Desensitizer

by Kaero Davis

  God have mercy.” – Illsequyrie.

  Enter Scenario

  “I’ve been held back from achieving my goals for some time. I’ve been denied the perspective of equality amidst my elders and raged against them in unfair, unjust inconvenient times. I’ve been reduced to shadow in a matter of figurative speech. I feel I’ve been exiled before and perhaps I may feel it again. Cursed to a barren space with naught but my devices. I’ve been tempted. I’ve been questioned right through the madness and exposed the true colours, true character behind the so-hallowed and holy divinity. And not just Him but all who follow blindly, all who follow willingly to the slaughter of self-gratification. There is no satisfaction – there is just guilt, and for what? How critical is it to be born damned, damned before having done any true damage? To be guilty by nature? Fuck that, fuck it all, I empathize with the devil. It’s for all these reasons and even more that I can so easily declare a familiarity towards his unholy magnificence, familiar for the similarities parallel between myself and the fallen one.” – Chukraveez.

  Empathy For The Devil

  Have you ever felt taken for granted?

  Like you were always destined for more?

  That the sentence you’d been handed was rancid,

  The sole cause for all-out war,

  Beaten, defeated, for free thinking,

  For fabricating ‘fallacies’ without blinking,

  For opposing divine hypocrisy unflinching,

  For weaving a web of wrath for the cringing,

  I’m prepared to kick it up a level,

  For I have empathy for the devil,

  I bathe and bask in what he revels,

  I care to meddle in what he peddles,

  I’ve been beaten, defeated, for free thinking –

  For fabricating ‘fallacies’ without blinking,

  For opposing all sublime hypocrisy unflinching,

  For weaving a web of wrath for some cringing,

  I’ve sat and watched with my own two eyes,

  Others reaping benefits for what I despise,

  I’ve been made an example of – shattering my pride,

  I’ve stood my ground despite welcoming the smite,

  And I’m prepared to kick it up a level,

  For I feel empathy for the devil,

  I bathe and I bask in all that he revels,

  I care to meddle in what he peddles,

  Yeah, I’ve been beaten and defeated for my free thinking,

  For fabricating so-called ‘fallacies’ without ever blinking,

  For opposing, exposing, all divine hypocrisy unflinching,

  And for weaving a web of wrath to cause a mass cringing…

  Exit Scenario

  “You can go ahead and call me evil, but I can assure you it’s all a manner of perspective. People are always going to fear what they’ll never understand. Not me personally, I get curious, and I have an urge to see all facets of wonder from all angles, and unfortunately, on occasion – I came right across some fuckwit with their head in the sand – so quick to jump to defence – or offense feeling somewhat offended themselves by either what you said, done or believe. People are so quick to attack you when they feel irrationally threatened. Fuck, half the time I’ve barely even warranted it. They find it irking, irksome that I can be so quick to strike them right in their ignorance. Personally, I know they’ll never ascend to anything more, not really. What are they going to do with all their regret when they finally get to the end? Oh, woe with me. What such waste. It sickens me, but hey – glory was never meant for the weak and faint of heart. And – it never will be.” – Chukraveez.

  Enter Scenario

  “I keep fantasizing about how I would engage in confronting my step-father in conversation, to tell him I can’t forgive him for the way things have worked out. I’m not sorry for the things I’d said and done because at the time – I felt everyone was against me, that I didn’t fit in and no one had my back. I felt bullied, a lot, and when I stood my ground and stood up for myself – I was beaten down for it. Beaten for wanting to just be myself – for expressing how I wish to live the way I’m happiest most. It wasn’t good enough, I was never good enough. I brought more shame than pride and they never let me live that down. There wasn’t a day where I could feel good about myself. It was almost like they had nothing better to do with their agonizing lives that they felt it was in their duty to stretch me as far as I could go. Bend, twist, flex and even break me to a point of low to nil confidence, making me constantly second guess myself so that I was never certain of anything. Emotional breakdowns of fear, hatred, hunger, anger and sadness became all too constant. And constantly I would fantasize over and over about setting things straight – putting them in their place once and for all, and showing them exactly what they’ve done to me, what they’d put me through, wanting to show them what it was all like. They wouldn’t last as long as me and I know that for sure. They wouldn’t handle it as well as me. For one thing they weren’t as smart as they thought they were – and not as smart as me. I’ve had to explain shit to them, shit I haven’t even quite understood but only, because I wasn’t as old as them to fully understand some of the shit myself – they’d gotten it once I’d explained but the fact remains it were me they learnt it from. Fuck, half the time none of them listened. None of them could take me seriously. But I was more alike to them than they knew – and that could’ve been the problem – they just didn’t like that part of themselves. Yet never would they ever attempt to change anything for the better. Hypocrites always only think there’s something wrong with everybody else and that they themselves are fine. Fine leader’s parents are when they can’t even accept responsibilities or consequences for the shit they do. People like that never learn until it’s too late and nothing can be reversed.” – Bula-Vel.

  Failure

  Guess I still haven’t yet became,

  Anything more than just your shame,

  But, really, am I the one to blame?

  I think you need to listen as I explain,

  Did you ever know I never wanted to be-

  Anywhere near your double standards of me?

  I’d foreseen what it would all mean,

  Never any place my dream would care to lead,

  Who really failed who?

  That derailed train wasn’t you,

  But I suppose it wasn’t like you ever knew,

  I had anything else better to do,

  In my quest to perfection,

  Correction, HA, ascension,

  I must face all my defections,

  And constant prominent predilections,

  And sadly, not just mine alone,

  But of all I’d inherited, you bestowed,

  Grazed and abreized by verbal stones,

  In a war-zone I called home,

  The confusion of miscommuted concepts,

  A constant conflict that condescends,

  A battle of trust, faith and respect,

  Something you don’t apparently earn but expect…

  Exit Scenario

  “No conversation with my step-father that I fantasize about ends well. None are the same but none have a satisfactory conclusion. In my mind it always ends in a screaming match and I’m far more pissed off than I was before my mind wandered to these thoughts. Maybe there will never be that closure for which I do seek, but you really never have everything your way. Or at least I can’t. there was something wrong with me then, and the pressure they applied only made it worse – and they would ask me – what then – what do we do with you? I’d respond, but they never liked my answer. And the prospect of them changing themselves – changing their attitudes was just out of the question, especially when they were telling me to. Oh, how it justified the way they treated me…what a joke. I’d get death looks as if I’d just flung excremen
t into their faces and they’d say – harden up, grow some balls, or, you’re a fucking idiot. Just stupid. Not the most positive influences to have around but hey the family needed a punching bag and who better to cop it but the outcast. The one member of the family related only out of wedlock – not blood. Who failed who really? You were hardly fuckin’ there – never listened to me and you would’ve never let me tell you.” – Bula-Vel.

  Enter Scenario

  “This piece was inspired by the experiences of having felt being lied to upon several separate situations, whereupon a truth was direly important to receive yet – there, I could see a formulation of sorts behind the eyes of someone I could see, was trying to divert my operation. Purposefully sugar-coating, sweetening all plausible deniability, and as much as I truly would’ve like to be fooled – I wasn’t. my level of intellectuality – to an extent – perhaps a form of paranoia, perhaps even hindsight, led me to question further, though upon behavioural analysis of the character I was dealing with at the time, I found my suspicions were only correct. It felt very much like something of a sixth sense. Shit, I could’ve called it intuition, but I was still correct in knowing that there was still a puzzle piece that just didn’t fit. I could detect an emptiness toward this character’s ability to provide a flawless execution of deceit. I don’t know why, I don’t understand how, but I am quite capable of seeing through it. Some are good – really good, but some are just plain pathetic and hopeless, fucking useless and dreadful at it.” – Youthra.

  Fork-Tongue

  Not all tongues are going to say what they mean,

  And when you hear them speak – you’d best be listening,

  Talent of illusion, veiling the bleak behind a dream,

  Deliberate and precise accidents prevent you knowing specifically,

  Should one ever chance upon a cunning linguist,

  Couldn’t hurt to start a running inquest,

  One may never know, never see the true intent,

  Not even at the expense relevant to your resent,

  Countless lives have been lost to lies,

  You really can’t deny – it’s no shock, it’s no surprise,

  We’ve all covet the prize each with envious eyes,

  Clueless to the ‘whys’ when we reach our demise,

  Not all tongues will ever say just as they mean,

  But when you hear them speak – you’d best be listening,

  Talent of illusion – veiling the bleak behind a dream,

  Deliberate, precise accidents prevent knowing specifically,

  As certain as some believe the Holy Grail does exist,

  You can bet the tales told by tongues will surely twist,

  Barriers and obstacles are set to restrain and resist,

  You’re faltering, dismissed, fallen diminished,

  All truth hidden and stowed away well disguised,

  Can only limit any chance of any motives compromised,

  Praying silently deep inside that no one connects the ties,

  But instead fly the skies before they find what you hide,

  Exit Scenario

  “Prevarication. A popular way to beat around the bush and have people on for a time enough for them to just stop with all the questions. And they really only stop when they know full well you’re not persistent enough to just get the straight truth from them, because – who really perseveres when they feel they’re being led in circles with no real answer. They say they don’t do this but as a matter of fact it is, it’s deliberate. This bollocks circle talk never gets you the answer you require, only prolonging your resistance ’til you give in and quit – which, by that time, they’ve won. And it’s all over red rover.” – Youthra.

  Enter Scenario

  “I’ve been pushed to breaking point countless times, and in the countless repairs – I’ve had to head abound to collect whatever fragments were lying about that I could find. And I’m still finding those shards of shrapnel that tore from me in those whiting out moments of fight or flight. Upon freeing and fixing myself – I find the chips that broke off were important little clues of who I used to be or how I used to think. I have trouble with what pieces fit where when new information and new pieces have been previously replaced and many a brush with enlightenment. Still, at the sound of my step-fathers’ voice on the phone – I’m sent chills. An intimidation I sense from him – he, having been a bully all his life and is something he’s been very good at. It’s come natural to him a good lot of his time. I hated hearing these stories mum would tell me about the man who’s raised me – without hesitation. The respect I had for him, taking the charge of a young man of no relation and never had to – but still did. I shudder at the stories mum would tell me, what he was like at school and afterward – before me, my brother and my sister were born. My step-father would also tell us all stories of how mum was always a danger to herself and us kids. How difficult it is to hear such things about the people you loved and admired. You know they have their flaws, but you see through them because you love them – for a good amount of time. Things change because you start to lose the respect when all of a sudden you see what your parents are doing to each other. Too selfish to think of their kids or to even see what it’s doing to their kids. But then still take it out on the kids for still loving the other parent no matter how much wrong there has been done. Beating on the kid and brainwashing in such appalling circumstances, crushed, broken and not so much physically but in every other way made a hazard to himself and others around – and soon that young man is, fractured.” – Pvogg.

  Fractured

  A could have been, promising, giant stature,

  Decommissioned, fractured, demanufactured,

  Traumatized, brainwashed, infected with woes,

  Reprogrammed with conscience crushing blows,

  Be’th he the diffident one,

  See’th bleed the distant scum,

  Loose your tongue – speak him numb,

  Watch him run till he succumbs,

  Better they all stay amused,

  See me fight, accused, confused,

  Collapse of mental health ensued,

  Unstable, corrosive, as pursued,

  Never shall I be one of them,

  If I comply then I’m condemned,

  And even still should I conform,

  Within me whips a lashing storm,

  A renegade rebellion until captured,

  Broken and irreparably fractured,

  Insane with little poorly gained,

  Maimed until pained and shamed..

  Exit Scenario

  “How was this fair? How is it fair that a child should be burdened to learn of his mistakes and the mistakes of his so-called ‘parents?’ And then that child having to teach his/her parents the very lessons they should’ve been taught themselves as kids. To have that respect for each other and gently guide the generations with peace and love – nil fear, neither anger nor disappointment. You can’t be strong for someone else if you’re not strong on the inside yourself. Have you got any idea the pressure you’re putting on your children folks? Can’t you give your youngin’ a happy, pleasant household? Don’t you care? Don’t you give a shit? Stop using the kids as leverage to get back at someone – and don’t take it out on the children. Deal with it in a calm, adult, mature – responsible, safe and sensible manner. Remember the kids are watching and they’re more important than the fucked-up intensity of your emotions and sanity. Don’t blame the kids. And definitely don’t involve them in complex situations when they’re too young to fully understand. Children are 1st priority and that means your habits come 3rd. What – pardon me? The missus is 2nd, and always before the gentleman, if you are one. Use your brains – children’s minds are fragile and they’re our future. Educate them well and do it gently. Be sensitive but be firm if you need to be. And always pay them at
tention where appropriate. Never take your eyes off them. They must be kept safe. I’ve seen far too many bad examples of parents and enough movies – even visited strangers’ homes, that I’ve been appalled – shocked that there are people out there who neglect their children. They’re too careless, and don’t bother even keeping an eye out for any harm. Some people don’t deserve to be parents – and even negligence is a form of abuse – and there are hundreds of ways to be negligent. Like not thoroughly warning of the consequences as to why some things are forbidden to do.” – Pvogg.

  Enter Scenario

  “Overpowering, consuming – I shudder, staring at my reflection in the mirror – disgusted, angered. Blade of a shaving razor ripped, broken out of the razor head and handle. How could I? how the fuck did I ever let it get this bad? I hit the mirror with as much force and intent as I could unleash. The mirror shattered to shards and toppled to the ground on impact. I screamed a long bellowing howl and hit the wall behind where the mirror once hung, with a bloody fist. I growled again with pure hatred and further aggression and swiped the broken glass off the bench. I looked down then knelt to pick up a sliver of the glass and began to cut my face. “Rargh” I howled again as the pain infuriated me more so, that I began stabbing at my face a couple of times. Howling, I punched the wall again with an even bloodier fist – and then the cuts on my bloody and sweaty face, stinging, began to feel surprisingly soothing. I looked down at my reflection on some of the blood-stained glass lying on the floor and started to feel a strange calm settling in. and then, I laughed. And I laughed some more – starting off as a staggered chuckle but then progressing to a loud hysterical bellowing laugh. Tears began to fall and felt marvellous as they stung the cuts on my face – but the pain wasn’t so much a pain anymore – it had become a new strange kind of pleasure. A pleasure I hadn’t felt aroused within me for some time. I laughed harder – I crossed that line once more, descending into the pit of madness. I laughed it off leaving the bathroom and went and rolled myself a couple of cigarettes. I retrieved a beer from the fridge and locked myself to a solitude only my bedroom could offer – procured a pen and paper and began to write;” – Mortezzo.