What You Own

by A. M. Arthur

  I wouldn’t have her falling down drunk around our son.

  Had he really sent her away to protect me?

  “Jenny was sober when she came home,” Dad continued. He sounded sad, exhausted. “For about a month. She refused to go to rehab again, but she was more careful with her drinking. Obviously, if you never suspected a problem.”

  “Couldn’t you have committed her to treatment or something? Called someone to help her? Put her in the hospital? All the money you have, and you just let her die like that?”

  His face went stony. “She refused to leave the country again. At that point I couldn’t do anything to help her.”

  I stared, not believing him. He could have done so many things to help her get sober, to turn her life around. And then, like a bolt of lightning, it hit me with perfect clarity. I knew. He’d done the same thing to Ryan. The pattern was so horrifyingly clear now. “You didn’t make a fuss because you didn’t want a scandal. You didn’t want her problem in the papers, or being gossiped about. Right?”

  Dad didn’t reply, which was as good as a yes.

  “Your business and reputation always come first, don’t they?” I stood up, itching to get away from him before I said something I’d regret. Or actually put my hands on the man. For the first time in my life, I had a distinct urge to hit my father for all of the cruel things he’d done in the name of business. “Doesn’t matter who you hurt in the process, as long as LQF is safe from the fallout.”

  “That’s not fair,” Dad said. “I have put my entire life into that company, and I will do everything necessary in order to keep it successful. How will you run it one day if I allow it to fall into ruin?”

  Something weird and warm unfurled in my chest. This was the first time Dad had ever said anything about me taking his place at LQF, or insinuated that I would one day run it. Sure, I figured he’d leave me shares of the company in his will, but a co-CEO position?

  A position I’d never be given if I chose Ryan.

  “I’m doing this for you, son, and for the hundreds of people that I employ. I never wanted to hurt your mother. I loved her very much, and perhaps I made the wrong decision.” He sighed heavily. “I think I assumed I’d have more time to help her quit drinking. Her accident stole her from us far too soon.”

  A very preventable accident, I now knew. “How come I didn’t see it?”

  “She was very good at keeping it from you. She didn’t want you to see it, and neither did I.”

  “Maybe if I’d known, she’d have gotten sober for me.” The realization made my chest ache with what could have been.

  “Alcoholics must choose to get sober for themselves, son.”

  Ouch.

  “Was there anything else you needed to discuss?” he asked.

  Double ouch and dismissed. “No.”

  He stood stiffly and walked away, while I sat stunned and sad and wishing so badly that Ryan was there to hug me.

  Ryan

  Mayfield Park was crowded with families, most of them settled in with lawn chairs and coolers, waiting for the sun to set and the fireworks to start. You could see the fireworks from a good six-block radius from the field next to the high school where they set them off, so the park wasn’t the only place to hang out. It was the favored spot, though.

  I didn’t really expect Adam to show up but asking had been natural as breathing, and I caught myself scanning the crowd for him every once in a while.

  My cell rang right when the first firework launched. I grinned at the display. “Hey.”

  “Hey back,” Adam said. He sounded funny, kind of tight. Upset. Probably talked to his daddy about his momma. “Couldn’t get away, but I’m where he can’t hear me talking. I wanted to watch the fireworks with you somehow.”

  “This is good.”

  The fireworks display lasted about seven minutes, and we stayed on the whole time. I couldn’t see his face, but I heard his gasps and sharp breaths, tiny reactions to the beauty of those colorful bursts. I wanted to be watching them like my parents were—holding hands, gazing up, shoulders touching. I wanted that with Adam. I imagined him next to me, connected for real instead of over the phone.

  The power of the fireworks built inside of me, and three little words burbled up. I shoved them back down. When I said it, it wouldn’t be on the phone. I’d tell Adam to his face that I loved him. In a moment when it mattered.

  They ended too soon. “I can’t stay on,” Adam said, a little breathless.

  “You okay, hoss?”

  “I will be.” Nothing else but silence.

  I hated leaving it there, but maybe he’d wanna talk it out next time we got together. “Okay. Thanks for calling.”

  “Anytime. Thank you, again, for earlier.”

  “Happy to, you know that. Happy Fourth, Adam.”

  “Happy Fourth, Rye.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Adam

  Ten days until the benefit.

  I’d begun keeping a mental countdown after the Fourth reminded me how close we were to the actual benefit. The kids at the center were rehearsing in small groups every single Saturday. The performing adults fit in time whenever they could. The committee met every Wednesday to go over the auction donations, decorations, catering, and everything else that popped up during the week. We had our last committee meeting tonight, because instead of our usual Wednesday meeting next week, we had arranged for a tech rehearsal Thursday with all of the participating adults and kids. Friday we’d do a dress rehearsal and iron out the last of the kinks.

  Everything was coming together—me and Ryan included, over and over, as often as possible.

  The first time we saw each other after all the drama of the Fourth, I’d spent a lot of time being held by him. Comforted and petted, while he listened to me rage about my father’s lies and manipulations. About how he’d chosen his business over his wife’s best interests, and how at the end of the day, I still loved the bastard. I still craved his approval.

  The one thing I didn’t tell him was what Dad said about me taking over LQF. I didn’t know if it was something I wanted to do, even if offered, but I didn’t want it to color Ryan’s view of things. I didn’t want him to think I was giving up running a million-dollar company for him. After all, I couldn’t give up something that was never really mine to begin with, and LQF wasn’t mine.

  Ryan was mine. And I was his. That’s what I clung to as the days passed us by and the performance drew closer.

  The countdown also served to remind me that I had a decision to make. I knew I couldn’t live without Ryan, but confronting my father with the news that I was with Ryan… the idea terrified me into inaction. And procrastination. Time would catch up to me sooner or later, and I’d be forced to make a move, and part of me was okay with that.

  The rest of me knew I was being a big fucking coward.

  I breezed through the day, my skin buzzing with the anticipation of seeing Ryan again tonight. Ellie had to work after the benefit meeting. Ryan did too, but not until midnight, which gave us a few hours to continue our efforts of making up for a lot of lost time—and a lot of missed orgasms. I filed and ran errands all over the building for Lacey, who was stressed out helping my dad’s new temp. I asked her about Jesse, who’d had the position for weeks, but she didn’t know.

  At quarter to one, Lacey flagged me down at her desk. “Joe wants to see you before you leave,” she said.

  She didn’t sound worried or upset, so I didn’t think anything of the summons. Not even after Joe told me to close the door and take a seat. I did, wondering silently if this was to do with the benefit. He was typing and didn’t look up for several minutes that I spent trying to not tap my foot.

  “Hello, Adam, how are things?” he asked.

  “Things are great,” I replied. “Hey, do you know what happened to Jesse? He was here for so long I figured Dad had just gone ahead and hired him full-time.”

  Joe’s mouth pressed into a flat line—not good. “I t
hink Raymond was going in that direction. He changed his mind a few days ago and told the agency Jesse was no longer effective.”

  “What?” Something deep inside me knew the answer, but I asked anyway. “Why?”

  “Officially, he was no longer performing to the expectations of this office.” Joe steepled his fingertips and leaned forward on his elbows. “Unofficially, he found out Jesse is a homosexual.”

  My heart nearly leapt from my chest. “He what?”

  Joe studied me, and I felt certain he saw a giant, neon sign over my head that said Queer. “You know how your father feels about homosexuality. He can’t say it in so many words for fear of a lawsuit, but you and I know that’s the reason. Jesse was a competent office assistant.”

  “And Jesse isn’t suing?”

  “All Jesse knows is that his job as a temporary office assistant with Langley-Quartermaine has come to an end.”

  “But he was good.” Dad fired a really good assistant for being gay. My tenuous dream of somehow holding onto both my father and my boyfriend shattered completely in that moment.

  “Yes, he was.” Joe was silent a half-minute longer. “Adam, are you taking up with that Ryan Sanders again?”

  My vision blurred briefly, and I blinked him back into focus even as my stomach curled into knots. Joe didn’t look disgusted or angry—curious, definitely, and maybe a little concerned. I was too thrown by the question to mock his old-fashioned use of “taking up with.” All I could really do was tell the truth, because Joe was a good guy who deserved it. “We’re seeing each other regularly, yes.”

  Joe pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. With his eyes closed, he asked, “How long?”

  “Almost since I got on board with the fundraiser.” Needing to somehow defend Ryan in Joe’s eyes, I added, “He didn’t know about the memory loss.”

  Joe blinked at me. “He didn’t?”

  “No. I couldn’t tell him because Dad made that impossible. And no one told me details about the bashing, so I didn’t know anything about what Ryan did that night. I had no idea that he forgave me for turning my back on him after he came out. That we were friends again for a little while.” I didn’t tell him about the kiss. That was private.

  “So you’ve become friends again?”

  How did Joe manage to make such a simple, innocuous word sound so dirty? My cheeks burned, so I probably wasn’t very convincing with my, “Yes, we’re friends again. We always should have been.”

  “You know how your father feels about Ryan Sanders.”

  “He never had a problem with Ryan until he learned Ryan was gay. Then he forbade me from seeing Ryan, and after the bashing he made sure we had no contact.”

  “Your father was scared.”

  “Scared of what? Finding out I was gay too?”

  As soon as the words slipped out, I wanted to gather them all back up again. But it was too late. Joe studied me silently for a long time while I squirmed, sure I was about to vomit at any moment.

  “I think that was part of it,” Joe said. “But the larger issue is that he’s scared of losing you.”

  “To Ryan?”

  “To the violence that often grows from bigotry. Raymond may dislike the gay lifestyle, but he has never raised his hand to another person in anger. He’s never condoned violence.”

  “Sometimes words hurt as much as fists.”

  “You’re right, son. They do. And perhaps him demanding you stop being friends with Ryan was a direct response to his dislike of homosexuals. However, his extreme reaction following the bashing was a direct response to his fear of losing you. A few hours in the company of Ryan Sanders and you were in a coma with a skull fracture.” Joe’s face scrunched up at the memory, sadness leaking into his eyes. “In our thirty years of friendship, I’ve never seen Raymond so distraught as he was those first few days in the hospital. Lucinda and I barely kept him together.”

  My chest ached in a funny way I couldn’t explain. “Joe, did you know about my mom?”

  “Know what about her?”

  “That she was an alcoholic?”

  Joe flinched, and I had my answer. “I was one of a select few who did know. Raymond told me he’d tried to keep it from you.”

  “I found out.”

  “And you blame your father for it?”

  “I blame him for her death. If he’d cared more about her than about his reputation, maybe she’d have gotten the help she needed.”

  “He loved Jenny, Adam, very much. I think sometimes he loved her more than she ever loved him. Your mother was a beautiful, talented woman with one very big flaw that she kept well hidden from most people. Anxiety. Perhaps she could have been famous on Broadway, but she was scared of that sort of success. So she fell in love with your father and used you as an excuse to quit.”

  I gaped at Joe, shocked by his perspective of my mother and her choices. Anxiety? “She loved performing.” Weak, but I had to defend her.

  Joe nodded sadly. “Yes, she did. But she was also terrified of it. The fear overwhelmed her, probably as much as her sense of failure, and she fell into a wine bottle. I know you loved your mother, but she was far from perfect. She gave up her dream of her own free will, son. No one took it from her.”

  I didn’t know what to believe anymore, but that didn’t change one simple truth. “My father still should have done more to save her.”

  “Perhaps he should have. But do you see why he made the choices he did three years ago? Yes, he protected LQF, but he protected you too. Raymond wants you to have a safe, successful, happy life. It’s all he’s ever wanted for you.”

  “Ryan makes me happy.” I still couldn’t believe I was sitting there having this conversation with my father’s oldest friend and business partner. Ice skated down my spine. “Are you going to tell him?”

  Joe’s bushy eyebrows jumped. “Tell your father that you’re taking up with Ryan again? No. That isn’t my information to share. Raymond hasn’t paid much direct attention to the fundraiser at the Paige Center, because it’s going through my office. However, once he realizes that Ryan Sanders is a part of it, he’ll ask you. You know he will.”

  “Yeah.” Part of me was surprised he hadn’t found out yet.

  “You also know Raymond won’t stand for you being with Ryan.”

  Something bitter splashed into the back of my throat. “You mean he won’t stand for me being with a man instead of a woman.”

  Joe nodded, and I swore I spotted a flash of sympathy.

  “I had a plan, you know?” I said. “Finish college, get a job, move out, and then tell him. Tell Dad I’m gay, and that shoving Ryan out of my life didn’t change that. Tell him I’m going to find Ryan and apologize and talk to him about what happened, because I believe he’s worth it.”

  “And then life flipped your plan on its ass.”

  “Life shot my plan all to hell and back. I can’t give up Ryan without driving him away for good. I can’t come out now without losing all of my financial support, my home, my college tuition. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this, Joe.”

  “Things rarely turn out as we plan them, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.”

  “No kidding.”

  Joe stood and came to my side of the desk. “You have my word that this stays between us.”

  “Thank you. Really, thank you.”

  He shook my hand in a warm, tight grip. “Just promise you’ll tread carefully. If it all comes out the wrong way, your father could make this very difficult for Ryan’s family.”

  You mean if I come out the wrong way, and is there really a right way to do this?

  The phone buzzed, followed by Lacey’s voice. “Mr. Q, your one fifteen is here.”

  Had we really been talking for that long? Joe let go of my hand, and I excused myself from his office. My mind was racing for the entire drive home. Racing with bits of our conversation and with all of the warnings Joe had heaped into a very simple reminder. My f
ather owned half the restaurant Mr. Sanders managed. He played tennis with the owner of the hotel where Mrs. Sanders was a public relations coordinator. Dad could hurt them both so easily, and he’d do it if he could use it against me.

  Dad couldn’t know Ryan and I were together. But Joe had already figured it out. How long did I have before Dad put it all together too?

  Ryan

  Because I had to work at seven to fill in for a callout, everyone was cool about having the committee meeting early, at five o’clock instead of seven thirty, and at Shorty’s Diner, which was only two blocks from the center. Still central to everyone, plus I got to eat a stack of their blueberry pancakes for dinner. Ellie and Susan did most of the talking, like usual, while Adam and Larry and I mostly nodded along and answered when talked at.

  Adam was real quiet, more than normal for him. He looked funny too, like he’d swallowed sour milk and wasn’t sure if it was gonna revisit or not. He picked at the BLT he’d ordered and ate a few potato chips. I didn’t say anything to him, because he hated me fussing over him in public. I figured I’d save up and fuss on him plenty later when people can know he’s mine.

  Luckily, I’m not the only one who noticed.

  “Adam, you all right, honey?” Susan asked during a pause in fundraiser chatter.

  The question got all eyes on Adam, and he squirmed. “I’ve felt off all afternoon. I’m probably just overtired. It’ll pass.”

  Sounded reasonable enough to me.

  “Internship running you ragged?” Larry asked.

  “It’s definitely a challenge.”

  “Yeah, filing all day is what’s wearing your ass out,” Ellie said with a meanness in her voice that surprised me.

  Then it pissed me off. And I couldn’t say anything, because Susan and Larry didn’t know Adam was with me. Adam glared at Ellie, enough poison in his eyes to kill a charging bull. Maybe Adam was running himself into the ground, between the internship, the fundraiser, and me. Was I being selfish, always inviting him over when I wasn’t working? I wanted him back every minute we weren’t together, because I didn’t know if the other shoe was gonna drop and rip him back out of my life. I wanted to drown in him, but maybe I was just drowning him.