Vicious Cycle

by Katie Ashley

  Her brows rose in surprise as if questioning my next move. I couldn’t answer her because even I didn’t know what to do. Finally, I dug my cigarettes and lighter out of my cut and lit up. When the EMT finished, Alex said something to him before rising to her feet. Slowly, she began walking toward me. My feet began to move of their own accord, and I met her halfway.

  I winced when I got a good look at her in the light. While Archer had apologetically told me that he’d had to beat her up to keep the cops from asking questions, I sure as hell didn’t like the looks of his handiwork on her face. Her right cheek was turning black, and her lip was busted and swollen.

  A million different scenarios had raced through my head about what I would do or say to her when I saw her again. But at the moment, she rendered me speechless. When she reached for me, I took a step back. “If you were a man or one of my brothers, I’d beat the hell out of you right now for what you did earlier.”

  “Can’t you understand I had my reasons?”

  “Reasons? You handcuffed me to a bed, went behind my back with a club member, and then risked your own life trying to take down my greatest enemy. That seems without any fucking reason to me.”

  Her dark eyes narrowed at me. “Is it always only about you and your own personal revenge and vendettas, Deacon? Can you for a moment think about what it was like for me when I found out Sigel murdered my parents? The way I see it, I had just as much reason to take him out as you did.”

  “You sure as hell didn’t! After what he did to Preacher Man, I deserved to take him out, not you. Dammit, Alex. You knew how much it meant to me!”

  “If we’re tallying up body counts for revenge, he took out both my mother and my father. I think I had the greater claim.”

  “They were just civilians. We had a club history that—” My words were cut off when Alexandra hauled off and slapped the hell out of me.

  “You unimaginable bastard. How dare you stand there and spout that bullshit to me? Yeah, my parents weren’t in your precious club. They were honorable and decent people who lost their lives simply for standing up for what was right—a kid who was being abused.” She shook her head. “You know, I expected you to be fighting mad when you saw me again, but this is beyond my realm of comprehension.”

  Leaning closer to me, she hissed, “I killed a man tonight. With my own hands. Hands that used to cut construction-paper hearts and point out sight words to innocent children. I did it for my parents, but I also did it for you. If I had died tonight taking out Sigel, you would still be alive for Willow. I made a sacrifice for you. And even though you’re an undeserving asshole, I would do it again so that sweet little girl wouldn’t be parentless.”

  As I weighed her words, I realized what a stupid, egotistical, self-centered bastard I truly was. Staring at her, I could only shake my head. After all, what could you say befitting a woman who had gone toe to toe with a psycho to save your life and your daughter’s?

  At my silence, Alex sighed. “Once they discharge me, I’ll come by the compound to get my things.”

  I blinked my eyes in disbelief. “Why would you do that?”

  With a mirthless laugh, Alex said, “You can’t be serious. Did you actually think after the way you just behaved that I was going to suck it up and come home with you?”

  “Well, yeah.”

  “Incredible,” she muttered before turning away.

  I couldn’t let her go. I cared too much about her. Willow cared too much about her. “Alex, wait.”

  Ignoring me, she kept walking. Desperately, I tried to think of what might get her attention. Then I blurted, “Marry me.”

  Her steps faltered on the pavement. Slowly, she turned around to stare open-mouthed and wide-eyed at me. “What did you just say?”

  “I asked you to marry me.”

  “I think I liked it better when I thought I was hearing things.”

  Scratching the back of my neck, I closed the gap between us. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry for the way I treated you earlier. It’s just …” I licked my lips, as my mouth had run dry from fucking nerves. “You scared the hell out of me going after Sigel and leaving me where I couldn’t help you. It isn’t in me to have women on the front lines, least of all my old lady—the woman I fucking love. I didn’t know how to deal. You were right to call me a bastard and an asshole because I was—I am. No matter how hard I try, I always seem to fuck things up when it comes to you.” Shaking my head, I said, “Jesus, I’m blabbering.”

  “Keep going,” Alex urged.

  “You’re also right to call me a selfish bastard. Before Willow, I thought only of myself, and then she came along and opened me up a little. Then you came barging in and forced me to put my own needs and desires behind those I cared about.” Reaching out, I touched her unmarred cheek. “And I do care about you, Alexandra. When I thought that I might lose you to Sigel, I thought I would die—I wanted to die. I don’t want to live without you. I love you too much.”

  “You really mean that?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I do.”

  Time ticked agonizingly by as she seemed to weigh her words. “I have one condition.”

  “Name it. Anything.” When she nibbled on her lip, signaling her nervousness, I took her hands in mine. “What is it?”

  “I want you to make the Raiders legitimate. If I’m going to be your wife, then I want to be married to David Malloy, not Jesse James.”

  Her demand was something I hadn’t anticipated. While I knew she had every reason to request it, I wasn’t sure I could make it happen—or if I truly wanted it to happen. “I’m not the president, babe. I can’t make that decision.”

  “No, but I know it would be something Rev would support.”

  “We’d still have to have a majority vote in church.”

  “Then make it happen. Convince your brothers that too much blood has been spilled and too many lives lost to continue on the way you are.”

  “Being an outlaw is all I’ve known since I was thirteen years old.” Feeling like a pussy, I tried not to let Alex see the fear that ran through me. It unfortunately didn’t escape her notice, because she brought her arms around my neck.

  “You can do this. I believe in you.”

  For reasons I didn’t begin to understand, I started to believe that we could turn the Raiders around. It wouldn’t be easy. It would take time, and there would probably be repercussions for our actions. But for her and for Willow, I was willing to try.

  Smiling down at her, I said, “You’re my angel—my dark-haired angel.” The moment the words came out of my lips, I staggered back.

  “Deacon, what’s wrong?” Alex asked with alarm.

  But I was no longer with her. Instead, I was holding Preacher Man’s body. His words echoed through my mind. “Two dark-haired angels are coming for you. They will be your salvation.”

  Alex stared up at me in confusion. “What?”

  I realized then that I had said the words aloud. “Preacher Man told me that right before he died. At the time, I couldn’t imagine what he meant. But now …” I stared down at her beautiful face filled with love and concern for me. “Now I understand. You and Willow—you’re the dark-haired angels. You’re my salvation.” I pulled her closer to me, needing to feel her against me. “You’re my salvation,” I repeated.

  “And you’re mine,” Alex answered.

  I would take her home to my compound, where once again I would look after her as she healed. Tomorrow I would get to see my other angel, my daughter. As a unified family, we would work to make the Raiders legitimate. I knew that there were still threats looming over us, including the Knights, now floundering without their leader and sergeant at arms, who would retaliate against us.

  In the end, I hoped to never again have to lose another person I loved to the violence I’d bred.

  For the first time I could remember, I sat at Mama Beth’s table with a plateful of delicious food in front of me, but I couldn’t eat. I didn’t have an ap
petite to save my life. My stomach felt like it had been hog-tied.

  It seemed that neither Rev nor Bishop, sitting across from me, could eat either. Mama Beth cleared her throat, causing us all to glance up from staring at our plates. “Boys, you really need to eat. You’re going to need your strength today.”

  It didn’t matter that her “boys” were grown men. She was still looking after us just like we were kids. And just like she said, I knew I needed my physical strength to try to get through the emotional hell that was going to be Case’s funeral.

  To appease Mama Beth, I picked up a biscuit, sopped up some gravy, and then took a bite. She gave me an appreciative smile before turning her attention back to Rev. I knew he felt the burden extra hard today. After all, he was the new president. He had to somehow manage to lead the Raiders through the shitstorm of grief.

  Since we hadn’t patched in another officer yet, Bishop would be keeping his role as road captain. That job became even more difficult today, as he had to coordinate the route from the funeral home to the cemetery with out-of-town charters as well as other clubs paying their respects. It was an awfully big job, but I knew he could do it.

  After glancing at her watch, Mama Beth said, “You best go get the girls. They need to get ready.”

  I nodded and rose from my chair. Alex and Willow’s ballet lessons had become almost therapeutic for them both, so I hadn’t been too surprised when they escaped down to the studio as soon as breakfast was over.

  As I opened the basement door, classical music floated up to me. My boots pounded down the stairs, but when I got to the bottom, I paused. No matter how many times I saw Alexandra dancing, I couldn’t help feeling like I’d been kicked in the gut and in the balls. She had that much effect on me. Maybe it was the skimpy leotard she wore, or the way her body stretched into positions that made my dick pound against my zipper. Most of all, I couldn’t help feeling completely dumbstruck that this talented, courageous, and sexy-as-hell woman wanted to be my wife.

  I wasn’t the only one mesmerized by Alex’s performance. In her pink leotard and pink tights, Willow stood stock-still with wide eyes as Alexandra danced on those shoes with the pointy toes. I knew in her mind she was dreaming of the day she could wear them, too. A smile tugged on my lips as I thought about the day I’d finally let her into the studio. She’d taken the basement stairs so fast I thought she was going to end up in a heap at the bottom. She had then proceeded to squeal so loud I thought the mirrors would shatter. After inspecting the barre and dancing around for a minute, she raced to my side, threw her arms around my waist, and squeezed me tight. “Thank you, Daddy,” she had said, sufficiently melting my heart.

  After doing a final leap thing, Alex met my gaze in the mirror. Her cheeks warmed, and she ducked her head. “I didn’t realize you were there.”

  Crossing the room to meet her, I reached out to grab her chin and tip her head to meet my eyes. “Don’t be embarrassed. I love watching you dance.”

  She gave me a shy smile. “And I think I know the real reason why.”

  While I laughed heartily, Willow’s brows furrowed. “Why?” she asked.

  As Alexandra’s blush grew, I merely ruffled Willow’s hair. “Because I like to see her looking pretty.”

  Willow seemed to buy my answer. “I look pretty when I dance, too. Don’t I, Daddy?” She twirled around for emphasis, causing me to smile.

  “Yes, you look very, very pretty.” Jerking my chin toward the stairs, I said, “Go on and get cleaned up.”

  “But I can’t get my dress on by myself,” Willow protested. Before Case’s death, she had never liked to be separated from Alexandra and me because she thought she might miss something. But now it was about so much more. She had become even clingier since she had returned from the mountains. In fact, she had slept in our bed the last two nights, which really dampened our continued reunion sex.

  “Grandma Beth will help you,” I replied.

  Always the softie of the two of us, Alex said, “We’ll be up in just a minute, baby.”

  While that seemed to appease Willow a little, she still gave me her best pouty face before finally trudging over to the stairs.

  Once the basement door closed behind her, Alex’s hand came up to cup my cheek. “Are you holding up okay?”

  With a lump the size of a boulder in my throat, I could only nod. Since my mother’s murder before my eyes as a kid, I’d had insurmountable trouble with the death of those I loved. It was like I couldn’t bear to deal with the grief and pain. I just wanted to escape and ignore it.

  Case had been more than my brother and club president—he had been a father figure to me. His death had shattered me. Not only did I mourn for him, but it brought back all the pain I’d tried to repress from Preacher Man’s death and my mother’s murder.

  Sensing that I was hovering over an emotional cliff, Alexandra pressed herself against me. As her arms came around my neck, the comfort only she could bring washed over me. “Did you write down what you’re going to say?” she questioned softly.

  I nodded. “I just hope I can say it all. You know, without punking out by crying like a fucking pansy.”

  She rubbed reassuring circles over my back. “No one is going to think less of you for shedding tears for Case. All your brothers loved him,” she reasoned.

  “Babe, no offense, but that’s such a chick thing to say.”

  Pulling her hands away, she stared up at me. “When it comes down to it, don’t be afraid of showing your emotions.”

  “I’m not afraid.” When she cocked her brows at me, I sighed. “You just don’t understand.”

  “No, I’m sure I don’t. Your world is still so new and confusing to me.” She patted my chest above my heart. “But the one thing I do know is I love you.”

  I smiled down at her. Even without her saying it, I could feel her love for me. I knew it would give me the strength I needed to get through today. “Come on. Let’s go get you in the shower,” I said.

  “Do we have time for you to join me?”

  Man, did I love this woman. She knew how to appeal to me on each and every level. With a wink, I replied, “We’ll make time.”

  With my back against the trunk of a massive oak tree, I kept a watchful eye on the crowd before me while I took a sip of champagne from the crystal flute in my hand. Grimacing, I fought the urge to spit it out on the grass, but I figured that would be considered completely uncivilized by the crowd that surrounded me. Like my brothers, I was a beer or hard-liquor man. But my new sister-in-law was in charge of this party, and she had kept it classy, just like she was.

  I found her in the crowd. God, she was beautiful. I don’t think I’d ever seen her more beautiful than today—her wedding day. The top of her white satin dress hugged her like a second skin, showing off the fabulous curves that had attracted my brother. As they danced under the tent as man and wife, his hand rested a little lower than the curve of her back. I wasn’t quite sure how through all the yards of fabric he was able to cop a feel of her ass, but if anyone could find a way, it would be Deacon.

  Shaking my head, I couldn’t help but grin at the sight of him in dress pants. He’d balked at a suit or tux. The black pants and long-sleeved white shirt were the compromise he and Alexandra had reached. After the wedding, he’d slipped his cut on over the shirt. I’m not sure what Alex’s relatives or friends thought about that one. Most of them were just glad she was happy and safe after what had happened to her.

  She had faced a lot of scrutiny after Sigel’s death. Of course, everyone pitied her as the woman viciously attacked by a felon. The plan that she and Archer had concocted had been bought hook, line, and sinker by the cops. Not once did they doubt that Archer, who had slipped into a janitor’s uniform, had heard Alex’s cries and come running. He had been hailed a hero for taking down Sigel. Of course, no one in the school could remember him working there before. When he disappeared after that night, many wanted to believe he was some kind of guardian angel
.

  No matter how much blood you have on your hands, you always remember your first kill. Just like the rest of us, Alex struggled with what she had done. She suffered from screaming and kicking nightmares, she couldn’t sleep without drugs from Breakneck, and she’d started losing weight.

  It was a dark time for all of us, seeing her suffer. Thankfully, after a few weeks of torment, she started to pull out of it. She started to realize her daily validation for what she did when she looked at Deacon and Willow.

  Speaking of Willow … My gaze momentarily left Alexandra to search out my niece. A smile played at my lips at the sight of her. Already a little diva in the making, she had requested her flower girl dress be pink and poufy. And of course she had gotten her way. Her long dark hair cascaded down her back in waves, while a headband of pink roses sat on her head. At her feet was the almost-grown Walter. He looked less than thrilled by the sparkly pink leash and collar that Willow had put on him for the day. When Deacon had seen him, he’d rolled his eyes and said, “I guess I’m going to have to get you a girl dog soon, or you’ll make an absolute sissy out of Walter.” Of course, Willow had been thrilled by the prospect of a dog of her own.

  As I scanned the crowd of wedding guests again, an ache burned its way through my chest at the way Alex glanced up into my brother’s face with such intense love in her eyes. In that moment, I wished she had just once looked that way at me. But there had never been more than friendship for us. I’d known that even when Deacon had tried to push the two of us together. I’d known it from the first time I’d seen her look adoringly at him.

  Even though I loved him, I couldn’t help feeling jealous of Deacon. I wanted the love of a good woman more than anything in the world. I wanted to be a husband and a father. Yet for some reason, my simple wants went unfulfilled.