Knocking Boots

by Jordan Marie

  “Mom gave me ice cream,” she says through sniffles—which I guess is five-year-old speak for she’s okay.

  “So what are we going to do?” I ask my brothers and sisters. For as long as I can remember, we’ve always gotten together like this and worked things out when shit got bad. Mom taught us that. Family first, and we all work together to make the changes we need. Usually she’s with us, it just so happens this time she’s part of the shit that needs worked out. I love my Mom. She’s the strongest person I know, but right now she needs to get out of her own head. She can’t lose Jansen.

  None of us want to lose Jansen.

  “There’s nothing we can do. Except maybe eat ice cream like Petal,” Maggie says dejectedly.

  “Bullshit on that. I say we march in and tell mom to get her head out of her ass and fix this mess.”

  I look back over at Cyan and laugh.

  “Baby brother if you tell Mom to get her head out of her ass there won’t be enough of us to find all the pieces of you strung over Texas,” White laughs.

  “She wouldn’t hurt me,” Cyan argues stubbornly.

  “She might not, but she’d put the hurt on you,” Maggie says.

  “That’s for damn sure,” Green laughs.

  “Okay fine then, what are we going to do?”

  I look at Cyan, wishing I had the answer.

  “I don’t understand any of this. Mom loves Jansen,” Maggie mutters.

  “Yeah and it’s clear that Jansen loves her. He even asked her to marry him,” I agree, frowning, wondering how we got from that to Jansen leaving now.

  “I didn’t think we needed him from the beginning,” Blue says and all of us look at him, ready to fight.

  “That’s because you’re—”

  “But, he beat up Grave Mullins in town. So, I think that makes him good in my book,” Blue adds, interrupting his twin.

  “Shit. He beat that asshole up?” White asks, clearly impressed.

  “Yeah, dude. That’s all anyone was talking about when I was there. Grave couldn’t even walk when Jansen was done with him. Sam and Walter from the garage had to help him up.”

  “Damn, wish I could have seen that,” I mumble.

  “You not supposed to say damn, Gray,” Petal says, vanilla ice cream dripping from her chin.

  “What about White? He said shit,” I remind her.

  “That’s okay. White won’t get in trouble.”

  “Why won’t White get in trouble?”

  “Cause he’s oldest.”

  Petal’s reply is hard to make out, because she’s got her tongue stretched out to the right of her face and trying to lick the ice cream. My sister is a mess, but damn she’s cute.

  “That’s right. I’m oldest.”

  “Fine, old man, what do we do to fix this mess?”

  “We have to get them together,” he says like it’s the simplest thing in the world.

  “How are we going to do that?”

  “We were going to do it before, they just worked things out first. So, we do it now. We lock them up somewhere together and let them fight it out.”

  “Mom will kill him if he pisses her off,” Green warns.

  “Jansen can hold his own,” Black argues.

  “Fine. Where can we lock them up together? The house has too many exits.”

  “That wouldn’t work anyway numb-skull,” Black tells Cyan. “You can’t lock someone in the house, the locks are on the inside.”

  “Whatever. How about the old outhouse down by the pond?”

  “The outhouse?” Maggie screeches.

  “Yeah! It’s got a lock on the outside. Remember when Blue locked Black in there? Hah, I thought he was going to kill Blue when he got out!”

  Cyan’s laughing as he remembers. It was pretty funny. It happened a few years ago and Black doesn’t like the dark so he kind of panicked.

  “I didn’t think that was funny,” Black pouts.

  “You wouldn’t. You were too busy screeching like a little girl,” Blue laughs.

  “Asshole,” Black mutters flipping Blue off again. “Besides I got out pretty quick.”

  “You do have a gift for breaking and entering,” White agrees.

  “It’s a gift.” Black leans back in one of the wooden chairs that Jansen put in here and smiles like he owns the world.

  “Yeah, it will probably come in handy when they throw him in jail. Maybe you can get out of the jail cell when they arrest you for breaking into Niecy Jane’s house,” Green says.

  “The law won’t have to arrest him if Niecy’s dad catches him,” White responds and that’s the damn truth. I need to have a talk with my brother before he gets himself killed. This is stuff Jansen could handle if he was here. Then, I wouldn’t feel so guilty for being away all the time. I love my siblings, but damn they’re exhausting sometimes.

  “Mom and Jansen aren’t going to talk things out in an outhouse. You don’t make up from a fight in a small box that smells like…” Maggie trails off looking at Petal.

  “Shit,” White adds with a wink. Maggie rolls her eyes.

  “Maybe we could have them arrested and they could talk things out while they’re in jail?”

  “That’s a great idea moron.”

  “Hey, I thought so. There’s handcuffs at the police station. Jansen could use them on Mom,” Black tells Blue.

  “The dummy has a point there,” Maggie says. “You’d have to handcuff Mom to get her to listen.”

  “That’s not what I was thinking you could do with the handcuffs, but whatever.” Black grins.

  “It’s a wonder I haven’t killed my brothers before now,” Maggie says, while sighing dramatically.

  “I don’t want Mommy in jail!” Petal cries. “If she goes to jail they’ll take us away from her. It happened to my friend Alice!”

  She starts crying and Cyan picks her up and puts her in his lap. He’s only six years older than Petal, but he’s tall like the rest of us boys and looks a lot older. Which could be really bad, because he’s growing up much faster than he should. Hell, even I notice that. Mom is constantly worrying about him.

  “I didn’t know that happened to Alice,” Cyan says, petting Petal’s hair.

  “Yeah. She’s living with her aunt now. I don’t want to live with my aunt, Cyan. Alice says her aunt is mean. I don’t even know my aunt, but I bet she’s mean, too.”

  “Mom’s not getting arrested, Pet. It’s okay,” Cyan calms her.

  “Yeah, Pet, we’re just kidding,” Black adds, feeling guilty and he comes and takes Petal out of Cyan’s arms.

  “What about this playhouse? It’s big in here,” I suggest.

  “There’s no lock,” White points out.

  “We could wedge the door closed with one of those old, fence posts that Jansen replaced down by the barn.”

  I think about Blue’s suggestion, but I shake my head no.

  “Jansen would just knock it loose. If he really took down Grave Mullins like you said, he packs a punch.”

  “True,” he agrees.

  “It wouldn’t do any good,” White adds. There’s a window. Mom would bust it open and escape.”

  “Or Jansen would. You know how Mom gets when she’s mad,” I answer with a nod. “So, this place is out.”

  “What about the tack room? It’s nice.”

  “It stinks like horse feed and saddles in there,” Maggie complains while curling her nose.

  “True, but there is that couch in there so they could… sit and talk,” White says with a wink in my direction.

  I ignore the icky images that come to mind with his wink.

  “It locks from the outside, too,” Green adds.

  “The door is definitely solid. Jansen wouldn’t be able to break it open,” Black agrees.

  “And there aren’t any windows,” Blue says, while nodding.

  “That’s it then. We lock them up in the tack room,” I announce, feeling better now that we’ve concluded things and come down with a p
lan.

  “That just leaves one problem,” Blue responds while everyone is congratulating each other on the plan. We all stop to look at him. “How are we going to lure them both to the tack room when they won’t even look at each other? Not to mention Jansen will be leaving in the morning.”

  “We need something to lure them both there,” I respond, a plan already forming in my head.

  “What would lure them both there together, when they can’t stand to even look at each other now?” Maggie asks.

  “We use the one person we all have a weakness for in this family,” I laugh, thinking it might just be that simple.

  “Who’s that?”

  All of my brothers and sisters look at me, each asking that question at the same time and looking at me like I’m crazy.

  All except one.

  “Me!” Petal exclaims, proving she’s smarter than any normal five-year-old. But, then again, she is a Lucas…

  48

  Jansen

  I can’t put it off any longer. I’ve been dragging my feet because I don’t want to leave. I thought Ida Sue would cave. I thought she would at least try to stop me. She hasn’t even come down here. She just keeps standing on the porch watching me.

  I’m holding the key to the office and to the quarters I’ve been staying in. I suppose I’ll have to be the one to walk them up to her. The least she could do is come down and get those. It sticks in a man’s craw to have the woman he loves not even bothering to come say goodbye.

  I’m about to bite the bullet when Gray and White come up.

  “Didn’t know you two were home.”

  I clear my throat to talk, when it becomes obvious they aren’t going to. They’re just standing there looking at me.

  “We came home to keep an eye on mom when we heard you were leaving,” Gray says, watching me closely.

  “That’s good. She needs that.”

  “She needs a man who won’t give up,” White responds, his voice solid. I eye them both up and down. They’re old enough to get it, and if they want me to lay it out for them, I’ll lay it out.

  “I tried to be that man. Ida Sue wouldn’t let me.”

  “Didn’t figure you for the kind of man who would quit, Jansen.”

  My head jerks at that and it comes from Blue as he and Black show up behind their brothers. Of all of Ida Sue’s kids, Blue’s been the one that’s been the most distant. He’s gotten a little more relaxed around me, but I know that he’s been the one that’s the most standoffish for sure.

  “If she gave me any indication that she wanted me to stay, maybe I wouldn’t.”

  “She’s been crying all night and she’s standing up there watching you now with tears in her eyes, that doesn’t count?” Black asks.

  I frown. It should count and maybe it would, but other things matter, too. Like the fact that I can’t make my living off the woman I’m sleeping with. If we aren’t married then I’m just a kept man and that eats at me. Hell, it might even with the damn ring, but at least I’d feel a little better about it all.

  “What’s going on is between your momma and me, boys. Maybe it’s better if we just leave it at that.”

  “I don’t want you to go, Jansen,” Petal cries, running in between her brothers and tackling me by wrapping her arms around my legs.

  There’s nothing on this earth that cuts your heart out faster than the sound of a little girl crying for you.

  I bend down and pick Petal up in my arms and bring her to me.

  “Don’t cry, Muffin. I don’t like to see your tears.”

  “I want you to stay and be my Daddy,” she whimpers, burying her head in my neck. I feel her tears drip against my neck and I hold her tightly as her body shakes with her sobs.

  “I don’t want to go either,” I admit.

  “Then stay!” she pleads, looking back at me.

  “It’s not always that simple, Sweetheart.”

  “It is if you love us, Jansen. Don’t you love us?” she asks.

  “I do love you. More than you will ever know.”

  “Don’t you love my brothers and sisters?”

  “I love all of you,” I tell them, looking at each one of them, needing them to know I do care about each of them.

  “Then, stay,” Petal begs, hugging me tight again.

  “Being an adult is complicated, Petal. Sometimes you don’t get what you want the most.”

  “I don’t want to lose you, Jansen.”

  “You don’t have to. I’ll let you guys know where I end up. You can write me and keep in touch.”

  “But, Jansen. I’m only five. I don’t know how to write.”

  “Maggie can help you, or you can call me. You know your numbers, right?”

  “Yeah…”

  “Then you can call me. I’ll always be here for you Petal.” I look up at the other children standing around me and Maggie has joined us now, too. “I’ll always be here for any of you. You just have to reach out. Whatever you need, I’ll be there for you.”

  “So, you won’t just dis’speer?” Petal asks and I smile despite the sadness that I’m choking on.

  “I won’t. In fact, one day I’m going to be back to watch you get married.”

  “Ew. Boys are icky.”

  “You keep thinking that, Muffin. Now, give me a hug. Old Jansen’s got to get moving.”

  She hugs me, and once I help her down she takes Maggie’s hands.

  “Just for the record, I don’t want you to go either, Jansen.”

  “Just for the record—again—I don’t want to go,” I tell her with a sad smile.

  “You better not just disappear. And I do like boys, Jansen. And one day I’m going to get married and I’m going to want you to walk me down the aisle.”

  I swallow down the wave of emotion that causes.

  “I’d be honored Maggie.”

  “Let’s go look at the new colt, Petal,” Maggie says, taking Petal away. She’s probably trying to distract her and I have to admit, I’m grateful for that.

  “Is it time?” Petal asks. I blink at the strange question. Maybe she’s asking if it’s time for me to leave. It is… it’s past time.

  “Yeah, it’s time,” Maggie murmurs, echoing my own thoughts. I watch as the girls walk away and then the boys all come up and shake my hand. Each goodbye makes this harder and harder. It’s like going through hell one goodbye at a time.

  Finally, Cyan walks to me. He’s tall, looking more like the twins age than eleven. I hold out my hand to him and he looks at it. Then, he surprises the hell out of me.

  He hugs me. I wrap my arms around him and I swear to God it hurts to breathe now.

  “Love you, Jansen.”

  His voice is barely more than a whisper, but his words pierce inside of me and they make a wound that I know will never heal. I don’t know how I became so entrenched in this family so quickly, but what I do know is that they were meant to be mine.

  I just don’t know how to make Ida Sue realize that…

  49

  Ida Sue

  I feel like I’m dying inside.

  There’s no other way to put it.

  I should be used to men leaving. I should be used to being on my own. It should be a familiar place to be and it shouldn’t hurt this damn much. The thing is, however, that with Jansen it hurts more. It hurts even more than it did when my own father turned his back on me. It’s all I can do right now to remain standing. If I weren’t leaning on the front porch post, then my knees most assuredly wouldn’t hold me up.

  “Ida Sue,” he says as he gets to the bottom of the steps.

  “You’re ready to leave?” I ask him, my heart feeling like it’s being squeezed in a tight fist.

  “Do I have any reason to stay?” he asks and if I didn’t love him so much, I’d hate the man right now.

  “I’ve told you that I love you and it’s clear my kids love you. If that’s not enough to make you stay Jan, then I don’t really know what you’re looking for here.�
�

  Say you’ll stay. Say I’m worth staying for.

  Inside I’m pleading for him to say that. I’m begging him to choose me and not walk away. I can’t tell him that, though.

  I can’t.

  “I don’t want to rehash this, Ida Sue,” he says instead and I guess that’s about as far away from what I want him to say as you can get.

  “Then don’t,” I respond simply, even though I feel like I’m dying.

  His face goes hard and he nods once.

  “Here’s your keys. You’ll need them for whoever you hire to take my place,” he says reaching out to hand them to me.

  Three small gold keys. They shouldn’t bother me. One to the tack room, one to the ranch hand quarters…. But, that third one… that third one nearly destroys me. It’s the key to the house. The house he wouldn’t stay in, the house he didn’t want the kids to know he slept in.

  I swallow down the bitterness. There’s no point in letting it out, not in front of Jansen. Later, after he’s gone and the kids are in bed and I can let it out, then I’ll cry. Then, I’ll let myself bleed.

  I reach to take them. My hand feels ice cold, my fingers frozen. They graze against his rough, warm hands and I close my eyes trying to memorize them. It’s a moment of weakness, and I know he can see the pain on my face, because his hand suddenly wraps around mine. I open my eyes to look at him, knowing there are tears showing, waiting to be shed.

  “Lovey…”

  “It’s okay, Jan. I understand,” I tell him, and I do.

  I’m not enough.

  I’ve never been enough, not for anyone.

  “I wish to hell someone would explain it to me,” he growls. He grabs the hat off his head and pushes his hand through his hair, a move I’ve started recognizing that shows frustration. “Because I have to tell you, Lovey, I don’t understand any of it.”

  “Then why are you—”

  “Mom! Jansen! Hurry! Come to the barn!” Maggie cries, her voice sounding panicked.

  “What’s wrong?” I yell out, fear instantly filling me. Something is wrong, horribly wrong—I can tell it in Magnolia’s voice.