Desensitizer

by Kaero Davis

  Vigilance

  There’s so fuckin’ much I need to remember,

  That I need working second-nature,

  I must improve my ways, rip on through the greys,

  Cautious and aware sempre, on my venture,

  Got to think before I speak and act,

  Or reap what I cannot handle back,

  Prevent poisonous words spitting at,

  Nor lead my peers to over-react,

  I’ve got to strategize,

  I’ve got to organize,

  Observe and analyse,

  In split-second time,

  I need to recognize a rising cataclysm,

  Disable and beat it into submission,

  Got to make a responsible decision,

  Stop and wait to follow my intuition,

  Take an outsider’s look and really observe,

  Make sure I don’t leave others perturbed,

  Be the kind of man everybody deserves.

  In the stead of treading on their nerves,

  I’ve got to strategize,

  I’ve got to organize,

  Observe and analyse,

  In split-second time,

  Exit Scenario

  “More thought into it and I realize it is just another one of those things you can actually train your brain to do – you just need to know how. Repetition is good – like the more you can listen to a song – you’ll eventually learn each beat to each note and rhythm inside out – and you’ll know the lyrics off by heart. It’s probably that repetition with a good heap of focus, and what better focus is there than to have an interest. But there’s more, you’ve got to tell yourself over and over ritualistically. You’ve got to enforce it into your mind with a mantra you can just repeat over and over. A positive affirmation – you could almost call it but you gotta do it over and over until you know it deep in your heart to be true, and you really start to believe it. I believe we’re capable of remembering so much more than we suppose we are ‘able’ to remember. You could just use certain keys to reference and cross-reference what you know. And you might even use a piece of audio to determine what you want to remember – key is relativity. Like even if you saw some image and it made you want to do, see, or say something then that method is pretty well performed as well but there are countless ideas, and various combinations you can make work for you. But I know for one – I most definitely need to…” – Rah-liel.

  Enter Scenario

  “I honestly don’t remember precisely when it began, happened this way – I only remember this; I created a persona long ago, and with the right amount of nurturing and psychoactive medication, this persona grew a mind of its own somehow. And there were often times I would wear this persona out and act in ways that I believed this persona would be if it really existed. I wasn’t aware of the power I was giving it, I never thought it was possible that the energy I gave it, was feeding life into it. Energy spent designing a kind of cover, strength, stability, confidence – whatever, this energy gave this persona a life of its own. From time to time I dabbled in this personality and had the time of my life when I wore it, as someone else, but then sadly I became something less than what I was prior. The personality had grown a mind of its’ own and began ‘wearing me’! I was him so often that I couldn’t realize I wasn’t so much in control anymore. He – It, had a grip on me, and then people would engage in conversation with me about the things they thought we did together – but to no memory of mine. I began to get very paranoid that perhaps this persona was behind this. I couldn’t prove but it was bizarre yet still to tell anyone – and who would’ve taken me or my fear of it seriously? And few people had confirmed it to me few times, that I seemed almost like two different people, like there’s someone else inside. A, Jeckyl and Hyde. Who could I tell? I saw it in me, I knew it had to be true but then people noticed it when they saw it in me – before I’d even said anything. It confirmed within me what I’d already feared was to be true.

  I drew into myself and found myself a prisoner in my own head, trapped – while this fake persona was strutting its’ stuff in my flesh-suit vessel. I’d lived in some kind of imagination land that at first, I found delightful but in time became my prison. I’d venture to madness on occasion and found it wondrous – and so I’d visit it often. Voluntarily – of my own accord, feeding too the nightmare, the madness I would struggle consistently with for control – over me. This persona, this enigma, his name was Sheytavici.” – Arrathenahk.

  Voluntary Madness

  Hey man I’ve been watching you,

  No one can tell what you’re gonna do,

  Really quite unpredictable,

  I see inside you’re miserable,

  I can see a sad, sad end,

  You’ve been sent around the bend,

  Looks a lot like you can’t break free,

  You can, you just don’t see,

  Your sanity is crumbling,

  Resistance falls fumbling,

  Before long shocked and stunned,

  Just zombie out and numb,

  It’s almost time for fight or flight,

  And you’ve got ill resoluteful insight,

  Looking like you’re letting go,

  Caving in to then explode,

  All this putting you to test,

  Is building up a toxic mess,

  Far too much to digest,

  A switch flicked to regress,

  You may cop a lot of flak,

  Just try keep from losing track,

  What is lost can be gained back,

  Recognize what you lack,

  Don’t do this all by yourself,

  You can reach out to find help,

  You are really not alone,

  Find somebody else who knows,

  It’s not healthy to go there man,

  If you do you may be damned,

  Know what’s right, make a stand,

  Reach out, grab that offered hand,

  Don’t let yourself get caught between,

  Anybody who tries to crush your dreams,

  That never raises any self-esteem,

  Just leaves us all cranky and mean,

  Never let it all override you,

  Have better company set beside you,

  You’ll survive and you’ll make it through,

  Cheating death before it’s due,

  Going deranged voluntarily,

  Will lock you into solitary,

  To never see the light of day,

  Please man don’t ever go this way,

  You might do atrocious deeds,

  Never to realize your heart will bleed,

  Let it go before too late,

  Relieve your mind of this state,

  Exit Scenario

  “This personality was living and breathing all by itself. It was my Light versus the poisonous Black within me. The Madness had its’ claws in me the very moment it knew it had me hooked. I would wonder how different it would’ve been if I’d not first continued my venture – but stopped when I knew something was wrong. This poem I wrote was virtually me going back, thinking back into the mind of the young feller I remembered I was in my head – this poem was from this sweet kids’ perspective on what he’d say – when reaching out to the me I was (across time) when venturing to insanity. This is a future me reflecting on a false past; negotiating with an older (yet still younger me than now) and warning. It’s madness I know – HA – I know, pointless thinking about it, who does it? But I really have been there before. Kids at school would nickname me ‘stoner’ for the doughy blonde I was then. Yeah, got too much time on my hands – as some have said and I will no doubt hear again in time. Who thinks of this shit? Well, no one really but weird fucker’s like me. I’m an air-head – I space, but if there was something I could sa
y to a past self, this would be it. And if I could’ve done something different, I’d have made a complaint to someone who could’ve done something about it. Someone to help me through a difficult situation and beg and plead with them that they would do all they can in their power to disrupt this chaos, this bullying and trauma etcetera. Complain, dob someone in instead of having to suffer the way I had at the time. Maybe then, maybe, I may have never bottled it up, I’d have told someone about it. Have someone to help me get through dealing with and have it sorted.

  Maybe then, the madness wouldn’t have played so much of its’ part in my life. Maybe, but I’ll never know. It’s wishful thinking – perhaps less exhausting just staying here in the now. Ah – fuck the past…” – Arrathenahk.

  Enter Scenario

  Somethin’ fuckin’ bit me… whoa man, I’m feelin’ whoozey here. My head is pounding and I’m feelin’ dopey as fuck. Whoa (I groan) such agony pulsing all through my body. I’ve been attacked over and over again by violent vicious animals – wild dogs with rotting flesh and gaping, festering wounds. I couldn’t fight them off so good – they got me. And now look at me, I’m a bloody mess – bleeding with some disgusting foul infection. I’m droolin’ and losing my mind piece by piece. Im staggerin’ through crowds upon crowds of people, all of whom seem to be as infected as me – and some even worse…fuck…I’m starvin’…

  Zombie Stomp

  Well I have an insatiable need,

  I’ve always got to have a feed,

  I don’t run on alotta brains,

  My torn clothes smeared in blood stains,

  I limp around

  I stagger around

  My memories long gone,

  I’m past death

  Well I smell like death

  Shufflin’ the zombie stomp,

  My only greed

  Is I need a feed

  Can’t help that I got infected,

  I’m rotting away

  Just smell my decay

  You’re a zombie before you suspect it,

  Something bloody bit me

  Man I’m bloody hungry

  My flesh looks and smells so wrong,

  Got no agenda

  On a hunger bender

  Shufflin’ the zombie stomp

  My ripped apart attire sways free hanging from me,

  Chunks not bitten off are infected and bleeding,

  The virus has decayed and rot me brain,

  And now I’ll never be me again,

  Exit Scenario

  I stagger and shuffle heavy footed through the jungle of rubble of buildings been blown to bits. And people almost soulless. Nup, completely soulless…I feel I too am limited to the most basic primal need – food, and less restricted to searching it out, seeking anything fresh to bite chunks outta. My mind and any and all rational cognitive thought is slippin’ away and…forgot – uh, uhm forget what I was sayin’ – shit…losin’ it… I’m foamin at the mouth, doomed and losin’ sensible translation of uh, words… I growl out of irritation – someone just knocked into me – prick! – I’m moanin’ ‘n’ groanin’ now, shifting endlessly around. Aimless. Hungry…

  Chapter 2:

  Trauma Performer

  Content Titles (Alphabetically Sequenced):

  •A Could Have Been (But Could Still Be)

  •All That I Can Do To You..

  •Blood Pact For Bloodshed

  •Bully To Bitch

  •Captive Bidding

  •Carnage Invocation

  •Chaos Calling

  •Cry for You.. (Nevermore)

  •Defiant

  •Fear’s Fare

  •From Sorrow To Sulphur

  •Green-Eyed-Monsters

  •Hellfire Night

  •Insect!

  •Iron Titan

  •Judgment Waits..

  •Wolves’ Bite

  •Lore for the Opposing Law

  •Minute-stick

  •[Ob]servant

  •Patriot

  •Playin’ Daddy

  •Rat-Tongue

  •Rebel Without A Cause

  •Revelation

  •Senseless Violence

  •Skeletons… A Psychosis

  •Summoning Leviathan

  •Sweet Dreams

  •The Fuck Down

  •The HeadBanger

  •The Headhunter

  •The Outlaw

  •The Ripper

  •This Little Fucker…

  •Titan’s Fury

  •Toe to Toe… With the Jones’s

  •Trolls

  •Under The Guise Of Brutality

  Enter Scenario

  (I was alone in my library one extremely cold winter night. The flames were bright in the fireplace, and I was quite loaded lying back in a black vinyl parlour couch. I was almost catatonic when I heard an unearthly voice whispering, echoing from out of the fireplace – amidst the crackling of the embers, and I saw the flames take form of a face as they flickered and glowed bright. I leaned forward to focus through blurry eyes to see if I wasn’t just witnessing madness. The voice called my name from the fires and I dropped to the floor and crept closer to the fireplace. The eyes of a man’s face glowed and flashed brilliantly and he pronounced his interest in me.)

  “I’ve been watching you – I like you, you might be a considerable asset to my cause,” the voice hissed through to me.

  “Who are you – what are you?” I asked.

  “None of that is so important now but – it’s more of what we have the power to do for each other. If we were to scratch each other’s backs – I might say there’s a pleasant reward for such efforts…”

  “Rewards? Efforts? What’s the catch?”

  “The catch is – you work for me, I have your complete allegiances regardless of what you might hear about me, you don’t ask questions and you write exactly as I instruct – if not, but better…”

  “What do I get out of it?”

  “Respect and a reputation others admire. You and your future generation’s lifetimes endowed with riches and a wealth beyond your deepest dreams. Fame, like the world has never seen for such popularity.”

  “He was winning me over and I was finding this offer too good to refuse. I agreed and took specific instructions, and soon the contract was drawn, and I were to start telling the stories he told me in writing. This is the first of many to come. Tales to tell of the corruption, manipulation and everything it takes to gain control. Insight only fallen angels and demons can give – those first-hand accounts and various other sides to the story. His in brief I wrote this piece, a first of many scenarios in which kingdoms were raised and fallen, and false gods controlled. Injustice reigns and it’s the bad guy you know you can trust the most. Someone better once could’ve been, but it’s in my charge now to teach those, he could still be. And watch out when he does.” – Crae.

  A Could Have Been (But Could Still Be)

  I am cursed to roam,

  This new place to call home,

  Its’ ghosts moan and drone,

  Lost my throne, sent to atone,

  Left to my lone,

  Here is my tale,

  Free for avail,

  Of how I’d failed,

  To snatch the grail,

  Fate left to stale,

  I was once a mighty thing,

  Could’ve almost been a king,

  To rule my subjects with a sting,

  If my patience wore to thin,

  I’d send dominions plundering,

  Invading with a rage thundering,

  The righteous falling fumbling,

  Choking upon their blundering,<
br />
  Until once caught by surprise,

  I mysteriously met demise,

  By a common evil of holy disguise,

  Bathed and blessed of hypocritical lies

  So angered furthermore,

  I seek to restore,

  By any and all means I implore,

  Further course for war..

  Exit Scenario

  “Whether people like it or not I’m comin’”

  “What makes you certain of this?”

  “People cannot change when they believe they don’t need to – not when they think they’re right.”

  “How does that have anything to do with your presence returning,”

  “Everybody only want to put themselves first, a lot of them think too highly of themselves and not so highly enough of others where needed most. There isn’t too much acceptance between cultures and certainly not enough tolerance. It’s human nature that people fight for their own pride and vanity first before accepting others but most only for their own. A lot of them won’t do it honourably either. It’s the blood shed during the feud that’ll open up the portal – the one through where I will eventually ascend.”