by Ward, H. M.
What am I doing here? What is it that I want from this man? He’s messed up beyond comprehension, and for some reason I’m standing on his doorstep. My hand lingers by the door. Thinking swiftly, I decide that I just want to see Sean. I need to know that he’s alive. My knuckles wrap against the wood twice and then I drop my hand to my side.
When the door is pulled open, my heart drops into my shoes. Sean is standing there bleary-eyed. His shirt is open, revealing some nasty bruises on his skin. “Avery,” he breathes my name, surprised to see me. “What are you doing here?”
My lips part to say something, but I can’t speak. Marty walks up behind me and produces Sean’s jacket. “She wanted to bring you back your stuff. The hospital gave it to her.” I smile at Marty, grateful. I don’t know where my courage went, but it’s gone. I don’t like the look in Sean’s eye. I take Sean’s jacket and remove the envelope before handing him the beat up leather.
Sean stares at Marty with venom in his eyes, before his gaze shifts back to me. Sean takes the jacket and says, “Come in.” I nod and walk past him, into the hotel room. Marty remains in the hall way, but Sean doesn’t leave it alone. “You too, get in here.”
Marty tenses. He gives me a look that lets me know that he really can’t stand Sean. The door closes behind us and Marty crosses the room to look out a window. I know he’s trying to give me space, but Sean’s watching Marty like he’s a threat.
I step toward Sean, saying, “How are you all right? After you fell, you didn’t move. I couldn’t feel you breathing.” My eyes are as big as saucers and they start to burn. The expression Sean gives me is unreadable, cold.
“I wasn’t. The wind got knocked out of me when I fell. I couldn’t say anything. The helmet and jacket saved my skin. It’s armored. I have a gash on my leg where my jeans got shredded, but the rest of me is fine.” Sean’s lips barely move when he says fine. It’s like he’s saying that he’s anything but fine.
I nod. My pulse is pounding in my ears and my skin is prickling with sweat. I lift the letter between my fingers. Dread fills me, making it difficult to breathe. “I found this in your things.”
He stares at me. “And you read it?”
I nod. “I didn’t know what happened to you. When I saw my name on the envelope, I…” my voice trails off. What am I doing here? Sean obviously doesn’t want to see me.
“Did you give the money to Black?”
“Yeah, I did.” Sean nods slowly. His eyes keep flicking up toward the spot where Marty is standing, looking out the window. I hold up the letter again. Sean looks at the paper and then at me. “What about this?”
“What about it?” Sean holds my gaze. He almost seems defiant and I don’t understand why. After a moment, he turns away. His face pinches slightly and he has a slight limp when he steps away from me.
Anger flashes through my veins. A million thoughts collide inside my mind and explode out my mouth. “What about it? Oh, I don’t know. Was it true? Did you just write it so we’re even and you could give me back the money I threw in your face? Or was it something else?” I want to scream at him, but I don’t. Instead, I take a slow breath in and when I look up from under my brow, I catch his eyes. “Tell me the truth. How do you feel about me? Man up and say it, instead of cowering behind silence.”
Marty has turned. I can feel his eyes on my back, but he remains by the window.
Sean seems so detached, like he doesn’t care about me one way or the other. “Actions speak louder than words, don’t they? Add it up, Avery.”
I know what he’s saying. Sean is denying he has any feelings for me at all. “Bullshit. You’re a coward. Your actions ring so goddamn loud that they’re constantly gonging in my head. You threw yourself under a truck for me. Then, you ditched me. You stormed out the hospital without even checking on me!”
I shove his chest because Sean is no longer meeting my gaze. His face is turned to the side, like I’ve slapped his cheek. My heart feels hollowed out. Why won’t he tell me? Desperation fills me like a storm. It violently tears away all rational thought until I’m close to tears.
Sean runs his hand through his dark hair and looks over his shoulder at Marty. “Take her home. Play house. Do whatever it is that you two do.” Sean walks toward the door and holds it open.
My jaw drops. I glance back at Marty who is giving Sean the nastiest look I’ve ever seen. When I glance at Sean, I see it. He thinks Marty and I are an item. I step in front of Sean and tug his shirtfront hard, pulling his face closer to mine. “Marty’s a friend, you idiot, and right now he’s a better friend than you are.” I shove past Sean to walk out the door, but he catches my hand. I look back at him, ready to bite his head off, but the expression on his face stops me.
“Wait…” Sean’s voice trails off as he looks away.
Marty is behind me. I know he wants to leave, but my feet freeze. The plea in Sean’s voice holds me in place. His fingers are wrapped around my wrist, which makes my stomach do summersaults. My spine stiffens.
I try to push the sensations away. I’m tired of playing games. I don’t know what I expected of Sean, but this isn’t it. “No, I’m done with this. You can’t even tell me why you left. Your frickin’ leg is bleeding through your jeans. You left the hospital without even letting them patch you up. You left me behind. I can’t do this anymore. I’m done.” I’m so weary. I just want to leave. My mistakes are crushing me. Coming here was a mistake. I shake my head and try to pull away, but Sean doesn’t let go.
Something changes. I sense it and look up at him. “I’ll tell you. Stay and I’ll tell you.” Sean’s eyes meet mine and I feel my resolve flake off and blow away.
I glance at Marty. He rolls his eyes and heads out the door. Before leaving he turns back to me. “Some things are beyond your control, Avery, but other things—” Marty shakes his head, “other heartache is completely preventable.” Marty narrows his eyes at Sean, in a hateful glare, waits half a beat, and leaves.
Dread runs down my spine. Why does it feel like I just made a huge mistake?
14
When the door closes, Sean seems stiff. I wonder if he aches as much as I do. I wonder if it feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest one too many times. I don’t understand him. I don’t know why he keeps running hot and cold. I have emotional whiplash and I’m too tired to deal with it.
When Sean doesn’t say anything, I move to the door and reach out for the handle. “Listen, my ride is leaving and I’m too tired for this. If you don’t—”
Sean makes an exasperated sound and drags his palms over his face. “What, you think I can just come out and say it?”
Looking over my shoulder, I answer, “Yeah. Say something or I’m gone.”
For a moment I’m nervous that Sean won’t tell me, that he’ll let me leave. I don’t want things to end like this, but he has to at least try to talk to me. I can’t take living this way anymore. I’m in love with him and it kills me that I can’t even tell if he likes me. I let out an annoyed sound and yank open the door.
Just as I’m about to walk through, Sean speaks. “I don’t like hospitals. They upset me. A lot. I ran out before they could work on me, but I did see you. I came into your room.”
Turning slowly, I look at him. Sean’s shoulders are slumped, his jaw is covered in day-old scruff, and he isn’t looking at me. My hand rests on the handle. “I don’t remember seeing you. I thought you were dead.” The last sentence is barely a whisper.
Anxiety that I didn’t have time to deal with before rears its head and I feel unstable. I want to yell, scream, and cry. I want to bang my fists into his chest and have him pull me into his arms and tell me that everything will be all right, but I can’t break down like that. I don’t have the luxury.
Sean’s lips part. He breathes for a moment, like it pains him. When his blue gaze meets mine, I know he’s lost in his past. I recognize the look in his eye. I’ve seen it in the mirror too many times to count. He runs his hand throu
gh his hair and down his neck. “You were sedated when I found you. I would have taken you with me, but your friend chased me off.” Sean’s eyes dart to the open door.
“Marty?”
He nods. “It’s none of my business what you do with your life, but that guy wants you.” Sean slips his hands into his pockets.
My jaw drops. I make some strangled sounds before sputtering out, “He’s gay! Marty’s gay! You are so far off base that you don’t even know what you’re talking about.” I want to laugh because it seems insane, but I don’t. Sean’s serious.
He shrugs. “It doesn’t matter. That look is still there. The way he ran me off spoke volumes.”
“You’re wrong. Marty’s as into me sexually as Mel is. There’s nothing between me and either one of them, so stop making excuses. Why’d you run?”
Sean sighs and looks up at the ceiling. After a second, he says, “Close the door. I’ll have a car take you home when you want to leave.” I don’t like the way he’s talking to me, but I let the door shut and step into the room. I fold my arms over my chest and wait.
Sean doesn’t look at me when he speaks. “Hospitals give me a great deal of anxiety.”
“That’s not an answer.”
Sean glances up at me. His eyes are cold and hard. They could cut through metal. I flinch. “Let me finish. I won’t say it twice.” I swallow hard and sit down on a chair next to the table by the door. Sean paces as he talks. There’s a slight limp when he steps. His hands remain in his pockets.
He stares straight ahead, not looking at me. “It’s not hospitals in general, it’s that hospital. That’s where I lost them. Being in the same place, standing in the same rooms, was too much. I’d rather leave and die on the sidewalk than stay in that place.” Each word is loaded with emotion, pulled from the depths of his soul.
I don’t know what to say. I want to make him feel better, but nothing I say will remove the memory from his mind.
And now I know what happened to the baby. He said them. He must have lost his wife and baby at the same time. I press my lips together tightly. No wonder why he’s emotionally repressed. Losing one person is hard enough, but losing two is an unfathomable amount of pain. My parents’ deaths were hard enough. I can’t image losing a spouse and a child.
When Sean looks up at me, I can’t hide the pity in my eyes. “Don’t look at me like that. You don’t understand what happened.”
“Then tell me.”
He laughs. It sounds so bitter and broken. I know he feels hollowed out inside. I feel the same way. His words are sharp. “If baring my soul was cathartic, I would have done it already.”
I fold my hands in my lap. “Then maybe you’re doing it wrong.”
Sean gives me a look. “Reliving the past doesn’t change the present.”
“It made you who you are. And it would sure as hell help me figure out what the hell is going on inside your head.”
He smirks. “You really don’t want to go in there.”
“How could you throw yourself in front of a truck for me, and then leave? I know you said Marty tossed you out, but Sean…” As I speak, he steps closer and closer to my chair. The look in his eyes changes from defensive to something that makes my skin tingle. My stomach tightens. Sean stops in front of me. He looks down at my hands. He takes one and threads our fingers together before lowering himself to his knees.
Sean looks at our fingers. “You don’t want to know everything. Trust me.”
“How can I, when you act like this? I don’t know why—” He rubs the back of my hand with his thumbs. His eyes are locked with mine. I want to throw myself into his arms so badly.
“This is who I am. I’m not a good catch, Avery. I’m fucked up. You know that. You know me well enough to see it. I don’t pretend to be something I’m not. No amount of talking will fix anything I’ve done. No amount of explaining will justify my choices. There’s no reason for you to be here. There’s nothing left that’s worth saving.” Sean buries his face in my lap and holds onto me like he’s drowning and I’m the only one who can save him.
Bleary-eyed, I stare straight ahead with my mouth hanging open. Words won’t come. I run my fingers through his hair, gently. I rub my hands over his shoulders and neck, wishing that I could ease some of his pain. We sit like that. It feels like half the night passes before he looks up at me.
When he finally does, Sean stands and takes my hand. He pulls me to my feet and over to the bed. We crawl under the covers and hold each other until sleep finally comes.
15
I wake up the next morning with a bitching headache. I stretch and instantly regret it. I blink a few times and remember where I am. There’s an arm across my middle. I smile and look over at Sean. He’s awake, watching me.
“I’m not letting you go,” he says. There are bruises on his face, but most are under the stubble.
I smile. “Then give me a reason to stay.” I roll onto my side and Sean pulls us together. My heart pounds harder. I can feel every curve of his ripped body against me.
Sean lowers his head and presses his lips to my neck. I shiver and hold my breath. “I shouldn’t.” He kisses my neck again. His lips slip over my skin, and his tongue evokes a slew of sensations that shoot through my body.
“Sean,” I moan his name and push him away. “We can’t…”
But Sean doesn’t stay away. Instead, he comes on stronger with delicious, delicate touches that make me close my eyes and beg for more. Then, he abruptly stops. “Alright, we can stop.” He’s grinning at me. Sean’s made me all hot and bothered and then stopped.
I shove him and laugh, “You suck.”
“I tried, but you said no.” He gives me a crooked grin and sits up. He still has that rumpled shirt on with the front hanging open. Sean kicks the covers off and stands.
“How’s your leg?”
“Better. Everything is better today.” Sean turns back to the bed and says, “Pretend with me for a while?” He holds out his hand for me, but I don’t take it.
“What do you mean?”
“We can’t have a relationship because of your job and because of—well, me and my preferences—but we can pretend for a moment, for a shower, that we’re normal people. I can help you get dressed. Help you scrub off in the shower, you know, normal things that normal people do.” Sean looks hopeful. His voice is so soft and sweet.
“You want me to take a shower with you?” He nods. “Because it’s not a violation of Black’s contract and because it’s not that weird kind of sex you like?”
He pulls me to his feet. “Because we’re both dirty and need to get dressed. Stop over thinking it. If the idea of rubbing soap over my stomach appeals to you, then follow me. If you’d rather get dressed by yourself, then wait your turn. I won’t be long.” He drops my hand and walks across the room and disappears into the bathroom.
My gaze follows after him. I want to go. My fingertips are actually tingling, thinking about touching him, but it’s such a stupid idea. I shouldn’t. Irritation shoots through me.
I storm across the room and barge in, saying, “You can’t say things like that and then—” The words die in my mouth. Sean is half naked and peeling off his pants. My eyes run over his body, over the bruises and cuts that are there because of me. “You don’t play fair,” I choke out.
Sean grins. “Neither do you.” He walks over to me and slips his hands around my waist. He tugs my hips so they line up against his naked body. “Are you going to join me or watch?”
My face flames red. Watch? I can’t watch! What kind of person watches. Holy crap. I mill it over and realize that I’d like to watch him—no, love to watch him and his naked body in the shower. The thought jars me. I try to pull away, but he holds me tighter.
Sean grins, realizing what he did. “Ah, so you have a little bit of a voyeur thing going on?”
“No,” I gasp, way too flushed. “I do not.”
Sean looks down at my chest and then back at my face
. “Mmm. Too bad. I think that’s beyond sexy.” My eyes dart anywhere and everywhere, trying to avoid his gaze. “You look a little bit guilty for someone who’s telling the truth.” The only thing he’s wearing is a sexy smirk. I can see it out of the corner of my eye as he teases me.
My heart is pounding so fast inside my chest that it’s going to explode. I glance at his shoulder, to avoid his eyes. “Guilt? This isn’t guilt.”
Sean tilts my chin up and our eyes meet. The floor of my stomach drops and I’m in a free fall. “Then what is it?”
I don’t answer. I can’t answer. I have no idea what types of sexual things I like or what I’d do. Up until now, I’ve done what Sean wanted. If I liked it, bonus, but I’ve never noticed something like this. I feel exposed and want to shy away, but Sean won’t let me. We stare at each other for too long, letting the silence build. His eyes drift to my lips, but he doesn’t move or release me.
I feel like I’m breathing too much. I feel like I’m drowning, but I don’t want to come up for air. Sean inches closer to my lips. He hesitates there for a moment, before leaning in and taking my bottom lip between his teeth. He nips me and then drops his hands to my hips. I suck in a startled breath and allow him to move me backwards.
Sean sits me down on a little bench in front of a mirror. He looks me in the eye before he does it. Neither of us speaks. Sean’s finger finds the button on my jeans. He undoes the zipper and tugs them down and pulls them off. I’m sitting in front of him in a tee shirt and panties.
Sean steps away and walks to the shower. It’s directly across from me. He turns it on. Before stepping inside, he says, “Fingers between your legs, Miss Smith. Do what comes naturally. I’ll leave the door open so you can see whatever entices you.”
It feels like someone threw a bucket of ice water on me. I dart upright in the seat, “Sean, I can’t—”
But he doesn’t listen. “Yes, you can. And I think you’ll like it, and I sure as hell know that I will.” Then, Sean winks at me and steps into the shower.