Crop Circles, Cows, and Crazy Aliens

by steve higgs

  She said, ‘Hey, girl.’ As she swung into my car. ‘Where are we going again?’

  ‘Greenwich college main campus. We have two gentlemen to interview.’

  ‘Couldn’t do it over the phone?’

  ‘They hung up on me and then wouldn’t answer the phone.’

  ‘Oh, so they are rude gentlemen.’ She said, cracking her knuckles and punching her right fist into her left palm in a gesture suggesting future violence.

  ‘You seem tense.’ I observed. ‘I expected you to be more relaxed after… you know.’

  ‘After getting a large helping of cock?’ Patience was always direct and never minced her words. It made me laugh and squirm at the same time.

  ‘Anyone I know?’

  ‘Remember Nathan from the Chatham armed response team?’

  ‘Him?’

  ‘One of his brothers actually. He has a huge…’

  ‘So, the two chaps we are going to see are called Lee Davenport and Christian Rogers.' I interrupted quickly before I got a full rundown of last night's activities.'

  ‘I was going to say ego.’ She finished. ‘I had to shut him up by making him eat my…’

  ‘They were reading a degree in art, but I cannot see what that would have to do with crop circles. They might not be involved in this at all.’

  ‘Mum’s lasagne.’ Patience finished, with a tut and a sigh. ‘Honestly, Amanda. You think every time I speak, I am going to say something outrageous.’

  ‘That’s because you do.’

  ‘Well, he went away this morning with…’ she left the sentence hanging so I could interrupt again.

  Instead, I filled in the blank, ‘A smile?’

  ‘I was going to say empty balls, but okay, a smile.’

  The drive to Greenwich college wasn't far. From Maidstone, we had to sweep up Bluebell Hill and down toward Chatham where the land was lower as it met the river. Then up again to reach Gillingham. Greenwich college originated in Greenwich (famous for the meridian) on the banks of the Thames, but land prices and lack of room for expansion drove them to build new facilities a few miles south in the Medway Towns.

  The gleaming façade of the main building reached into the sky to dominate the site. Young adults in jeans and ratty trainers were everywhere. There were so many of them visible it seemed impossible that any were attending lectures.

  Signs led us to a carpark where we had to weave up and down rows to find a space.

  ‘Are we getting lunch after this?’ Patience asked. ‘Patience is getting hungry.’

  ‘You’re always hungry.’

  ‘I worked up an appetite, girl.’ I believed her.

  The reception area was dead centre of the large building that dominated the site. Inside, it was triple height and far more plush than I expected. The floors were marble and the staircases on either side of the lobby were glass and chrome. Ahead of us, was a desk with two stern-looking middle-aged ladies. Both wore glasses and red lipstick and had their hair drawn back into buns so tight the effect gave them a facelift.

  I checked my watch. It was 1043hrs. ‘Good morning.’ I said breezily.

  ‘Do you have an appointment?’ The one on the right said without bothering to look up.

  ‘I do not.’

  ‘Students must make an appointment before they will be seen.’ She snapped before I could add anything else.

  ‘I am not a student.' I replied, keeping my tone even and neutral. She was being rude, but I wasn't going to do the same.

  Both ladies looked up finally at my reply. ‘What do you want then?’ The lady on the left asked,

  I eyed them both, but I didn’t get a chance to start berating them for their rudeness because Patience shoved me out of the way. ‘Listen, bitches.’ She started. Both ladies gawped at her with open mouths as if no one had ever challenged them before. Patience had dropped her handbag on the counter and was rooting around in it. She pulled out her police ID to show them. ‘My colleague and I are looking for…’ she clicked her fingers at me while maintaining eye contact with the two receptionists.

  ‘Lee Davenport and Christian Rogers.’ I supplied.

  ‘Tell me where they are now, or I will have to get unpleasant.’ It was always fun watching Patience operate.

  The lady on the right was trying to resist being intimidated though. ‘What business do you have with them?’ She demanded.

  Patience’s eyes bugged out. She turned her ID around, so she could see it then turned it back to the lady. ‘What does this look like to you? Does it look like a library card?’

  ‘It could be fake. I bet you could buy that on the internet.’

  ‘Don’t like the ID, huh?’ Patience said while rooting in her bag again. ‘How about this then?’ She asked as she hauled out her cuffs and baton.

  ‘Oh, my goodness!’ The other lady exclaimed. ‘Terry this is probably a drug bust. I keep telling you all the kids here have weed. Tell them what they want to know.’

  Rather than scared, the ladies suddenly looked impressed. Terry was tapping her keyboard. ‘They are both due to be in the Galileo lecture theatre in Hancock wing at eleven o’clock.’

  ‘Do you have pictures of them?’ I asked hopefully.

  Some more keys were tapped and she invited us to come around to look at the screen. The two boys were exactly as Kieron had described them: Kind of pasty and skinny and covered in pimples. Their hair was unkempt and both wore glasses that had seen better days and were not sitting straight.

  Behind us a printer whirred. Terry reached across to retrieve a map on which she drew a line to take us from where we were to where we needed to go.

  The odd exchange was done so we thanked them for their time, took our map and set off.

  Once out of earshot, I nudged Patience. ‘I thought you were going to hit her with the damned baton. You really shouldn’t be carrying that thing.’

  ‘Now what fun would that be? Besides, it allows for immediate problem resolution.’ She was right on that count but I worried she would get caught one day.

  ‘Did you plan to call them both bitches?’

  ‘No, but I prefer to not think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.’

  College Geeks. Friday, November 11th 1058hrs

  Finding the Galileo lecture hall was easy as there were signs for it everywhere. Students were just beginning to file in when we got there. We had been hurrying our pace as I didn't want to have to interrupt the lecture or drag them out for a little chat. Doubtless, Patience had no such concerns and would happily have made her gregarious personality the centre of attention.

  Thankfully, no such tactics were required as the two boys were slouching along the corridor towards us as we arrived. They looked just like their pictures. They might even be wearing the same clothes. I just prayed they had been washed at some point.

  ‘Lee Davenport?’ I asked as I moved to bar his path.

  They were in a group of six young men, all very similar in appearance until I looked a little closer and could see that one of them was actually a girl.

  ‘Looks like you’ve pulled, Lee.’ She said with a snigger that might have been aimed at him or at me.

  ‘Who’s asking?’ Lee asked. He looked me up and down as he tried to work out who I was and why I might want him.

  ‘I need to speak to you and to Christian.’ I replied without answering his question.

  Christian’s eyes widened at the sound of his name. ‘It’s a drug bust!’ He cried as he tried to bolt, spinning in place and diving through the gap between the two chaps stood behind him.

  If I had reached for him, I would have opened the way for Lee to escape. Lee twitched, but when I didn’t move, he stayed in place rather than try to shove by me. Christian didn’t get far though. Patience, an old hand at this, had positioned herself quietly behind the group. As he popped out the back of the group, she stepped into his path to body-check him.

  His head was down to pu
sh between his friends, so he ran head first into her ample chest and bounced off.

  ‘Hey,’ said Patience. ‘Watch where you are going.’

  I addressed Lee, ‘We just want a quick chat about crop circles.’ He had been looking at Christian where he lay on the carpet tile, but his face coloured now. His friends were starting to distance themselves.

  ‘I don’t want to talk to you.’ Said Lee with indignation. ‘I don’t have to.’ He sounded unsure about the last bit though.

  I could just set Patience on them and that would get them talking soon enough but I tried the peaceful option first. ‘You don't have to talk to us, Lee. Neither of you do but not doing so makes you look guilty. Are you guilty?' I asked.

  No answer.

  His friends had mumbled various excuses and left them behind. The lecture had started, leaving just the four of us in the corridor. Christian was getting to his feet.

  I pressed on. ‘I just want to ask you a few questions.’

  ‘About crop circles?’ He confirmed. He looked resigned to the task.

  Christian had found some gumption though. ‘Don’t tell her anything.’ He instructed Lee, letting me know there was something to tell. He swung his head in Patience’s direction. ‘What are you? Reporters?’ He asked us both.

  ‘The fuzz, honey.’ Replied Patience.

  He looked her up and down. ‘You don’t look like the police. You’re too fat.’ Patience’s eyes nearly popped out of her head. I cringed. No one called her fat and got away with it.

  ‘What did you call me?’ She screeched as she lunged for him

  He danced out of her reach. ‘You look more like a hooker.’ He said as he nimbly sidestepped another swipe. ‘A big, fat hooker.’ Then he ran out of luck and tripped over his own feet. He went down to the carpet.

  ‘Oh, God,’ Murmured Lee as Patience dived after him. In what seemed like slow-motion, she hung horizontally in the air for a moment before time caught up and she belly slammed him into the floor.

  The air left his lungs with an ooohff noise but the impact shook the building and drew the attention of the students in the lecture theatre. Faces started to peer through the window in the closed door.

  ‘Hit me.’ Whispered Lee.

  ‘Excuse me?’

  ‘Hit me.’ He said again, this time with just a little more volume. ‘Annabel Saunders is watching. If you strong arm me out of here under arrest I will look like a proper bad boy.’

  ‘I’m not in the police. Only Patience is.’

  ‘I don’t care.’ He replied. ‘I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.’ Then, when I didn’t react, he twitched like something had struck him and shouted. ‘Arrgh.’

  How do I get into these ridiculous situations?

  ‘Arrgh.’ He yelled again, putting some gusto into his act. ‘You’ll never make me talk.’ Then he whispered, ‘Just drag me outside and I’ll talk.’

  Alright. I give in. I grabbed his arm and folded his wrist into his armpit to lift him onto his toes. It was a painful hold that overstressed every joint in his arm so he wasn’t faking his expression anymore. ‘Which one is she?’ I whispered the question in his ear.

  ‘Brunette, blue eyes.’ He replied. Behind me, Patience was pulling the deflated-looking Christian to his feet. He was moaning softly and holding his ribs as she nudged him back along the corridor in the direction we had come from.

  I spotted Annabel. ‘Toughest case I ever had, catching you, Davenport. Let's go.' I pushed him after Patience but whispered that he should struggle and let him resist for a moment before increasing the pressure on his wrist and shoving him out of his dream girl's sight.

  At the end of the corridor, we pushed through double doors and into an atrium. Patience was ahead of me, Christian wobbling along uncertainly ahead of her. I let Lee go.

  He flexed his arm to get the feeling back into it. ‘Are you okay, Chris?' He asked.

  Christian gave a thumbs up as Lee crossed the floor to check on him.

  ‘You have some information for me?’ I prompted. Now, after all the daft charades, I would finally get some answers.

  Lee looked at me, looked at Patience, saw his opportunity and shouted, ‘Leg it!' As he grabbed Christian's arm and started running.

  In two seconds, they were across the atrium and going down the stairs three at a time. I ran after them, but I knew I had lost them before I got to the top of the first landing. They were younger, faster and desperate to get away.

  I stopped and leaned over the edge of the landing just in time to see them run out the door at the bottom, two flights down.

  Nuts.

  Patience arrived huffing and puffing next to me. ‘Next time I see that little dickhead, I’m gonna kick him in the ding ding.’

  I felt the same.

  Lunch. Friday, November 11th 1201hrs

  I let Patience pick our lunch destination, so, fifteen minutes later we were sitting in her favourite Southern Fried Chicken place in Chatham. It was on the route from the college back to the office, our houses, and the farms so we had to pass it no matter where we were going.

  I ordered a buttermilk chicken platter and a strawberry milkshake. Patience got herself a bucket of chicken designed to feed four people. As I picked up a piece of lean, breaded breast meat to bite, Patience pulled a chicken leg out of her bucket with each hand and started tearing chunks off with her teeth.

  In seconds, she had grease on her nose, chin, and cheeks and a satisfied look spreading across her face. ‘I needed this.’ She said between bites.

  I cleared my mouth in case she was about to launch into a summation of this morning's activities. I would have implored her to stop, but she was either too hungry to bother or knew that I didn't want to hear it, as for once she just kept on eating.

  As I was finishing the last of my fries and she was just getting up to full eating speed with her bucket, she found time to ask me questions. ‘Whatever happened to Brett? Are you two done now? Is there someone new?'

  ‘Not much to tell.’ I lied. I was trying to avoid talking about it until I knew what it was.

  ‘Come on, Amanda. Talk to me while I am eating. Or would you rather I fill in the silence by telling you all about…’

  I held up my hands in mock surrender. ‘Okay, okay.’ I laughed. She would never replace eating with talking but she was probably genuinely curious.

  ‘And you never even got to ride that fine body.’ She observed without taking her eyes off the chicken.

  ‘Well, actually…’

  ‘Oh, my God! When?’

  I slouched back into my chair. I might as well entertain her for a few minutes. ‘Brett knocked on my door on Wednesday night. I think Big Ben went to see him, straighten out what he thought he saw. Anyway, Brett arrived carrying champagne and flowers and there wasn’t much talking after that.’

  Her eyes were bugging out at me. ‘Was it good? Oh, hold on. Was it terrible?’

  ‘It was fantastic, truth be told.’ I sighed wistfully. It really had been. Not just because he had taken me to orgasm so many times, but because I was truly interested in him.

  Patience waggled a greasy finger at me. ‘There’s something you are not telling me.’

  I was struggling to stop my face from breaking into a smug grin. ‘He made it very clear that he is falling for me.’

  A piece of chicken fell out of her open mouth. She didn’t notice. ‘Did he say the L word?’

  ‘No. No, not yet at least. But it felt like he got close to doing so.’

  ‘After one night in bed with you, the fine-assed, multi-millionaire is in love. What have you got between your legs, Amanda? Do your titties dance or something?'

  There was a table of young men next to us that was now paying obvious attention to our conversation. This was entirely because Patience was talking about my titties.

  As I grew embarrassed by the attention, Patience swung her gaze to lock eyes with the boys. ‘Help you with something?' The chap nearest to her tried
to clear his mouth to speak but she was in a sassy mood. ‘Don't you be coming up with no clever line to throw at us just because the hot girl sitting next to you has titties that dance.'

  ‘Patience!’ I hissed.

  The boys were laughing now, sniggering at the thought of my titties probably.

  I pulled the conversation back under control. ‘Brett asked me if I wanted to quit my job. I think he doesn’t like that I might not be available when he wants me.’

  ‘Quit your job?’

  I nodded.

  ‘After one night in bed?’

  ‘That would seem to be the case.’

  ‘Why not just propose?’

  ‘I got the impression he thinks my job is unnecessary. He earns so much that my wage can be replaced by the change in his wallet, so why not split my time between the gym and the spa and let him pick up my bills?’

  ‘He would just give you an allowance like pocket money? Sounds fantastic. Where do I sign up?’

  I chuckled. I was fairly sure she was joking. ‘I’m too independent to be kept. Plus… I like my job.’ It was true. I couldn’t imagine not bringing in my own money and feeling successful.

  ‘You like him though, don’t you?’

  I shrugged and nodded.

  Patience reached into the bucket of chicken again. It was nearly empty, but she came up with a handful of grease-laden fries to devour. ‘Maybe you just need to establish dominance.’

  ‘And how exactly would I do that, oh relationship guru?’

  ‘Marmite blow job.’

  I waited for a second for her to expand. When I didn’t say anything, she looked up from rummaging in her bucket. It was devoid of food now, nothing left but some seasoning detritus in the bottom. As she started to clean her fingers and face on paper napkins she elaborated on her answer. ‘You invite him over, get frisky, tell him you want to play a game and that Marmite is one of your favourite things. Then you put some on him and lick it off.’

  ‘Why?’ I asked, mystified.