The True Heart

by Helena Halme

  ‘You OK?’ Peter said and placed his hand on the sleeve of Kaisa’s black blazer.

  Kaisa looked up at his face and nodded. She was already fighting tears and the service hadn’t even started yet.

  When it was their turn to greet Duncan’s family, Rose made the introductions, saying Peter and Kaisa were ‘friends from Duncan’s Navy days.’ There was a flicker of recognition at the mention of their surname in the face of the woman with the short bob, but the women both just muttered, ‘Thank you for coming,’ shaking their hands briefly before moving onto the person behind them.

  Kaisa and Peter found a seat at the back of the church. A short while after they’d settled down, Rose came up and whispered to Kaisa, ‘There’s food and drinks at the pub opposite afterwards. I’d be very glad if you could stay?’

  ‘We’ll see,’ Kaisa said and glanced sideways at Peter. Rose nodded, and Kaisa squeezed her friend’s hand, ‘You OK?’ Rose pulled her mouth into a smile, but Kaisa could see there were tears forming in her eyes. ‘See you later, perhaps?’ Rose said and made her way towards the front of the small church.

  It was a brief service, and Kaisa was struck how, instead of mourning the recently passed, as was the custom in Finland, the aim seemed to be to celebrate the life of the deceased. Rose spoke beautifully about her ‘infuriatingly charming’ cousin, something Kaisa could recognise. She was thinking back to when she had seen him a few weeks before, lying in the bed, still smiling at her when she’d said goodbye to him. Had he known he was close to death then?

  Duncan’s uncle said a few words about how his nephew had become a brilliant farmer, and how he loved the land he’d been raised on. Kaisa tried to remember if his parents were alive, because there wasn’t anyone of that age group, apart from his uncle, sitting in the front pews. She presumed they were either too distraught or too old to attend the funeral.

  Kaisa’s thoughts went back to Matti’s funeral, which she now believed she should never have attended. She couldn’t comprehend that this was the second funeral of a man she’d been intimate with. Was it something to do with her? Was she the kiss of death? Kaisa shrugged away such stupid thoughts. Today was nothing to do with her. It was all to do with poor Duncan and forgiveness. Thinking of forgiveness, during the last hymn, as the coffin was carried out of the church, she glanced over at Peter. On the way up to the little village outside Sherborne, they hadn’t said much and Kaisa wondered how Peter was feeling. She guessed he might have changed his mind about going to the funeral.

  When the mourners started to make their way out of the church, Kaisa whispered into Peter’s ear. ‘Rose said there would be food and drinks at the pub opposite. What do you think?’

  Peter moved his head away from Kaisa and lifted his dark eyes towards her. ‘Don’t think that’s appropriate, do you?’

  ‘No,’ Kaisa said and lowered her head. They waited until the church was almost empty before making their way to the car, which was parked outside the village shop. As soon as Peter pulled onto the main road, the heavens opened and a sheet of rain hit the road in front of them. Large drops of water bounced off the bonnet of the car and the tarmac, making it difficult to see through the windscreen. Peter flicked the wipers on full and switched the headlights on, but it was no use.

  ‘Pull over there,’ Kaisa said, seeing a lay-by ahead.

  ‘Bloody hell,’ Peter said as he turned off the engine and they heard the sound of the rain pound like machine-gun fire off the roof of the car.

  Kaisa turned on her seat and placed a hand on Peter’s knee. ‘Thank you for coming today. I know it was difficult.’

  ‘Not the most enjoyable day of my life, that’s true,’ Peter replied, placing his hand on top of Kaisa’s. ‘But I’m glad we came.’ He leaned over and kissed Kaisa on the mouth.

  The rain stopped as suddenly as it had started and Peter pulled back onto the road. After a few moments they could see a rainbow in the distance. Kaisa looked at the profile of her husband, and thought how lucky she was. Then she thought about Ravi, who hadn’t called since they’d had their fight, if that’s what it could be called.

  ‘Peter,’ she began, while he was waiting to enter a roundabout leading to the M3.

  ‘Yes, my Peanut, what is it?’ He glanced quickly at Kaisa, and then turned his attention to the traffic again.

  Kaisa waited until they were cruising along the motorway.

  ‘Ravi told me something the other day.’

  ‘Oh, yes?’ Peter said absentmindedly. He was now fiddling with the radio, trying to find a music station.

  ‘He’s gay.’

  ‘Bloody hell!’

  ‘Yeah, I know. I told him about Duncan and he got all funny and then just said, “Kaisa, I’m gay.” Just like that.’

  ‘When was this?’

  Kaisa bit her lip. She hadn’t thought this through.

  Peter glanced at her again, this time his eyes had turned dark. ‘You told him before you told me, didn’t you?’

  Kaisa was looking out of the window. The rain had left the road wet, with spray making it look slippery and dangerous. ‘Slow down, you’re doing nearly 90!’ she said.

  ‘Don’t change the subject,’ Peter said but brought the speed down to nearer 70 miles per hour.

  ‘OK, I did tell him before you, but only by a few weeks.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter if it was an hour before! I can’t believe you. I thought we’d agreed: no more secrets!’

  Kaisa felt close to tears, but tried to keep hold of herself.

  ‘I was so lonely, and I had to tell someone. I didn’t want to breathe a word of it at work, naturally, not something you’d talk about there, but when Ravi came over to the house, out of the blue, one evening, well I just couldn’t …’

  Kaisa saw how Peter’s mouth was in a straight line and he was staring at the road ahead. He put the indicator on and pulled out into the middle lane, overtaking a string of three cars. Spray formed in front of them and for an awful moment they couldn’t see out of the windscreen, until the wipers began their sweeping motion across the glass. Again Kaisa noticed Peter was speeding, but she didn’t dare say anything. He was taking out his anger on the road, and she hoped to God he’d calm down soon.

  They spent the rest of the journey in silence, apart from when Kaisa asked Peter if he wanted to stop off for fish and chips as they got close to home. Peter nodded and soon they were parking the car a few steps away from their front door, carrying the delicious-smelling bag inside.

  Kaisa arranged the food on plates and looked at Peter across the kitchen table. ‘Look, darling, I didn’t do it to spite you, or hurt you. You know I get lonely when you are away. Plus I didn’t want to tell you all of this when I knew you needed to concentrate on Perisher.’

  Peter lifted his head and sighed. ‘I know.’

  Kaisa walked around the table and went to hug her husband. ‘I love you.’

  Peter stroked Kaisa’s hair, ‘I know and I love you too. I think I’m a bit more stressed about the course than I realise.’

  Kaisa pressed herself closer to Peter, nuzzling his neck. ‘We’d better eat before it gets cold,’ Kaisa said, but Peter had bent down and was kissing Kaisa. She could feel herself melt in his arms and desire rise inside her.

  ‘Let’s go upstairs,’ Peter said hoarsely and almost carried Kaisa up the bedroom.

  He peeled Kaisa’s clothes off and pulled her knickers off, kneeling in front of her. Kaisa sighed and before she knew it, Peter was holding her legs and entering her, his eyes fixed on hers.

  ‘You make me wild with desire, Kaisa,’ he said and bent down to kiss her neck, breasts and mouth.

  * * *

  Before Peter left the house late on Sunday, they kissed and hugged for a long time. Kaisa was sad to be saying goodbye to him, she’d never get used to it, but it wasn’t as bad as when he was about to go on a long patrol.

  ‘I’ll get a weekend off again soon,’ Peter said, and brushed a strand of hair that had e
scaped from the ponytail Kaisa had fashioned, out of her face.

  Kaisa smiled, ‘Be careful, I might just get used to having you around.’

  ‘Wouldn’t that be something,’ Peter replied. ‘But honestly, I know I shouldn’t say it, but I do have a good feeling about the future.’ He placed his hand on Kaisa’s belly.

  Kaisa glanced down at his hand, then at Peter’s face. ‘Oh, darling, don’t jinx it.’

  Peter gave Kaisa a peck on her cheek and whispered into her ear, ‘We’ve certainly given it a go this weekend. What you did to me this morning, I’m getting hard just thinking about it.’

  Kaisa blushed, she’d still not got used to talking openly about what they did in the privacy of their bedroom.

  When Peter saw her face reddening, he squeezed her tightly against himself. ‘Oh, darling, there’s no need to be embarrassed. I love when you’re passionate like that. Or didn’t you notice?’

  ‘Don’t tease me,’ Kaisa laughed, trying to shake off her discomfort. She knew it was silly, but she guessed it was the Finn in her. At home, you didn’t talk about sex openly, if at all.

  * * *

  In bed that night, Kaisa thought that everything was at last going right. Peter’s words had echoed what she herself felt. She also had a good feeling about the future. She wondered if there was a little baby growing inside of her already, but immediately decided to cast such thoughts aside. She didn’t want to put an adverse spell on any future pregnancy either.

  Twenty-One

  ‘Well, well, Mrs Williams, it is indeed good news. Congratulations!’

  Kaisa gazed at her doctor. His grey wisps of hair were a little longer today, showing off his unusually pale eyes. Kaisa wondered absentmindedly if they’d been blue when he was younger.

  ‘Thank you, Dr Harris,’ Kaisa replied and smiled. She’d been smiling to herself for weeks now. Although it was good to have the confirmation from her GP, she’d known before she came into the surgery that she was pregnant. This was the fourth time, so by now she recognised the signs. Exactly ten days after Peter had returned to the base and his Perisher course, Kaisa had gone off coffee. Then, she’d had the familiar metallic taste in her mouth, and a few days later, the final confirmation when she couldn’t face breakfast in the morning. Her breasts had been sore right after Peter had gone, but she had thought that might have been because of all the sex they’d had. They’d made love several times a day over the weekend. It was as if the closeness of death had made them want to confirm that they were alive. Besides, she’d had an ulterior motive, which she was sure Peter knew was the reason she kept pulling him – very willingly – into bed. After all they’d discussed, after all the lies she’d confessed to, Peter still looked happier than she’d seen him in a long while when he said goodbye to her on the steps of their home.

  Kaisa had taken a pregnancy test as soon as her period was a day late, and the little blue line had been clear on the stick. But she tried not to think about it until she had confirmation from her GP. Still, she couldn’t help the utter feeling of happiness and fulfilment she had. She tried to keep fear out of her mind too, and for some reason, she was succeeding in not thinking the worst.

  ‘So, because of your, hmm, history,’ the doctor glanced at Kaisa’s face, probably expecting her to dissolve into a flood of tears any moment. When he saw Kaisa smiling, he continued, visibly relieved, ‘Yes, as I was saying, because of your recent terminations, we are able to offer you a course of treatment to ensure a successful pregnancy, hopefully right up to full term.’

  ‘Oh,’ Kaisa said. She’d heard from Pammy, her friend on the naval base in Faslane who had also suffered several miscarriages, that after three ‘terminations’ as the GP called her miscarriages, the NHS would offer some treatment or other. But she had no idea this treatment was offered automatically, or that is was something old Dr Harris would even know about. She assumed this time they’d just monitor her more closely.

  ‘What do you mean by ‘treatment’ exactly?’

  ‘Hormones,’ the GP said. ‘This is quite a new thing, but since you’ve terminated around the same time each pregnancy, I think it may be caused by a dip in your progesterone level and we can address that.’ The man was looking at a brown folder, and not at Kaisa.

  Kaisa stared at the doctor. Had he known the reason for the miscarriages all along? At first, she’d been convinced it was the nuclear reactor Peter worked so close to, or the AIDS virus. Almost every waking hour of the past few months, nearly a year, she’d wondered what the reason for her inability to keep hold of a baby could be. And here her doctor was, looking at the answer in her notes.

  When there was no reaction from his patient, Dr Harris looked up at Kaisa. ‘So we have two options. Either you will proceed with this pregnancy without our intervention and hope for the best, or we begin the treatment immediately.’

  ‘What … what is the treatment?’ Kaisa said, stammering a little. She couldn’t take in the news that there was a simple fix for her inability to keep hold of a baby. Just like that! She wished Peter was there with her. She wanted him to hold her hand now and ask sensible questions. In Kaisa’s mind, only anger whirled, making her unable to utter a word. How could she ask her old GP why, if he’d already diagnosed the problem she had with losing babies, hadn’t he told her before? Without coming across rude. The nights she’d spent wondering why her body had rejected the foetus, while all along this man had known the reason!

  She looked out of the bay window of the surgery and saw normal people walking outside, doing their usual, everyday things. She noticed for the first time that the wide, beige-coloured vertical blinds, which were half open, looked shabby and faded. She was jolted back into the room when her GP spoke.

  ‘Right, Mrs Williams, it is a 20-week course of injections. You will need to come to the surgery once a week. A nurse will administer the injection.’ Dr Harris leaned forward on his chair and looked in Kaisa’s eyes. ‘This is a new treatment, and we cannot be sure that it works for each patient.’

  Kaisa nodded, although she had a feeling that she wasn’t in the room, but floating above it. She put her hands down on the chair, making sure she was sitting down properly, and took a couple of deep breaths in and out.

  ‘Are you alright, Mrs Williams?’ The GP’s expression was full of concern.

  ‘Could I have a glass of water?’

  ‘Of course.’ The old GP got to his feet and poured a glassful from a carafe on his desk. He watched as Kaisa sipped the water and placed the glass back onto the leather-covered surface.

  Kaisa blinked and said, ‘Yes, I understand. Injections once a week?’

  ‘Is that OK?’

  Suddenly Kaisa thought of something, ‘I work shifts at the BBC. Does it have to be a certain day of the week?’

  Dr Harris gazed at Kaisa. He tilted his head slightly and said, ‘If you like we can leave your pregnancy to develop naturally, and, if you lose the baby again, try it next time?’

  ‘No, let’s do it now,’ Kaisa said firmly and tried to smile. She was finally beginning to feel herself again.

  ‘Excellent, I think that is a good decision. And I’m afraid you will have to have it the same day each week. But I’m sure your employer will understand?’

  Kaisa nodded.

  ‘Can I ask you something, Dr Harris?’ Kaisa said after the doctor had told her to go back to the reception and wait for the nurse to call her.

  ‘Of course, what is it?’

  ‘Did you know all along that it was this hormone, pro …’ Kaisa struggled with the pronunciation. ‘Did you know the lack of it was the reason for all the previous miscarriages?’

  Dr Harris hesitated, ‘No, not really. I have a colleague, Dr Chishty, who advised me that this may be the problem. She is specialising in women’s medicine and has been studying the cause of early miscarriages.’

  ‘I see,’ Kaisa said. She stood facing Dr Harris, her hand on the door handle.

  ‘So you’re lucky w
e have Dr Chishty at our disposal here,’ Dr Harris said and smiled. Then, becoming serious, he added, ‘But don’t forget, there’s no guarantee that it will work.’

  Twenty-Two

  Peter was snoozing in his bunk, trying to catch a few zzz’s before he was due to have his session with Teacher in the control room, when Nigel came into the wardroom and nudged his shoulder.

  ‘Ethan’s off.’

  ‘What?’ Peter got up quickly and saw the Canadian standing in the gangway. His shoulders were slumped and he was looking down at his cap, which he held in one hand. Tony was next to him, patting his shoulder.

  ‘Sorry, to see you go, mate,’ he said and Peter could hear the genuine feeling in the throaty way his words came out. He realised how close they all had grown during the past couple of months. At that moment, Peter felt he almost liked the loud Australian.

  When Peter and Nigel shook Ethan’s hand, he could see the man’s eyes look watery, and for a moment he wondered if he was going to cry. Then they saw Teacher’s steward behind Ethan, carrying his canvas holdall. ‘This way, Sir,’ he said, nodding to the remaining Perishers to get out of their way. He ushered Ethan towards the conning tower.

  Ethan’s failure after only three days at sea came as a huge blow to all the other Perishers. All three remaining officers crowded into the small wardroom and sat in silence around the central table. They heard James Bond running empty alongside, but no one commented on its sudden appearance.

  Eventually, Tony spoke up. ‘He made another mash of his calculations this evening. Teacher had to take charge of the sub, and that was one time too many.’

  It seemed the older man hadn’t been able to keep up with the mental arithmetic.