The Black Album

by Hanif Kureishi

  Chili comes in, with Strapper in tow.

  Chili Still working, bro?

  Shahid (flaring) I’ve got to be free to do what I want!

  Chili Just a family enquiry, bro – chill. (To Strapper.) Park yourself in the corner, Strap, and keep mum!

  They lie down, spaced out. Shahid continues his work. We see him editing Riaz’s poem on his computer screen.

  THE MARTYR’S IMAGINATION

  by Riaz al-Hussein

  The fire-swept pavement fizzes treachery in this green land,

  Here Satan and Eve dance around the Martyr weeping into the setting sun.

  Wet bodies and captivating tongues promise a paradise of pleasures,

  But the curved green sword slices a curtain of certainty down on the sun.

  SCENE TWELVE

  Shahid’s digs. Evening. Chad, Hat and Tahira burst in. Shahid closes the document he’s been working on.

  Chad She against authority yet called police in! Brother Riaz has said that Osgood must be removed from her post for her attacks on minorities.

  Tahira And today she prevented our free expression. Isn’t that racist censorship, Shahid?

  Shahid You got your moment on TV.

  Hat She’s left her office.

  Chad With my usual genius I’ve thought of what to do. Tonight we visit her private home.

  Shahid (alarmed) What?

  Chad In order to learn, she must be taught a lesson.

  Chad signals to Hat to get the disc from Shahid’s computer. Hat does so.

  Shahid What are you doing?

  Chad Riaz is waiting for us at the mosque.

  He snatches the disc from Hat.

  I’m returning his property.

  Shahid (reaches for it) It’s not finished.

  Chad It finished.

  He tosses the disc to Hat.

  Check it out. Go!

  Hat leaves.

  (Hauling up the prone Strapper.) And you, Mr Strapper, you’re coming with us.

  Strapper (in a daze) What the – Hey, Trevor!

  Chad I told you that’s not my truth.

  Strapper Where we going, man?

  Chad To sniff her out. Osgood – no good!

  Tahira Osgood – no good! (To Shahid.) You hear?

  They leave. Chili stirs.

  Shahid Come on, Chili – get yourself together!

  Chili What fucking mess you in, little brother?

  Shahid We need to get to Deedee’s.

  Chili Never chase women.

  Shahid cleans him up and pushes him forward out of the room. Chili turns back into the room.

  Tonight I want a human touch. Decent bed. Clean sheets. Let’s go to her place and party, toot sweet!

  Shahid Got your knife?

  Chili (flicks open his knife) You don’t go round London without one.

  Hat enters.

  Hat (in a state, to Shahid) What you do that for, brother?

  Chili Respect – that’s my brother you talking to!

  Shahid Where’s my disc, Hat?

  Hat You know what you’ve done.

  Shahid No.

  Hat I converted Riaz’s poems on my printer.

  Shahid Already?

  Hat Yeah.

  Shahid I see.

  Hat I couldn’t believe it!

  Shahid I hadn’t finished.

  Hat Finished?

  Shahid The poems –

  Hat How d’you think brother Riaz will feel, standing so proud and all, waiting for his rhymes to come out printed and clean so he could hold it in his hands and show his friends?

  Shahid The original manuscript hasn’t been touched.

  Hat Him be shattered to pieces when he sees this.

  Shahid It’s a celebration. Of passion.

  Hat (realises) You been seeing that Miss Osgood, haven’t you? And collaborating with her all this time! You a raving evil spirit and a double agent!

  Chili For being with a woman?! (To Shahid.) What friends you call these, bro?

  Shahid Hat, did you like any of what I did?

  Hat I can be a bit dirty-minded myself, but that stuff … You a sewer rat. I don’t go and put an essay on girls crossing their legs –

  Shahid And on the smell of their hair, and on the skin behind their knees –

  Hat Yeah! The odours of their body and everything like that – people sniffing one another’s, you know, doo-dahs.

  Shahid Didn’t God give us our doo-dahs?

  Hat I wouldn’t put them into print and mix it up with religious words, would I?

  Shahid I want us to be friends, Hat.

  Hat Why rape us then? Chad said that brother Riaz saved your life one time.

  Shahid Yes.

  Hat That why you turn on him?

  Shahid Hat, please believe me. I was just playing with words.

  Hat Our religion isn’t something you can test out, like trying on a suit to see if it fit!

  Shahid Please, Hat, help me. I want to speak to Riaz alone. Just for half an hour. I want to explain everything. Will you talk to him without letting Chad know?

  Hat Brother Chad and all of us, we trusted you – apart from Tahira, who say from the beginning you an egotist with an evil smile. And then Riaz put his soulful words in your hands. It would have been a privilege for any of us! But he think you special. How can you think to bother Riaz right now? He busy planning.

  Shahid What?

  Hat Just retributions.

  Shahid Like what?

  Hat I can’t tell you.

  Shahid Will you give me back the disc?

  Hat I can’t do that.

  Shahid Then see you.

  Hat Where you going?

  Shahid pushes Hat out of the way. He falls. Shahid and Chili leave. Music, as they rush through London to Deedee’s.

  SCENE THIRTEEN

  Deedee’s house. Night. The TV is on. Shahid and Chili enter.

  Shahid Where’s Deedee? Where is she?

  Brownlow Thankfully, I no longer care. Probably making a list of a few more names to slip to the police.

  Chili (brandishing his knife) Where’s Strapper?

  Shahid (pushing Chili away) Have you seen her?

  Brownlow Finished rogering my wife, Tariq? I imagined your religion frowned on such things. Or have you had enough of her? Wouldn’t blame you, sticking to your own. Especially with fiery cadre like Tahira.

  Shahid Is Deedee all right?

  Brownlow ‘LBJ, LBJ, how many kids you burned today?’

  Chili Who’s burning kids?

  Brownlow That was our chant at Cambridge in the sixties when students were a united force, pissing on the gods of authority. Now you guys, in the most reactionary period since the war, have picked up the baton.

  Shahid But you’re out of it, aren’t you? You’re fucking off, leaving everything.

  Brownlow What’s there to teach when there is no longer any knowledge to transmit? I’m off to Italy. Or France. Or maybe Spain. What does it matter? Everyone’s standing by their own miserable class or race. Rudder’s going to say the book’s an insult and call for it to be withdrawn. The Tory leader’s agreed to do the same.

  Shahid What the fuck for?

  Brownlow Don’t be naive, there’s a lot of Asian votes to be had round there. (Ironic.) Up the revolution! Did I tell you, Riaz has been invited on Newsnight to give his opinion on the fatwa?

  Shahid Stop pissing me about!

  Brownlow Don’t know who’s pissing whom.

  Chili Any booze in the house?

  Brownlow (to Shahid, referring to Chili) I see you’re enjoying a different class of friend, Tariq.

  Chili Tosser.

  Brownlow (to Shahid) Riaz’s eyes went all bright when he heard. He’ll make a fascinating freak on TV. For a week or month. Just when you thought God was dead and buried, you realise he was merely awaiting resurrection! Every fucker’s discovering some god inside them now. Who am I to challenge this?

  Shahid Help us find Deedee!


  Brownlow There we were, right up to the end of the seventies, arguing about society after the revolution, and all the while it was being taken from us. The British people don’t want education, arts, justice, equality … Everything I believed has turned into shit.

  Shahid You’re a spineless bastard.

  Brownlow I’ve been called worse, Tariq.

  Shahid (pushing him) My name is Shahid!

  Chili That’s – manly – bro.

  Brownlow (leaving) Look – no stutter, see?

  Brownlow exits.

  Shahid (shouting) Deedee!

  Chili Ahh, soft, bro – always call a woman softly …

  Deedee enters from the kitchen.

  Deedee What more do you want, Andrew …? (Sees Shahid and Chili.) What’re you doing here?

  Shahid We’ve been looking everywhere for you.

  Deedee Did Andrew let you in?

  Shahid Forget it. Chad and the others know where you live.

  Deedee What?

  Shahid They’re out for revenge. They’re coming for you. Me too, now.

  Deedee Will you talk sense!

  Shahid You called in the police and I fucked around with their master’s words.

  Deedee looks at him quizzically.

  I rewrote some of Riaz’s poetry. Didn’t mean to. I was just playing as I was thinking of you – to see where it would take me. I was going to change it back. Riaz and the gang think it’s blasphemy.

  Deedee They’re coming here?

  Chili Any booze in the house? I need a pick-me-up. Booze and a little nap, yeah, just a little sleep.

  Deedee (to Shahid) And you’ve brought him – (indicating Chili) – to help?

  Chili puts his arms around Deedee and whispers. Deedee laughs.

  Shahid (tetchy) Chili.

  Deedee (to Shahid) Your big brother wants to put my tits in his mouth.

  Chili It’s worth trying.

  Shahid Chili!

  Chili I’m lonely, all right? Tonight I want a human touch. To feel warm skin. Is that too much to ask? (To Shahid.) All right, all right. (To Deedee.) Any drink in the house, Deedee Osgood? Then I’m ready to take on any fucker who comes to annoy you. Me and my bottle will stand guard on the stairs. That’s where the enemy will come in, through the upstairs windows!

  Shahid Make sure you lock it – and the back door.

  Chili Toot sweet, bro, toot sweet. – Where’s your back door, Deedee?

  Deedee Fuck it if they’re going to make me a prisoner in my own house. I’m going to cook. (Taking Chili.) Come on, let’s find a bottle for you.

  Deedee takes Chili off. The door rattles.

  Strapper (off) It’s only me, Strapper, the Strap. Official visit, man.

  Shahid opens the front door. Strapper strolls in.

  Shahid I thought you were with your old pal Trevor.

  Strapper Chad’s a religious type, he see everything from underneath. You just wanna be white and forget your own. (He shouts.) You and your bro just wanna shag the white bitches! That why he don’t go for you no more.

  Shahid I wish I hadn’t let you in.

  Strapper How were you gonna keep me out, cunt? Hey, don’t touch me, man.

  Shahid Get out of here.

  Strapper The brothers burned the book, right? Funny how you people get into more of a state about a book than about the suffering people.

  Shahid (pushing him towards the door) You’re making me suffer now, Strapper.

  Strapper I wouldn’t get heavy. Thing is, brown boy, your Chili owes me money. Where’s he hiding round here?

  He suddenly jumps and holds the front door wide open.

  (Shouts in a military voice.) All clear!

  Chad, Tahira and Hat enter.

  Shahid You bastard!

  Chad grabs Shahid in an armhold and offers him to Hat, while Strapper looks on.

  Chad Here’s the scum, as expected – holed up with his bitch. So obvious. Now, brothers, get to work on the spy, the infidel, the traitor! Go on. Go on.

  Hat But me papa will be looking for me!

  Chad Your father? What’s he got to do with this?

  Hat I can’t stay.

  Chad Beat him! This idiot hates us and he hates God! Give Satan one!

  Tahira Satan! Satan!

  Tahira knees Shahid in the crotch and repeatedly boots him.

  Chad The evil spirit has gone down!

  Shahid staggers up. Tahira kicks him again. Deedee runs in.

  Deedee Leave him!

  Chad (bars her way) He belong to us now. Let us take him, bitch, and there’ll be no trouble for you! We’re going to deal with the spy.

  Tahira He deceived and spat on his own, wallowing in filth.

  Deedee Let go of him!

  Chad Eye for an eye – that so hard to understand, Miss Post-Colonial Studies?

  Deedee Very cute, Mr Trevor.

  Chad (raises his hand to strike her) Don’t use that name on me!

  Deedee (jibing) What’s wrong, Mohammad Shahabuddin Ali-Shah?

  Riaz enters.

  Chad Here he is. Sick, sick, sick as you prophesied.

  Tahira More sick now.

  Chad We’ve captured both of them! What now, brother? What action to take immediately? Which step do you want? Shall we take him away? Or finish him here?

  Riaz (to Shahid) You’ve pierced my heart, Shahid … Do you want to stand always alone? Or be one with the ummah that is your heart’s only family?

  Shahid I’ll find my own ummah, thanks.

  Riaz Bring him for interrogation! We will purify those who cannot purify themselves. He must be shown the raging fires of hell.

  He turns to lead them out.

  Hat (in horror) Brothers! It that maniac!

  Chili stands on the stairs above them, brandishing his knife.

  Chili Hello, all. Robert De Niro’s waiting.

  Strapper Chili-boy!

  Chili O ye of little faith, Strap!

  Strapper (jigging furiously) It’s going up, it’s going up! Fuck everything! Fuck you all!

  Chad Right! We’ll halal them all now.

  He squares up to Chili.

  Chili Yeah? I don’t like kosher meat.

  Chili flies into the gang, knocking Chad, Tahira and Hat out of the way and grabs Riaz, holding the knife to his throat.

  (To the others.) Now fuck off, all of you! Or else this brother gets halal-ed.

  Riaz (terrified) Go, go.

  Chad Leave him! Or you get it!

  Chad takes a step forward, Chili touches Riaz with the knife and Riaz bleeds. Chad stops.

  Chili (to Riaz) And get this fucking shirt off! I told you it were mine, man, now give it back.

  Riaz, confused, looks to Chad.

  Now!

  Riaz takes off the shirt.

  Chad I’ll halal you for this, I swear.

  Chili Yeah, yeah. Bigger boys than you have tried to take on Chili. (To Riaz.) Pants too.

  Riaz complies.

  Chad You an evil spirit – how can you make brother Riaz change in front of women?