Vicious Cycle

by Katie Ashley

  “I’m going to cut you free now.” She eyed him warily, but she didn’t try to move away. Rev sawed at the bindings that held her to the kitchen light fixture. When she was free, he eased her arms down, rubbing them to help the blood flow back into them. “Will you let me cut the gag now?”

  Slowly, she nodded her head. He reached behind her and sliced the cloth. He peeled it gently away from her mouth. Tenderly, he rubbed her cheeks, which were lined red where the gag had been. “Go get her a blanket, B,” Rev instructed.

  Bishop nodded and disappeared into the living room. Now that she was down and being comforted by Rev, I dipped my head under the water to wash away the blood. I was only halfway through rinsing my face and hair when I heard Alex scream my name. I jerked up, water cascading down my back. “Deacon!” she cried again.

  I didn’t even bother with a towel. All I cared about was getting to her. When I reached the table, she dove into my arms, pressing her face against my bare chest. “Shh. I’m here. It’s all right,” I said. I tried not to wince as she dug her fingernails into the skin over my shoulder blades. I didn’t think she was going to be satisfied until she had completely climbed into my skin.

  “He wanted to draw you out—he wanted to use me to draw you out so he could hurt you.”

  Pulling back, I stared into her face. “What are you talking about?”

  “The man said his boss wanted to draw you out. That he couldn’t get to Willow, so he had come for me.” Her wild gaze met mine. “Don’t let him get to you, Deacon.” She gripped my shoulders tighter. “Promise me no matter what that you’ll stay safe.”

  “I promise,” I said, fully aware I was lying through my teeth. Now that Sigel had struck against me, there was no way I could promise her I would be safe.

  Bishop returned with the blanket, and I wrapped it around Alex as well as I could before I reached down to grab her up in my arms. As I cradled her to my chest, my gaze swept over to Rev and Bishop. “Will you two get some of her stuff together? Take care of the dog and all this mess. I’m going to get her back to the compound.”

  Bishop nodded while Rev jerked his chin over to where Alex’s attacker remained unconscious. “What about him?”

  My lip curled in disgust. “Case and Mac can get him back to the compound, but no one touches him except me.”

  “Okay,” Rev replied. As I started to the door, I felt Rev’s hand on my back. “Take good care of her, D.”

  Glancing over my shoulder, I took in his agonized expression. Part of it was worry for Alexandra, for me, and for the club. But another part held his own private anguish at the way Alex had called for me, reached for me, as if I were her only way to breathe again. The last strands of her sanity. I knew that had to fucking hurt. But the man was better than I was, always had been. “You have my word.”

  Once I got outside, I found Crazy Ace and an out-of-town member, Sidewinder, waiting by the bikes. “I need one of you guys on escort back to the compound.”

  “You got it,” Sidewinder said. He slid across the seat of his bike as I started down the street to the car. I found an out-of-town prospect standing beside the car, watching over it. He hustled to open up the door for me. When I tried to deposit Alex over in the bucket seat, she gripped my shoulders and molded herself tighter against me.

  “Babe, I gotta drive.”

  Her breath came in frightened pants against my neck. “Don’t let me go, Deacon. I’ll fall apart if you don’t hold me together.”

  Crazy Ace came to my side. He took the keys from my hand and then opened the back door. “I got it, Sarge.”

  “Thanks, man.”

  As best I could with Alex in my arms, I dipped down onto the seat. Once we were inside, Crazy Ace closed the door and then slid behind the steering wheel. As we started down the road, Alex’s silent tears began to fall on my bare chest. Easing her back, I stared into her eyes. “Talk to me, babe.”

  She drew in a ragged breath. “I’m sorry I can’t stop crying. I hurt so bad,” she moaned.

  I knew she had to be in extreme pain from the welts on her body, coupled with the strain of being tied up. I didn’t know what else that fucker had done to her. I didn’t want to think what else he could have done that made her hurt. “I promise the minute we get back to the compound, we’ll get you some drugs.” I brushed the sweatand tear-soaked strands of hair out of her face. “Until then, you fucking cry all you want.”

  My words caused her lips to tremble, and the waterworks started again. I spoke in low tones to her, reminding her of little things about her time with Willow. It seemed to soothe her a little, and her tears had almost stopped by the time we turned onto the familiar road to home.

  When we got back to the compound, Crazy Ace could barely pull into the parking lot for all the people milling around. I’m sure word had spread, and now everyone was on edge. Once he put the car in park, I threw open the door, not caring if it hit anyone who was standing by. When I pulled myself to my feet, Alex cried out at being manhandled to ensure she stayed in my arms. I shoved my way through the crowd, ignoring the questions peppered at me.

  “All right. Get the fuck out of the way. What the hell is wrong with you guys? Give the poor girl some air!” Kim’s voice bellowed behind me. I turned around and gave her a grateful smile. She nodded and then started walking away from the car. Like the iron bitch only she could be, she led the way inside the clubhouse, knocking people aside or smacking them back if they got too close.

  Once we were inside, I hustled Alex back to my room. Thankfully, someone had had the presence of mind to call Breakneck Bob, also known as Dr. Robert Edgeway. He stood outside my room with his medicine case in hand. Breakneck had been an original charter member of the Raiders. At first everyone thought he was just some preppy upstart trying to show he had a pair by riding a motorcycle. But even though he was in medical school and came from one of the finest families in town, Breakneck was the real deal when it came to a biker. He’d patched out several years back, when the hospital threatened his license for being a member of the Raiders. Now he stayed close with the club by being our unofficial club doctor.

  “Hey, man. Glad you could make it,” I said as I swept past him into my room.

  “I’m sorry that I had to be called out for something like this,” he replied. He ducked in behind me, setting his bag on the nightstand.

  Gently, I laid Alexandra down on the bed. When she saw Breakneck, she clawed at me not to let her go. “Easy, now. He’s one of us, but more important, he’s a doctor. He needs to check on your injuries.”

  “Stay with me,” she whispered, clutching my hand.

  I nodded. “I will.”

  Breakneck gave Alex a gentle smile. “My name is Dr. Edgeway, but you can call me Bob. I’m going to take good care of you.”

  His words did little to ease Alexandra. Before he began to examine her, he dug in his bag and produced a bottle and a syringe. “I’m going to give you just a little something for the pain. It will also calm you down.”

  She gave a slight jerk of her head while her eyes remained firmly locked on mine. After the shot, Alex became a little calmer. He went through a bunch of procedures, from shining a light in her eyes to listening to her heartbeat. He examined the cuts and scrapes on her face and chest, proclaiming they would need to be cleaned and disinfected.

  When his fingers came to her bare abdomen, Alex jumped out of her skin. “I’m just palpitating your organs to make sure there’s no internal bleeding.”

  Gritting her teeth, she gripped my hand tighter and tighter. “Looks like you’re okay in that area, but I’m afraid you’ve got a bruised shoulder. I can’t tell for sure without an X-ray machine.”

  “Okay,” I replied.

  “Alex, I have to ask you this to see if I need to further my exam. Were you sexually assaulted tonight?”

  Tears pooled in Alex’s dark eyes, but she shook her head firmly back and forth. I couldn’t help the sigh of relief that escaped my lips. I knew she
had been through hell, being beaten and strung up like she had, but I didn’t think I could bear for her to have been raped because of me.

  “I’ll come by and see how you’re doing in the morning. For tonight, I would advise you get cleaned up and then try to get some rest. I’ll wait outside until you’re ready to sleep, and then I can give you something.”

  “Okay,” Alex murmured.

  Breakneck nodded and then gathered up his case. When he slipped out the door, I turned to Alex. “You want Mama Beth or Kim to help you with a shower?”

  “You. I want you.”

  “Are you sure? I mean, I know we’ve messed around, but I’ll have to see all of you, and you’ve already been through so much tonight.”

  “I need you to take care of me, Deacon.”

  I exhaled a frustrated breath. “Babe, I gotta be honest. I can beat the hell out of the scum who hurt you, but this tender-loving-care shit?” I shook my head. “I ain’t cut out for it.”

  “You’re doing just fine so far.”

  “Fuck.” I grunted before rising up off the side of the bed. Leaning over, I drew her to me, picking her up off the mattress.

  When I got to the door, she yelped in surprise. “Where are you taking me?”

  “To the house.”

  “Okay,” she whispered before ducking her head to my chest.

  Breakneck followed along with us, occasionally stepping in front of me to direct people out of our way. I couldn’t remember the last time the clubhouse had been so packed. But anytime an attack went out on the club in any form, members from all over started to come in.

  Kim fell in step with us as we made the silent journey down the road to Mama Beth’s. I wasn’t surprised to see her standing on the front porch when we walked up. Worry etched across her face as I climbed the stairs.

  Without a word, I walked straight to the bathroom. Before I shut the door, I glanced over my shoulder. “Rev and Bishop are bringing her things. Lay out something for her.”

  “Of course. Anything she needs,” Mama Beth replied.

  I kicked the door shut with my boot. Then I eased Alex down on the toilet. She looked so fucking fragile sitting there. With her pale skin, she looked like a china doll that might shatter to pieces. Spinning around, I turned on the shower, adjusting the temperature to lukewarm. I knew anything too hot would be hell on her skin where she’d been lashed.

  Once the water was ready, I turned back around. “I need to get you undressed now.”

  She glanced up at me through her long lashes before gently letting the blanket fall away from her shoulders. Grimacing, I reached around her back to unhook her bra. When it came undone, Alex momentarily kept the fabric pressed against her. Taking her by the waist, I eased her to her feet. I undid the button on her skirt and let it fall down her legs.

  When my fingers grazed the waistband of her panties, I realized how hard she was trembling. “Alex, I don’t need to do this. Let me get Mama Beth.”

  “No. I want you,” she replied with a firm resolve in her voice. She let the bra fall from her body. Then she reached for her panties and slid them down her legs. Once she was naked, she stared up at me. “Get undressed.”

  “What?” I demanded.

  “You’re just as dirty as I am. He’s still on your hands.”

  I glanced down to see the reddish stain on my hands and fingers. I hadn’t had much time to scrub up in her kitchen before she had screamed for me. “Fine,” I replied. I’d already abandoned my blood-spattered shirt back at her house, so all that was left was to slide off my jeans. I never wore underwear.

  Taking Alex’s hand, I led her over to the shower. When she stepped inside, I followed behind her. The moment the water hit her battered skin, she screamed. “Just give it a minute.”

  “I-it’s l-like razor blades,” she sputtered.

  “I know. It’ll stop stinging in a minute.”

  My heart ached at the tears that streamed down her face. I’d been beaten enough to know what those first few minutes of hell in a bath or a shower felt like. But she’d been so sheltered, so protected, that it was a nightmare for her. And it was all my fault.

  Brushing her hair back from her face, I whispered, “Shh. It’s going to be okay.”

  She buried her face in my chest and began to cry so hard that her body shook mine. For a moment, my arms stayed at my sides. I was unsure how to handle the situation, especially with her injuries. Then, finally, I wrapped her in my embrace. “I’m sorry, Alex. I’m so fucking sorry.”

  “Why are you apologizing?”

  “This never would have happened to you if it hadn’t been for me.”

  Pulling away, she stared up at me. “You can’t blame yourself.”

  “If you hadn’t been involved in my world, you would be at home right now, sleeping in your bed with your dog at your side,” I argued.

  With a defeated sigh, she said, “Maybe that’s true. But if me being attacked saved Willow from any harm, then it was worth it. Just as it was worth it to be a part of her life … and yours.”

  Cupping her face in my hands, I said, “It’ll fucking haunt me forever that I didn’t keep you safe enough. I thought I was doing enough having Archer follow you home.”

  Her brows shot up in surprise. “You had him follow me?”

  I nodded. “I wanted to make sure you got home all right.” Jerking a hand through my hair, I sighed. “But you have my word that with everything I have in me, you’ll never be hurt again.”

  “Are you sure you can promise that, Jesse James?” When I opened my mouth to protest, she shook her head. “You’re an outlaw. You and your club live by a different code that I can’t even begin to understand.”

  “That outlaw code you’re talking about? I’m going to use it to ensure that you’re never harmed again and that the fucker who dared to touch you pays.” I stared into her face, searching her expression. “You get me?”

  She sucked in a harsh breath as her eyes widened. I knew then she understood what I was going to do to the fucker who had hurt her. “No one is ever going to hurt you again,” I reiterated.

  “I want to believe you, Deacon. But with everything that has happened to me in my life, I’m a realist. I don’t see how that’s possible.” In a low voice, she said, “How we’re possible.”

  A crippling panic worked itself over my body. I didn’t like what I thought Alex was saying or what she might be implying. “So what are you trying to say? You don’t want to be a part of my world?”

  Reaching past me, she picked up Mama Beth’s body wash. Taking my hand, she squirted some in my palm. “I don’t think I can take a washcloth on my skin right now. Will you be easy?”

  I cocked my brows at her. “Will you answer my question?”

  She raised her eyes to meet mine. “I can’t right now.”

  “You can’t or won’t?”

  “I just can’t,” she whispered.

  “Fine.” I swallowed the lump in my throat and took a deep breath. Although I couldn’t imagine her not in my world, I had to admit that it made sense she might not want to be in it. Without another word, I rubbed my hands together to make a lather. “Turn around,” I instructed.

  Slowly, she pivoted to where her back faced me. As gently as I could, I reached my hands out to touch the broken and puckered skin where that bastard must have hit her with his belt. I knew the look of the marks all too well from when my old man used to beat me when I was a kid. She jumped the moment I touched her. I don’t know if it was from the pain or from how intimately my hands were on her. Glancing over her shoulder at me, she threw me a shy glance. “That okay?”

  “Yes. Thank you.”

  I washed down her arms and her lower back. When I got to her buttocks, I drew in a breath. Although sex should have been the farthest thing from my mind, I couldn’t help admiring the swell of her ass, the way the globes felt when I rubbed over them. Silently, I willed myself to think of anything but sex. Instead, I focused on how I was goi
ng to pick her attacker to pieces just as soon as I could get a moment alone with him.

  When I finished the backs of her legs, I stood up. “Turn,” I commanded again. She obediently followed my instructions. As if on autopilot, her arms came up to cross over her breasts, modestly covering them from me. “Babe, I had my mouth on those earlier tonight, if you remember correctly.”

  Her cheeks flushed, and she ducked her head. I groaned and ran a soapy hand through my hair. “Shit, I’m sorry. That was a bastard move to remind you of earlier, considering what all you’ve been through.”

  “It’s okay,” she whispered.

  “No, it’s not. It’s exactly why I wanted Mama Beth or Kim in here with you. I’m fucking this up and hurting you.”

  Her gaze jerked to mine. “How many times do I have to say that it’s only you I want? I need you, Deacon. I really do.”

  Cocking my brows at her, I countered, “Yeah, and not five minutes ago you were acting like you were gonna bail on me and this outlaw life just as fast as you could.”

  Her dark eyes flashed with anger. “Can you just for a moment try to put yourself in my shoes? I didn’t grow up in this world. I’m not used to bad blood and turf wars. Then I got the shit beaten out of me tonight and almost raped. I’m sorry if it’s past your comprehension that I might need a minute or two to catch my breath.”

  My head jerked back like she had slapped me. “Jesus.”

  Taking the shampoo bottle, she slammed it against my chest. “Wash your hair.”

  I bit my tongue before saying, No one fucking bosses me around. Instead, I cut her a break and squirted the shampoo in my hands. As I lathered up my hair, Alexandra took the body wash and poured some in her hand. With a harsher touch than I had used, she began to wash my arms and chest. My hands stilled in my hair as I watched her work.

  In that moment, I knew I didn’t want her to leave. It wasn’t just about feeling some bullshit need to protect her after what had happened. It was deeper than that. Little by little, she had chiseled away at my resolve not to ever care about another woman. While she was so fucking wrong for me, she was also so fucking right.