Almost Just Friends

by Jill Shalvis

  Fall in love.

  She stared at the words, having to admit she should probably just go ahead and check that one off right now because it’d already happened. She’d just been too stubborn to realize it. She’d been afraid of commitment in the past because in her mind, committing to someone meant another person whose life would take precedence over hers.

  But she wasn’t afraid of that with Cam. He’d never try to make her into something she wasn’t or put himself before her.

  Life as she knew it would only get better.

  “Why is this so hard?” she whispered angrily to herself, and pressed her forehead to her knees.

  “It doesn’t have to be,” said an unbearably familiar voice from behind her.

  Cam.

  She squeezed her eyes shut. He’d found her. Of course he’d found her. Because unlike her, he was in control of himself and always did what needed to be done, hard or easy, big or small.

  Damn, she admired that.

  He came to a stop beside her, and she made the mistake of looking up at him. His hair was growing out a bit from his military cut and was a windblown mess of perfection. He hadn’t shaved in a few days and the scruff and dark sunglasses he favored only added to his bad-boy appeal.

  “I’m an asshole?” he asked, reminding her of exactly where they’d left off.

  She grimaced and opened her mouth, but he put a hand on her shoulder, gentle but firm.

  “Let me rephrase. I am an asshole. And I owe you an apology.” Their arms and legs brushed as he settled in beside her, calm and relaxed in a way that was beyond her ability, ever. “First,” he said, “I need you to know that I wanted to tell you about my brother. I did. But I let the guilt cloud my judgment.” He closed his eyes. “Rowan told me he didn’t want his kid growing up like we did. He wanted them to have two parents in their life that loved each other. ‘Winnie and I are going to make it work,’ he told me. And”—Cam met her gaze—“I didn’t believe him. I couldn’t buy into the notion of love, because it’d never worked for me. But Rowan said it only has to work the one time. A twenty-year-old schooled me.”

  She felt her heart go a little squishy.

  “Rowan wanted me to fill the role for his baby that he knew he wouldn’t be able to.” He shook his head. “And even then, I wasn’t having it. He was bleeding out, dying, and I told him to stop saying goddamn good-bye to me, that he was going to make it, that he’d live to drive me out of my mind another day.”

  Piper smiled through unshed tears. “And what did he say to that?”

  Cam’s mouth curved in a grief-filled smile. “For the first time in our lives, he got royally pissed off at me. He grabbed me by my shirt with his bloody fists and shook me. He yelled, ‘I need you to listen to me, for once!’”

  “Did you?”

  “Yeah. I finally stopped reacting instead of listening.” He closed his eyes. “And you know the rest.”

  She tried to hold on to her anger. But in spite of her best efforts, some of it was fading. Actually, a lot of it. “So that’s why it’s so important to you to listen. It’s one of your best qualities.”

  His smile was wry. “But see, I don’t always listen. I didn’t listen to you, or my heart. I’ve got a long history of letting those I care about down. My mom, Rowan, you.”

  Dammit, there went some more of her bad temper. “No,” she said. “Promises mean something to you. I get that. It’s . . . noble. You were trying to help Winnie and you’d given her your word. I do that on the job, I keep people’s medical secrets, so my sister asking you not to tell me . . . well, I have to accept and understand that. It was her story to tell and she thought I’d overreact or tell her what to do rather than listen. Same with Gavin. That’s between me and them, and no matter what I might want, I can’t control them.”

  He gave her a small smile. “You letting me off the hook, Piper?”

  “No.” She paused and shook her head. “Well, maybe just a little. I really do know you were trying to help. Logically. But . . . emotionally? I’m still hurt and angry at being left out.”

  “Understood.”

  She nodded, relieved to have gotten that out. He let a companionable silence fill the space between them, along with the small waves slapping rhythmically against the dock. She could hear the wind and a bird squawking at something. The buzz of insects. Her own thoughts . . .

  “Everything feels so complicated,” she whispered.

  “It doesn’t have to be.”

  She looked at him.

  “No one meant to hurt anyone,” he said. “Least of all me. The loan . . . I came here to Wildstone intending to check on Winnie, you know that now. What you don’t know is that I wasn’t in a great place. I was . . . needing a connection. Something to ground me, to make me feel. I met you on my second night here, and I knew right then at the bar, Piper. I knew I’d found the connection I was looking for. I wanted to tell you everything, but Winnie needed to do it, in her own time. It was before . . . us.” He paused and met her gaze. “But then I started to fall for you, and there I was, holding back from you while asking you not to hold back from me. That’s what I’m most sorry about. With the loan, I was just trying to help, trying to give you something you needed. You needed to be free to go. Now you are. You can go find the next good-time guy.”

  She winced. “You’re not just that to me,” she said softly. “And I’m sorry I let you think that. You’re more. You’re . . .”

  “Too much more?” he asked wryly.

  No, you’re everything, she wanted to say, but just shook her head.

  “Piper, you’re one of the strongest people I know. You’ve had to be. But that’s the thing. Now you don’t. You can let go of everyone else’s problems for once, and just live your own life.”

  “But what if I don’t know who I am if I’m not the mom, the sister, the caretaker . . .”

  “You know exactly who you are, Piper. Yes, you’re those things, but you’re also so much more. You’re intelligent, resourceful, fiercely independent. You’re also beautiful, but that’s actually the least interesting thing about you.” He looked amused when she blinked. “You make me feel things I didn’t think I could feel.”

  A little overwhelmed and maybe also embarrassed at the compliments, she squirmed. “Yeah, well, aroused doesn’t count.”

  He flashed a quick grin that affected her pulse. “Yes, it does. But it’s more than that. You make me—”

  “Crazy?”

  “I wasn’t going to list that first,” he said diplomatically.

  “Haha.” It took her a minute to find the right words. “I’m not the kind of person who believes people are inherently good. I don’t trust easily. Or at all. But . . . I trusted you, Cam.”

  He grimaced. “I know. I—”

  She put her fingers to his mouth. “So yeah, when you lied to me, I got angry. But I was angry at myself for not knowing. I should have. I should have seen all of it, but I was too busy and distracted, and didn’t take the time for my own brother and sister. So, see, I let myself down. And I want you to know, I still trust you. If anything, I’ve learned that life’s about the little things.” She paused, met his gaze. “Like keeping promises.”

  “Like keeping promises,” he agreed, with a serious look on his face as he lightly touched her. “You’re too hard on yourself.”

  Maybe. Okay, yes. She was. She thought about her work, and all she’d seen. How sometimes the simplest choices could have such far-reaching impacts. Like her parents sending their kids to safety, planning to join them soon, but instead being killed before they could. Or someone driving drunk because he lived right around the corner, but in that two-minute drive he hit a car and killed one of two brothers. “Life’s too short,” she murmured out loud.

  “Yes.”

  She stared at the water and not at Cam. Because looking directly at Cam was oftentimes like looking at a whole pan of buttery soft double-chocolate brownies. Oh so good, and . . . oh so bad for her. “Whi
ch is why I’ve decided to give up my crutch.” She lifted her journal.

  “Okay. How?”

  She bit her lower lip because if he laughed at her, she might have to hurt him.

  But his gaze was sympathetic. “You could start slow. Maybe leave it at home once in a while. Or start over and keep journaling without making it a road map of your life that you have to live by.”

  “Or I could go cold turkey and literally toss it.” She eyed the lake.

  He arched a brow, and she realized she was clutching it to her chest. But the thought of being free of the incessant list-making had her feeling good about her next choice. “I’m serious about this.” She slapped the journal against his chest. “But you’re going to have to do it.”

  “Piper—”

  “Do it!”

  He tossed the journal into the lake. There was a splash, and then it sank beneath the surface of the glassy water, vanishing from view. Piper leapt to her feet. “Oh my God!” She kicked off her shoes. “I can’t believe you actually did it!”

  “You said—”

  That was the last thing she heard because she jumped into the lake, and it wasn’t until her body got sucked into the cold water that she remembered.

  She hated the water.

  Chapter 29

  Her inner office-supply ho quivered.

  Piper spent a horrifyingly long few seconds trying to remember how to swim. But then there was a splash next to her, and suddenly she was being held against another body.

  “Okay,” Cam said. “I’m moving crazy up to the top of the list. Because what the actual fuck, Piper.”

  “I wasn’t quite ready to let go!”

  With a sigh, he swam her to the dock ladder and gave her a not-so-gentle shove up. She climbed to the dock and flopped onto her back, staring up at the sky before realizing he hadn’t come up after her. Sitting up, she peered over the side.

  He was gone.

  Like . . . gone. There was no sign of him as far as the eye could see. “Cam!” she yelled.

  Nothing.

  Oh, shit. She’d killed him. Fear clutched deep in her gut. He was drowning. Dear God, he was going to die and it was all her fault. She got to her feet and was just about to jump back in when he surfaced. He tossed his hair from his eyes with a single shake of his head and lifted a hand out of the water.

  He had her journal.

  He tossed it at her feet as he effortlessly pulled himself up onto the dock and flopped down at her side.

  “Are you insane?” she demanded.

  He was drenched, but the look he slid her was one hundred percent dry. “I believe the words you’re looking for are thank you.”

  “Oh my God.” She thought he must be furious at her, but when she took a closer look, he was laughing.

  “Hey,” she said. “It’s not funny. I thought I killed you.”

  “I’m like a cat, I’ve got a few lives left.” He rose to his feet, vanished into the marina storage locker, and came back with two wool blankets. Wrapping one around her, he encouraged her to sit back down.

  “I can’t believe I made the mistake of telling you to toss the journal into the lake.”

  He wrapped the other blanket around himself and sat next to her. “I’ve made more than a few mistakes of my own.”

  She stopped in the middle of trying to dry off the journal with her blanket and looked over at him in surprise. “You have?”

  He let out a mirthless laugh. “Hell, yes. Many. I failed Rowan, and in some ways, my dad too. Finding out he needed me was just another nail in the coffin. Or so I thought. All of it felt like a noose around my neck at first. But I found a relationship with my dad that I didn’t know I needed. And then there’s Gavin and Winnie, who are family now too. Gavin, who lives unapologetically as he is, owning his mistakes and trying to make right what he can. I admire the hell out of that, Piper. And Winnie . . .” He shook his head with a small smile. “Twenty years old and made of one hundred percent bravado and sarcasm. She’s going to be one hell of a mom when she finds her sea legs, but she won’t be in it alone. She’ll have all of us.” He drew a breath. “I’ve fallen for all of them. And there’s something else I fell for too. Someone.” He looked at her. “You.”

  She sucked in a breath. “What?”

  “I love you, Piper.”

  She shook her head. “No. You can’t.”

  He gave a small quirk of his lips. “I know you like to control . . . everything. But not even you can tell me how or when or what to feel.”

  “But . . .” Boggled, she shook her head. “Why?”

  “Why do I love you? Easy. Your energy fuels my soul.”

  She blinked. “My bad attitude, you mean? That fuels your soul?”

  He smiled. “Your everything. You’re the calm in the storm.”

  She stared at him. “Now I know you’ve lost it.”

  “I mean every word. I love how you treat people. My dad, for instance. And Sweet Cheeks.”

  “She’s not a people. She’s the anti-Christ.”

  “You know what I mean. You give respect and dignity, even when it’s not always deserved. I love how you can always make me laugh, especially when I need it most. I love how you kiss me. I love how you just gathered me in and added me to your core unit.” He shook his head. “That means a lot. Actually, it means everything to me.”

  There was no air. Why was there no air? “I got into U of C,” she said inanely.

  He smiled. “Good. Congratulations. They’re lucky to have you.”

  “Cam . . .” She closed her eyes because he was so amazing and gracious and kind. And supportive. She didn’t even know how to tell him how much that meant to her. “I can’t be the girl who changes her plans for the guy,” she whispered.

  “I know.” His hand covered hers. “But I can be the guy who changes his plans for a girl.”

  Her eyes flew open. “What?”

  “I could move to Colorado. With you.”

  “But the DEA . . .”

  “I’ll figure it out, but I’m not living for my job.”

  “But you’d have to move.”

  “Moving around has always been all I know,” he said.

  “But you wanted to stop having to do that, you wanted a home base.”

  “You’re my home base.”

  She stared at him. He made it sound so simple. “You can’t do that for me.”

  “Why not?”

  “Why not?” she repeated, nowhere near calm. “Because you need to be here with your dad and Winnie and the baby. I’m not going to ask you to choose.” Her breath caught on the word, because in her experience, people didn’t choose her, not for their endgame.

  “Piper.” He took both of her chilled hands in his warm ones now. “I want this to work. I’m willing to make this work, no matter where we live. We’re the core, and yeah, right now it needs to be about you, and that’s okay.”

  “But what about you?”

  He gave her a smile. “I’ll get my turn. Just tell me what you’re thinking.”

  She was mostly thinking that Jenna had been right. Emmitt had been right. Her siblings too. They all knew that life was where you made room for it, and so was love and acceptance. She blew out a breath. “I was fine before you, you know. Just fine.”

  His smile was unapologetic. “I wasn’t.”

  She brought their joined hands up to her chest and pressed, then lifted her head. “Okay, yeah. Fine. Neither was I.”

  His smile spread and she shook her head at him. “I actually thought I had all the answers, but I didn’t have any. Turns out you had them all.”

  “If you really believe that,” he said on a dry laugh, “you don’t know me at all.”

  But that was the thing—she did know him. Better than she’d ever known anyone. “You’ve got this way of drawing people in,” she said. “And inspiring trust. And love.”

  He arched a sardonic brow. “Not in everyone.”

  “You drew me in,” she adm
itted. “I trust you.” She hesitated. “I know losing Rowan was the hardest thing.”

  “Yes. So would be losing you.”

  Heart. Melted. She came up on her knees and put her hands on his shoulders. “I love you too, Cam. I have for a while. I was just scared.”

  “And you’re not now?”

  “Terrified. Hold me.”

  He laughed and pulled her right into his lap. He was warm and his arms felt just right holding her close, like she was everything to him. Cupping his face, she stared into his eyes, feeling all the feels, but unsure how to let them out after a lifetime of holding them in. The man had jumped into the lake to save her and her journal. That had to be some kind of a record.

  “It’s okay, Piper,” he said quietly, pushing the wet hair from her face. “Whatever you need to make this work. Whatever you want. Just say the word.”

  He was putting her dreams first and no one had ever done that. He wasn’t going to vanish on her. He would come with her. Or even stay here and hold everything together while she was gone, if that’s what she wanted. “Word,” she whispered, smiling when he looked at her in surprise.

  “Yeah?” he asked.

  “Yeah. All I need to make this work is my family, which includes you and your dad. But mostly what I need is you. And I need to be here with all of you, in Wildstone.”

  He was already shaking his head. “No. No way. You’re not giving up your dream for—”

  “I’m not. I won’t. While you were gone, I also applied here at Cal Poly, which I didn’t do in the first place because I thought I wanted to leave. I wanted adventure, but this is my adventure. You’re my adventure, Cam.”

  His gaze searched hers. “You sure?”

  She tried to shift even closer, but she was already on top of him. Understanding, he tugged off her blanket and opened his for her, where she made herself at home up against his chest, closing her eyes when his arms came back around her. Winding a hand through her still drenched and tangled hair, he brought her face close to his so he could kiss her, his mouth a hot contrast to hers. They were still kissing, and she was no longer cold, when she heard footsteps on the dock behind them. She looked up and found Emmitt, Gavin, and Winnie staring at them.