the family either coughs or snickers.

  Jessica’s eyes flare and her cheeks turn red. “Excuse me? I don’t think that’s an appropriate question in front of your family.”

  “You’re the one who invited them to this private conversation, and I think it’s a legitimate question.” I cross my arms. It might not be appropriate, but it’s sure as hell pertinent. Part of me also hopes she’ll either ask for privacy or my family will take it as a cue to leave.

  “You’re very attentive,” she whispers.

  “So would you say we’re compatible in that capacity?”

  “Um, yes, I guess.”

  “You guess?” I’m pushing for a reason.

  “You can be very . . . chatty. I don’t really see why this is relevant.” Her eyes bounce around the room, and her face looks like it’s about to burst into flames.

  “I knew it! King’s a dirty talker! I figured he couldn’t be buttoned up all the time.”

  “Shut up, Gerald,” everyone says in unison.

  “And how do you feel about hockey?” I figure she’s embarrassed enough, and I have the answer I need. Jessica is beautiful, nice, and friendly, but our relationship has always been flawed, and I see that so much more clearly now than I ever did before.

  “What?”

  “Hockey. How do you feel about it?” I ask gently.

  “It’s . . . fine.”

  “Fine?”

  “Well, it takes up a lot of your time, but you’re not going to play forever, and I’ve always had your family to keep me from getting too lonely, so I’ve been able to deal with it. At least I was able to deal with it until you broke up with me,” she replies.

  “I don’t want it to be something you deal with, Jessica. Hockey is my passion. I love it. I’m excellent at it, and it’s always going to be part of my life, even when I’m not playing professionally anymore. I don’t need someone to love the sport the same way I do, but I need a partner who is at least going to understand my passion and help me foster it, not wait for my career to be over so I can fill my time with something else.”

  “But we’ve invested all these years together.” She frowns. “And I’m already part of this family.” She glances around the room, her sudden panic obvious as she sends an imploring look to my mother.

  And there it is, the truth neither of us wanted to face, and clearly she’s still struggling with it. Jessica’s family is exactly like she is: poised, proper, a little cold, and emotionally unavailable. My family might be a bunch of lunatics, but they love fiercely. And I realize that this is the reason Jessica is here. That, and I think this is my mother’s way of trying to stay in control of her family in the face of so much change. Of course she’d try to keep pushing Jessica and me back together, even though we’re two mismatched puzzle pieces.

  This is a conversation Jessica and I should’ve had a long time ago. And it’s the primary reason we stayed together for as long as we did. I felt bad taking my family away from her when I knew she was so attached to them. And they were just as attached to her. I didn’t want to rock the boat. I wanted to make my family happy, so I stayed in that relationship for more years than I should have. And then I met Queenie, and she turned my entire world upside down.

  “It’s not really me you’re here for, though, is it?” I ask softly.

  “I-I—of course I am.”

  I shake my head. “But you’re not. It’s not me you want back: it’s my family. We hardly saw each other except for a month in the off-season. And even then, we spent that month with my family. Otherwise it was once every six weeks, if that. You only ever attended games when they were in Nashville. And you always came with my family.” I take one of her hands in mine. “Look, Jess, I care about you and I always will, but being in love with my family isn’t the same as being in love with me.”

  She exhales a long, slow breath. “I do love you, though.”

  “I know, and I love you, but it’s not the kind of love that’s going to help us build a life together.”

  She’s quiet for a few long moments before she squeezes my hand, bottom lip trembling with the threat of tears. “We’ve been a part of each other’s lives for so long, Ryan. I don’t even know who I am without your family.”

  “I’m not asking you to give them up.”

  She sighs. “But you have a new girlfriend. I feel like I don’t even know where I fit in anymore. I just . . . in my head I always believed eventually you’d be more focused on me than on hockey, and until then I could count on your family, but now that I’ve had time to reflect on it, I think it’s more that I’m afraid to be alone. But that’s not a reason for us to be together, is it?”

  I shake my head and give h
er a sad smile. “It’s really not. Neither of us would be happy in the long run. I’m sorry, Jess. I never wanted to hurt you.”

  “I know.” She pats my cheek. “You don’t have a mean bone in your body.” She looks around the now-empty room, a little embarrassed. Apparently my family finally got the memo and gave us the privacy Jessica didn’t think we needed at first. “I’m sorry it took me so long to finally see what you seemed to know all along.”

  “I think we both held on longer than we should have. It can be easy to become complacent when you’re comfortable with someone, which is what we were.” I don’t want to bruise Jessica’s ego any more than I already have. I’m just as responsible as she is for the way things have turned out between us.

  “I’m going to go upstairs and pack my things and see if I can book a flight back home.”

  “I can help with that if you need me to.”

  “I wouldn’t mind a few minutes alone, and you could probably use a little time to talk to your family.” She inclines her head toward the living room. “Thank you for your thoughtfulness; you’re an unfailing gentleman. And for what it’s worth, I want you to be happy, even if it’s not with me.”

  “I want the same for you.”

  She kisses me on the cheek and heads upstairs.

  Since it was an afternoon game, I’m able to get her on the last flight out tonight—first class, obviously. I give her a few minutes to collect herself and then take her luggage from my bedroom out to the car I called to take her to the airport. I would drive her myself, but I don’t want to make the situation more awkward than it already is.

  I feel bad about the whole thing, but it’s been a long time coming. And I’m glad she now realizes, just like I have, that our relationship didn’t have what we needed for it to last a lifetime.

  My family is sitting in the living room, murmuring among themselves. Gerald has found the scotch I never drink, and everyone else is holding a cocktail or wineglass. So nice of them to make themselves comfortable while I deal with the mess they’ve made for me.

  Gerald holds up a mason jar. “You have to put fifty bucks in here.”

  I should ignore him, but I don’t. “Why?”