An Ocean Between Us

by Rachel Quinn

  ‘But . . . ah, no, I couldn’t afford it.’

  ‘You don’t need to. I bought two tickets.’ He thrust a hand into his pocket and pulled out a folded-up piece of paper. ‘This is yours,’ he said.

  ‘I don’t want it. I don’t want either of us to go.’

  But she knew. This time Aileen knew it wasn’t about what she wanted, but what Niall needed.

  ‘Aileen, listen to me. I don’t know whether I can live without you, but I know for certain I won’t be able to make you happy here. So I want you to come with me. I don’t know what’s there on the other side of the Atlantic. I’ve been reading up on it, but books don’t tell the whole story. All I know is that I believe in you. You can be happy there. We can be happy.’ He put the ticket in her handbag. ‘I’ll understand if you can’t, and believe me when I say I feel wretched for asking because it might mean I never see you again. I’d rather die than leave you, but I know I’ll die little by little anyway if I stay here. Aileen, look at me.’

  She did, and he took out his handkerchief to dry her eyes.

  ‘If I stay here we’ll get sick of each other – perhaps not for a while, but we will. I’ll drag you down, and we’ll both be unhappy. I’d prefer you to find someone else than have that. Please, Aileen, meet me on the foredeck when the ship sails at noon on Friday or we’ll never meet again. I want nothing more than to see you there, but I’ll understand if you decide not to, and I promise I’ll never hold anything against you as long as I live.’

  He stood up and held a hand out. ‘C’mon, I’ll take you back to the station.’

  ‘I want to stay with you, Niall.’

  ‘What you want now isn’t important, only what you do next Friday morning.’

  ‘We’ve been through this, Niall. I’ve told you. I can’t leave Ireland.’

  ‘Just tell me you’ll think about it.’

  ‘But can’t we have one last day together?’

  He shook his head. ‘We’d just be torturing ourselves. I’ll see you next Friday or not at all.’ At that, Aileen could see tears dribbling down his face, his eyes blinking again and again.

  She stood up and faced him, reached up and held his head in her hands. ‘You’re a mighty fine man, Niall, and a brave one. By Christ, you deserve better than this. I’m so sorry.’

  ‘Your words mean a lot to me, Aileen. But c’mon, let’s go.’

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘You stay.’ She reached up on tiptoe and kissed him on the cheek. ‘Goodbye,’ she said, ‘I’ll find my own way home, one way or another.’

  Niall gave her a last smile, his face twitching, his cheeks glistening. ‘Be strong, Aileen,’ he said.

  She took a few steps back, not taking her eyes off his face, then turned and walked away.

  Chapter 27

  Aileen appeared at the coffee shop doorway, and Briana immediately put her cup down. Aileen said nothing, but stayed at the door, just staring at her sister. Briana understood. She got to her feet, picked up her handbag and left.

  ‘Well?’ she said.

  Aileen just shook her head, not slowing her pace.

  ‘Are we going home now?’

  One nod.

  ‘Ah, Aileen. I’m sorry. Really, I am.’

  Briana didn’t ask for any more details, Aileen didn’t offer any, and both of them spent the train journey watching the countryside speed by. It was only as they approached Leetown that Briana spoke again.

  ‘I wonder what Mammy and Daddy are going to say to us when we get back,’ she said.

  ‘I don’t care,’ Aileen replied, drawling the words out.

  Briana leaned across and lowered her voice. ‘Aren’t you going to tell me what happened?’

  Aileen didn’t look at her sister. ‘They’ve got what they wanted,’ she said. ‘He’s going to America.’

  Briana stared, her mouth agape in shock.

  At Leetown, Aileen pretty much marched all the way home, chin up, eyes straight ahead, leaving Briana struggling to keep up.

  When they reached Sweeney Cottage, Briana hesitated. Aileen didn’t; she walked straight in, unwavering and defiant. The whole family were there. It looked as though they’d just eaten, with Mammy washing up, the brothers playing cards, and Daddy cleaning his boots by the fire.

  They all stopped what they were doing when Aileen and Briana appeared. All eyes turned to Daddy, who laid down his boots and brush and got to his feet. He held his head up and jerked his shoulders back, but that hint of his customary bluster dissolved as he watched Aileen walk straight past as though she were the only person in the room. Maybe it was the redness around her eyes, maybe her vacant stare, but he was unable to utter one word before she entered the bedroom.

  He did, however, lay a firm hand on Briana’s arm and say, ‘Where have you both been?’

  She shook her arm free. ‘You’ve got what you wanted,’ she said. ‘Niall’s going to America.’ She followed Aileen into the bedroom, shutting the door firmly behind her.

  As the two sisters sat next to each other on the edge of the bed they heard voices from the living room – not raised, not angry, merely puzzled.

  ‘I think Daddy’s got the message,’ Briana said.

  ‘I hope he’s pleased with himself.’

  They listened again, and talk from the living room soon fizzled out.

  Briana broke the silence. ‘Do you . . . ah . . . do you want something to eat?’

  ‘I want to die.’

  Briana put an arm around her sister’s shoulders and gave her a gentle squeeze. She spoke softly. ‘You know, Aileen, I’m sure it feels like the end of the world, but it won’t be. And you never know, you might see him again. It’s a long way, but he might come back, or you might even go over there.’

  Aileen opened her handbag and plucked out the ticket Niall had given her, then screwed it up and threw it to the corner of the room.

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘My ticket to go with him.’

  ‘You’re kidding me.’ She caught a scolding look from Aileen. ‘I’m sorry, but . . .’ She eyed the door and lowered her voice to a whisper. ‘Why the heck are you staying here?’

  Aileen took a deep breath, but didn’t reply.

  ‘Aileen? Answer me. Why aren’t you going with him?’

  ‘I’ve told you why, Briana.’

  ‘But . . . he’s bought you a ticket.’

  ‘I wish I could go, but I can’t. I’m just too scared. I won’t be seeing him again. It’s like you say, I have to accept it’s not the end of the world, and . . . and . . .’

  Aileen covered her face with both hands and started whimpering. She fell back on to the bed and curled up like a newborn baby. Briana pulled a blanket up to cover her, resting a hand on her shoulder, and Aileen cried until the only thing that could give her relief – sleep – floated into her mind.

  For Aileen, there was a dreamlike quality to the next few days, as if she was on a boat cast adrift. She even had the nausea to go with it. Briana asked no more questions, and Aileen spoke no more about Niall and the trip he would be making to America without her. Nobody else dared speak to her due to the grief etched on her face.

  She attended Mass on Sunday with the rest of the village, although her head and her heart were still elsewhere, and everyone knew it.

  On Monday too, everyone was quiet, gentle and helpful with Aileen. There were no meaningful conversations at mealtimes, only polite mentions of how the clouds had unexpectedly held off that day, or how the chickens were laying well recently, or how Father Kinross’s latest sermon seemed to have lasted longer than a bad winter.

  Throughout Tuesday morning Aileen heard whispers behind her back – always involving her mother – and it came as no surprise when, after the midday meal, the rest of the family made their excuses and left the house, leaving the two of them alone.

  ‘Do you want me to help you wash up?’ Aileen said, loitering.

  Her mother tilted her head just slightly to one side. ‘Ah, no. It c
an wait.’ She glanced to the door. ‘There is something you could do for me though.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Sit down.’ She flicked a hand toward the table.

  Aileen walked over and heard the door behind her being bolted.

  They sat together, face to face, her mother holding her hands across her expansive belly.

  ‘You’ve been awful quiet these last few days, Aileen. I’m worried for you.’

  ‘I’m grand.’

  She nodded. ‘Well, that’s good. But you only seem to be saying it. I can understand you’re missing your fella, but—’

  ‘I don’t have a fella.’

  ‘Right. I see.’ A sigh of exasperation made her readjust her hands. ‘You’re doing the right thing putting it all behind you, Aileen. You’ll find yourself a husband in time, all right. It’s part of growing up, no more than that.’

  ‘Oh, really?’ Aileen was aware her nostrils were flaring, her eyes almost popping. It didn’t matter. ‘I suppose you’ll be telling me the same thing happened to you when you were my age?’

  Her mother paused, considering her reply. ‘No. No, it didn’t. I met your daddy when I was seventeen, married him at eighteen, and when I was nineteen your sister Alannah came along. Twas all very simple.’

  ‘So, you’ve never known what it’s like to love a man and lose him?’

  ‘I know Briana went through the same thing a few years since. She wanted to go courting with a couple of fellas your daddy didn’t approve of, and she had to give them up, but look at her now.’ She pointed a hand to the door. ‘She’s managed to get over it all right. And so will you.’

  ‘Perhaps I’m not my sister, Mammy.’

  ‘There is that. And I know things are a little different now, but—’

  ‘It’s all right, Mammy. You’ve no need to baby me.’

  A pensive frown drew itself on her mother’s forehead – something Aileen had rarely seen. ‘Sure, I’m not babying you, Aileen – quite the opposite. I’m trying to get you ready for being a woman. It’s the way things are.’ She leaned forward and held Aileen’s hand. ‘It’s the way things are.’

  Aileen’s gaze dropped down. If she hadn’t felt beaten before, she did now.

  ‘So,’ her mother continued, ‘what are you going to do now?’

  Aileen took a moment to think. The question was so simple, so obvious, but she hadn’t given the matter any thought. She knew what she wasn’t going to do, but no more than that.

  ‘I suppose . . . well . . . my Belfast money will soon be running out. I suppose I need to find myself a job.’ She tried to force a smile but it wouldn’t come. ‘Either a job or a husband,’ she added.

  Her mother patted her knee. ‘Good girl. It’ll make you feel better. I know it will.’ She stood up, let out a satisfied sigh, and walked away.

  Aileen pursed her lips in thought and warmed her hands over the fire. Yes, perhaps it was time to grow up – to get a job and grow up. No more silly notions of love that didn’t please Mammy and Daddy and wouldn’t last.

  Aileen’s mind was a swirl of confusion for the rest of that day, and the night was little better. She was the first one up on Wednesday morning. She was going to look for a job – first starting with Cready’s, then the village pub, then the church. If those drew blanks and the local farmers didn’t need regular help, she would consider working down the road in Bevanstown, where there were two shops, two pubs and a small hotel. If nothing else, the regular walk there would do her good.

  She made a few promising enquiries, and it was early afternoon by the time she returned home, and noticed a strange vehicle parked outside the cottage next door. She took a second to inspect it, vaguely wondering where she’d seen it before.

  She walked to her front door, but turned back for another look. It was like a car, but had thicker tyres, strange matt green bodywork and no doors. It was . . . like one of those things with the funny name that had been all over Belfast. How strange. But no matter. She shook the thought from her head and reached for the door handle.

  As she opened the door all conversation stopped. The whole family were there, but before she had the chance to check the faces her mother caught her eye with a bright smile. ‘Aileen,’ she said, ‘you have a visitor.’

  All eyes turned to the one place Aileen couldn’t see, the window bay around the corner from the doorway. She stepped forward and almost stumbled with the shock.

  It was him – the hair was a little longer, the clothes were casual, but it was him.

  ‘Marvin?’

  He stepped away from the window and toward her, then held her gently by the arms and gave her a kiss on the cheek. ‘Hello, Aileen.’

  ‘But . . . but what are you doing here?’

  He shrugged those square shoulders. ‘Had some business to attend to in Dublin. Thought I’d come on over and visit an old friend.’

  ‘You never told us you had an American friend,’ Aileen’s mother said. ‘And he’s come all the way over from America just to see you.’

  Marvin smiled, slightly bowing his head to show no offence. ‘Actually, I was already here, ma’am. I just haven’t quite gotten around to going back yet.’

  ‘Ma’s already asked him about the film stars,’ Fergus said, ‘and whether he knows any of them.’ He caught a glare from his mother, which only made him grin.

  ‘I’ve just been talking with your family,’ Marvin said. ‘And a very fine bunch of people they are.’

  Frank sniggered, which made Gerard snigger too.

  Marvin didn’t notice. He hadn’t taken his eyes off Aileen since she’d come in. ‘I’ve, uh, got a jeep out front. Thought you could show me a few of the sights – perhaps those Wicklow Mountains you told me so much about. I could take you out for the afternoon.’ He turned around and gestured to the others. ‘And your mother and father too, naturally.’

  ‘Isn’t he a gentleman?’ Aileen’s mother said.

  Her husband shushed her and shook his head. Then he stood up and walked toward Marvin. ‘That’s grand of you to offer, Marvin. But me and my boys have things to do and people to see.’

  ‘What things?’ Fergus said.

  ‘You’ll see,’ he muttered. He turned back to Marvin. ‘But thank you for coming by, Marvin. It’s been a pleasure hearing about New York.’

  ‘The pleasure was all mine, sir.’ Marvin nodded, turning to spread the nod to the others. ‘Thank you for your fine conversation. I hope to see you all again.’

  The boys and their father left the cottage.

  ‘Mrs Sweeney,’ Marvin said. ‘What about you? Would you like to come with us?’

  She hesitated as she eyed Aileen. ‘Well . . . I suppose so, if you don’t mind. It’s been a while since I had a day out. Twould be grand to see a little countryside. I will, yes. Thank you, Marvin.’

  ‘Excellent.’

  ‘I’ll butter us a little soda bread and I can buy a bottle of lemonade at Cready’s, so I can.’

  ‘Lemonade’s on me, Mrs Sweeney. We can leave as soon as you’re ready.’

  ‘What about my sister?’ Aileen said to Marvin.

  ‘Sister?’

  ‘Behind you.’

  He turned swiftly, almost surprised. ‘Hey, I’m sorry. I forgot about you.’ He squeezed his eyes to slits. ‘Diana, right?’

  ‘Briana.’

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry. Well, the more the merrier, I guess. Would you care to join us?’

  Briana nodded.

  The four of them travelled up into the Wicklow Mountains, which Aileen knew weren’t very mountainous by American standards. Marvin, however, seemed impressed – or was possibly just being polite. That would be just like Marvin.

  The wild and desolate moorland, broken only by the occasional lough or thicket of hardy trees, was certainly as dramatic as it was picturesque, but an open-topped vehicle allowed little opportunity to discuss the scenery. Moreover, with winter’s overture in the air it was hardly practical even on the dry, sunny day the
y had fortunately been granted.

  ‘Is anyone getting cold?’ Marvin said as they descended a rough mountain track.

  ‘A little,’ Aileen’s mother screeched, her whitened fingers holding on to her headscarf as if was the most valuable thing she owned. Aileen and Briana nodded too when he hooked his head around.

  ‘Shall we stop here to eat?’ Aileen’s mother said, almost shouting the words out as a crosswind hit them.

  ‘I got a much better idea,’ Marvin hollered back. ‘No disrespect to your soda bread, Mrs Sweeney, but I think a hot drink would do us all some good.’

  Aileen’s mother glanced at her daughters. ‘I don’t think we have any money.’

  Marvin grinned. ‘Hey, please. It would be my pleasure.’ He pulled over to the side, grabbed a map from the floor and scanned it for a minute or two. ‘Can you all last another twenty minutes?’

  Soon they reached a small town on the edge of the mountain region and found its only café, where Marvin ordered hot tea and warm scones. They ate gathered around a log fire as big as a bed, and Marvin said they didn’t have anything as old as this building back home.

  ‘So tell me,’ Aileen’s mother said during a lull in the conversation, ‘how exactly did you two meet in Belfast?’

  ‘I met a lot of people in Belfast,’ Aileen offered, just a little too sharply.

  ‘We met through mutual friends,’ Marvin added.

  ‘Mutual?’ Mrs Sweeney replied, as if she’d never heard the word. ‘Is that what it is?’

  Briana said, ‘Ah, Mammy, she was on her own up there. She must have met a lot of people.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Aileen replied.

  ‘But you did keep this one quiet,’ Briana muttered under her breath.

  Aileen could feel herself blushing, and just a tiny bit of anger welling up. ‘This one, as you put it, was a good friend to me,’ she said. ‘You don’t know what it’s like being away from home.’

  ‘No,’ Briana said. ‘No, I don’t. I’m sorry.’

  ‘And she was a good friend to me too,’ Marvin said, and he and Aileen took a little time to reminisce about their time in Belfast together.

  Warm and fed, they returned over the same rolling hills, and were frozen once more by the time they reached Leetown, where Aileen’s mother invited Marvin back into the house.