Crop Circles, Cows, and Crazy Aliens

by steve higgs

  I opened my mouth but couldn’t work out what I wanted to say. He spoke for me. ‘Uncle Knobhead. I couldn’t think of a more apt name for myself. You’re the only family I have, Amanda. You and your mother, and your mum doesn’t really want to see me ever. If I could make a mess of it, I have done. Every relationship, every job, every opportunity. I might as well accept it and leave you be.’ He had his daft pork pie hat in his hands and was turning it nervously, looking pathetic.

  Whether he was deliberately trying to make me feel bad for him or not, it was working. I needed to say something positive to him, but the truth was that he was right. He had made a mess of his life.

  ‘I thought I might be able to help Jack and maybe get a semi-regular spot on his show, because, you know, I was kidnapped by aliens and all. I thought it might finally be the break I have dreamed of. A chance to be someone.’

  I hung my head. Then a thought occurred to me and I looked back up with a smile.

  ‘How would you like to look for lights in the sky with me?’

  He brightened instantly. ‘Really?’

  ‘Get in.’

  Lights in the Sky. Thursday, November 10th 2043hrs

  My uncle jabbered like a chimpanzee as I drove back to Cliffe Woods again. I wasn't listening to what he was saying, he was babbling nonsense about alien conspiracy through the years, but I did pick up that he really knew the subject. He was full of facts about the Roswell crash site, meteor impacts, and alien encounters, about films on the subject and how some directors had clearly employed consultants who had been kidnapped because their depiction was so accurate.

  I thought about Brett and what I should be doing with him tonight. I had called him from the car park to let him know I would be getting home later than planned. He asked if I wanted to postpone. I was trying not to yawn when he asked but I couldn't suppress it. Generous as always, he assured me it was fine to postpone, he had work in the morning too. Then he said some naughty things about what he planned to do to me that made butterflies flit around my tummy, promised to see me on Saturday instead and was gone.

  While I daydreamed about his yummy body, next to me Uncle Knobhead kept on jabbering nonsense. I didn’t interrupt him, it helped to pass the time as I tried to find the place Fred had said to go.

  In the end, it was easy to tell we had found the right place because there were dozens of cars parked at the side of the road. Cliffe Woods is a flat expanse of land that is barely higher than the Thames Estuary it borders. There are lots and lots of lakes and very little contour, so the one hill that exists in the area had attracted all the alien watchers because it provided an elevated view from which to watch the sky.

  As we neared the cars, someone jumped out at me, I caught a flash of an arm in my headlights, making me jump.

  I jabbed the brake in reaction and the person tapped on my window.

  ‘Turn your lights off.’ The person insisted.

  I complied, but now the darkness enveloped me. The unseen person tapped on the window again. I powered it down an inch.

  ‘I'll guide you in. Just follow my light. Oh, hello again.' It was Fred. ‘Found the place okay then?' He didn't wait for me to answer, instead, he vanished into the dark and turned on a flashlight with a red filter. It was almost the only thing I could see as I followed it a few yards further down the road. He was walking in front of me.

  ‘What’s all this about?’ Asked Uncle Knobhead.

  ‘The red light doesn't penetrate very far, and I am guessing they want everyone's lights off to maintain the darkness here. Away from the city, it is much darker, which gives a far better view of the sky.' Fortunately for me, I had practised using a red light for night manoeuvres while I was in the police. Only once or twice though and I was not a fan as it is so disorienting. I couldn't see anything right now and could be getting led into a bog for all I knew. Just when I felt my panic rising, the light shut off and the man appeared back at my window.

  ‘Welcome.’ Fred said through the glass of my window.

  I grabbed my phone, killed the engine and opened my door. ‘Let’s go.’

  Uncle Knobhead got out of his side and came around to join me.

  ‘Follow me. They are already here.’ Whispered Fred.

  Who is? I wondered as I scrambled up the bank behind him. Then, as we breached the crest of the small hill, I saw what he was referring to. There were a pair of green lights in the sky.

  We were looking out over the moonlit plains that led to the Thames, way off in the distance. Light coming through the clouds was reflecting off ponds and small lakes, making the landscape light enough to make out features. Not that there was anything to see – no houses or buildings or roads. The farms were behind me somewhere to the East, the land ahead was too boggy for agriculture.

  No one was looking at the land though. The eyes of the hundred or so people present on the hillside around me were all glued to the green lights as they whizzed around in the sky.

  My heart was thudding in my chest. What was I seeing?

  Uncle Knobhead whispered a question into my ear. ‘Still think there are no aliens?' I turned my face slightly to see him while also keeping an eye on the lights. ‘The same thing was seen a few years ago in New Zealand.' He explained. ‘The phenomenon went on for six weeks. They sent up light aircraft to get close to them, but each time they did, the lights just disappeared. In the few shots they were able to get, all you can see is the lights. Proof of cloaking technology. The leading theory regarding the lights is that they are the exhaust ports for their propulsion system and cannot be cloaked.'

  ‘Why is there no noise?’ I asked. It was eerily quiet if there were two alien spacecraft overhead.

  ‘That one I cannot explain. I did read a NASA engineer's report on organic engines once though. He proposed that it would be possible to make an engine that had no clunky moving parts and would not burn a fossil fuel as we would need. Their technology must be so advanced that we don't even understand it.'

  Mesmerised, I watched the lights perform a series of intricate spirals. They were almost dancing in the sky. Fifteen minutes later I was still watching them and hadn't spoken at any point. Then the pair of lights dropped vertically down to hug the ground. They were a mile or more away and at that low level, they were close enough to the foliage that they kept disappearing as branches obscured our view.

  Then they were gone.

  What had I just witnessed?

  The crowd of people on the hill were beginning to move.

  A voice appeared by my right ear. ‘That will be all for tonight. They won’t be back.’ Said Fred. ‘This is what we get most nights.’

  ‘Are they here every night?’ I asked

  ‘No.’ Fred replied. ‘Tuesday and Thursdays mostly but they have been seen at other times.’

  ‘Tuesdays and Thursdays?’

  ‘That’s right.’

  ‘Doesn’t that seem awfully specific?’

  ‘They’re aliens, love. We are supposed to struggle to understand them. There is probably a code embedded in their movements that is being received by a mothership stationed outside our detection range.’

  I needed to stop asking the crazy people questions. They always had answers.

  I thanked him and bid him a good evening, then carefully made my way back down the hill to find my car.

  After I dropped Uncle Knobhead off at his flat in the nearby village of Snodland, the question of what the lights were would keep me awake into the small hours.

  Lights in the sky. If I told myself they were man-made I had to instantly ask myself how. The mystery was deepening and I was as clueless now as I had been two days ago.

  New Evidence. Friday, November 11th 0745hrs

  I hadn’t slept well and woke up tired. I rolled onto my back, warm and snug beneath the covers and told myself to get up. I had things to do. I needed to go for a run or go to the gym and I needed to get back on the stupid alien invasion case.

  I was reluctant to
move from where I was though, so I stayed there – just a few more minutes I told myself.

  In my head, I ran through the case.

  The farmers were in financial trouble. That was what Kieron had told me and I had no reason to doubt it since they had hired me to save them from bankruptcy. James had thus far had little luck confirming their financial picture though.

  Kieron’s wife wanted him to sell. Was she just sounding off? Or was that a genuine clue?

  Something was getting into the milk. The crime scene guys would work out what it was probably (need to remember to buy donuts). But the question to answer still was how it was getting into the cows.

  The strange lights in the sky were probably nothing to do with the case. Unless, of course, there really was an imminent alien invasion and the milk and crop circles were a part of the same problem.

  Then what about the landing site with the burnt circles in the grass?

  Kieron had an unusually stroppy wife. She was going to deliver the baby any day but there was still something about her attitude that didn't fit.

  Gordon the farm manager was horrible and arrogant and seemed convinced that he was the one in charge. He was up to something, but I couldn’t tell what.

  There was a mysterious person in a hoody that was giving me cryptic clues that so far meant nothing.

  Adding it all up just gave me a headache. I had to admit I had not a single lead. Then I remembered the two college kids and called the number I had for them again. I got the same response as usual when the person at the other end rejected the call once more. If I wanted to talk to them, I would have to seek them out. Locating them was a task I had already given to James.

  Feeling a renewed determination to start eliminating some of the questions, I threw off my covers. It was cool in my flat, my naked skin suddenly goose-pimpling as I shuffled into a pair of fluffy mules to fetch my handbag.

  As I left the bedroom, two faces turned to face me.

  I screamed and leaped back through the door I had just left. ‘What the hell are you doing in my apartment?’ I yelled when the shock subsided.

  I peeked around the doorframe. On the sofa, looking very sheepish were Jack Hammer and Uncle Knobhead. I had just shown them everything I had to show and the heat from my red cheeks was making me feel quite livid.

  They still hadn't answered my question. ‘What are you doing here?' I demanded with a lot more volume.

  ‘Ack.’ Said Uncle Knobhead. He cleared his dry throat and tried again. ‘We have a new lead.’ He tried, uncertain that this would justify being in my flat.

  Jack looked less perturbed. ‘A Polish lorry driver found the spacecraft last night. He took a video of it and the alien pilot and yours truly has the only copy. I aired some sneak peeks of it last night.' He claimed proudly. ‘This way, the main reveal tonight will get many times more viewers.'

  I fumbled for a dressing gown to cover myself up. Then, as I tied it around my waist, I stomped back into the living area. ‘I don’t give a…’ I almost swore but caught myself. ‘A hoot, what evidence you have. How did you get in here?’

  Each got an accusing stare from me. I was used to interrogating suspects. These two would crack in no time.

  Or I would hit them with something.

  Uncle Knobhead looked the guiltier of the pair. I pierced him with laser eyes. ‘I, ur. I learned a few tricks when I was less law-abiding than I am now.' He was struggling to meet my glare.

  ‘Get out.' I hissed. When neither moved in the next nanosecond I repeated my instruction at a bellow.

  ‘What about the video of the alien spaceship?’ Jack asked as he scurried toward the door.

  ‘Get out!’

  Halfway out the door, he stuck his head back through. ‘We’ll wait outside then?’ He didn’t wait for an answer though as a picture frame was hurtling at his face. It hit the wall and stuck into the plasterboard for a moment before falling.

  I fumed silently for a moment. Far too many people were seeing me naked recently. With the exception of Brett, which I was totally fine with, my boss, my best friend, the office assistant James, Big Ben, about fifty police officers, many of whom I knew and now my Uncle and the dickhead from the internet show had all got a good look at me.

  It made me feel icky.

  I went for a shower.

  When I opened the door to my flat thirty minutes later, clean and dressed and telling myself I was ready for the day, I was struck by the smell of bacon. Jack and Uncle Knobhead were sitting on the tile of the landing with their backs to the wall and their legs jutting out. Each had the final bite of a breakfast sandwich from a local greasy spoon in their hands.

  Jack started to get up. I waved him to stop. ‘Stay there, Jack. I prefer you at my feet.' He did as instructed. ‘How are your testicles?'

  ‘Recovered, thank you very much.’ He replied brightly. It seemed he wasn’t holding a grudge for last night.

  ‘Tell me about the supposed alien spaceship.’

  ‘Not supposed, Amanda, love.’ Uncle Knobhead clambered to his feet. ‘Wait until you see it.’

  ‘I'm going to the office. I will look at it there.' I was enjoying being in charge. I had forgiven Uncle Knobhead for putting a tracker on my car, but now he had messed it up again by breaking into my flat while I slept, rather than knock on the door as a sane person would. We would have a little chat about it later which he would not enjoy. I was going to make them dance to my tune for that matter. I needed nothing from them, but Jack and therefore by proxy, Uncle Knobhead, both believed they needed me.

  I was already on my way down the stairs. ‘Should we follow?’ Uncle Knobhead asked, still standing on the landing.

  ‘Come on, Norbert.’ Answered Jack, jovially, his seemingly irrepressible mood buoyant again. He rushed down the stairs, passing me as he went, then chivalrously opened my car door for me when I plipped it unlocked.

  I almost smiled and thanked him, then remembered that I wanted to kick him in the nuts again and yanked the car door closed, almost catching his fingers in the process. I couldn’t deny that my interest was piqued though. I wanted to see what evidence they had and who the Polish driver was.

  I peeled out of the carpark before Jack and Uncle Knobhead got into Jack’s car but wasn’t concerned about them. They would find their own way to the office.

  Filtering into the traffic out of Maidstone, I called Patience. There was a chance she wasn’t up since she was still taking time off, but I had a task that would be more fun with her along.

  The call connected, and her voice exploded onto the line. ‘Yo, skinny white girl. Whatcha doing?’

  ‘Good morning, Patience. I am on my way to work.’

  ‘Still investigating aliens?’

  ‘I am actually. I have two college boys I need to speak with later, I thought you might like to tag along and maybe get some lunch afterward.'

  I heard her stifle a yawn. ‘What time do you need me?’

  ‘Not for a couple of hours.’ I heard another voice in the background. ‘Where are you?’ Then my senses caught up with me. ‘Oh, God, you’re with someone. Sorry.’

  ‘I’m at home, dummy.’ Sensing my embarrassment, she added, ‘Now don’t worry about interrupting Patience. I was just giving him a few minutes to catch his breath anyway. I need an hour, so collect me when you are ready.’

  She disconnected.

  Patience went through men with such regularity that I doubted she even bothered to learn their names half the time. The two of us had very little in common. Our attitudes toward men, life, work, career were all poles apart, but I loved her like the sister I never had.

  We hadn’t seen each other for a few days. Since I left the police service, we no longer spent time with each other through work and had to find time to do things together. We were going out tomorrow night but there would be a dozen other girls out with us and no opportunity to talk. Lunch by ourselves was appealing.

  I hadn’t seen Brett last night as we had planned
and now, I was out Saturday night so wouldn’t see him then either. Could I take him to the girl’s night with me? I toyed with the idea for about half a second until I ran through the scenario of him meeting Patience. I doubted our relationship was strong enough for that yet. Maybe after the wedding.

  Joking aside, I wanted to see him tonight. I thumbed a button on my steering wheel to activate the phone and spoke his name into the microphone. It autodialled his number.

  ‘Good morning, sexy.’ His deep, manly voice instantly sent sparks through me. ‘I missed you last night.’

  ‘I missed you too.’ I lied. I had just about managed to brush my teeth before I fell into bed. I had been asleep less than five minutes after getting home and hadn’t had time to think about him and what we could have been doing. ‘I needed to call you about Saturday.’

  ‘Yes.’ He murmured. ‘I wanted to talk to you about Saturday as well. About how I am going to use one hand to pin you against the wall as I kiss your neck. I’m going to make sure you cannot escape as I rip off your…’

  ‘I am out Saturday!’ I interrupted quickly. I could feel my body beginning to react to his whispered dirty talk.

  ‘Oh.’ He said, disappointment heavy in his voice. ‘I thought you said you were seeing me.’

  ‘Yes, I did. Sorry. When you called last night, all I could think about was getting you into my bed and I forgot that I have a girls’ night out in Maidstone. It’s been planned for weeks.’

  ‘A girls’ night out, huh? That doesn’t sound like the kind of event I can tag along to.’

  ‘No, sorry.’

  ‘Well, I can’t blame you for having a life. Amanda, I want to say something. It has been bubbling inside me for a while now and I know over the phone isn’t the right setting for it, but if I don’t get it out, I might burst.’

  ‘Okay.’ I replied, suddenly nervous.

  ‘Amanda, I think you are amazing.’ He started. This was going well. ‘I was so upset when I thought you were seeing someone else, that even when I was in Costa Rica, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.’