Desensitizer

by Kaero Davis

  I wanted to tell you so many times. I’ve wanted to tell you everything – but the time was never right, you were never old enough to understand and what kind of father would I have been to burden you with even the heavier weight of that? I can easily imagine how confused you would have been and how little you’d have said just thinking about everything, and I can even imagine your beautiful big blue eyes gazing in wonder at me – and I smile, jeez I think about you right now and I am almost in tears, my heart aches that much.

  But I wouldn’t dream of burdening you with the agony I’d faced, it would hurt me worse to see you as upset as me and I would do anything to make certain you were the happiest you could ever be. I wanted to be a good father for you – truth was, I wasn’t too capable of being a very good person most of the time.

  I wasn’t too good at being a compassionate partner to your mother and one day she may explain her side – but I did love her once. But you – I still do love, I’ve loved you right from the very first moment I watched you enter this world. I was there, and I was the happiest I had ever been, and, I was so very proud of the strength and courage your mother showed that day, I couldn’t imagine the pain but she held a lot of it back, I watched tears rolling down her cheek and I held her hand.

  She had a good lot of strength in the grip she held my hand with, very few women I’d crossed had such strength your mum had, and of all the things I’d done wrong – the one thing I’d done right was to have chosen no better a lady to have become the mother of my daughter. She’s the very best that I have ever seen in any mother at raising a child.

  I’d promised that I would never speak ill of her – and I’ve lived up to that. Thank you Kalytrice with all my heart, and you too Zagnet – she couldn’t have done it alone – so thanks to you too mate, I wish you all well.

  But Jaedine, I’ve never forgotten you – not once and I never will. I love you with my entire heart and always have. The distance I kept was for both our growth, yours uninterrupted by me nor poorly influenced by any of my bad behaviour – and me; my growth in my maturity, a stronger state of emotional being, meaning stability for my mental health and growth for a more positive environment, dropping all poisonous people and pushing for a new path into something far more beneficial.

  I have plans, I have ambition, and a drive to make something much, much more of myself. I want to build an enterprise to hopefully one day leave behind for you to inherit, a legacy you would be proud to uphold and operate after me – a kind of compensation for all our lost time together.” – Euxervarius.

  Lost Time

  Time with you is something,

  I cannot give much to share,

  And I know you must be wondering,

  If I even still care,

  The truth is that I really, really do,

  And so much that it hurts,

  I hate not being with you,

  And not being the father you deserve,

  Some nights I’ve cried myself to sleep,

  Hoping that in our dreams, we meet,

  Praying I could hug and cuddle you again,

  And be a father, not pretend,

  Everyone knows I’ve been a fool,

  Breaking hearts and being cruel,

  I never wanted things this way that they are,

  I never wanted it to get this far,

  But I never once forgot you,

  And please know that I never will,

  I always think about you,

  And love you even more still,

  You are so very important to me,

  Precious, special, and always will be,

  Please believe me when I say,

  We’ll have time together again one day…

  Exit Scenario

  “I never for one second wanted you to face the horrors that I had. I have so much truth of it all to say, but a lot of the truth I’ll say about these poisonous people will only be denied by them, tell such truth I say is lies and then spin more horrid lies over the top. I thought that if I could save you a lot of the misery and grief – then I would, and I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard. But I do promise that one day you and I will have all the time we’ve ever wanted with each other. And there will be peace – I can promise you that on my behalf. Your mother and Zagnet have nothing to fear. I haven’t been so supportive so much but I promise you that will all change. And when I can be the supportive father you deserve Jaedine, I’ll be able to give you so much more time than I’d ever dreamed or wanted for you. I think about you all the time and I miss you.” – Euxervarius.

  Enter Scenario

  “For FUCK’S SAKE! I’ve fucking had it! I’m sick of this place, I’m telling my father how bad it is here whether he wants to hear it or not!”

  The diabolical teenage spawn of Satan growled with rage. His power has been feigning over the last few days. He’d go to cause an accident, and his evil force over nature had failed. It seemed almost as though he was weakened. Somehow, something was making his power falter. He retired to his stone chamber beneath the city – not far from a subway and set to write a letter to his father – which he would read aloud to the flames before igniting it with the fire and let it ember away to ashes in its’ 44-gallon drum. He’d made certain to trap his emotion well with his web of words will, and then freed by the fire to send his word to his unholy father.

  His letter was written and it read;

  Lucifer…My Father

  I hate this world with pure loathing passion,

  I’m surrounded by filth of every fashion,

  These tiny insect people disgust me greatly,

  Surely their pathetic souls aren’t worth their frailty,

  This feeling of love of theirs is disgusting,

  I also hate their sentiment, it’s just as destructive,

  Their love for God and of each other,

  Is overwhelming, suffocating, chokes me, smothers,

  This assignment you set me is proving harder by the day,

  I never thought this many people would be difficult to persuade,

  As many as there are those whom are rebellious,

  There are still as many congregating, parading pious,

  Lucifer, father, send me an army I could lead,

  And I’ll force and wipe the world completely off their feet,

  The sooner we can brand fear to their bleeding hearts,

  The sooner the meeting of our demands will hath start,

  I do enjoy torturing these slimy little maggots,

  Though the harder ones to scare are leaving me ragged,

  I’m ashamed to say I’m feeling drained of my energy,

  My presence here wanes, I’m in disdain, close to the enemy,

  The body I’ve possessed was once cool but now protests,

  The God he once detested has since become his obsession,

  This world is now becoming more difficult for me to dwell,

  And I am more than wanting to return back home to Hell,

  Oh how I miss the heat and the soul scorching fires,

  Watching these insects screaming, running through the pyres,

  Thrusting them through torture and torment for purgatory,

  And administrating scarring pain to last an eternity…

  Sinfully Yours,

  Your Diabolical Anti-Christ..

  Exit Scenario

  The message was sent. And it reached its’ destination. There was a reply within moments. Lucifer heard, and he was angered so that he used the very flames his son had communicated to him through, and as if a portal had opened up – he poked his head out from the flames. He appeared in a kind of almost holographic image glowing through every lick and flicker of flame.

  “Kristael!”

  “Father? Y-You got my message?” the young man spun around surprised.


  “YES! But you are to continue your work here on this earth – you hear me? No more fucking complaining! Do the job I birthed you for – or so help me – your punishment will be far worse than What fucking GOD or CHRIST would do to you!”

  “WHAT? You expect me to just ‘continue’ like nothing’s fucking wrong?!”

  “That’s exactly what I want you to do! Stop acting like a little bitch and get out there and roast the vermin pigs they are!”

  “FINE! I’ll fuckin’ do it all right – I’ll do it so fuckin’ well that there’ll be nothing left to rule once you get here yourself! IF you can!”

  “Don’t get smart with me you little fucker, you’ll do as I command of you. I’m the old man, I’m the fucking boss and don’t you forget it!”

  His voice thundered – and with every ounce of anger the devil spat – the flames would flare up, and all of a sudden, he was gone.

  Enter Scenario

  “Jesus, some of the things you do for people – and not once are they grateful. I’m kind, considerate, compassionate and I’m respectful – never force anything on anyone yet I can still be stabbed in the back. Have you ever been spoken ill of while being in the presence of a family member doing this with a friend of theirs? Someone you have virtually no contact with who’s been told shit about you – nasty fuckin’ shit – when it’s none of their business and truly doesn’t affect them in any way? Yeah, it’s fucked, being spoken down at and ill of in front of company and being shown off as a complete fuckwit idiot that does what he wants, fucks around regardless of what it does to the family’s reputation and mental health…Holy fuck man, I could tell you some stories. And I will, I’ll leech them out slowly. Put some of those cunts of family members in their place. Fuck ’em, it’s not like they ever treated me with any fairness. Instead made to know I’m the outcast and made to feel the guilt that it was my fault I had to live with them in the first place. Yes, I was fucking different, but no lesser of a fucking human being. I was far more intelligent than they ever gave me credit for. But spoke to me and about me as if I were the most feral animal you had ever seen. They never earnt my respect but rather fuckin’ demanded it in some way or another. In turn losing more respect for them than I had initially begun with Always teaching me to take charge and be responsible for myself, all well and good – but they were all pretty piss poor examples of idols themselves, the whole – do as I say, not as I do, double standard condescending bullshit. It gets old fucking quick. A part of me died under their roof, call it shellshock, PTSD, trauma – whatever; you eventually reap what you sow, karma comes around, and I wouldn’t be who I am today without them so, thank you and fuck yourselves.” – Gjuuck.

  Maturity

  Your belief is obscured,

  To think that I’m immature,

  My happiness was once pure,

  Any chance of that now is manure,

  It was innocent harmless fun,

  And then you shot me with your verbal gun,

  I couldn’t react ’cause I was so stunned,

  You ran your mouth and the damage was done,

  It didn’t take much for you to cripple me,

  You succeeded, I failed miserably,

  But you’re supposed to be family – not the enemy,

  And your jealousies crushed my joyous vitality,

  You must really hate yourself,

  To keep other’s away, repelled,

  You’ve got no clue how that had made me felt,

  Your presence made home a hellish place to dwell,

  Do you fully understand why you’re alone?

  That no matter where you go, you’ll never be home?

  Your sticks and stones really broke my bones,

  And your attitude, well, needs to be out-grown,

  So, I’m cutting all losses and calling it quits,

  I don’t need you nor your bunch of dropkicks,

  You will no longer give me the shits,

  I’m slashing off old psychic ties and finally getting rid…

  Exit Scenario

  “Growing up ain’t easy. There are always hard lessons to learn and it can really shake us but there are appropriate ways to deal with things and then there are of course inappropriate ways to deal with things. My folks never really had the right tools. Never had the right know-how but chose to remain and stay ignorant of new more effective ways. You should never just ‘dump’ your problem on someone else – in fact take charge of it yourself, show people you’re made of the right stuff. Show people you have substance. And if you don’t know how then ask. There is no such thing as a ridiculous question, perhaps you’re unaware you’re not doing it right – listen to what others are saying all around you. Really listen. Know what you want to know and know what to ask or how to say it to get you the right information. Observe, analyse a little better – things said that are misinterpreted or not too understandable are going to confuse people. Might even raise undesirable attitudes and uncomfortable inconvenient situations…if only eh, if fucking only…” – Gjuuck.

  Enter Scenario

  “There are always going to be various punishments to fit whatever degree of crime one associates to. You’re as innocent as the limit on your knowledge. Bearing in mind there are standards to uphold publicly around society. So what do we do? Do we play dumber than our normal selves to avoid more strife or do we show the strength of our character and do the right thing according to our knowledge? Who really wants to look like a fool amidst people who are all attempting to show they’re more superior? I know I wouldn’t – not when there are daft idiots out there that think lesser of me than themselves. It’s funny because when it all turns around to bite them on the arse – I’ll know it’s hit ’em worse because they did in fact know better. And I’m going to piss myself laughing when I finally witness them fall on their face. Absolutely, they’ve got no leg to stand on the hypocrites. Apologies, I meandered. Anyway, this one’s just about ‘the higher the climb – the further the fall’ – or something like that. Don’t become someone or something’s favourite unless you’re not going to be prepared to let them down – shit I dunno, there’s hundreds of different metaphors one might use. Sus this one out.” – Moushaireguis.

  Once Upon An Unholy Soldier

  I was savage,

  With a ravenous heart,

  Now I’m damaged,

  Soul ripped apart,

  The darkness surrounds,

  Choking me tight,

  Smashed through the ground,

  To the devil’s sight,

  A holy soldier,

  Knelt for order,

  Succumbed to chaos,

  Disarray and disorder,

  Wings and grace ripped free,

  Woes bestowed upon me,

  Sent to a place – whipped to bleed,

  Punishment for my sinful deeds,

  I can’t give back what I’ve taken,

  Left for torture, isolated,

  Zero paradise, I’m forsaken,

  Now but sallow, mistaken,

  …gravened…

  The darkness now surrounds,

  Choke strangling me tight,

  I was sent smashed through the ground,

  On towards the devil’s sight,

  Once a holy soldier savage,

  With a ravenous heart,

  I’ve now fallen irreparably damaged,

  My soul’s ripped apart..

  Exit Scenario

  “And you most certainly can’t turn back the clock to go back and undo something you’d wished you’d never done. Time only moves forward and after all is said and done – and dusted, one might have a lot to make up for – if they still have the chance to make up for whatever infraction. Sometimes, just sometimes it may be too late. That bridge is long burned and completely irreparable. And then you’
ve got purgatory fallen smack dab in your lap. Caught in a nightmare that never ends. God help you before then. Wake up people, remember where you come from, remember your purpose and don’t always take the easy paths, nor paths to easily acquired temptations. Sorry, those particular temptations hazardous to our soul. Humanity is sparse but still very precious and at the right time – easily influenced to falter. Never lose sight of your true self and remind yourself to keep the true origin of the cause you fight for – if the cause was worth first fighting for. Never forget the you, that you were.” – Moushaireguis.

  Enter Scenario

  “I just love how insignificant you can be made to feel by the some out there who think they’re so superior. My bet is they underestimate the worth of the majority they’re usually in contact with. But what is it that makes them so different? How can they think they’re the more superior than a majority around them? What makes them so special that they feel the need to alienate someone that might already stand out from the social norm? I love that some of the most brilliant people of the time were singled out because; behind those closed doors – something you rarely ever chance seeing, something brilliant is happening there behind those closed doors. The closed doors of those some who are weird – insignificant, they’re working a magic, they formulate, pave paths. And one day – will have themselves the last laugh. Some of the most tormented people end up doing far greater things than those snide, sneering, selfish, up-themselves-fuckers. Some people might think I’m a simple target, the sad truth is I am because I know they’ll have me by the balls if I react (they won’t handle the beating the thrashing I’d lie ’em all out with, and these gutless shits would soon call authorities and play victim – have me arrested and charged with manslaughter and I’d be off to prison and that’s the end of it) but they never do consider I’ve already worked out their stupid fuckin’ childish games – and knowing that alone, I laugh aloud and really crack it because by not reacting by the means they want me to – shows how strong a character I have, maturity but also the satisfaction they really have no idea what I am dead-set capable of. I could hit a good lot of these cunts square in the face, straight on and fracture the front of the skull so bad I’d kill ’em and they’d have to do extreme reconstruction surgery on the poor dead cunts face to be get away with open casket funeral (if that be what they want -)