by Ward, H. M.
“This isn’t about the money, but you’re wrong and need to take it. I—”
“You don’t get to have a say in anything I do. I’m not taking that back. It’s tainted. This is the end of this conversation. Go ahead and do whatever amuses you. I know you will.” I turn away sharply, but Sean manages to grab my wrist.
He pulls me back to him, hard, too hard. I smack into his chest and he holds onto me tightly. Sean steps forward and before I know it, he has me pressed against the wall. It seems like hours have passed since I walked into this room. How is it that no one else has come in? And if they come in now, it looks really bad.
Sean’s lips are too close to mine. A wave of his warm breath drifts across my cheek and I shiver. I’m paralyzed, unable to move. I don’t know what’s doing it—if fear has me so scared that I can’t move or if it’s something else, something I don’t even want to consider.
When Sean speaks, something inside me reacts and I melt. “You think this amuses me? You think that I don’t know what I’ve done to you? You really think that it makes me happy?”
I don’t answer. He’s too close. My mind can’t process all the emotions racing through my body. My veins are on fire and someone has stolen every last breath from my lungs. I shiver, and Sean holds me tighter. My eyes are locked onto his. Neither of us speaks. His lips, those perfectly pink lips, part like he wants to say more—like he wants to kiss me—but Sean doesn’t move. He’s frozen. My heart pounds harder, faster. Buzzing fills my ears and my knees go weak.
After a moment, Sean forces himself to blink. From under those thick dark lashes, he says, “I made a mistake. I don’t know—”
Something inside me snaps. His words ignite strength within me and I pull away, saying, “You’ve made too many mistakes. I can’t do this with you. I don’t know what you need, or who you really are. I’m not even sure if you really know, but this,” I gesture between us, “is a bad idea. It’s like setting a cigarette down on an open keg of gunpowder. It’s not a question of whether or not it’ll explode, it’s a question of how much damage it will it do when it does blow up, and with you—I already know that answer.
“I gave you everything I had and you sent me back. I’ll be the trash you think I am. I’ll become what you made me. But, I will never, ever, come groveling back, asking for your affection or your friendship. And you know why? Because there’s nothing left in here,” I ball my hand into a fist and hold it over my heart. “There’s nothing left but a shell and I know that one wrong move—just one more—will be the end of me, and I have no intention of allowing that to happen—especially not with you.”
My voice is too calm. The way I say it is completely detached, like I’m reporting on someone else’s life, someone else’s soul. I watch his eyes and the way he drinks me in, but I feel nothing. The longer I speak, the more emptied out I feel. I turn and walk back to the door, numb with shock.
Sean’s voice is soft, apologetic almost, “I made the deal with Henry. I did it for you.”
His confession doesn’t make me pause. It doesn’t change anything. Without a word, I push through the door and walk away.
10
Henry is beaming at me and won’t shut up once we’re back in the limo. “Do you know how many people wanted that patent and I’m the one who got it! Do you know what this means?” If he smiles any wider, his teeth will fall out of his head. Henry is practically bouncing in the seat next to me. “And it’s all because of you! I know it! Ferro has a weakness for beautiful women. I saw him walk away shortly after you left the table. Did he talk to you?”
I glance at Henry out of the corner of my eye. I don’t want to talk about it, so I smile and shake my head. “No, not really. I saw him after I left the ladies room.”
Henry looks at me for a moment and then reaches for his wallet. “I told you that I’d reward you and I’m keeping my promise.” He fishes out some larger bills and counts them swiftly.
Lifting my hand, I stop him. “I can’t take tips. You’ll have to give it to Miss Black.”
“But I want you to have it.” Henry looks at me with a childlike expression.
I assure him that I’ll get it, that it’ll help me, before Gabe drops him off at his hotel. Henry finally puts his money away. Then, he exits the car, jumps in the air, and whoops. His happiness is contagious. I can’t help it. I smile at him and wish him well. He seems like a good guy.
At the last second, Henry turns back to the car and asks, “If I were to ask you on a date—”
My eyes drop to my hands when he asks. “I’m not allowed to date.”
“At all?” he asks, stunned. I shake my head and smile at him. “So, if I want to see you again…?”
“You have to order me.” That sounds really weird.
Henry leans on the car at the open window. “Would you like to see me again?”
He’s flirting with me. It makes me smile. I can’t believe this guy. “I would love to see you again, and I’d love to hear what you plan on doing with that patent. I can tell it means a lot to you.”
“It does!” He’s all happiness and rainbows. I wouldn’t be surprised if a unicorn shot out of his ass—he’s that happy. “I’ll set it up and I’m telling your boss that you’re exceptional, because you are. No one can tame Ferro and somehow, you did! It’s amazing. You’re an amazing woman and I can’t wait until our next date.” He’s grinning so wide. Henry turns around and dances a gig as he walks away from the car. I wonder how long it’ll take him to fall asleep tonight. He got everything he wanted.
As we pull away from the curb, Gabe says, “You have the shiftiest luck, you know that, right?”
My eyes flick up to the mirror. “I’m well aware.”
“What were the odds of Ferro showing up? I mean, I don’t know how you kept that whole situation from blowing up, but you did. I’m telling Black that it’s not you. Whatever occurred between you and Ferro in private, whatever happened, is on him. She should reinstate you in time to fuck Henry’s brains out next weekend. That should fix your financial problem with Black and you’ll be back on the books again.”
I stare out the window as he speaks. My lips are parted and I breathe slowly. This is my life. I’m a call girl. I’ll get to be with someone else and wash the vivid memories of Sean away. I nod slowly. This is what I wanted. Somehow, I survived the night and made a positive impression on Gabe and Henry without making things worse with Sean.
Gabe speaks, pulling me from my thoughts. “You’ve got that stormy look in your eye.”
“Excuse me?” I’ve never heard that expression before and I’m not sure what he means.
“It’s like your mind is a sea during a storm. I see it in your eyes. You need to hide that. It means people can still get at you, take bits and pieces away, and from the looks of it you don’t have much to give.”
I stare at Gabe, wondering if I’m always so transparent. I thought I did a good job hiding everything. Maybe not. Instead of replying, I nod.
Gabe drops me off at Black’s and I go upstairs. I file my report and turn in my gown. I put on my old dress and tie my Chuck’s back on my feet. I toss my purse and heels into a bag and head for the elevator. When the doors open, Gabe is standing there. He holds the door for me. “You did well, kid. No worries. You still got this job.”
“Thanks,” I say, and the doors slip shut.
When I exit the building, it’s late. I grab a can of ether and start my car. It rumbles to life and for the first time in a long time, I wish I had a coat. Shivering, I drive back home, but I take the long way getting there. I drive past the dark beach. The scent of salt water fills my head as the wind blasts my face through the window. Eventually, my skin becomes numb. I wish I could stay like that. I wish I didn’t feel every goddamn thing. For a moment, I’m jealous of Sean, of his ability to shut me out so thoroughly. I wish I could do that.
By the time I get off the parkway and head down Deer Park Avenue, I’m totally frozen. My icy fingers grip
my steering wheel as I stop at the light from hell. I rev the engine and keep my other foot on the brake. I glance around. It’s a nice night, but it’s cold.
My RPM slip, and I feel the car convulse. It’s trying to stall. I give it more gas and stop looking around. I try to get the engine to keep running, but it doesn’t. The beast shutters and dies. Of course the light changes right then. Horns start to blare. I flip on my hazards and grab the can of ether. After walking around to the front of the car, I open the hood and spray.
While I do, I hear a motorcycle inching closer and closer. It’s as if the rider slowed down just to talk to me. My heart races faster. It can’t be him. I slam the hood down and see Sean on the shoulder, stuck a few cars back. I know it’s Sean, even though I can’t see his face. Seeing him makes my throat constrict. It’s like someone has a belt and is pulling it tighter and tighter around my neck.
Just breathe and drive away, I tell myself.
After I get back inside, I start the car. It rumbles to life just as I see Sean inching towards me in the shoulder. I don’t want to talk to him. I can’t. Even though the light is changing to yellow, I gas it. I need to get away from him.
The next few seconds are frozen. They don’t pass the way they should. My car has the acceleration of a sloth and I basically start to roll into the intersection. The bike engine revs behind me, growling like a bear. Sean’s going to gun it and try to catch me. I don’t look back. I press the accelerator pedal down to the floor, and my car starts to pick up speed, but then Sean’s bike cuts me off. A red taillight streaks in front of me and I break hard.
I don’t see the truck until that moment. Its horn blares as it comes into the intersection. My foot slams on the break and I skid until the rims of my tires slam into the curb. I clutch the steering wheel and watch in horror as Sean tries to evade the massive amount of steel barreling down on him. He turns sharp, but the back tire doesn’t grip. It slides out from under him. The bike tips over and falls to the ground. Sparks fill the air like fireworks when the bike’s on its side.
Sean hits the pavement hard and rolls uncontrollably into traffic.
I hear a voice screaming, and don’t realize that it’s me. I’m running. Suddenly, I’m running into the intersection. Sean’s bike collides with the side of the truck and bits and pieces of plastic and metal are launched in a thousand different directions. I can’t feel anything but my heartbeat. It slams into my ribs over and over again. My scream continues to fill my ears, sounding like an echo. I fall on my knees next to Sean’s crumpled body. I watched him skid when he hit the ground. I saw the way his neck moved, the way his helmet bounced against the cement like a stone. I’m next to him, calling his name, trying to pull up his visor, trying to see if he’s all right. But I know he’s not. I already know he can’t be.
My mind replays the events and terror fills my veins. He saw the truck. It would have hit me. Sean saw the truck and did this on purpose.
He saved me.
I scream at Sean, calling his name, but he doesn’t move. His black jacket and gloves are shredded. There’s blood dripping from inside his helmet. I try to unfasten the chinstrap, but I can’t get it. I’m shaking so badly. I keep saying his name, telling him that it’ll be all right.
My hands are on his chest, but I’m scared. I’m so scared that I’ve lost him. I don’t understand how he could do this. I don’t understand him at all, and now that chance is gone.
People race around us. Suddenly, I’m not alone. Lights flash around me, bright red and white. They try to take me away from Sean, but I won’t go. They pull me from him and force me into the back of an ambulance. The world rushes by in a blur of sounds and colors. There are too many people and not enough cars on the road. Police and paramedics are there. One minute I was alone and the next they were there, trying to tell me to leave Sean’s side. They made promises that I’ve heard before, promises that a person can’t possibly keep. They say he’ll be fine, but I saw Sean fall and I know.
Memories of the past and the present collide together. I can’t even blink anymore. Hands force me down onto a gurney and I lean back. A woman is above me, speaking soothingly, but my heart pounds too hard to hear her.
Finally, her voice cuts through the buzzing in my mind. It’s my name, she says my name. The woman smiles at me and dabs my brow with a cloth. “You’re hurt, Avery. Let us help you and everything will be okay. Take some deep breaths for me.” She speaks with authority, like she knows me. I don’t remember telling anyone my name, but she knows it.
I nod slowly and stop fighting them. I’m so tense, so scared. I don’t know what will happen. Tears fall from the corners of my eyes and they won’t stop. I don’t sob or scream anymore. They ask me what hurts and I can’t tell them, because I don’t understand what’s happening to me. One moment I’m fine. One moment I’ve decide to walk away from Sean, to cut him out of my life, but then he does this.
“He saved me,” I manage to say. The ambulance is moving and I don’t even remember when the doors closed. The woman looks down at me. There are other faces watching, people I don’t recognize.
“Everything will be all right. Believe that.” The way she says it makes my head hurt. Suddenly, I can feel things again. My palms burn and it feels like someone cracked my skull open with a bat. It throbs in a way that I’ve never known. I wince and they add some clear bag to the IV that someone put in my hand.
The rest of the night passes in a blur. I’m sent to the emergency room. People ask questions and I try to answer. I keep asking about Sean, but no one will tell me. I haven’t even seen him, yet. He arrived right before me is all they will say. I have this horrible sinking feeling in my chest. I’m drowning, unable to stop.
“Miss Stanz?” a voice says before entering behind my curtain. They’ve already tended to me. I have a few scrapes on my face and some stitches in my forehead. I’m lucky. I glance up at her. My hands still shake. My throat aches and I can’t speak. “Here are your boyfriend’s things. He doesn’t have an emergency contact or a next of kin on his file,” she explains to me, then hands me his torn jacket and busted up helmet. It feels like someone is squeezing my heart.
I take the items and hold them tightly. The nurse slips away and I wrap Sean’s jacket around me. Something inside the lapel pokes me. I reach my hand in and pull out an envelope. It’s the one he was trying to give me. Sniffling, I pull it out and look at it. Running my thumb over the paper, I expect it to be smooth, but it’s not. There’s something else in there.
I open the envelope and look inside. There between the envelope and the cash, is a silver glittering necklace and a note. My lower lip trembles as I pull out my mother’s necklace. I flip open the note.
I know how much this means to you. I wish I could show you what you mean to me. I messed up, Avery. You’ll never know how sorry I am, how much I wish I hadn’t said those words. -Sean
I clutch the note to my chest and feel too much. I always feel too much. Horror slips over me, choking me until I can’t breathe. Slowly, I fall onto my side, holding his note to my chest like it’s a lifeline, like it can change everything.
Memories flash through my mind from the night my parent’s died. It was chaos, like this. It was pain and agony, laced with shock and shadows. I couldn’t process what was happening, but now I know it—I feel it. My world is caving in. My life is being torn apart again and it’s my fault.
This is my fault.
If I’d let him speak, if I didn’t keep running away from him, this wouldn’t have happened. And it kills me, because that’s the point—this was preventable. If I’d spoken to Sean, I wouldn’t have driven into the intersection. I wouldn’t have run the light. I wouldn’t have made Sean cut in front of me. I wouldn’t have made him fall. Images of his body hitting the ground play through my mind. They don’t stop and I know they never will.
I close my eyes for a moment and curl into a ball. Machines beep behind me. The IV in my hand aches. My whole body aches, but
sleep paws at me anyway. The medicine makes me tired. I hear their voices around me.
“She finally drifted off.”
“Poor thing. She’s been hysterical for…”
And then there’s nothing but blackness.
* * *
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11
Strange dreams plague me. Memories are tangled up in older memories. Everything is so convoluted that I don’t know what’s real. Time no longer exists. I can’t feel my head, although I know it was throbbing a few moments ago. To make things stranger, my parents are talking to me. They tell me it’s all right. They look exactly the same way they did the last time I saw them. My mom has her gold cross around her neck. The light catches it, and it grows brighter.
The scene shifts. There’s no floor or walls. Only darkness. I blink over and over again, trying to focus on something. My skin prickles as if someone is looking at me. When my eyes adjust, I can see the outline of a familiar form. He comes into focus. Sean’s blue gaze meets mine from across the room. My heart thumps hard. I want to walk to him, but my feet won’t move. Sean says nothing. He stands there like a ghost, flickering in and out of focus. The haunted expression I’ve seen so many times is still etched onto his face. It’s like there are things that he wants to say, but he doesn’t move. He doesn’t try to come to me.
I don’t know how long it lasts. It feels painful. Neither of us can move. There are so many things to say, but neither of us speaks. The silence is deafening. Then he walks toward me.
Sean’s voice is a whisper of music. It’s too soft to be heard, but I hear it. His hand strokes my cheek and soothing words fall from his lips. I love you, Avery. I’m so sorry I never told you.