by E. M. Moore
I’m too committed to fail.
Mom and Dad, though they’re sitting separately, are both standing in the front row, giving me a standing ovation. In their eyes is all the satisfaction I’ve ever needed. My dad wipes at his eyes, overcome with emotion, and my mom is practically bouncing on her toes. I know what my father must see. Himself.
And maybe I am a little bit him. But I’m me too.
Tessa fucking Dale.
31
We won.
We killed them.
We fucking owned that team.
We’re all in the middle of the court celebrating after shaking hands with the opposing team when a policeman walks onto the court. I only notice him when he pulls Coach Bradley aside.
I stop smiling. I stop jumping. I stop hugging my teammates. We all do.
Ryan is the first to break free from the group, followed by Sloan and Alec. My chest is still heaving from the exhilaration of having won, but I follow behind them. We’re too late to hear anything that’s said. The sheriff tips his hat to Coach, and then we’re all ushered into the locker room. I keep trying to get a full-on view of Coach’s face, but I keep missing it. All I see is his strong chin. As soon as we’re settled into the locker room, Coach pulls a chair into the center of the room. Ryan can barely control himself. “Was that about Lake? Where is he?”
My dad nudges the locker room door open as Coach says, “Lake overdosed this evening. He’s in Memorial’s ICU.”
“He’s…alive?” I ask, my voice rushing out of me with the thousand questions I have.
Coach nods.
“Do they think he’ll be okay?” Alec asks.
Coach nods again. “They do. Let’s bend our heads in a moment of silence for our troubled teammate.”
The moment of silence doesn’t last long, but it is profound. As soon as Coach raises his head, Ryan jumps to his feet. He goes right for my dad. “I have to see him.”
Dad doesn’t hesitate. “Let’s get your mom. Tessa?”
I’m already there. I’m right beside them.
Dad calls out, “We’re headed to the hospital. We have room for one more.”
Hayes jumps up then. I knew he would. I can’t quite make out the emotion on his face. Sloan and Alec tell us they’ll meet us there. It takes me a moment to kind of recognize the look on the Ballers’ faces. It’s panic. It’s worry and distraught. It looks like they’re losing someone all over again.
While Dad gets Leslie, I run to Mom and tell her what’s going on and that I’m going with Dad. Mom blinks rapidly before saying, “Of course. Go!”
I run back to Dad, and then we’re all jogging out of Timothy Dale Court and toward my father’s vehicle. On the way, I hold Ryan’s hand. He squeezes mine. We don’t talk at all, but he knows I’m there for him. Leslie looks around, peppering Ryan with questions, and even then, he doesn’t let go and I know she sees us. Hayes has a hold of my other hand, which I know she can’t see because he’s seated behind her. She doesn’t react, just stares at our entwined hands before lifting her gaze back up to Ryan. He tells her the truth. Everything. He tells her we knew he was on pills, but that he never thought it would get this bad.
When my dad parks the car in the lot, everyone goes to get out, but I reach out and squeeze my dad’s shoulder. My previously injured wrist feels strong. The sweat that had been dripping down my neck is dry, making me chill in the air conditioning. “I need to talk to you, Dad,” I tell him.
“Now?” he asks, surprised.
“Yeah, now,” I say, my voice hard.
I know he’ll understand in a minute, but I also don’t want to ask him in front of Leslie. This is between me, him, and the boy within the ICU’s walls, except Lake can’t ask my dad right now. So, I’ll have to be his voice.
Ryan squeezes my hand one last time and then the rest of them leave. Dad turns in his seat, “What is it, Tessa?”
I swallow. It’s so hard to ask this. I’d been riding the hump, so I place my feet on it and then my elbows on my knees to hold my head. I pull my fingers through my hair. “I need to ask you something, and I need you to be honest with me.”
He nods. “Of course, Pumpkin. What is it?”
I blow out a breath. Once I hear this answer, I can’t unhear it. “Lake is under the impression that you…could be his father.”
Dad’s gaze widens, then his pupils dilate.
“Is there truth to that, Dad? Did you sleep with his mom while you were trying to have me?”
His mouth opens. Then closes. Then it opens again. “Oh, Tessa honey.” He pales. “I’ve had sex with Lake’s mother, yes. Once. It was a mistake. Your mother and I were under so much stress when it came to trying to conceive you. We couldn’t get pregnant, and we wanted you so, so badly. We got into a huge argument, and I turned to Lake’s mom for comfort.”
My stomach lurches.
“It’s not one of my prouder moments. Here was this woman who was just so carefree. She wasn’t anything like what I was dealing with back at home, and I made a mistake.”
“You seem to make a lot of those,” I say, voice harsh.
“She was the only time.”
Seriously? “Leslie?” I ask pointedly.
“Your mom and I were having problems before I met Leslie.”
I roll my eyes. It’s not the time to get into this with him though. “Lake, Dad. What about Lake?”
“I swear if he’s my son, I don’t know anything about it. I never talked to Lake’s mom after that. She was married, I was married. When we saw each other, we just acted like nothing happened. It meant nothing to me. Why does he think he’s my son?”
I take a deep breath. “I can only tell you what he told me.” I swallow. “His mom, I guess, died years ago. Before she died, she confessed to her sister, Lake’s aunt, that she’d had sex with you and that she believed Lake was yours. That’s all I know, and as far as I know, that’s all he knows. That’s why he hates me, Dad. He hates me because he thinks he should’ve had the life I do.”
Dad buries his head in his hands and shakes it. “You know me, Pumpkin. If I’m wrong, I fess up to it. If she’d told me, I would’ve done the right thing by Lake. I would’ve told your mom. I would’ve been in his life. If she thought I was the father, she never tried to tell me about it.”
With how broken up he is right now, I believe him. I lean forward. “We have to do something about this, Dad. We have to figure out whether you’re his father or not.”
“I’ll handle it,” he says. “I’ll do something.” He wipes a hand down his jaw, pulling himself together.
The two of us get out of the car, but it feels like there are two cement blocks tied to our feet. The fact that both of us might have something to do with the fact that Lake can’t control himself is almost unbelievable. Over the days since I found out, I’ve brought up pictures of my father and Lake, trying to see if I find any similarities in appearance. I even went so far as to pull out pictures of my dad from when he was a kid. I don’t see it, but I know that doesn’t mean anything.
“I’m just a man,” Dad says right before we get to the hospital entrance. “I’ve tried to be your hero since you were little, Tess, and it breaks my heart that you’re seeing me in another light. I always wanted to be your hero.”
I stop him inside the doors. There are tears in the corners of his eyes. I know my dad’s done shit that hurt me, that hurt Mom, but that doesn’t change the way I feel about him. “Dad, I love you. Even heroes stumble.”
He swallows, takes my hand without a word, and we walk up to the ICU to join Ryan, Leslie, and Hayes, and pretty much every other Warrior basketball player in a sea of red shirts and jerseys. After a moment, my dad takes Leslie aside, and I’m sure he’s telling her about Lake. I don’t know what she’ll think about this, but I take the opportunity to tell the guys while we’re all in the waiting room what my dad said.
While they’re taking in the information, a nurse enters the room. She looks out at all
the people gathered there. Some are sitting on the ground, some curled up on their sides, heads resting against the backs of the uncomfortable chairs. “I need to see Ryan, Hayes, Sloan, and Alec, please.”
The guys all jump up. All four of them have been going out of their mind with worry. My heart trips as I watch them walk up to the nurse. I just told my dad that heroes can stumble. I wonder if assholes can rise above. I wonder if this can be Lake’s tipping point.
The nurse takes them around the corner. My leg bobs up and down in their absence, and when Dad and Leslie come back, I tell them the guys got called back. Leslie wipes at her eyes, but I know not all of that can be from what Dad’s just told her. She was crying before then too. Lake was Ryan’s best friend. She’s probably known him since he was a kid.
While we’re still waiting to hear something, Leslie turns toward me. “Tessa, can I ask you a question?”
“Um, sure.”
She inches closer and lowers her voice. “Is something going on between you and Ryan?”
A clog works its way into my throat. I knew she saw us holding hands. I knew she would have thoughts about that. Ryan and I have already discussed that we should say something and since he’s currently in Lake’s hospital room, hopefully talking to his friend that OD’d, I can deal with this question. “Yes,” I tell her. Then I look up at my dad. “Ryan and I like each other. I’ve liked him for a long time.”
Leslie looks up at Dad, then back at me. “I wish you would’ve said something.”
I rub my hands down my thighs. “It was kind of awkward,” I tell her honestly. “We didn’t know if you were going to make us stepbrother and stepsister.” I try to say it as a joke, but it falls flat because I realize they probably will, and that’s just something I don’t want to deal with right now.
She gives me a small smile “We’ll discuss this later.” She taps my hand though. “I’m happy for the both of you. I used to wonder if anyone else could deal with how driven Ryan is and then I met you. I always wondered why you two weren’t friends, and I guess I have my answer.”
“Lake hates me,” I tell her, looking up at her through my eyelashes. “Because he didn’t like me, he got Ryan and the rest of them not to like me either.”
“Lake doesn’t hate you,” Leslie says, lowering her voice even further. “He’s jealous. If it’s true, he has a right to be. I don’t know what the future will bring, Tessa, but I know that it’s not you he hates. When kids grow up the way Lake did, it’s usually themselves that they hate because they think the person they want in their life the most doesn’t want them. Trust me on this one, okay?”
Tears gather in her eyes, but then she looks away. A lot is coming together for me now where Leslie is concerned. She’ll never replace my mother, but I don’t dislike her anymore.
Little by little, the crowd thins. It’s hours before the Ballers come back out, bringing Mr. O’Brien and River with them. Their faces are solemn. It’s Ryan who approaches my dad. “He wants to see you.”
Holy shit.
My stomach tumbles over itself. Mr. O’Brien completely ignores my dad as he walks by him, but their faces say everything. They know. As soon as my dad walks around the corner, Ryan confirms it for me. Lake confessed to everything while they were in there after Mr. O’Brien kept asking why. He’s so jittery that I can tell it must’ve been intense. I don’t know how it’s going to go with my dad, but for their sake, if they are father and son, I hope they talk things through. I don’t need a relationship with Lake, but it seems like Lake might need one with him.
Hayes sits down next to me and pulls my head to his chest. “Rest, Tessa. Nothing’s going to happen for a while.”
Leslie looks from Hayes to Ryan, her face screwed up into a frown. I look at Ryan knowing he’s going to have to explain this one to her. I fielded the dating question, he can handle this one.
32
We’re on the way home from a game when Alec tucks me into his side on the posh Baller bus. I guess it’s my bus now, too. He’s been playing way more than he would like. Mostly because the five of us out there are fire together. I didn’t know what it would be like to play with them after we all started a relationship together, but it’s been great for all of our games. Even though Coach would love to leave Alec in there longer, he’s respected his wishes and hasn’t played him for longer than half a game. In the long run, it’s a great move. This way the upcoming Power Forward that’s going to take over after we all graduate this year gets a lot of playing time. I’m sure Coach is probably freaking out that his starters are all Seniors. His entire starting lineup won’t be around next year, so he’ll have to break in an all new team. I know he can do it. He’s a tremendous coach.
“You heard from Lake today?” I ask as his fingers make circles on my shoulders.
Alec sniffs my hair, taking in my freshly shampooed strands. “Yeah, I talked to him earlier.”
“He doing okay?”
“Better,” Alec says. “He likes the facility he’s in.”
I swallow. Lakeview is a retreat for addicts. My dad’s paid for Lake to go there to get himself straight. The school has agreed to let him do homework remotely until he can come back to regular school. The docs he has there are optimistic that he won’t have to stay for long. He should be back to at least hit the end of the basketball season. “That’s good.”
Alec clears his throat. “He told me they should be getting the results back any day now.”
My throat feels scratchy all of a sudden. Lake and Dad together decided they should get a DNA test done to decide if Lake is really his. They talked at the hospital that night about the possibility that he was. My dad’s been pretty quiet about all of it. All I know is that if Lake is his, he’ll do what’s right. I would expect nothing less from him.
Lake’s father isn’t happy about it. In fact, I think he was pretty hard on Lake when he found out why he took too many pills that night on purpose. His dad is certain that Lake is his. Ryan told me Mr. O’Brien seems pretty shook up about the whole thing. He had no idea it was even a possibility that Lake wasn’t his and is adamantly against the test. Lake’s doctors are the ones who told Lake he should get it done if he really felt the need.
Hell, I can’t blame him for that. I would feel the need. I can’t imagine not knowing who my parents are.
“Do you think you’ll want to be there when they find out?”
“Me?” I squeak. I shake my head automatically. “No. No way. I’m sure they won’t want me there anyway.”
“But if your dad is his dad, you and Lake will be brother and sister.”
I laugh at that. I know that by blood we’ll be brother and sister, but there’s very little actual possibility that Lake and I would ever be brother and sister. “He hates me, remember?”
Alec runs a hand through his hair. His deep green eyes are thoughtful when he says, “He says he wants to talk to you, you know.”
This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this. He told Ryan the same thing, and Sloan, too. Hayes has talked to Lake as well, but he’s the only one who hasn’t been up there to see him. They’ve talked on the phone and via text when Lake is allowed to have phone time, but Hayes doesn’t want to see him at a rehab center, no matter how low key it is. “I’ll talk to him when he’s ready,” I tell Alec.
“I think it’s actually a part of his healing,” Alec says. “It’s like the step program for alcoholics. He’s supposed to talk to the people he’s wronged the most. Your name came up.”
I can’t imagine why. As soon as I think it, I frown. If I put myself in Lake’s shoes, I can understand why he was a dick. I’m not saying I deserved any of it, but I can understand things from his point of view. That’s all. “If it’ll help,” I say, shrugging.
Alec lifts his head away from me and stares into my face. “Come on, babe,” he says, his brows lifting. “You can’t expect me to believe that you’re fine with all of this.”
My jaw locks down. Lake tried to
take his own life. A cry for help. There’s no way I’m going to say shit about how I’m feeling right now. I’m not in danger of doing anything to myself. I don’t want my dad to be Lake’s dad though.
I take a deep breath.
That’s the truth.
If he is, it’ll be another betrayal added to the list. Except for this one was years in the making. Years that he kept hidden that he turned his back on my mom. And if he fathered Lake in the process, it’s as if he turned his back on me too.
But if I say all that, I’m the bitch. Right? I can’t tell everyone that I think the guy who tried to hurt himself shouldn’t have a dad like mine. He’s my dad. End of story.
“Hey,” Alec says, shifting his shoulder closer to mine. “Talk to me.”
“There’s nothing to say.”
“Bullshit.”
I turn my head and glare at him.
His gaze narrows. “You’ve been quiet this whole time. None of us are buying your pacificity, Tessa. We’re just waiting for you to explode. Lake wasn’t nice to you. He was downright nasty to you. You must have some thoughts on being his sister.”
“Possibly being his sister,” I correct. I’m not ready to say it’s a definite yet. In fact, I’ve been lying on my bed at night, staring through the ceiling to whatever is beyond, and wishing that Lake won’t become a member of my family.
How horrible does that sound? I can’t utter that to anyone. Especially not now that my Ballers are trying to reach out to Lake again. The guilt in their eyes tears me apart because I know that I was the reason they weren’t there for him to begin with. Maybe he wouldn’t have felt the need to do that to himself if he still had them around.
Alec touches my cheek. “You want to know what I think?”
Not really. “Sure.”
“I think,” he says, his lips a thin line. “I think you’re struggling, and you don’t want to say anything. I think you feel bad for Lake, yet you don’t like him at the same time.” He places his finger under my chin and tips my face to look at him. “Can’t you see that we’re all struggling with the same thing, Tessa? Lake did some shitty stuff. Maybe he doesn’t deserve our well wishes, maybe he does. We don’t have to forgive him for what he’s done to hope that he gets better.”