An Ocean Between Us

by Rachel Quinn

  ‘That,’ she replied, ‘I can get used to any day of the week.’ She rested her chin on the heel of her palm. ‘Now,’ she said. ‘Which cinema? Regal or Savoy?’

  ‘What films are they showing?’

  ‘I have absolutely no idea. You pick one.’

  It took a moment or two, but Niall’s face eventually cracked into laughter again. Then he suddenly stopped. ‘Oh, Aileen, I don’t know what I’d do without you.’

  It was what she wanted to hear, but in a tone that hinted of desperation, which she definitely didn’t want to hear.

  They went to the Savoy, which was showing Now, Voyager starring Bette Davis and Paul Henreid. They settled together in the back row where the darkness and warmth helped her focus on the film, and, she hoped, made Niall forget whatever his troubles were, if only for a couple of hours.

  It also gave the heavens time to empty themselves of rainwater, and by the time the film finished there was only a spit in the wind.

  ‘I take it you enjoyed that?’ Niall said to her once they’d left the cinema and were heading for the riverside, arm in arm.

  ‘Ah, I’m after falling in love with that Bette Davis.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘The actress who played Charlotte Vale.’ She put on a fake American accent and angled her face up to the sky. ‘Oh, Jerry, let’s not ask for the moon when we have the stars.’

  ‘Ah now, I thought you had a little tear in your eye at the end.’

  ‘Twas just caused by the cigarette smoke.’

  He laughed. ‘Ah, right. So that’s what it was. Anyway, I can’t say that bit made much sense to me.’

  ‘You mean, the bit about the moon and the stars? Twas the whole point of the film.’

  ‘Let me put it this way. If you were to say that to me I’d tell you to have the moon, the stars, the sun and everything else up there. You should reach for whatever it is you really want. You deserve it.’

  ‘That’s very kind of you, sir.’

  ‘And that’s a grand American accent you were putting on there, by the way. I suppose that’ll be listening to all them American GI fellas you met up in Belfast.’

  ‘What? Ah, no, no. I was just . . . just copying what I heard in the cinema.’

  Niall frowned as he smiled. ‘It’s grand, Aileen. You must have met some while you were up there. I don’t mind. Honestly.’

  ‘Listen,’ Aileen said. ‘You haven’t shown me where you’re staying.’

  The words drew every vestige of humour from his face.

  ‘We haven’t the time,’ he snapped.

  ‘Why? What time is it?’

  Niall started twisting his head this way and that, until he hit up on a clock above a jewellery shop.

  She looked too, and said, ‘Sure, we’ve plenty of time. It’s not too far, is it?’

  ‘Ah, well, no, tis. And you wouldn’t want to be missing your train.’

  ‘Grand,’ she said, and cursed herself for putting a dampener on the evening. His place was probably in a mess and he was embarrassed about it. That would be it.

  After a gentle stroll along the banks of the Liffey they reached Tara Street Station, where the ever-reliable Briana was already waiting. There was a little polite conversation concerning what they’d done that night, what the film had been like, how Cathleen was, and how terrible that downpour earlier in the evening had been, before the train arrived and Briana suggested getting on it as early as possible to get a good seat. Neither Aileen nor Niall argued with that, although there was the usual long goodbye before Niall stood on the platform, waving them off.

  ‘So you had a good night?’ Briana said as soon as the station was out of sight.

  Aileen nodded. ‘The film, that Bette Davis one, twas really grand. She and that Paul Henreid, they would have made such a lovely couple. But it wasn’t to be.’

  ‘Did . . . ah . . . did Niall pay?’

  ‘Ah, Briana!’ Aileen’s voice was pitched a little higher than normal. ‘Sure, that’s a terrible thing to ask. What does it matter?’

  ‘So, he didn’t.’

  Aileen stared at her sister for a few moments, then huffed out a long breath and made a point of looking away.

  ‘I’m only asking for your own benefit, Aileen.’

  Still Aileen didn’t look at her sister. ‘He hasn’t the money just at the moment. He’ll be paying next time, so he will. He has problems, but I’m sure he’ll find a proper job soon.’

  ‘You know what the real problem is, don’t you, Aileen? Daddy’s mentioned it enough times. Niall’s down as a . . .’

  Aileen fixed her with a piercing stare. ‘As a what?’

  Briana edged closer and lowered her voice. ‘You know what I mean. He won’t get a government job – not at the hospital or the council or in transport, and a lot of the non-government firms are following suit too.’

  Aileen’s gaze roved over her sister’s face, hanging on the blemishes – the big spot on her forehead, the ever-so-slightly lumpy nose, the chip out of one of her front teeth.

  ‘So, have you thought how he’ll support the two of you?’ Briana continued. ‘I mean, if you . . . you know . . . if you marry him?’

  Aileen narrowed her eyes at her sister. ‘Briana Sweeney, whose side are you on?’

  ‘I’m on yours, Aileen, yours.’

  ‘And it’s not if we get married, it’s when.’

  ‘But I’m just being sensible.’

  ‘Well, just don’t. All right?’

  Briana didn’t reply, but folded her arms and looked out of the windows on the other side of the train. Aileen was already staring out of the windows on her side. The two sisters didn’t speak until they both got home later that night, and even then, there was a perfunctory nature to their conversation.

  As usual, their mother made them a hot milk each, but Briana finished hers first and immediately got up and went to bed, saying only a soulless goodnight to the others.

  ‘Is everything all right?’ Aileen’s mother said to her. Aileen nodded, still gazing at the glittering edges of peat. ‘So, how was Cathleen?’

  ‘She was grand,’ Aileen said.

  ‘Has that nasty cold of hers cleared up?’

  ‘Ah . . . I think so. She . . . ah . . . she still has a sniffle.’

  Aileen’s mother didn’t say anything else, but Aileen was conscious of her hovering only a few yards away. She turned her head to the side and looked up. There was a look on her mother’s face that Aileen knew well. It was the same look she’d had when she found out Aileen had accidentally broken a plate some years before, or that day when Fergus had turned up with a black eye and dried blood under his nostrils and swore he hadn’t been fighting.

  Aileen quickly finished her milk and went to bed.

  ‘Briana?’ she whispered.

  ‘What?’ the reply came, slightly terse but not quite as bad as Aileen had feared.

  ‘How’s Cathleen’s cold?’

  There was a thoughtful pause. ‘What are you talking about?’ Briana said. ‘What cold?’

  ‘It’s just . . . Mammy was asking how her cold was, while I was out there just now, after you’d come to bed. I think she was trying to catch me out . . . and . . . and I’m sorry, Briana. I’m sorry I was a bit off with you on the train.’

  In the darkness Aileen felt Briana grab her hand and squeeze it. ‘I’m sorry too, Aileen. I only want you to be happy. You know that, don’t you?’

  ‘Niall makes me happy.’

  ‘I’m just being careful for you, that’s all.’

  ‘You’re a good sister, Briana.’

  ‘Will the two of yez shut up!’ Fergus hissed from the other side of the room.

  Aileen heard her sister giggle, then she whispered, ‘Will you come with me next Saturday too?’

  ‘Of course I will,’ Briana replied, before Fergus told them to shut up again.

  For Aileen, the next week went by as if someone were adding a few hours to each day, but the days did eventually pa
ss. On the Friday evening, while the two girls were helping their mother cook the evening meal, Briana mentioned something about going to Dublin the next day to visit Cathleen again. It was a casually mentioned hope for the weather to stay fine.

  ‘Again?’ Mammy asked.

  ‘I thought we would,’ Briana replied.

  ‘We?’ Her mother frowned.

  ‘Me and Aileen.’

  ‘Ah. Right. So.’ She thought for a few seconds then started poking the pork belly fat around the frying pan.

  Aileen and Briana glanced at each other, and Aileen said, ‘I’d better start laying the table.’

  But she heard those dreaded words: ‘You hold on here, young lady.’

  ‘What?’ Aileen said, her eyes hopping between Briana and her mother. ‘What is it?’

  Her mother flung the rag she was holding across her shoulder and put her hands on her hips. ‘I’m only wanting to know if our Cathleen’s well. It won’t be needing the two of yez to find that out.’

  ‘But we both like seeing her,’ Aileen said, a little too quickly, she immediately realized.

  Their mother peered at them with that suspicious look again.

  ‘And Cathleen likes seeing the both of us,’ Briana said.

  ‘We’re all sisters after all,’ Aileen said. ‘Sure, it’s not fair to let one of us go and not the other.’

  ‘And it’s safer for us both to go together.’

  Their mother slowly nodded. ‘All right. Just this last time. And if I hear of anything . . .’

  ‘What?’ Aileen said as the words trailed off. ‘If you hear what?’

  Their mother pulled the rag from her shoulder, held the pan handle with it and started poking the pork belly fat again. Aileen and Briana, both slightly wild-eyed, said nothing.

  The next day they both took the train to Tara Street Station again. As before, Niall met them off the train, a few words were exchanged between him and Briana, and then Briana left to see Cathleen, leaving Niall and Aileen to enjoy their time together.

  As soon as they were alone, Aileen sensed that Niall was in some sort of a mood. He wasn’t angry or rude or outwardly upset, just quiet and reflective. And that suit still looked as though it didn’t fit. They walked arm in arm to the Liffey, and few words were spoken by either of them.

  ‘So, have you missed me?’ Aileen said as they reached the south side of the Liffey and started walking along the bank.

  ‘I have.’

  He said it. He said the words clearly, and he spoke as though he really meant it, but was there just a little hesitation? No, of course not, it was just the way he spoke. He was obviously rushed.

  ‘So, are we going to the cinema again?’ she said.

  He looked up, then behind them. ‘It’s a lovely evening,’ he said.

  That much was true. It wasn’t so bad for October, but Aileen was nevertheless feeling a little chilly around her legs. ‘We can’t just walk along the riverside all evening,’ she said.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Ah, c’mon, Niall. Let’s enjoy ourselves, do something. I don’t mind paying again if that’s the problem.’

  He stopped walking. ‘I can’t let you do that, Aileen.’

  ‘But I want to. Please, Niall. Don’t you want to see a film?’

  ‘It’s not that, Aileen. It doesn’t feel right, you paying all the time.’

  ‘You’re sounding like my daddy now. Sure, what’s wrong with me paying?’

  He shook his head. He was trying to smile, but Aileen only saw sadness. ‘Nothing, Aileen. Absolutely nothing. But not every time. I can’t scrounge off you forever.’

  ‘I thought things were getting better? What with your nice suit, and you buying me tea and cake last week?’

  There was a hint of anger in the way he flapped the lapel of the jacket in question. ‘It’s not mine, Aileen.’

  ‘Not yours? What in heaven’s name d’you mean? Didn’t the British Army give it to you?’

  ‘I sold that one to pay my rent and buy some shoeshine supplies – well, that and to treat you to tea and cake. This is only a borrowed one.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m sorry, Aileen. I have to be honest. I can barely afford food and a roof over my head. I have no spare money. Absolutely none. I go hungry most evenings.’

  Aileen glanced down, realizing that would explain why the suit didn’t fit him, but holding her tongue on the matter. ‘So how about this?’ she said. ‘I’ll pay for us just this once. And I won’t ask you again.’

  ‘But you will, Aileen.’

  ‘Oh, all right. Of course I will.’

  He smiled warmly at her, his eyes glistening in the throw of the streetlights. ‘You can fool yourself, Aileen, but not me.’

  ‘I . . . I don’t understand.’

  He pointed to a bench overlooking the river. They went over and sat, Aileen’s head on his chest, his arm around her shoulders.

  ‘What do you really want to do?’ she said.

  ‘In my perfect world?’ he asked.

  She looked up, gave him a peck on the cheek. ‘Yes. In your perfect world. Anything you want.’

  ‘I’d like to stay here,’ he said. ‘Just like this. You and me.’

  ‘You mean, all evening?’

  ‘I mean,’ he replied, ‘until the Liffey runs dry.’

  ‘Sure, you’re a charming one, aren’t ye?’ She grinned a self-satisfied grin and lifted her hand up to admire her engagement ring. She felt cosy, and wondered how long the Liffey would take to run dry.

  ‘But this isn’t a perfect world, Aileen. And . . . and that’s why this is all so hard.’

  The last few words wiped the happiness from her face. She sat up and stared at him, inches from his face.

  ‘I’m sorry, Aileen.’

  ‘Sorry? Sorry about what? Don’t be sorry, Niall. Please don’t be sorry.’

  ‘I don’t mean to be so gloomy, Aileen, but there’s something I have to say.’

  ‘No. Don’t speak, Niall. Please.’

  ‘I can’t do this, Aileen. It’s not fair.’

  ‘What’s not fair?’

  He gestured for her to settle on his chest again. She did and he held her close.

  ‘I feel like I’m stringing you along. Tapping you for money. Taking advantage of your pity for me.’

  ‘Niall, I can assure you there’s no pity. I look up to you, not down.’

  ‘That might be true now, but what about later? I mean, if we’re to be married I need to be able to provide for you. I can’t do that at the moment and . . . and I can’t see a time when I will be able to. God, you have no idea how sorry I am, Aileen.’

  Aileen felt wetness on her cheeks – the wetness of her world crumbling. She tried to control the shaking of her shoulders, to be brave, to grab and hold back her sorrow. It must have worked a little as there wasn’t the full flood. Or perhaps it was his comforting arms – the very arms that would seem to be rejecting her. After a few minutes of silence she stopped and looked up at him.

  ‘So, are you’ – she took a gulp – ‘are you breaking off our engagement?’

  He gave her hair a slow and gentle caress. She felt a kiss, soft and held forever, press against her head. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m stuck, so I am. I want to marry you, Aileen Sweeney. I wanted that from the first time we met on the beach at Leetown.’ Another kiss, then a hand behind her head, under her hair, caressing the back of her neck. She closed her eyes and felt her heart float. ‘The thing is,’ he said, ‘sometimes you just can’t have what you really want, and . . . and when I think . . .’ His voice wavered, faltered, then stopped altogether.

  ‘Things change, Niall. The world’s changing. People are doing things they’ve never done before. Women are going out to work, having their own money, supporting themselves.’

  ‘Not in Ireland,’ Niall replied. ‘And definitely not once they get married.’

  They held each other and spent a few minutes watching the water find it
s own way downstream, occasionally meandering, breaking to whiten the dark green here and there, sometimes rushing headlong, ultimately always going one way.

  Aileen pulled herself away from him, then held his head in her hands and kissed him squarely on the lips. ‘Niall O’Rourke, let me take you to the cinema one last time.’

  ‘Ah, Aileen, I—’

  ‘Just say yes.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘Don’t ye dare say no, ye big eejit. Say yes or of course or grand or anything else, just don’t say the no word.’

  His face seemed to collapse in, threatening a laugh. ‘Ah, hell, Aileen. You don’t give up, do you?’

  She kissed him again. ‘I’m waiting for an answer.’

  He pulled away, smiling, and looking around them. ‘All right, I give in. I’ll go as long as you don’t get us both arrested with the kissing.’

  She patted his chest as if she was playing a drum. ‘Yes!’

  ‘It’s a deal as long as you understand I’ll be owing you.’

  ‘Grand.’

  ‘And you choose the film.’

  She smirked. ‘Don’t I always?’

  Chapter 24

  Niall and Aileen walked out of the cinema, carried in the rush of bodies as if they were coming down the Liffey itself.

  ‘A Tree Grows in Brooklyn,’ Aileen said. ‘Sure, that was a strange one. I didn’t get the title at first.’

  She threw Niall an expectant look, but he merely glanced back at her. She held on to his arm more tightly.

  ‘Twas good though. Makes you glad you’re still in Ireland and not struggling like those Nolans.’ She paused, but still he said nothing. ‘What did you think, Niall? Did you enjoy it?’

  She felt her arm move as he shrugged his shoulders. ‘Ah, twas . . .’ His words trailed to a sigh.

  ‘You didn’t like it.’

  ‘I didn’t say that.’

  ‘I can tell.’

  ‘You can’t.’

  She leaned over and looked closely at his awkward smile. ‘It’s written all over your face.’

  ‘Tis only a smile, Aileen.’

  ‘Is that what it is?’

  He showed her a wide grin. ‘Is that better?’

  ‘Sure, it’s as if we’re already married.’ She jumped out in front of him and prodded a finger to her chest. ‘Ah, there’ll be no fooling this one about where you’ve been of a night.’